Am I unreasonable expecting my university son to work over summer?

[Anjelika]

Looking for some perspective here as relations between my DS and I have broken down completely over this. DS finished Y1 at Uni in June. We are not a high income family - I earn £35k and DH the minimum wage. DS got nowhere near the max loan last year and I gave him money every month Sep to Jun which brought him up to the max loan and then about another £1k on top of that for various bits like society memberships and running shoes. He had a very part time job in the Sixth Form then worked last summer in a restaurant so had built up about £1k to go to uni.

This summer he went on a long trip with friends (funded by his govt child trust fund which we had contributed to every month) then came home for a week and went away again for 10 days with another friend, camping in Europe. We gave him just under £200 for this trip (mainly Euros we had left over from our holiday) and I had to transfer another £150 to him at some point as he had no money. So, he has had almost 8 weeks of holiday and I was expecting (and had told him this) that he would be working for the rest of the summer to give himself some pocket money and hopefully save a bit to spend at uni next year. Instead, he has spent most days in bed till at least midday then literally doing nothing all day. When I've asked whether he's phoned the restaurant from last summer or got in touch with the Agency a friend recommended I am told he'll do it "later." This has been going on for 4 days now and I have not handled it well and it's ended up with us arguing and him now "threatening" to go back to his uni house this weekend and stay there to escape my nagging. Oh and this is the uni house I have paid 2 months rent on for him already this summer.

I don't think I am being unreasonable expecting him to find work for the rest of the summer considering he's had an 8 week jolly. He has absolutely no money at all and has reached his overdraft limit so any time he needs money he asks me. He's not going out at home as most of his home friends aren't around so he's not asking for money on a daily basis but he's planning on going to a party in his Uni city this weekend so will need train fare and beer money. The plan was that I would drive him there, we'd go shopping for a few clothes (at my expense of course), have lunch together then I'd come back and he'd come home the next day on the train. After a huge argument yesterday he is saying he's going there and not coming back and I said if that's the case I won't be driving him there.

I'm interested to know if other people are happily funding their YP over the summer and whether my expectation that my funding him just from September to June was wrong? I'd be happier giving him money if he were up and looking for work every day or offering to help around the house - there's plenty he could do in the garden - but he doesn't.

Thanks everyone for confirming what I expected - DS is being lazy and entitled. Just to answer a few questions, I appreciate it can be hard for YP to find work during the holidays and there is a month left. However DS worked in a restaurant last summer and over Xmas and hasn't even bothered to contact them. One of his friends apparently has an uncle offering warehouse work and the uncle told DS to sign up to the Agency he uses. DS did this in between his holidays but the agency have not contacted him - I have told him he needs to follow this up but again he's done nothing.

DS has 2 siblings who couldn't be more different - both have part time jobs.

DS has a job lined up for next year at uni. It's online tutoring through a proper company but I'm not sure how that will go unless the students get handed to him on a plate! He is like a different person at uni I think - he's organised lots of successful fund raising activities for example. Just a shame he hasn't got any desire to raise funds for himself!

DD got a job in her uni town at Easter of yr1, partly because she needed the money (we were willing to fund essentials) and partly because she really didn’t like the part time job she knew she would need to return to at home otherwise. She worked in the uni town evenings and also holidays..All her friends have worked every holiday. So yeah, he’s lazy and entitled to not even try.

@veryoldwomanthey were. I remember one of my law lectures in the late 90's who must be about your age mentioning that.

DSis and I started working in a pub at 15 and worked there during university holidays. She also worked in a shop whilst studying. I chose not to but cut my cloth accordingly.

It's not illegal for a child to be paid for helping out their family business for the day. Stop being ridiculous.

It also used to be possible to claim unemployment benefit in the university summer holidays.

That's very unusual.

Yes it is.

The rule in my family was summer holidays parents paid for board and lodging and that was it. Any money for activities were to be paid by the student. There was an expectation that students would work in the summer holidays mainly to build up a fund for the following academic year.

Ignore all the shitty comments from people who probably don’t Even have children this age!

I’m afraid to say, OP, Your son has absolutely zero motivation to get a job because you have been funding him very nicely thank you. I can’t believe given you are a low income family that your son hasn’t got a part-time job was at uni let alone having a summer job lined up. Time to cut the purse strings a little bit - File means pay for his essentials, but I certainly wouldn’t be funding his socialising at uni and I absolutely wouldn’t be paying for holidays other than family holidays.

We give £50 a week during term time, during holidays we enjoy having them home and they eat, get washing etc as normal. They have a summer job to save up for next year 's living costs. They can also earn extra money ironing or washing windows, jobs that are over and above the normal family household chores.

HRTFT. Let him go back to his student house and stop funding his social life. I don't know how you can afford everything you're saying you do on your income anyway.
DD has far more money than most students, around £17,000 per year, and whilst I don't want her to work during termtime, I do expect it during each holiday and to save.

This is exactly what I was hoping would be the case with DS! I give him money during term time and he gets a summer job to save towards the next year.....only that hasn't happened this year.

He hasn't really needed a job at uni as I have been making his loan up to the max loan and paying for some bigger ticket items plus he had £1k saved up from working last summer. He also got a bursary which we didn't apply for - I think the uni jlooks at everyone who doesn't get the minimum loan and awards accordingly.

Thankfully he has got an online tutoring job lined up for next year but it's what we do between now and his loan coming in (so around a month's time) that's the big issue.

No more money. He can eat the meals you cook if he's at home. But no lifts, no cash, no gathering up food to take with him, no drinking your alcohol.

He gets a bed and meals. Nothing more.

I suspect he's experience friends from uni with families far more financially able than yours and he's become resentful about not having the easy life his mates have.

Tough. He isn't living in the real world.

This isn't always the case. I've known boys who had really good work ethic, had had part time jobs since they were 14 who then went to university and met others who were relying completely on the BOMAD and it really skewed their perspective. My own DS became friends with a very nice but wealthy boy and it has really changed him. Said boy is on his 3rd gap year since graduating, he goes on various courses around the world (eg sailing instructor training in Carribbean has been one such course) as he doesn't know what he wants to do yet and the parents seem happy enough to fund it. As a result my DS feels he has been brought up in a workhouse.

This stopped around 1982 or 3 when I was a student. I worked in the summer anyway.

Both my grandsons were on courses with rich, private school kids. They still had to work but managed to maintain friendships with the other students.

DD is a little younger, but has just finished year 1. We pay her rent and she lives off min grant and whatever she earns. We were very clear at the outset that this would be the set-up.

She has had jobs at home since she was 16 (currently working 15-20 hours/week in a local bar). I can’t think of any of her friends who hasn’t had some sort of job this summer (be it lifeguarding/gardening/building/bar work/shop staff/holiday club assistant). Most (all) did some sort of volunteering work before getting a paid role.

OPs son probably has another month before his next grant money comes so needs to find a job or start selling stuff on Vinted/eBay.

In OP’s position I would pay for DS to have a haircut, do a supermarket shop and leave him in the Uni town to find a job for next year. The managers of bars/eateries/shops will know by now which kids will be away from mid-September.

If it means begging a friend/relative or OP sitting down with the DC to help him with a CV and suggesting a plan of attack to find jobs, so be it.

This isn't even relevant to the thread.
You just seem to want to pick an argument.

I think that's an interesting point about peer groups. my DD is working this summer as is everyone she knows. Some of her friends have term time jobs, but not all, and it's acknowledged that it's much harder to get a term time job unless you want to live in the uni town all year round (which some of her friends are). However, I can see if you move in a bubble where working during uni is not the norm you may feel hard done by.

My uni DS is working this summer. Family income is high on mn standards. He has min loan, we pay accommodation but all other spends is up to him! I’ll pay for transport to uni if not driving, hair cut at home and some clothes. Social life, lads holidays and uber eats are his problem!
DS wants a placement year so the job is also great for the CV.
DD is year 12. She has a summer job to pay for her shien and Nando’s habit. They need to realise stuff costs money.

When I went to uni at 45 to retrain for another career as an injury meant I could no longer do my original career, I had to work every single weekend and every holiday and sometimes nights during the week too as I had a mortgage to pay.
Whats wrong with a young man without any disabilities that he cant work?
Its time to withdraw all money and tell him the free ride is over.
He works or he gets nothing.

No, it really isn't.

I don't understand your point...

Too late to go back in time, inherit a farm, and have him work there in the summer throughout his childhood op so you'll have to think of something else and leave those who were able to do that to bask in their own perfection.

Surely he knows he's being unreasonable? Depending on where you are there tends to be some catering shifts etc about at this time of year, or temp jobs doesn't there.

Are you able to have a calm conversation about it at this point to find out if he really thinks it's ok for you to bankroll him without any effort from him?