Living with Bipolar

[TopsyTurvyDays]

Named changed and starting a thread just to reach for some understanding I think.

In my 50s, diagnosed a couple of years ago with bipolar when had episode of hympomania. Got back in touch with consultant yesterday as could feel mood lifting (I get more mania than depression). I don’t get euphoria- just angst and misery. Consultant is trying to help me find something more constant I can take to help get enough sleep, as sleeping tablets are addictive and stop working.

I’m just tired and worried and constantly monitoring. Worried I’ll be too much for my friends one day. Worried that I’ve passed on troublesome genes to my kids. Not too worried about my DH as he seems to take it in his stride… looking back I was disguising mild mania with being drunk when we met back in our uni days - so when I fell over the edge, it was all behaviour he’d seen before. We had a worrying couple of days while they ruled out brain tumours etc.

The only people who were mean to me (shouted and screamed) when I slid down the slope into needing an ambulance were my family - siblings and parents. That’s hurt.

I thought I’d imploded my life but actually it’s all gone back to being the same 99%.

I worry for the future. I had an adverse reaction to diazepam and I couldn’t get them to believe me because they thought my behaviour was all the mania. My DH believed me and he got them to believe him.

I worry I won’t be able to drive in the future as we live rurally. But living where we live is part of the reason I held on so long as it’s so peaceful and I love it. Doesn’t work if can’t drive though (lockdown was a taster of what being stuck in house 24/7 was like and it was unbearable for me).

Do you think because of having bipolar or that workplaces are shitter in general?

I think post COVID, workplaces are shitter. Managers hide at home, and dodge their responsibilities.

Hope everyone doing ok today. Have been reading all your posts but haven’t messaged for a few days as not been feeling well.

I have a meeting later this week about being accept onto a research programme for people with bipolar and a major depressive episode. It wasn’t the direction I was aiming for when I saw private psychiatrist but at least I’ll be getting some actual medication for my depression. I wouldn’t be eligible if I’d had anything more than lithium so I suppose a silver lining to being left for over a year. It just feels like it’s been so long now and some days the pressure inside is a challenge to live with.

Doesn’t help that the thought of needing medical care for the rest of my life makes me want to give up. I’ve always struggled with medical interactions (which was very obvious when I was manic) but it’s got worse since my last consultant left and they started effectively ignoring me and only getting past the gate keepers if I get someone else to raise the issue on my behalf. When I see an actual doctor there is recognition and they write a written plan of what should happen for me, but because they’re just locumming they don’t follow through and no one else does so nothing gets done.

Sorry slipped into a whinge there!

I'm struggling with low mood too. We have had my in-laws staying for a few days, they have gone now, I just want to hide. I have an appointment with my consultant in the morning though.

Accepting life long medication is hard @TopsyTurvyDays. Pre diagnosis, although I had had a medicated manic episode, I stopped meds as soon as I stable again and didn't go the Drs when I moved address for referrals to the cmht. Then I got depressed again and my GP persuaded me to stick it out a bit longer this time and suggested meds for 2 years. This was 2011 and I've not stopped them at any point.

@Ramblingaway I'm sorry this job didn't work out, my last employer was really understanding and until the last year it was a supportive company to work for but a changes to the board changed all that. I've been out of work now for 18 months and it's been positive and negative for my mental health. There is also quite a bit of dread about finding a suitable role and employer though. I faced disability discrimination during my second degree and gender discrimination in a job in between degrees

I feel bad posting on here when I haven't really contributed - sorry, I hope you don't mind though, I could do with a handhold.

I posted a few weeks ago about my lamotrigine being reduced due to it causing double vision again and what I was scared about is happening. My mood has gradually decreased and now I'm at the point where I am scared that I'm getting really ill again.

I've got a call with my GP tomorrow who I know if going to refer me back to the mental health team. I've bounced backwards and forwards to them since 2019 and never been discharged for longer than 6 months before I'm back with them. I really thought I was going to be ok this time but it looks like I was wrong.

I've rehomed my dog, thought about quitting work and have asked DC's dad to have a little longer than normal the next few weeks.

I guess I just want someone to tell me that it's going to be ok and that one day I'll be stable.

@KurtCobainLover , sending hugs. Are you just on lamotrogine? If so, there are other meds they can add to that to help so I'm sure things can lift again. The problem with this illness (and oh the irony of me typing this when I'm totally the same) is that when we are down, we don't think it will ever lift. And if you need to stay under the mental health team, so be it. Maybe this time try to ask if they can keep you on the books longer so you don't then have the nasty gaps where your mood drops but you can't get back to the team in for weeks/months (area dependant). And so sorry to hear your dog as well xxx PS don't worry about dropping into this chat and back out again. I think we all do that, it's the nature of the illness. I do it with friends too, which feels shit.

@Ramblingaway I’m on lithium and aripiprazole alongside the lamotragine. It’s so frustrating that it was working so well and now I have to choose between double vision or madness.

I’m very fortunate here that I will get a phone call within 48 hours of referral and will see a key worker within a week. I’m hoping it will be the same one as last time as I really got on with her even if she did bang on about behavioural activation constantly!

I’m just so sick of being up and down with little respite in between. It’s not fair on my children (15 & 17) who are starting to realise that I’m not like the other mums but don’t really understand why.

Bipolar is a big pile of smelly poo!

Eeh that ‘behavioural activation’ comment made me laugh. I’ve had the same lectures 😂 and yes, bipolar is a big pain in the arse and it’s not like any of us made a conscious decision to have it did we?! Everyone on here should whinge away freely I reckon, it’s good to get it off your chest to people who understand x

Nobody has ever mentioned behavioural activation to me! Had to look it up.

I just spoke to my GP and he is doing an urgent referral back to the mental health team. I'm hoping I get soon quickly. He was stumped as to what could happen medication wise and I feel like I'm just stuck feeling like this.

Can’t believe youve managed to avoid it 😂

My old key worker called me and has booked a review with the psychiatrist on the 23rd October so not too long to wait. And yes, she did bang on about behavioural activation so I promised I'd have a shower (first in a week so I was probably a bit pongy!). Tomorrow I'm supposed to have a bath - not sure why they always suggest that.....

I was meant to have behaviour activation therapy by the second session it was switched for CBT after filling in two depressed to get out of bed, tried to do things but was too low had to get back into bed. After 3 of 4 sessions of CBT and change of medication, I then did some work with a support worker where we worked on increasing my activity and a month later I was back at work part time.

Turned out that lethargy was the debilitating depression and not me wallowing!!

Behaviour activation and CBT are closely related though. Where CBT focuses on improving mood and functioning by improving thought patterns which has an impact on mood and activity improving thought patterns, behaviour activation goes if you do more, your mood will be better and your thoughts patterns will improve and you will be able to do more and your thoughts will improve

I'm at a bit of a stale mate with mood /health.

They are concerned about the impact of polypharmacy on my body and the effect of meds on my liver because of physical health as well as side effects compounding my physical health problems especially the fatigue and brain fog.
They can't wean me off my mirtazapine as that caused my depression to worsen. The venlafaxine has helped my anxiety and removed the agitation from my depression which risks me tipping into psychosis or mixed state but the foggy don't want to engage with the world depression remains. They could try switching it to something else but they don't want to cross titrate because of my liver and they are worried about the effect it would have on my mood to come off it completely to try something else. My consultant said it would be about 4 months to drop down from 300mg in 37.5mg increments. My quetiapine can't be increased as it's at the max for depression and we know at the higher doses when I have had psychosis it has a blunting effect on my mood.

Lithium was too hard on my body physically so don't want to add that to the mix right now and I don't think that lamotrigine has ever been helpful when I have been on it.

I have been referred now for psychodynamic therapy and hopefully that will come through in the next couple of months. We are all hopeful that this will make a bigger improvement in my mood and being able to engage with help.

We have decided to try increasing the venlafaxine to 375 mg to see if that helps even though it might mean longer to come off it if we decide that will be the right thing and focus more on functionality than mood. I do function fairly well for the level of depression but that is part of the problem. I use activity as a disguise and also as self harm. It's a real effort to not take on everyone else's things and end up wrecked and not functioning.

@Superscientist that sounds really tricky, I hope they find the right balance for you.

Ah, so behavioural activation basically equals faking it until you make it. Marvelous, do it a lot, but it's bloody exhausting and I still feel fake. Mind you, not sure if what I'm doing is actually just masking, as there's a fair chance I'm autistic but really can't face the assessment.

Ladies, I feel awful today. Panic attack that's just continual and feeling like I'll never work again. Any words of words of wisdom or ideas of what to?

Sorry I just saw this - how are you now? I suppose my advice would be that if you have diazepam as supportive meds then take it just to put a brake on the physical symptoms of the panic attack. For me it doesn’t have loads of effect but it does slow my thoughts down which helps.
if you haven’t already then reach out to crisis team and see if they’ll give you some, and maybe sleeping tablets if your sleep is crap. Get out for a walk if you can with some music on, I find that does help a bit. And try and challenge the thoughts about work - they aren’t facts (far easier said than done I know).
I totally get what you are describing and I’ve been there myself - it won’t last forever. I’m off work still since end of May as they still won’t let me back despite a fit note saying I can come back and me repeatedly asking. I’ve been there 8 years next month and I think I’m going to have to quit after the way I’ve been treated 😖x

Don't have diazapam but do have extra quetiapine so will take one. Mum is dragging me to a museum today, so that's the behavioural activation covered. Although I know after 30 minutes I'll want to get home again, so I think I'm a bit agoraphobic at the minute. Or people-phobic. @MarmadukeM sorry to hear your employer still hasn't got anything sorted for you. I really do think employment is often make it break for us. Good employment keeps us on a steady path and is so helpful. But bad employers can just send us right off the tightrope

Probably not a lot of help but have you tried phergan (promethezine)? You can get it over the counter and taking one calms me (two sends me to the land of nod).

I take promethazine- 2 a night at the moment as my anxiety is so bad I'm waking in the early hours almost every night. They do help.

As I mentioned I have an appointment with the psychiatrist on the 15th. Didn't realise its a day I've booked out a venue for a training course and have 16 people booked on. So I've asked if I can have a telephone consult instead. Psychs secretary said she'd phone me back once she got an answer from her, but I'm still waiting. I'm hoping she says yes.

Been working away all week, managed to fake it all week. Plastered the happy smiley face on. But boy does it take energy. Today I just feel totally drained. I have zero energy. Food shop arrived earlier and I managed to put it all away- that took some doing. But pleased I done it- felt like I'd actually achieved something (lol ffs it's only putting away a food shop!!)

Mums still in hospital. I haven't rung all week to see how she is. How bad is that? I've just been concentrating on getting myself through each day. They probably (and rightly so) have a low opinion of me on the ward as I haven't phoned or been down. That's partly why I haven't phoned. I'm afraid of being 'told off'. I just keep thinking, she's on the ward, she's safe, she's being looked after. I'm just dreading her coming out and having to look after her, when I'm struggling to look after myself right now.

The reality is, if someone (it will be the psychiatrist) asks 'how are you feeling?' My honest answer is 'I don't know!' I feel like I'm going around the twist. I want to cry, but seem to have the inability to cry anymore. I want to scream 'stop the world let me get off!', I want to hide away in my bed. Yet my brain is going 100 miles an hour, and I'm currently thinking whilst I wallow away that I may sign up for another level 5 qualification as it seems like a really good idea to gainnsome more qualifications and I may leave my job and go self employed. 😂

Opps didn't realise that would be so long!

Hi, hopefully it’s ok for me to join? I’ve been diagnosed with bi polar type 1 and I work for the NHS. I haven’t worked since jan 2025 because my mental health has been so bad. I’m a lot better now and I’ve been offered a new job. Would you disclose the bipolar to occy health ?

I disclosed it last time and ended up with a grievance that didn’t go anywhere because it was my word against hers but my managers boss did a return to work with me where I disclosed again to her I had bipolar and she googled my meds in front of me and then said Am I safe sitting here with the door closed? I mean this says they’re an antipsychotic.. are you going to go psycho on me

She was such a bitch. I’m just really nervous about disclosing my diagnosis because of the stigma of it but also if I need any reasonable adjustments or I dip into another episode and I haven’t disclosed it they could sack me.

Argg this is so hard!

What the actual fuck?! That is disgusting. 😡
so sorry that happened to you, what a bitch.
id say yes id disclose to occ health as they are professionals and wont have such an ignorant attitude plus it means that if you need support its likely going to be much easier to get reasonable adjustments put in place etc. up to you obviously but please dont let that experience put you off accessing something which can be of support xx

@wouldntyouwanthelpI'm sorry this happened to you. That's not right in any way shape or form. I would have thought those working in the NHS would have a little more understanding and compassion. Goes to show how ignorant she is.

I was worried about disclosing to my employer when I joined. I ended up emailing my line manager and telling him before I signed my contract. Work have been brilliant. I've had to take a couple of weeks a year off to deal with things but my manager just tells me to take all the time I need. Having a supportive manager makes the world of difference! I've been struggling the last several weeks and panicking about the amount of work I've booked in for myself when all has been great in the world. I emailed him and his responses was 'you can only do what you can do'.