Am I unreasonable expecting my university son to work over summer?

[Anjelika]

Looking for some perspective here as relations between my DS and I have broken down completely over this. DS finished Y1 at Uni in June. We are not a high income family - I earn £35k and DH the minimum wage. DS got nowhere near the max loan last year and I gave him money every month Sep to Jun which brought him up to the max loan and then about another £1k on top of that for various bits like society memberships and running shoes. He had a very part time job in the Sixth Form then worked last summer in a restaurant so had built up about £1k to go to uni.

This summer he went on a long trip with friends (funded by his govt child trust fund which we had contributed to every month) then came home for a week and went away again for 10 days with another friend, camping in Europe. We gave him just under £200 for this trip (mainly Euros we had left over from our holiday) and I had to transfer another £150 to him at some point as he had no money. So, he has had almost 8 weeks of holiday and I was expecting (and had told him this) that he would be working for the rest of the summer to give himself some pocket money and hopefully save a bit to spend at uni next year. Instead, he has spent most days in bed till at least midday then literally doing nothing all day. When I've asked whether he's phoned the restaurant from last summer or got in touch with the Agency a friend recommended I am told he'll do it "later." This has been going on for 4 days now and I have not handled it well and it's ended up with us arguing and him now "threatening" to go back to his uni house this weekend and stay there to escape my nagging. Oh and this is the uni house I have paid 2 months rent on for him already this summer.

I don't think I am being unreasonable expecting him to find work for the rest of the summer considering he's had an 8 week jolly. He has absolutely no money at all and has reached his overdraft limit so any time he needs money he asks me. He's not going out at home as most of his home friends aren't around so he's not asking for money on a daily basis but he's planning on going to a party in his Uni city this weekend so will need train fare and beer money. The plan was that I would drive him there, we'd go shopping for a few clothes (at my expense of course), have lunch together then I'd come back and he'd come home the next day on the train. After a huge argument yesterday he is saying he's going there and not coming back and I said if that's the case I won't be driving him there.

I'm interested to know if other people are happily funding their YP over the summer and whether my expectation that my funding him just from September to June was wrong? I'd be happier giving him money if he were up and looking for work every day or offering to help around the house - there's plenty he could do in the garden - but he doesn't.

I think you are not unreasonable to not fund any more activities over the summer having given him support for his holidays so far and the amount you are paying towards uni. I think it is worth trying to have a calm conversation about it - has your DH spoken to him about it at all? Obviously you can’t force him to get a job but the alternative is to not have any money at all.

You're BU funding him.

Just tell him you don't have the money, no arguments, no justifications, no discussion.

Let him get on with it.

You are not being unreasonable. What a wonderful life he has! It never occurred to me that students go away on holiday. Both our DC came home from uni and went back to their gap year jobs for the whole summer. Admittedly they were ‘nice’ jobs in an office in Covent Garden but they went to work and saved their money. Yes their friends went off to America or wherever but they knew they had to work. I was a mature student and parent to two young children while doing a full time uni course. Let them try that if they feel hard done by.

He sounds like a lazy little bugger. Let him go back to his uni town and get a job there, how’s he going to pay for it ?

My son has been working three days a week and he’s 16. So yeah it’s lazy.

We funded ours to the max maintenance loan - so about £5/6000 a year - and that was it.

They were welcome to live at home in the holidays, but there was no more money to be had.

One lived an austere life, which they also did at Uni - and ended up with spare money over the year.

The other, whose lifestyle was more holidays and going out - got a job to pay for this.

He can't live the life he wants and expect someone else to pay - he either restricts his living or he gets a job - his choice.

See in our family, our kids have always had a job over summer since about the age of 7 or 8. It would start by going to work with one of us or their grandparents to help out. We've never made them think summer is a big, long jolly. It's a time to earn money and maybe have a holiday with said money.

So it isnt like they get to 18 and then suddenly we need them to start earning money now we don't get paid for having them.

I've been explaining this to one of my client's kids this week as she has sat around the house for the whole summer. Hasn't even picked up a school book.

YANBU. He is being lazy and selfish. I always worked over the summer between uni terms doing temp office jobs, and I also got jobs while at uni working in cafés, restaurants and kitchens. My parents had enough money for me not to but it was important for me not to keep asking them for money.

It's not a big imposition on him to work for 1 month over the summer and he needs to stop expecting you to bail him out at every step.

You are well within your rights to withdraw everything but the most basic support.

I think maybe a bit of tough love is needed he can either get a job or help in the garden until then the bank of mum and dad is closed.

DS worked throughout all his uni holidays (luckily the place he had part-time job with whilst at sixth form kept it available for him during his time at uni). We topped up his student loan and treated him if he was going on holiday etc. We had disposable income to afford this but we did expect him to earn money too (uni holidays are long) if work was available (I know in some areas it can be hard to find work)

I’d expect him to be getting a summer job, my 18 year old is doing a summer placement ( paid) through my place of work , until he goes back to uni.
I wouldn’t support him otherwise, he’s had a good few weeks off, but knows he needs to work and earn.

Remember the OP raised this young man. He has the values she instilled.

You have the right attitude, Op.
Calmly restate that DS will need to work if he wants money.

Tell him exactly what his monetary gift from you is for the next year and when you will be making payments.

Hopefully you will have a nice driving weekend.

Definitely not being unreasonable - DS just finished his first year and has worked this summer, for woeful pay and travelling all over the place on public transport and in this overwhelming weather.
But he does know I have no money (I've had health issues and am a single parent) so we've always been a team.
Does your DS have a realistic view of your finances? Do his friends work or are they from wealthier backgrounds? Maybe this has led him to think there's more money than there really is. Time for a calm, serious conversation.

YANBU. You've been generous - if he wants more money he'll have to earn it.

YABU funding him.

We fund our DC term time and feed them in the holidays at home. But if they want money to do things like holidays with friends, or trips to party in a city, then they need to earn it.

Well you're the mug for funding his lazy summer TBH.

My DD has been home from uni but hasn't been able to get a job - she's applied for quite a few (limited by our location and her not driving) and interviewed but had no offers. I think once they know she's only home for a short while they don't want her, they want long term staff.

Anyway I've been happy to support her over the summer in terms of bed, board, toiletries etc but I haven't given her any cash beyond a tenner here and there towards bus fares to job interviews. I can't afford to!

You need to toughen up and tell him the cash flow has dried up.

We give weekly money while children are at uni, but not in the holiday. They have known this from the start and plan accordingly. Eldest son hardly gets any holiday due to placements, he also has a part time job at uni. Youngest is working 3 jobs this summer.

It is hard to find jobs at the moment though depending on location.

YANBU. Please don’t fund any more fun this summer. I hope he wakes up to reality. Although it might be VERY hard to find a job.

I always funded my DC's uni holidays in that they didn't pay rent or for food etc, but they always has jobs in the summer holidays, one in his uni town, even during covid. This funded their extra holidays (only one had them) & social life. If they came away with us we paid.

YANBU I definitely expect my uni attending child to work over summer. I don’t support him at all financially during this time.

He is an adult, so can move out whenever he wants. Off he goes to uni house, where he will have to pay for everything. He can work out for himself how that is all funded.

Just stop giving him money. He can’t hen make the choice to work so he can have money, or not and he just has the basics at home. Take him back to uni when it’s time to go back, if he wants to go before he can work and pay for travel himself.

What course is he studying at uni that he can't work whilst there either?
I received the max loan but had to work through uni too. My parents helped here and there but didn't give me a monthly allowance /pay for accommodation. This was the same for everyone I knew also.
Whilst I was off for summer I worked full time in my job.

That really wasn’t place to be talking to your clients child about this, or for passing judgment on what other families choose to do. Does your client know you had that conversation?

Adult life is long enough working, why on earth wouldn’t you give young children the few summers they get (in the grand scheme of life) a chance of a break? They work hard at school, the holidays are a chance to unwind, to play with friends, to go out and do things they can’t do in term time. Sounds more like you didn’t want to pay for holiday childcare or clubs so took them to work instead!