Am I unreasonable expecting my university son to work over summer?

[Anjelika]

Looking for some perspective here as relations between my DS and I have broken down completely over this. DS finished Y1 at Uni in June. We are not a high income family - I earn £35k and DH the minimum wage. DS got nowhere near the max loan last year and I gave him money every month Sep to Jun which brought him up to the max loan and then about another £1k on top of that for various bits like society memberships and running shoes. He had a very part time job in the Sixth Form then worked last summer in a restaurant so had built up about £1k to go to uni.

This summer he went on a long trip with friends (funded by his govt child trust fund which we had contributed to every month) then came home for a week and went away again for 10 days with another friend, camping in Europe. We gave him just under £200 for this trip (mainly Euros we had left over from our holiday) and I had to transfer another £150 to him at some point as he had no money. So, he has had almost 8 weeks of holiday and I was expecting (and had told him this) that he would be working for the rest of the summer to give himself some pocket money and hopefully save a bit to spend at uni next year. Instead, he has spent most days in bed till at least midday then literally doing nothing all day. When I've asked whether he's phoned the restaurant from last summer or got in touch with the Agency a friend recommended I am told he'll do it "later." This has been going on for 4 days now and I have not handled it well and it's ended up with us arguing and him now "threatening" to go back to his uni house this weekend and stay there to escape my nagging. Oh and this is the uni house I have paid 2 months rent on for him already this summer.

I don't think I am being unreasonable expecting him to find work for the rest of the summer considering he's had an 8 week jolly. He has absolutely no money at all and has reached his overdraft limit so any time he needs money he asks me. He's not going out at home as most of his home friends aren't around so he's not asking for money on a daily basis but he's planning on going to a party in his Uni city this weekend so will need train fare and beer money. The plan was that I would drive him there, we'd go shopping for a few clothes (at my expense of course), have lunch together then I'd come back and he'd come home the next day on the train. After a huge argument yesterday he is saying he's going there and not coming back and I said if that's the case I won't be driving him there.

I'm interested to know if other people are happily funding their YP over the summer and whether my expectation that my funding him just from September to June was wrong? I'd be happier giving him money if he were up and looking for work every day or offering to help around the house - there's plenty he could do in the garden - but he doesn't.

The rest of the summer is about a month. Where is he going to find work now? Hard enough to get a job, let alone one he will need to either leave or change his hours for.

You have enabled him, you can’t pull the rug right now and expect him to fix your financial issues. Have a word with him about how things are going to go from here, and that could include getting a job through term time too.

At this point he might be better heading back to his uni to get a job there. There aren’t many weeks left of this summer for an employer to hire him and most will have long since hired summer staff (though there might be agency stuff). If he were to head back now he could look for a job there before thousands of other students arrive trying to look for one.

I only read the title of your post and know straight away that of course you’re not being rude unreasonable! I stunned he doesn’t want his own money and some experience to put on his CV.

Yanbu. And don’t feel bad about this. He’s got to switch from “child mode” to “responsible adult mode” and I’ve noticed with teenaged boys this tends to be a tough transition.

All the people saying “oh my dc worked from age 7 / 12 / 15”… well great, but it’s irrelevant because you are not in that position.

I’d sit down and SHOW him your basic family budget. Show him your take home pay and how that gets used up each month in rent, food, travel costs, utilities, etc. Then show him how his university costs impact that. Show him that if his part of the budget is blown, that means mum can’t afford a haircut, and dad will have to do extra overtime shifts to make ends meet, and there won’t be enough for your and dh tp take any kind of vacation whereas he’s living at the edge of his overdraft.

Then say, “we love having you home and we love your company. I think you will have to go back to your university house - the rent is paid, and you will probably have more luck getting a job there because you can offer to continue working evenings and weekends during term time. That will make you more employable, and you can save money for your next long vacation if you work term time. We will give you £x per week and no more than that during term time, we won’t give you any money in holidays from now on. In the holidays, if you come home you will do your share of chores and we will charge you a cost of £x per week for food. How you find the money for that is up to you. But we don’t have any money left, you’re blowing through the savings we made for your university costs and we need to hold a bit back to get your through year 2 and year 3. As for clothes and shoes - we might get you some bits for birthday and Christmas so think about what you need. The rest would come from your budget, I know this sounds harsh but you aren’t a 13 year old, and we aren’t a family that can afford for you to be spending summers abroad at our expense. I wish we were, but this is the real world.”

I would stop giving him fun money but instead say you'll match every £1 he earns with a £1 from you. A bit more carrot than stick. I feel your frustration, though. I hate being robbed off with 'later' and then being accused of nagging.

DD1 (finished Y1 Uni) has been an au pair for a month in Europe (rubbish pay but great experience!) and is working 3 jobs to pay for some other travel and to go back to Uni.

We topped up the min loan to max (accom was £2k more than min loan) and she’s lived off the remainder (c.£3.5k). I do a big food shop for her at the start of term but that’s it.

I do think giving them money for the year and then letting them get on with it, rather than drip feeding money, is a good way for them to understand how to budget. Caveat that, we top her up termly in line with the student loan payments.

DD2 (off to Uni this year) has struggled to find work but she is picking bits and pieces up, including a pot washing job for a party spotted on a local FB. She’s applied for over 30 jobs so I know it’s tough but there are opportunities out there even if not very appealing!

I would draw a line and leave it to him to figure it all out - I don’t think it will take that long with no money!

Hope he comes to his senses soon x

My client is thrilled we had that conversation.

It's really hard to go from not working, to working with the full expectations of a contracted employee in a business. Previous generations always worked so their graduate job was never their first ever job. That is increasingly common now and why graduates are becoming more and more burdensome in the workplace in several fields. It overwhelms the benefit of their fresh ideas and academic foundation.

It can be really hard to get work at uni but it sounds like he had potential openings at home so really should be using them to get some money behind him.

When things are calmer you need to sit him down for a grown up conversation about family finances so he realises he needs to take done responsibility for his own spending.

Christmas jobs will be advertising soon. It's best to think in advance as much as possible.

So your family’s business illegally employed minors? Presumably also breaching health and safety legislation too?

How old was your client’s child that you were lecturing? I would be rethinking my relationship with your business if I were your client.

Lol. Tell that to farmer's kids. This is what is wrong with the world

This,

Definitely not being unreasonable. I never charged rent/ food money in the holidays as fortunately we didn’t need to - but ‘fun’ money had to be earned.
They could join the family holiday for free - but other holidays/trips/beer money/ Vinted addiction had to be funded by them.
Agree with other posters that he is unlikely to find a job at home now - so he either earns money from you by doing key jobs that need to be done (and done well - but don’t over pay him!) or he heads back to Uni location and gets a job there.

If he got a job that would quickly be unaffordable for OP.

We always worked since 14.
And through university.
My niece is going in September. Her study is 30 hours a week on lectures and she is keeping on one shift. She has worked all summer to get the money. Same with other family. All worked.

You do sound a bit too involved tbh. The two of you shouldn't be arguing about what you want him to do with his time, he's older enough now to decide that.

But there's also no way.you should be giving him money for anything at this age if he isn't trying to work.
Take a step back, he can work out that if he wants to do something it means earning money.

This is the best advice. The problem is he can sit around and play on his computer and listen to music. I'd be stripping his budget back to the bare minimum. If he leaves uni having never worked he will be unemployable.

Of course you are not BU but it's not always easy to find a summer job and I'd imagine even harder to find one just for the last month of the summer holidays. But he absolutely should at least try.

But I do think you needed to be clear about your expectations for money. I've made it clear to my uni DD that she will always have a home here and I'll happily feed her and provide things like basic toiletries, but if she wants to go away or socialise during the holiday then that's up to her to fund. But that was a conversation we had before she went to uni. The student loan is meant to cover the holiday although it does depend on how much your DS's rent is as to whether the student loan is actually enough money in the first place.

That's very harsh! I have worked my entire life apart from when on maternity leave. I work full time and have a side hustle in the evenings and weekends which basically funds DS at uni! I have 2 other children younger than DS who both work so please don't question my values around working!

Clients child is 19. Older than ny oldest

Yes you have. It's likely he thinks that's your role and not one he signed up for.

With very few exceptions (mostly child acting) it is illegal to employ children under 13. Child Labour is part of what is wrong with the world, not protecting them.

What other laws does your business flout?

Both mine work most of the summer vacation - sports clubs/hospitality and have also worked in the Christmas vac unless they had exams immediately after they got back.

I’m 61 and my graduate job was my first job - none of my friends worked in uni holidays. Not possible to generalise. Grants were more generous I think.

YANBU at all, but when he asks for money you say no.

I had one who worked the whole time she was at uni because she was only in lectures three days a week, and the other one worked all summer because he was full time at uni.

He’s left it a bit late tbh, the summer is almost over but at least he has hospitality experience so might pick up some shifts. Where we live there are always pubs after staff.

My grandsons both worked through term time and during all vacations. It goes without saying he should work.