Am I unreasonable expecting my university son to work over summer?

[Anjelika]

Looking for some perspective here as relations between my DS and I have broken down completely over this. DS finished Y1 at Uni in June. We are not a high income family - I earn £35k and DH the minimum wage. DS got nowhere near the max loan last year and I gave him money every month Sep to Jun which brought him up to the max loan and then about another £1k on top of that for various bits like society memberships and running shoes. He had a very part time job in the Sixth Form then worked last summer in a restaurant so had built up about £1k to go to uni.

This summer he went on a long trip with friends (funded by his govt child trust fund which we had contributed to every month) then came home for a week and went away again for 10 days with another friend, camping in Europe. We gave him just under £200 for this trip (mainly Euros we had left over from our holiday) and I had to transfer another £150 to him at some point as he had no money. So, he has had almost 8 weeks of holiday and I was expecting (and had told him this) that he would be working for the rest of the summer to give himself some pocket money and hopefully save a bit to spend at uni next year. Instead, he has spent most days in bed till at least midday then literally doing nothing all day. When I've asked whether he's phoned the restaurant from last summer or got in touch with the Agency a friend recommended I am told he'll do it "later." This has been going on for 4 days now and I have not handled it well and it's ended up with us arguing and him now "threatening" to go back to his uni house this weekend and stay there to escape my nagging. Oh and this is the uni house I have paid 2 months rent on for him already this summer.

I don't think I am being unreasonable expecting him to find work for the rest of the summer considering he's had an 8 week jolly. He has absolutely no money at all and has reached his overdraft limit so any time he needs money he asks me. He's not going out at home as most of his home friends aren't around so he's not asking for money on a daily basis but he's planning on going to a party in his Uni city this weekend so will need train fare and beer money. The plan was that I would drive him there, we'd go shopping for a few clothes (at my expense of course), have lunch together then I'd come back and he'd come home the next day on the train. After a huge argument yesterday he is saying he's going there and not coming back and I said if that's the case I won't be driving him there.

I'm interested to know if other people are happily funding their YP over the summer and whether my expectation that my funding him just from September to June was wrong? I'd be happier giving him money if he were up and looking for work every day or offering to help around the house - there's plenty he could do in the garden - but he doesn't.

No, YANBU and he needs to sort out his finances pronto. DD1 works in the summer and at university, she has rent to cover in the summer for her university house, while being at home. I don't give her money in July and August. She earns about £400 p/w working in a restaurant in the holidays and about £150 p/w in term time working in the student union bar.

And our household income is in the top 5% by the way. DD2 (17) works full time hours in the same place also.

As your DC has been having a lovely summer and its now almost the end of Aug, he probably doesn't see the point in a few weeks work before going back to university. He just doesn't want to tell you.
Deep breathing for you. Feed him and thats all until he goes back.

If he wants extra money to spend he should get a job. For this up and coming trip I might give his train fare and some spending money as it's already arranged. And nothing else. Explain that will be the last time as you ca n't afford more.

I was quoting a poster who said the ds was raised by the OP, so has the values she instilled (he's lazy and entitled). I'm making the point that a change of friendship group when you go to university can really change your outlook, so it's not fair to necessarily say the OP raised him this way. I thought that was very clear in my post, apologies if it wasn't.

Definitely not unreasonable. I worked 2 jobs every summer to pay my own way and allow me the savings to focus on my studies in term time.

I think you probably need to force his hand a bit - call the agency and pass the phone to him, physically drive him down to the restaurant. No more mrs nice mum.

@Rocknrollstar Of course students go on holiday! How bizarre that you think they don’t. With friends or with parents is normal. Often parents pay as dc are still family members and much loved.

As for getting a job! It’s very late in the day for that.

As for next year, he will need something work oriented or a job on graduation looks less likely so I’d be concentrating on that. Applications for internships open in the autumn and I’d be pushing very hard on this. Graduate unemployment is a real thing and even dc with the most elite degrees need a cv with work or volunteering on it.

Am I being unreasonable wanting to see my step daughter.
The situation was i was with my ex partner who became my fiancee. When we met she had a daughter who was 2 years of age and she introduced me to her daugter within 2 weeks of sleeping with each other. We then broke up when she was 7 years old so some 5 years later. This break up was very toxic and it ended over a small thing I did for her daughter nothing bad..However my ex decided as it didnt involve her and she felt second best in her eyes she sent me a message on WhatsApp asking me to leave her house and the marriage was cancelled etc. So I left I then applied to aee my step daughter as from day one I was introduced as "daddy". Anyway she refused now what do I do. Shes already introduced the child to another man only a year after we broke up and hes already being called "daddy". Please help me as I really miss this child..

Oh I disagree. My son would never look at someone who relies solely on their parents at 18 and has no income of their own and see them as anything but a victim of parental neglect. He wouldn't envy them at all and he wouldnt see them as aspirational. They simply wouldn't be friends.

He goes to a private 6th form so he knows kids like this and he keeps a wide berth. You become the company you keep.

A big sit down with some outlined strong boundaries going forward.
Set out expectations and cut funding to this is what you will get ie £5k (or what number you feel fair) a year not a penny more. If he needs stuff ontop of this then he can get a job.
My son and all his friends worked while at uni and even more hours through the holiday. And they all managed either 2:1 or 1st degrees
Im currently study full time for another degree and work 60 hrs a fortnight extra through the holidays.

He us being lazy and needs a rocket up the bum and a funding cut to make him sort it out.

Just to clarify, DS worked during sixth form (but it was a term time job so not available right now), he worked last summer and over Xmas too so it's not like he's never worked. He has a CV already - the issue is that any time I suggest he contact the restaurant he worked at last year or the agency a friend of his recommended as his uncle apparently recruits temp warehouse staff through there, I'm just fobbed off with "later" and if I push any more then I'm "nagging".

I don't think any of his uni friends are being bankrolled by BOMAD all summer. His school friends are more likely to be (state school but wealthy parents) but he knows we are not in a financial position to do this. I said to DH this morning that all he needed to have done was a) contact the restaurant and b) phone the agency to chase the warehouse work and I would have backed off but he's done neither of these and seemingly won't now as I've been nagging him! He put a load of clothes on Vinted a few months ago but nothing's sold and he's put some sports stuff on FB Marketplace but again nothing's sold. I am leaving DH to deal with him now as I've just reached a stalemate.

Clearly you work really hard and for some reason your DS doesn't, all children are wired different so please don't beat yourself up for what has happened .... but you can change the future. It is completely reasonable for students to work in the summer holidays. The key I find with young people is making our expectations clear. My DS was very self centred in his first 2 years of Uni - really only went through puberty at 18/19 - their brain wiring is far from complete so you can't expect adult behaviour.

We sat our two down before our two DC started Uni and said we are paying for 9 months living expenses but you will need to fund your summers and get jobs to pay for any travelling. I had detailed budget spreadsheets and at the end of term for the first year would help them match actual expenditure with budgets. Like others above ours get free food and board while living at home in the summer which enables them to save while working. I think we all forget how easy it is to make assumptions. As others have said time for a chat with your DS and to make clear your expectations for Years 2 and 3.

Only last night I sat down with DC2 to go through the costs for their post graduate two year professional training starting in 2027. It is going to be tight but they are already planning her summer jobs for the next two years.

That's amazing for your son, he sounds great. It sounds like you aren't very well off though? The point is that if you suddenly come into company with people who have never needed to consider money, it can change you over time and warp your thinking that you have been somehow deprived. My ds' friend is a lovely young man, but extremely sheltered from any real life money issues. I remember after they finished first year he suggested they "travel around the world" in the summer holidays. When my son said he had to work, friend was perplexed and said "just ask your parents to pay". It doesn't seem to occur to him that other people do not have a ready made bank on hand. And his parents do not look at him as lazy or entitled, they see him doing these courses as trying to find himself. It's all about how much money you have perspective I suppose.

Of course not. I’m a mature student, I am in uni 9-5 3 days a week. I don’t have the option of parents paying for me so I then go out to work and work all summer. My module grades in first year were 71-100. Nothing below a first. It’s completely possible even if it’s exhausting.

Stop giving him money. He needs to learn that if you spend all your money you run out and then you can’t do things.

He's not amazing because he lacks entitlement and idleness. That's bare minimum.

I agree, might be very hard to get a job but no need to fund him anymore.

Can child trust funds be used for a holiday?

I think your mistake has been giving him money and bailing him out on holiday. We topped up to the maximum loan, but that would was it, if they want a holiday, spending money, etc that's on them. I wouldn't drive him up for his party, he has to learn to cut his coat according to his cloth!

Child trust funds are released to the young person when they turn 18, they can spend it on anything they like.

They can be used for anything once the money becomes the property of the child. I assume OP is referring to the Government one that was available for children born in certain years. DS had one, think we were given £250. We topped it up until DS turned 18 when it then became his. He has saved his for buying a house but it can be used for anything

YANBU. It’s relatively recent that undergraduate students didn’t have a regular term-time job alongside their studies. Uni isn’t full time hours for the majority of courses. (NHS or similar studies with full time placements are the main exception). It’s nice to get a break but the summer vacation period is long and he should be able to fit in a fair amount of summer work as well if there’s anything available.

Why are you giving him more money? My DD gets the minimum and we pay her accommodation which takes it to just over the maximum. I also pay her phone contract and will do a shop for her when I visit. I absolutely will not pay for her to go on holiday unless she’s coming with me. She picks up some work during term time at the uni so chosen not to work this summer but she’s not had anything extra from us nor has she asked.

Holy cow OP if my DS ever accused me of nagging he'd be spending the rest of summer on a park bench or a mate's sofa.

Mine hasn't really worked since he came back, has been away a few times but hasn't asked me for any money for anything. Stop giving him money. If he's broke he's broke. That's his problem. Don't fall out with him over it, dont nag just shut off the cash flow. Mine tends to get a quick job when his money runs out - he's not a forward planner but that works for him. I do not subsidise him at all in holidays and only pay his uni rent.

I shan't "nag" (as he calls it) any more or even mention finding work but similarly I shan't be giving him any more money either. It's up to him now. Thanks everyone for your input.

I agree with @Jamlighter - stop fighting with him and nagging. Just don't give him any more money.

Sorry cross posted OP!