Husband unwilling to support son financially through university

[Lozza70]

Sorry quite long so good if you get through!

DS1 is quite academic and is about to enter Y13. He did well in GCSE’s with seven 9’s, three 7’s, distinction in further maths and an A in HPQ. He wants to persue vet med and is currently predicted A*.

The issue I have is that DH has stated he does not want to support him in university. He would get minimum maintenance loan so we would need to top up and if he is successful in going into vet med I know there would be little time for a part time job, though I know it is possible. I could support in topping up though I have recently been made redundant so would need to dip into savings.

Neither DH or I went to university and started work at 18 with both of us working our way up to senior positions. I think this is one of the things tainting my husbands view on this matter. Plus the decision from DS1 to get into vet med when up to last year he always talked of another career which he could access from 18 with an apprenticeship approach. DH thinks our son is not really committed and this is just a fad but he has done loads of work experience and is still sure this is what he wants to do. I have asked if he did another path at uni would he support but he is of the same view. Generally DH is not ‘tight’ with money spent on the family so this has come as a surprise.

I suppose I’m disappointed as I think we
should be proud DS1 has the ability to access uni and we should support that. Has anyone had a similar experience and how did it work out?

I also think this is an unforgivable stance. Your husband is making it nearly impossible for your son to go to university. It’s incredibly selfish and will no doubt impact the relationship you both have with your son.

My parents did this to me. I applied as an estranged student and got full loan. I also worked 3 jobs and ended up with a 2:1 when I definitely could have got a 1st had I been supported. It seems wild though that you have a clearly academic child and this is the time he's decided to talk about this. I have a small amount of savings which should amount to 30k each for my small children by the time they are 18. Ive told them (or the one who can understand) that it is for uni or a house.

A friend of mine sent her daughter to a uni in the Netherlands because it was so much cheaper. Certainly the fees p.a. were £3K instead of £9K.

Maybe you just don't like the truth?

Cambridge is a 6 year degree.

It's the career that has high burnout and suicide rates. It's a fact.

Euthanasia is an everyday part of the job in an average vet practice. Your daughter is maybe lucky if she has found a role where she can avoid it.

@Imdunfer So how are people supposed to train as vets then? Just let rich dc do it and no other parent bothers? Vets get decent money and it’s a job for life. Did rural vets it IS a way of life. If this dc has put in the time to get to know animals and wants this career, his father should support him. It’s attrocious he’s not interested in supporting him. DH’s parents were spectacularly mean in terms of paying up what they should have done and it soured their relationship forever. They preferred a new car and holidays in their new caravan whilst not paying up for DH at university. It ruins relationships.

There weren’t student loans in the seventies. I am in my sixties and I got a maintenance grant. My parents didn’t have to pay anything.

Children of poor parents will get the full loans. Children of parents whose income means they won't, well that's up to parents, isn't it? I don't think it's for any stranger in a forum to tell the father of an 18 year old who's recently changed his mind what he should do. People I know who became vets expressed an intention to follow that career long before 18. I sympathise with the mother's anxiety about it and if she's convinced the boy should, and will, become a vet then people have suggested a number of ways she can make that possible.

I was of course referring to grants which were means tested in the same way.

My father earned too much for me to get a grant as his only dependant at the time. He refused to finance me. It's a big part of why I have no degree. It didn't kill me.

Normal people, who are able, help their kids with uni costs - they are monumental. I think your DH is extremely mean and that he might pay for this decision later in life. When he needs help, I hope he’s not expecting his DS to provide it.

Does he have his child trust fund? Have you added to that? That will be his at 18 so many young people use that as well.

It sounds like you had a very unpleasant father and have inherited his dog in the manger attitude, so it clearly has had an impact on you. Perhaps university would have broadened your horizons a little or given you some critical thinking skills?

No he wasn't unpleasant, it was a different time regarding the further education of girls.

Your personal insults couldn't be further off the mark if they tried 🤣

When the government tiered loans based on parental income and said that it was up to parents to fill the shortfall for those who only get access to 1/2 of the loan.

It sounds like you have a chip on your shoulder and want the newer generation to miss out because you missed out.

My dd worked at a vets for 2 years before studying vet med. She saved lots of money which shes using now she cant work because of her degree placements etc. it helped her decide it was definitely what she wanted to do. Also applied for places where she could get bursaries/scholarships . Its also helped massively with the course because she can put things in context having worked in a vet practice and vet hospital. We help her financially too. Once she’s qualified she’ll be able to support herself.

I could not forgive my DH if he did this and we were financially able to help our children get going in a career. Your DH may object to university but it’s not his life is it? He must have known he would be expected to make a contribution

Why don’t you try to change your DH’s mind?

My Dad was a bit like this, he refused to pay university for any university he believed infiltrated by communists e.g. LSE. He also used to go on about how some people thought educating women was a waste of time as they would just produce babies and not work and how he could understand that view. Luckily for me got a place at a university he didn't think had been taken over by communists. He left school at 14 though did go back later to university.

I think there's a scheme at Oxford for estranged students - don't know any details or whether other universities also do this but if you cannot support or persuade it might just be there are still possibilities especially with those grades. I would be very unhappy if it was my husband.

I think I would be rethinking my relationship if my DH had this attitude to our children's education tbh. I would encourage your ds to work in the run up to uni, then in the holidays regardless of whether your husband will support him or not. He might get more funding if you're single, just saying.

Hardship funds are only in place to support students going through difficulties that cannot be foreseen at the time of entry.

Having a tight parent doesn’t cut it. Having another 25 siblings to support… nope, doesn’t either, unfortunately. He won’t qualify for a Hardship Fund either.

Also has/recently had a poor reputation for vet med I believe. Certainly worth researching that aspect.

OP’s child isn’t estranged

Didn't it lose a particular accreditation?

At the moment they are not estranged but actions can have consequences and Oxford supports students financially who become estranged, I don't know if other universities do as well.

Can’t remember if it last it or was threatened with losing it. Off the top of my head i think I read it had now improved and that issue with accreditation has passed. But definitely worth checking out.