Husband unwilling to support son financially through university

[Lozza70]

Sorry quite long so good if you get through!

DS1 is quite academic and is about to enter Y13. He did well in GCSE’s with seven 9’s, three 7’s, distinction in further maths and an A in HPQ. He wants to persue vet med and is currently predicted A*.

The issue I have is that DH has stated he does not want to support him in university. He would get minimum maintenance loan so we would need to top up and if he is successful in going into vet med I know there would be little time for a part time job, though I know it is possible. I could support in topping up though I have recently been made redundant so would need to dip into savings.

Neither DH or I went to university and started work at 18 with both of us working our way up to senior positions. I think this is one of the things tainting my husbands view on this matter. Plus the decision from DS1 to get into vet med when up to last year he always talked of another career which he could access from 18 with an apprenticeship approach. DH thinks our son is not really committed and this is just a fad but he has done loads of work experience and is still sure this is what he wants to do. I have asked if he did another path at uni would he support but he is of the same view. Generally DH is not ‘tight’ with money spent on the family so this has come as a surprise.

I suppose I’m disappointed as I think we
should be proud DS1 has the ability to access uni and we should support that. Has anyone had a similar experience and how did it work out?

My husband is 52 and has never forgiven his parents for not topping up his then grant based on their income.

he was only able to do his degree and gave the career he has got today because my parents paid our rent.

this would be a deal breaker for me. I could not continue in a relationship with someone so selfish.

The DSis 17, not 18. He’s going imtk
y13 and he’s going to need to prove his interest in animals but not supporting your child IF they get a place to study vet med is ludicrous, There are jobs. This is not media studies!

The DS needs to urgently work with animals to support his pollination because dc of vets and farmers are much better placed for this.

Is DH supporting any university study at all? It’s totally bizarre when dc is bright.

As for the army, yes he might get lucky but he probably won’t get in to be a vet. It’s very competitive.

No idea why anyone thinks an apprenticeship is relevant here. The DS just needs to concentrate very hard on animal work because he’s applying in a few months and if he’s not got it, it’s difficult to see how he will be successful. He needs a plan B.

Once again, OP’s child is not estranged.

It is disappointingly common for parents on higher income to refuse to help their children at university.

In care is a different category. To be estranged and eligible for full student loan they have to prove they’ve lived elsewhere and supported themselves by other means. There are many kids out there who do not live at home, and who have to work/ claim benefits to survive.

OP’s child just has a jackass for a dad but isn’t estranged. However, universities report that an alarming number of students become estranged at university, often over course choice and sexual orientation. It’s sad

Estranged means absolutely no contact with both parents, not even by text or email for at least one year.

my daughter is classed as independent. That means that although she is under the age of 25 she has financially supported herself (via full time work) for three years. She had to send payslips, P60s and self assesment statements.

We supported 1st year in halls as not fully covered by student loan. Maybe 2k but can’t remember specifics. Cheaper 2nd year onwards in shared private rental so no top up required. Provided weekly shopping money. And money here and there but not £££.
DD got a job in last year of school and saved to help support herself. Didn’t have a job at uni as course too full on.

Do your sums, how much will your son need? For how long? Can he get a job now and save? Maybe your DH thinks it will be thousands. And for 6 years. Doesn’t need to be. Hopefully it’s a knee jerk reaction and once you’ve worked out how much he will need and for how long it will be manageable.

It’s a great career. Hard hard work but can be v rewarding. Good luck to your son x

My parents refused to support me financially at university (well, they did give me some money but it was on a random adhoc basis and much less than the suggested parental contribution.

My mother's rationale was that when she went to university she got a full grant and could claim unemployment benefit in the holidays and actually led a fairly comfortable lifestyle on this even living in London. And that it was therefore the government's responsibility, not hers to finance students. Which is all well and good but there wasn't precisely a lot I could do about government policy.

The rationale was even stranger because my parents paid for private school because they thought education was important. I wonder sometimes if they wanted me to struggle to prove myself or some such.

Vet school is arduous and expensive.
Often even applying is tough as there are few uni options. You by and large won't have a choice as to where you're accepted. So you may end up in expensive cities, say Bristol & the Rvc london.You will have to do a lot of extra placements in the holidays and do many weeks placements a year. You need a car to drive to these placements. You rarely get paid apart from maybe the odd £100 for a couple of weeks of lambing.
This lasts for 5 years. A years work before going to uni won't cut it. I dont know how a young person could do this without parental support. Some do study to do vet nursing beforehand & do Vet. Med.as mature students and tend to do very well in the exams.
.

@Cantonet The RVC is not in London. It’s in Hertfordshire.

You don’t need to divorce/ although if my DH refused to support our child in this way I would consider it… if you were separated and your DS lived with you in a separate household then only your income would count… ask your DH if he really wants this to happen

alternatively your DS can go where he wants and just get into debt which he will pay off eventually when he starts earning
But I wonder how this will affect his relationship with his father

@MeetMeOnTheCorner picture attached.
It's part of London uni and campuses are in Camden/Hertfordshire. Both my dd's, one of whom is an actual Vet have friends who are vet students/qualified interns who are living and working in London.

My child does medicine and one of her flatmate’s parents have cut her off. (Long story but the result is the same). She is working nights and studying during the day. Working where she can during the summer. Exhausted, and just scraping through on student loans. I would encourage your son (if he gets in) to defer for a year and work and save as much money as possible. It will be very tough without financial support.

It has two campuses - Camden and Potters Bar. Students are based in London for the first two years, then in Potters Bar.

Awful response from the DH in my opinion. Especially as it is veterinary training, not some 'studies' course at a so-called university which has little value in my opinion.

Ok. They used to be wholly Herts. However London based students don’t have an issue with London. The bigger issue for this DS is very late to thinking he wants to do this and there are enough vet schools to avoid London if need be. He’s probably not understanding the competition or experience with different animals being useful in an application.

No. That’s not the case at university level.

I’d leave DH over this.
It’s clear that parents with over £65000 household income are expected to top up to max loan. Martin Lewis campaigned for this to be made clear. If he won’t top up then your son realistically can’t go and he can only borrow under £5000, rent alone will far exceed this.
If your son is just living with you and you aren’t working then he’ll get full loan and often be eligible for bursaries too. His dad can’t be required to support him at uni but by him not being in house anymore your son will be eligible for another £20,000 in loans.
Schools usually put sessions on explaining finances in yr13,or go together to any uni open day in September and sit through finance talk. If he’s still adamant after that he’s not willing to pay then I’d set wheels on motion to live separately. Divorce doesn’t need to be finalised you just need to be living with your son only by point her applies for finance in late spring or early summer 27.

They would, otherwise, every family would do this

So one family I know had this situation, refused to support despite it being financially feasible for them. Another family member stepped up and helped them out with a loan - they completed very demanding degree while also working part time and were very successful - the impact on family relationships were as you would expect.

The RVC has taught vet students in central London since 1791, well before it was called the RVC; it's the Potters Bar site that's relatively new. Obviously not the point, I realise.

It’s a bit complicated & only applies to divorced parents in certain circumstances but some courts may order it.

Bristol has off site teaching at Langford because vet schools need big animal space with teaching but the majority of time is spent at the teaching with space. So costs are NOT London costs for 5 years or central Bristol for 5 years.

Actually for the first 3 years students spend one day a week in Langford. For the last two clinical years they're based in Langford. But they mostly all go back to Bristol for weekends as Somerset is very quiet. Yes, the cost of accommodation is a little cheaper, dd had a shared house but the socialising costs in Bristol are still high. Plus a car is needed to commute.

I know divorcing couples in precisely this situation and the court has ruled that the (very high earning, graduate) father has to support the children through university.

Yes, it’s usually when the divorce occurs at around the time when university is imminent and one parent is wealthy rather than when the divorce happens when the kids are little.