Husband unwilling to support son financially through university

[Lozza70]

Sorry quite long so good if you get through!

DS1 is quite academic and is about to enter Y13. He did well in GCSE’s with seven 9’s, three 7’s, distinction in further maths and an A in HPQ. He wants to persue vet med and is currently predicted A*.

The issue I have is that DH has stated he does not want to support him in university. He would get minimum maintenance loan so we would need to top up and if he is successful in going into vet med I know there would be little time for a part time job, though I know it is possible. I could support in topping up though I have recently been made redundant so would need to dip into savings.

Neither DH or I went to university and started work at 18 with both of us working our way up to senior positions. I think this is one of the things tainting my husbands view on this matter. Plus the decision from DS1 to get into vet med when up to last year he always talked of another career which he could access from 18 with an apprenticeship approach. DH thinks our son is not really committed and this is just a fad but he has done loads of work experience and is still sure this is what he wants to do. I have asked if he did another path at uni would he support but he is of the same view. Generally DH is not ‘tight’ with money spent on the family so this has come as a surprise.

I suppose I’m disappointed as I think we
should be proud DS1 has the ability to access uni and we should support that. Has anyone had a similar experience and how did it work out?

Is there anywhere that he could travel to and offer this course without living away from home?

Divorce him and then he will be legally responsible for supporting your son until he finishes full time education.

There is one uni where he could do this but vet med is a bit like medicine in that it is a complete lottery in terms of where you may get an interview
or offer. DS1 is planning to apply to the more local uni as one of his choices but we have no way of knowing if he will get a place here.

🤣 it may come to it but not my first reaction!

Sadly not the case for university education. It goes on household income at that point.

no one is legally required to support their children through higher education, divorced or not. If they split and have to support 2 households it's possible that DS might get a bigger loan as it will be assessed on 1 parent's income only. But that's a rather cynical way of doing things, and may still not be enough.

Places for VetMed are even harder to get than medicine. Your DS might need to apply with grades in hand if he isn't successful in the first round. How about looking for an apprenticeship alongside applying to uni, then being able to save whilst reapplying for 2028 IF necessary.

Personally I would find your DH's approach unforgivable.

My dad did this. I went at 22 as a mature student with a local authority grant - would be a loan now, but the point is you can get one if you're either over 25 or have been self-supporting for three years.

He should also look into bursaries and hardship grants. I didn't know about these at 18!

Uni doesn’t count unfortunately

Nope! Once full time education is finished maintenance stops. HE is not considered full time education

This, has he all the sciences and the life experience of volunteering/working with animals?

@HewasH2O makes a good point, as well. He should look around for apprenticeships and training schemes, some of which may sponsor his degree if he does well.

Only until leaving school. He will not be obliged to pay for Higher Education.

The way student loans are designed is that if your household income is deemed high enough (and it really isnt very high in this day and age) then the government expect parents to top up the maintenance loan.

Vet med also means that with the placements you have to do there is very little opportunity to get paid part time work. You usually have to fund the travel to these placements. And the kit lists can be long and expensive too.

Your dh is going to scupper your son's career plans if he means this. And potentially his relationship with him too. This is especially true if you/he can afford to do it but dont.

Controlling access to university by withholding the expected financial suport is a shitty thing to do. That's the kindest thing I can think of to say.

There are no apprentiships or training schemes that will sponsor a degree in vet med. Unl

He also can't rely on getting into a uni close to home to save on costs. Vet med is incredibly competitive and he will have to apply strategically with a view to accepting any uni.

I think your husband is behaving disgracefully. I don't think I could forgive my husband if he took such an opportunity away from one of our children.

Peak MN.

Have you saved any ££ as the years have gone by in expectation of your DS going to uni? Remember that there may be savings (not massive perhaps) when he is gone. Food to some extent and things like music lessons and sports clubs. I would say I noticed it when DD went to uni.

I agree he might find it easier to get an offer with grades in hand, which would give him the chance to work for a year and save some ££.

But your DH's PoV is appalling tbh. It's a horrible thing to do to your son as, as others say, it is basically preventing him from pursuing this career. He cannot become a vet any other way. And if your HH income is above about £65k (which many are if both parents work or one is a reasonably high earner, let's face it) he will get min loan which will not even cover his accomm. He is likely to need a topup of around £6k depending where he lives (vet schools are in some ££ places like Bristol and Edinburgh! though also cheaper cities like Liverpool and Nottingham).

What has he actually said? Is he saying "hmmm DS do you really want to do this or is there a better way without such a big outlay?" or is he saying "we are not giving him a penny"?

So what reasons has your DH actually given? Can you actually afford it? As you say you’ve recently been made redundant after all.

And not even true.

What a horrible thing for your husband to do. I can’t imagine not supporting my child’s education and future career if I was financially able to.
I don’t really know what to say other than I really feel
for your son (and you).

Since you said your DS would get minimum maintenance loan, it means the government expects you to be heavily subsidising his time at university.

So relative to others who aren’t supported by their parents but get higher maintenance loans, your DH’s stance is actively disadvantaging him relative to his classmates.

Did your DH do that at primary and secondary school? Why or why not? I’d ask those questions.

Because no 18 year old is expected to already have a career and their own income to support a medicine or vet degree.

While neither of you have a degree, neither of you can obviously become vets until you do. Does he want to disadvantage his son the same way when that’s what he wants to pursue?

There is no apprenticeship he can do that will result in him becoming a vet without a degree.

Harsh, but I would be telling my DH that our relationship is probably going to be over if he actually follows through and treats our children this way.

Give it time. Your DH may have a point if he has recently changed focus.

It might be different when he has his results, has his place and it is clear to his father that his interest has not waned.

My father did not believe in women going to university and so refused financial support, so I was stuffed. He was a selfish asshole in every way though - hopefully that doesn't describe your DH.

This is from the information about applying for student finance as a mature student, @Lozza70:

If you’re under 25 and do not financially depend on your parents
Your household income does not include your parents’ income if:

• you have supported yourself financially for at least 3 years
• you have been married or in a civil partnership at any time before the start of your course
• you spent at least 13 weeks in the care of your local authority before you turned 16 - in this case, you might be able to apply as a care leaver
• you’ve had no contact with your parents for over a year - in this case, you might be able to apply as an ‘estranged student’

www.gov.uk/guidance/student-finance-information-for-mature-students

Well your husband is a selfish prick isn’t he?

Leave him, your ds will have to take a year out and then at least it’s only going to be based on one income.

tour sone has worked so hard, i just couldn’t look at my husband the same way again if he intentionally stopped our dc achieving their dreams.