Living with Bipolar

[TopsyTurvyDays]

Named changed and starting a thread just to reach for some understanding I think.

In my 50s, diagnosed a couple of years ago with bipolar when had episode of hympomania. Got back in touch with consultant yesterday as could feel mood lifting (I get more mania than depression). I don’t get euphoria- just angst and misery. Consultant is trying to help me find something more constant I can take to help get enough sleep, as sleeping tablets are addictive and stop working.

I’m just tired and worried and constantly monitoring. Worried I’ll be too much for my friends one day. Worried that I’ve passed on troublesome genes to my kids. Not too worried about my DH as he seems to take it in his stride… looking back I was disguising mild mania with being drunk when we met back in our uni days - so when I fell over the edge, it was all behaviour he’d seen before. We had a worrying couple of days while they ruled out brain tumours etc.

The only people who were mean to me (shouted and screamed) when I slid down the slope into needing an ambulance were my family - siblings and parents. That’s hurt.

I thought I’d imploded my life but actually it’s all gone back to being the same 99%.

I worry for the future. I had an adverse reaction to diazepam and I couldn’t get them to believe me because they thought my behaviour was all the mania. My DH believed me and he got them to believe him.

I worry I won’t be able to drive in the future as we live rurally. But living where we live is part of the reason I held on so long as it’s so peaceful and I love it. Doesn’t work if can’t drive though (lockdown was a taster of what being stuck in house 24/7 was like and it was unbearable for me).

Thanks @KurtCobainLoverits a blessing in a way. She's in no pain which is the main thing.

@mindyourhead78 oh I'm sorry to hear about your mum.
It is good that she's not in pain but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt you any less. Be gentle with yourself x

How’s your mood today? Hope you’re doing ok.

Behaviour activation has never been mentioned to me but I do actually swear by doing something myself. For me though he has to be out of the house. I get up and out. But it certainly didn’t lift my mood at all, quetiapine did that. But it made each day bearable will I tried and tried again for some real medical care.

Hope the supplements help. I definitely found low iron was awful and quickly improved on iron tablets.

Thinking of you and your Mum. Take care xx

I haven’t officially heard back about my complaint to GP but on my NHS app they’ve started doing all the things I wanted them to.
They did accidentally attach a file referring to a different patient to my documents record. After some soul searching, I decided not to wrap it into my complaint and just call up and let the receptionist know. I don’t want to fall out with them. I just want coordinated care that will stand when I’m not well enough to advocate for myself.

Just wanted to say hello, thanks to ramblingaway for directing me to this thread. I have bipolar too and am not doing too well right now but am hoping it will pass. It’s nice to know there are others with bipolar on here (although of course I wouldn’t wish it on anyone!) @mindyourhead78 I’m so sorry to hear about your Mum.

Hi. I’m sorry to hear you’re having a tough time. I hope you’re getting all the support you need. It can feel very isolating so it is nice to have this group of lovely people who understand each other and the types of difficulties we can face.

Mum passed away this morning.

Welcome @PinkPanda99

I'm sorry to hear your mum has passed @mindyourhead78
How are you doing? It must be so difficult with her having been so well until the recent falls especially as you were still dealing with your father's passing.

Do you have some support over the coming days and weeks?

Welcome @PinkPanda99!

Doing things is a bit of a double edged sword for me. I did do about 3 sessions of behaviour activation therapy where my diary mostly read - mood was rubbish, did this, felt worse, went back to bed.
My CPN is pushing the opposite for me at the moment and I do have a bad habit of taking on more than is sensible almost as self harm but also because my childhood experience have taught me that my needs are not as important as other people's needs. My so called " perfectionistic tendencies" (I disagree but using the logic of I'm not perfectionistic enough to be a perfectionist apparently proves rather than disproves the theory) means I don't trust others to do something and have to do it myself. I keep going until I break and then overnight it's like someone has pulled the plug and I can't get out of bed.

An old psychiatrist had his "5 Things to do every week keep the Psychiatrist away" which were

1. Be active
2. Be mindful
3. Learn something
4. Be helpful
5. I would have to look up (sorry)

I have been learning french with Duolingo and have 1000 day streak. Some days it's all I can do to complete the one exercise to keep the streak but other days I really feel pride in how far I've come. The little and often really helps my depressed brain.

Helping others either online or friends I find gives me a bit of purpose and that there is something that beneficial from what I have experienced

The others are more obvious things but thought I'd share

Thanks @SuperscientistI'm actually okay. It was a blessing that she didn't have to suffer. She wasn't in any pain or distress. It's just the mammoth task of clearing her house as she's in a HA property. So that needs to be done asap. My brothers coming down to help and I have my partner and ds's. I thought I'd be worse than this but, like I said I'm cooing well. I am prepared for the mood change though, which will inevitably happen at some point. I'm going to take a couple of weeks off work and hopefully all will be well.

I'm really intrigued with this behaviour activation therapy. It's not something that's ever been mentioned to me.

Sorry to hear about your Mum, @mindyourhead78. All the best sorting her house and planning her funeral. Take care.

@mindyourhead78 , sorry to here about your mum. Hope you are holding up ok.
@PinkPanda99 how are you doing today?

Thinking of you @mindyourhead78, hope you’re as OK as can be.
I’m managing thanks @Ramblingaway , I’ve made it through the week. I’ve also started to look for another job, I’m not sure I’d apply for anything yet but it’s given me some hope going forward.

I’m having a shit day. Went to church this morning and sat at the back so no one could talk me then ran away straight after the service (I normally stay and chat to people over coffee). I’ve been trying to do stuff at home but have mostly been sat on sofa sleeping on and off.

I’m behind on stuff at work so bought my laptop home so I could catch up but I can’t face taking it out of my bag let alone logging on. My boss will be ok but I’m up against deadlines so next week will be a nightmare.

I hate, hate this illness. It’s taken so much from me.

@KurtCobainLover , bipolar is a spiteful thief. It steals joy but also fulfillment and potential. Careers and partners.

I'm sorry you're having a shit day.

@mindyourhead78 I am so sorry to hear about your mum. I wish you and your family the best in the next few weeks.

@PinkPanda99 you are very welcome 💖

@ByLimeAnt I couldn’t agree more. I’m sorry things are so tough @KurtCobainLover , I ended up not going to Church at all this morning, in hindsight it would have done me some good to go I’m sure but I couldn’t face getting out of bed. I’ve also spent most of it sleeping on and off. I’m not sure how on earth I’m going to cope with work next week, couldn’t sleep last night or the night before because I kept dreaming I was getting work messages.

I really hope your week improves.

Hi all. Thanks for the best wishes they're much appreciated. Well we've cleared mums house and I have the inspection with the housing association on Tuesday. I think we've been so busy clearing the place that it still haven't sunk in yet that she's gone. I've been dealing with all the finance side of things, registering her death etc. whilst my brother done the 11 tip runs it took to get rid of everything. I had a clearance firm come Wednesday so all the furniture is gone. Just carpets and shed left to go now which will be Monday.

How are you all keeping? I'm just waiting for the inevitable change of mood. I was off work this week and am taking next week off too. But then I have to go back as I have a course I can't miss. Really not looking forward to it!