Am I unreasonable expecting my university son to work over summer?

[Anjelika]

Looking for some perspective here as relations between my DS and I have broken down completely over this. DS finished Y1 at Uni in June. We are not a high income family - I earn £35k and DH the minimum wage. DS got nowhere near the max loan last year and I gave him money every month Sep to Jun which brought him up to the max loan and then about another £1k on top of that for various bits like society memberships and running shoes. He had a very part time job in the Sixth Form then worked last summer in a restaurant so had built up about £1k to go to uni.

This summer he went on a long trip with friends (funded by his govt child trust fund which we had contributed to every month) then came home for a week and went away again for 10 days with another friend, camping in Europe. We gave him just under £200 for this trip (mainly Euros we had left over from our holiday) and I had to transfer another £150 to him at some point as he had no money. So, he has had almost 8 weeks of holiday and I was expecting (and had told him this) that he would be working for the rest of the summer to give himself some pocket money and hopefully save a bit to spend at uni next year. Instead, he has spent most days in bed till at least midday then literally doing nothing all day. When I've asked whether he's phoned the restaurant from last summer or got in touch with the Agency a friend recommended I am told he'll do it "later." This has been going on for 4 days now and I have not handled it well and it's ended up with us arguing and him now "threatening" to go back to his uni house this weekend and stay there to escape my nagging. Oh and this is the uni house I have paid 2 months rent on for him already this summer.

I don't think I am being unreasonable expecting him to find work for the rest of the summer considering he's had an 8 week jolly. He has absolutely no money at all and has reached his overdraft limit so any time he needs money he asks me. He's not going out at home as most of his home friends aren't around so he's not asking for money on a daily basis but he's planning on going to a party in his Uni city this weekend so will need train fare and beer money. The plan was that I would drive him there, we'd go shopping for a few clothes (at my expense of course), have lunch together then I'd come back and he'd come home the next day on the train. After a huge argument yesterday he is saying he's going there and not coming back and I said if that's the case I won't be driving him there.

I'm interested to know if other people are happily funding their YP over the summer and whether my expectation that my funding him just from September to June was wrong? I'd be happier giving him money if he were up and looking for work every day or offering to help around the house - there's plenty he could do in the garden - but he doesn't.

It is my job when she tried to rope me into the idea that 19 year old uni students should be allowed to sit around the house all summer.

And no I'm not miserable because we all earn money and my kids arent lazy.

When DD first went to uni I agreed with her that I would pay her accommodation costs so she didn't need to get a term time job but would expect her to do her best to find a job over the summer.

Her first year she did manage to find a series of temporary jobs (admittedly with a bit of nagging from me as well), second year unfortunately she's been ill so hasn't been able to look for jobs.

But generally yes, I think a student should be expected to work over the summer - if for nothing else to have experience to show a future employer. I'm more worried about the implications of that for DD than having had to support her financially this summer.

My kids helped out on our farm for no pay at the weekends and holidays... unless it was hay time or geese plucking. That is the norm on most farms! At least until 16. Then if they leave school they get a measly apprenticeship wage. Ours quickly found jobs for 6th form and uni holidays at other local businesses that paid them better wages!
We were though very strict about H&S and them not using farm vehicles until they had a licence.

Not unreasonable at all. I used to come home with an overdraft, work for a couple of months to pay it off (paying a contribution to board and lodging as well) and save for a month's travelling, so I went back to university with a clean slate. Everyone else I knew (and some were from very well off families) did the same. One aristocratic friend had an horrendous job on a chicken farm.

I would be more forgiving if he was trying really hard to find a job, as it is difficult at the moment. In your case I would feed him and that is it.

Best student summer jobs 2026 - Save the Student I'd also add the care sector.

It's always been the way in family businesses

It's a bit late not. The summer is almost over.

I think it's time to sit down and work out a set amount he gets per month and tell him that's all he's going to get. Then he can choose to eat beans on toast and never go out or he can get a job.

We are a high income family and I would not have supported my kids to that extent over the summer. They were expected to get jobs and if they didn’t they would be fed but there would be no spending money. Ds learned a lesson when he hung out at uni spending every penny we’d given him with no thought to the summer - he only did that once!

I’m not surprised your ds is jot getting a job - he’s got you funding his fun. You’ll need to make him aware of your expectations going forward. I also do not tolerate anyone calling me a nag because they are lazy sods! He should be very embarrassed about his laziness not calling you names!

For those saying it's a bit late now, I would beg to disagree in my son's case. He has 2 "leads" - the restaurant he worked at last summer and over Xmas plus some warehouse work a friend's uncle may possibly be offering. This is what had made me so annoyed! If he'd just messaged or gone into the restaurant and/or chased the agency the friend's uncle uses I wouldn't be so cross with him. It's the absolute lack of effort on his part that I am struggling with. I'm glad I posted here as I was starting to wonder whether I was being a bit mean - clearly I am not. DH and I tried talking to him again on Saturday but didn't get very far. We won't be giving him any more money until term starts that's for sure! I think his plan now is to do Online Tutoring (he did an interview for this at the end of July and got the job) and get a bar/restaurant job too in his uni city.

Hopefully like IndestructibleRubberplants' DS, mine will have learned a lesson this summer.

The lesson of the summer so far seems to be you will fund his holidays. You need to make sure he understands that will not be the same next year (unless you will again).

In all honesty I haven’t. He paid for both and we just gave him some spare Euros from our holidays as spends for the second. Bear in mind this was with the expectation he would work when he got back.

Paid for them with the child trust fund you had saved for him though didn't he? I'm still intrigued how much that was that he spent on holidays.

I worked every summer when I was a teen and in college. My DD also worked when she wasn't visiting her father during the summers. I wasn't able to afford any extra funding to her so she had to work for it. I dont think you are being unreasonable at all. He can travel when he gets his own job and money.

@Winter2020 I’m not sure why you are intrigued to know how much he spent on the holiday. At the end of the day it’s his money to do what he wants with. Someone else on the thread has explained this already - the money becomes the YP’s when they reach 18. We as parents get no control over how it’s spent and he used it for a holiday with my blessing (not that he needed my blessing!) I guess back in the day there was the faint hope it might be used towards a house deposit but with house prices increasing like they have, it would be a drop in the ocean and my DS won’t be in a position to buy a house for a long, long time.

After all this, DS has managed to get a job which he started today and will take him right up to when uni starts! Phoned the agency this morning and started at lunchtime!

That's great news!
And typical to cause all the worry and then quietly just do what they should have done all along!
See if he can pin down Christmas while he's there.

When I my son started uni we agreed to top his loan up to th maximum amount. We gae him the choice as to whether tht was paid to him monthly, weekly and trm time only or all 52 weeks.

But regardless it was the same annual amount. He worked alongside his course.

And as someone wh has both run a family business and who used to apply for child employment licences with very few exeptions it is illegal to eploy a child in a family business under the age of 13.

OK. That's what you chose to do.
My son's child trust fund will be about 4k and it will be factored into his uni funding.
If he spends it on a holiday I wont be making that money up.

My son's just starting his A levels. Probably wants to study in London and as the means tested government funding won't go near to even paying his rent we (my husband, myself and my son) are trying to save 12k over his A levels towards topping up his first year. If he told me he was spending his child trust fund on a holiday then I'm downing tools!

You don’t have enough money coming in to help him out any more. He really should be working whilst at university if he wants to have holidays.

I’m not really short of money tbh. Like I’ve said, I have a side hustle that more than covers the monthly payment I give DS when he’s at uni to bring him up to the max loan and I pay for some of his big ticket items on top. He has a job for next year - online tutoring - and is going to try and get a few shifts in a cafe or restaurant so that will be his holiday money for next summer.

Well done for pushing him in the right direction. You are 💯 correct, it is not too late. Take a bow. Great parenting.

Does he have a term time job? or did he have one? How many of the PP on there saying OP DS should get on this bike and find a job, live in a city where there are more likely to be accessible jobs?

I think this is a tricky one in as much as the OP and her DS might each have a bit of right on their sides. Being a student and being a parent has changed.

In the olden days of todays’ uni students’ parents being students, in my uni anyway, we weren’t all expected to leave and go back and live at home all holiday just to see our parents. That would have been thought pretty boring.

It wasn’t unusual for students to stay up in their uni accommodation over the summer and to carry on working in their paid jobs up there. A bit of a holiday feeling then because there was no uni work to do and it was loads of fun house sharing and being young people living together. Visits were enough to see the parents and parents if nearby enough might come up to visit them .Mine never did. That was fine.

Jobs were easier to come by back then but also students who did the above were more attractive to employers because they weren’t term time only employees.

Now today’s parents want their kids to be living with them for the holidays to see them and save money maybe but unless your kids have a job to come back to at home that’s very hard for them to fulfil finding a job and earning a surplus to take to uni in a short timeframe when they’re only home for a temporary amount of time.

If he chooses not to work, leave a list of jobs u expect him to do. Stop funding his lifestyle

Also- nice to have had a child trust fund! They were a flash in the pan form Tony Blair’s’ New Labour, but great to have had that. You’d not get given £250 or £500 from the government these days just to save for the benefit of your own child, which is a pity.

@Googlelafythanks for the praise. I think he realised over the weekend that I meant business.

@SaucerandCup I am not a clingy parent desperately wanting DS to be here all summer so no pressure there. He didn’t have a term time job last year but as I explained upthread, he has secured an online tutoring role for next year.

We don’t live in a city - more of a market town. If anyone’s in the same boat it might be worth signing up with a few agencies. The one he got the job through know he’s only here for 3 more weeks but they obvs can’t fill the role.

No motivation to get a job if you keep funding him. No need to argue or nag, just say you don’t have any money. Stop paying for child trust fund, etc.

I don’t think many of us adults will work if we have someone funding our lifestyle