Husband unwilling to support son financially through university

[Lozza70]

Sorry quite long so good if you get through!

DS1 is quite academic and is about to enter Y13. He did well in GCSE’s with seven 9’s, three 7’s, distinction in further maths and an A in HPQ. He wants to persue vet med and is currently predicted A*.

The issue I have is that DH has stated he does not want to support him in university. He would get minimum maintenance loan so we would need to top up and if he is successful in going into vet med I know there would be little time for a part time job, though I know it is possible. I could support in topping up though I have recently been made redundant so would need to dip into savings.

Neither DH or I went to university and started work at 18 with both of us working our way up to senior positions. I think this is one of the things tainting my husbands view on this matter. Plus the decision from DS1 to get into vet med when up to last year he always talked of another career which he could access from 18 with an apprenticeship approach. DH thinks our son is not really committed and this is just a fad but he has done loads of work experience and is still sure this is what he wants to do. I have asked if he did another path at uni would he support but he is of the same view. Generally DH is not ‘tight’ with money spent on the family so this has come as a surprise.

I suppose I’m disappointed as I think we
should be proud DS1 has the ability to access uni and we should support that. Has anyone had a similar experience and how did it work out?

It keeps auto correcting tosser.
However , your husband is thrice a tosser.

Your DS could apply and defer or take a year out, apply with grades in hand, work for that year and get some money behind hm. I also agree that your husband's stance is unforgivable.

Tbf the OP says this:
He did well in GCSE’s with seven 9’s, three 7’s, distinction in further maths and an A in HPQ. He wants to persue vet med and is currently predicted Astar

I think those GCSE grades are more than "quite academic" – I mean they are excellent.

@Lozza70 not true! Child maintenance liability ends after A levels or equivalent. So hardly worth it for a year 🙄

This seems harsh. The grants is literally based on parental income so your DH should be at least supporting to that point

He's dead.

He had some good points. His bad points were quite bad. I gave an ambiguous eulogy.

Is it because it take 5/6 years ? That your husband objects to supporting him.

It is a very hard degree course to be accepted on. Competition is fierce. They have to do practical work experience as part of the degree.

It seems to me you need to get to the root of your DH’s objections.

What a selfish arsehole. That's the most polite thing I can say. Stop enabling your H - are you scared of him?

Your ds can apply for a full loan on the basis that relations with his family have irrevocably broken down.

I have the same issue with my ignorant shit of an ex, who is refusing to contribute in any way to my ds who is starting his degree in a few weeks. He also said ds should get an apprenticeship. Ds applied for level 6 apprenticeships and degree places. Unfortunately the number of apprenticeship places halved this year and the applications rose by a factor of five.

Thankfully I have already left my ex and I will support ds, who wants to be an engineer. Like vet med, that is not something he can do without a degree.

This move to apprenticeships seems to be an opportunity for rubbish dads to be even more selfish and useless.

Imagine having a child intelligent enough to be a vet, and then not doing everything in your power to support them and make it happen.

It sounds like your DH would rather he gets a shitty job and works his way up ‘like your old Dad did’. Your husband sounds almost jealous.

Your child has done well and it’s like you’re pissed off that he’s clever because it’s gonna cost you.

Agree with others that this is not a career that can be achieved via an apprenticeship and that it is very difficult to earn much money while studying due to the demands of the course. Setting aside the useless dad, is your DS really sure he wants to be a vet and has he done the required pre application work experience etc? It's not a career to pursue unless you really, really want to, because anyone bright enough to be a vet can earn more money with less stress doing something else. I have been a vet for the best part of 40 years and I have never regretted it, but the attrition rate soon after qualifying is huge, for a very good reason.

A friends son has done this with a completely unrelated apprenticeship. I think he has got a L3 or L4 Accounting Technician under his belt with a place ready to go at uni in September.

If your DH refuses to help, then you will have to dip into your savings to help your DS.

I helped both my DC at university as they both did courses that were very heavy with contact time and labs and the university requested that where possible they did not have jobs during term time.
I did not have the cash and whilst I might be criticised for doing so, took out a loan to finance them. I have since paid it back and whilst I had a large number of lean years, i don't regret a penny of it.

Controlling access to university by withholding the expected financial suport is a shitty thing to do. That's the kindest thing I can think of to say.

This. With bells on. Vet Med is not something you can do without a degree. I get the feeling your DH has a chip on his shoulder about not having a degree himself. What ever happened to wanting more for your children?

I know someone this happened to. His tight arse of a father didn’t want his son to do a degree. If he could work him self up then his son could too. The boy got all 8s and 9s and ended up on an apprenticeship with kids resitting GCSEs. He has watched his peers go and get ahead and have fun while he is essentially stuck.

His father is greedy and selfish - hopefully your just needs a nudge to understand how shocking his attitude is. I associate it with abuse and neglect. So does everyone else.

Can you support your son from your own income?

Did it benefit their careers? If so, did they offer you any help in your 'lean' years?

Not read all responses but

i dont agree parents should be funding adults to go to uni. They ought to all be offered the loans otherwise those with better off parents can be controlled by them or the kids can waste a load of parents money.

However. He is clearly extremely clever surely top 5%? And cant be that surprised he could change mind and want uni?

if you and dh have done so well without uni you would have the funds to have saved or from earning to fund this (though i dont know it vet is even more expensive). So..

i dont know i think its wrong that parents (who often dont realise they are liable for supporting kids and often cant know if the kid will go as only 50% do) could be spending over 15k that they may not have because of col and kids siblings etc.

i think so many kids uni isnt worth it. But kids getting mainly 9s and all As. My kids are more likely to get 1-3 grade 7-9. But weve been saving for some uni living costs just in case.

imo if gov want parents to pay-
tax back on money going into a uni saving account.
make it fairer because some parents are separated so based on only 1 parent many arent funding kids at all.
if it costs parents say 15k its more than the child benefit probably received.

the gov chart has parents earning 30k i think paying towards uni yet- many of those would have been getting UC as who can afford to live on 30k..!

Your DH sounds awful. I feel very sorry for DS.

I’m confused that your DH seems to have a veto on financial decisions and yet you say that you both have worked your way up to senior positions. Do you not have access to funds yourself? If you do then I’d be tempted to divert some of some of your salary to support your son. Decisions should be jointly made but if DH is making unilateral decisions, so can you.

He will regret not supporting his son. Even if he gave him some contribution.

Absolutely this. Utterly disgusting behaviour. If my husband attempted this it would be the end of our relationship. He is sabotaging your son’s future. It would be different if finances were an issue but on the basis that they are not it is hard to forgive. I know a handful of people whose parents did this (over 20 years ago) and the damage to their relationship was irreparable.

You might want to to look at the moneysavingexpert site that explains how parents are meant to contribute. It is assumed they will. He'll be massively disadvantaged if you don't

I'd be considering ending the marriage over this. Your DS has done really well in school and has a good career plan. If my DH wanted to jeopardise that for our child I'd lose all respect for him, it's unbelievably cruel.
Could you manage as a single parent household? I expect it would be tough but if you can just manage the bills? That might at least give DS a chance of getting the full maintenance loan. I'm sure it's household income so your DHs income wouldn't be counted if he's no longer living with DS.

I think not being willing to support a very academically able dc through university when you are financially able to is really awful.
Can you support him from your funds OP?
I do think that more education should be given to parents about long term funding for university as it is fairly painless if it's done over 15 years and not if it all has to come out of current income.
But not wanting to support your own dc is a very unattractive trait in a DH.