Living with Bipolar

[TopsyTurvyDays]

Named changed and starting a thread just to reach for some understanding I think.

In my 50s, diagnosed a couple of years ago with bipolar when had episode of hympomania. Got back in touch with consultant yesterday as could feel mood lifting (I get more mania than depression). I don’t get euphoria- just angst and misery. Consultant is trying to help me find something more constant I can take to help get enough sleep, as sleeping tablets are addictive and stop working.

I’m just tired and worried and constantly monitoring. Worried I’ll be too much for my friends one day. Worried that I’ve passed on troublesome genes to my kids. Not too worried about my DH as he seems to take it in his stride… looking back I was disguising mild mania with being drunk when we met back in our uni days - so when I fell over the edge, it was all behaviour he’d seen before. We had a worrying couple of days while they ruled out brain tumours etc.

The only people who were mean to me (shouted and screamed) when I slid down the slope into needing an ambulance were my family - siblings and parents. That’s hurt.

I thought I’d imploded my life but actually it’s all gone back to being the same 99%.

I worry for the future. I had an adverse reaction to diazepam and I couldn’t get them to believe me because they thought my behaviour was all the mania. My DH believed me and he got them to believe him.

I worry I won’t be able to drive in the future as we live rurally. But living where we live is part of the reason I held on so long as it’s so peaceful and I love it. Doesn’t work if can’t drive though (lockdown was a taster of what being stuck in house 24/7 was like and it was unbearable for me).

I took mounjaro when I was on quetiapine and sertraline - I know what you mean about the weight gain and high cholesterol 😖💕

I’d take mounjaro if I could but you can’t on lithium. I’m feeling ok enough to be back at the gym but no weight is shifting yet.

Ah that’s a bummer 😖

Hey how is everyone doing?

I had a private consultation with a psychiatrist that specialises in mood disorders last night. It was really useful. It was everything you’d want in an appointment. He was professional, kind, knowledgable. Listened to all my angst (especially CMHT) but didn’t get distracted by it. He works in the NHS too so he’s emailed me some options for me to consider over weekend to try and get me out of this ongoing major depressive episode.

He also confirmed that you don’t get sectioned and hospitalised with hypomania, it’s mania whatever my records show. I don’t know why that matters to me but it does.

It was a good video call for my husband too. He got to say his things too. He sounded tired, sad and angry which he is. It’s one thing accepting you have to live with bipolar. It’s another to know there is a load of available support that you just can’t access.

So glad you found the private psychiatrist helpful! It's so important to have someone you trust.
Did your doctors try and tell you that you were sectioned for hypomania in the past? I'm pretty sure your psychiatrist is right and you would only be sectioned for full blown mania. Glad you got a lot out of your appointment. Are you going to see them again?

I've had an abdominal ultrasound and gastroscopy to try and find out about my sickness and nausea that I've been getting. Im pretty sure its my vortioxetine or anxiety causing in. Nothing found on the gastroscopy and the abdominal ultrasound could see my chronic kidney disease and hydronephritis? So I need another ultrasound to see if anything is causing the hydronephritis. Another blood test monday to look at the kidney function again. Appointments are exhausting. No psychiatrist appointments recently.

Well I am sick as a chip. I’m still off work even though I have a fit note that I got last week saying I can return and also a supporting email from my CPN saying that being off work and on half pay is causing me finacial
stress and means I am isolated and lacking routine and that I’d benefit from being allowed to return. I sent an email re this a week past Thursday to the managers and no one even sent a reply to say they had received it - unbelievable! So I sent a follow up yesterday asking for at least acknowledgement they’d received the fit note etc and basically the manager said yes they’ve received it and basically they won’t allow me back till I see occupational health (even though it’s been four weeks since the referral was sent and I don’t even have an appointment yet). I’m so fed up - my nurses said in the email that I have been stable for 3 months now so I think I may have a case to be able to ask them directly if I am actually ‘medically suspended’ rather than ‘sick’ due to the fact I am trying to come back and have evidence saying I’m completely well and fit for work. Apparently it’s not lawful to keep someone off indefinitely when they are well waiting for an appointment that is not materialising. God knows. I’m so unhappy with them - I think they are trying to force me to quit and I’m very close to it. I’ve been there 8 years and the way they have treated me following my relapse has been horrible. Ironic that they are now the only real cause of stress and threat to my mental health relapsing! X

Sorry to hear you’ve needed all these appointments. I hope you get some answers and reassurance soon. Appointments are exhausting for me too. Before, during and after. You said you’ve not have any psychiatry appointments recently - are you feeling in an even keel?

My records show hypomania. No one has ever discussed the section with me. Well they probably did at the time but I was too ill to remember. I will definitely have contact with this doctor again. Not sure if they will be through NHS or private yet. It just feels good right now to be understood and not ignored. Although nothing has changed treatment wise yet of course.

I’m so sorry it’s continued and knot improved for you. It’s really starting not to feel right. There is no way an occupational health referral shouldn’t be at least scheduled by now. Is it worth seeing if a bipolar charity or your local MP would take on your cause. It’s a long time since I worked in HR and you’d need an employment lawyer to give definitive option on employment law around discrimination but ithry behaviour does feel discriminatory from what you write and I’m no surprised you’ve been left feeling like they may want you to leave. I’m so sorry you’ve had this tough time especially as you were looking forward to being snug in your new home. We’re all rooting for you.

Thanks for your kind words ❤️
yes it doesn’t feel ‘right’ the way they are behaving. I’ve let it slide so far but I think I need to get a CV ready and start looking for alternative employment whilst also pushing them to answer a few questions re sickness va medical suspension and also apparently I can ask what reasonable adjustments they have considered to try and allow me to return whilst awaiting the appointment (the answer to that being ‘none’).
they were put in special measures a year ago and part of the CQC report focused on bullying and harassment against some members of staff. The manager who had whistleblown to CQC got paid off a few months ago so the whole place is rotten to the core - it’s unrecognisable from what it was like when I joined in 2018, it’s a shame x

Hi everyone.

Don't think I've posted since July.
i think I mentioned that dad passed away, so I've been trying and failing to deal with all that. My ds is moving into his house so we've been renovating that. It's a lot more work than I anticipated. we've taken it back to a shell and are about to start plastering and having new windows.

Mum has had 5 falls in 7 weeks, and looks like she has dementia. She still thinks her mum is alive who died 20 years ago and tells me solidly for 20 minutes about people visiting her who have been dead over 15 years. I've been trying to deal with the reablement team, social workers and doctors, and it's all getting too much.

I'm working away the week after next for 5 days, and am dreading receiving calls about mum. I'm struggling with work. It's so full on. I think the last time I posted I was away every week for 7 weeks. Got through that. Now it's every other week until December. My own fault I set my own diary. But I do it when everything in life is great and I can manage everything. Then reality brings me crashing down.

Had my bloods today and my renal function is the same as last time (they wanted to check it for a second time as its gone down quite a bit over the past year). My urea is now high which wasn't before. I'm annoyed as it said on my doctors app that the result was to be expected which it shouldn't be as I've been off lithium for months now. I had to phone them to make an appointment. I want to see a nephrologist now as its concerning that it has just been getting worse. They haven't even checked for protein in my urine. Got to wait another 2 weeks for the appointment.
Mental health wise the bipolar is fine at the moment, everything in life is great accept work which is causing me a lot of anxiety.
This new doctor sounds just what you need! I hope you can get him on the NHS! Yeh it definitely sounds like you had full mania if you were hospitalised. Is there anyone you can talk to about the admission to get some more clarity? Although I understand how difficult it can be to talk about when you were ill.

So sorry to hear about your Dad. Its hard losing a parent, you're doing an incredible job of holding everything together but it sounds like you really need a break. This all sounds incredibly stressful for you! Are you able to stop the work trips or is it a core part of your job. Is there anyone else help with your mum, other family?

I may have missed this on previous posts but what job do you do? Sounds like you're also in the NHS?
So sorry you're having such a rough time with work. Its sounds to me as if they aren't following the correct process by not letting you come back. Are you part of a union? Do they no that you have bipolar?

@TopsyTurvyDays I'm glad the private Dr was helpful. It's hard to get clarity on definitions when you are at the severe end of hypomania Vs tipping into mania.

I always assumed my diagnosis was bipolar 2 as I'd only ever seen bipolar on notes and narrowly avoided an admission in my worst high episode. It was only when I moved and had paperwork for a new team I saw that episode being categorised as mania and not hypomania. I lost touch with reality, thought I could fly and was paranoid but just about had enough insight not to be sectionable when I declined the admission. I had seen my consultant earlier in the week and declined an admission, I was due to travel to sit some exams 3 days later. He prescribed some pen and saw me 2 days later where I would either be admitted or be allowed to travel. The meds just took the edge off and I could travel. My mood then slowly started to come down.

I'm really struggling, I feel myself stepping inside myself.
I was ill last week with a cold and being physically unwell nearly always causes rebound depression and as I was already in that place it's seems extra hard. Plus to days getting shorter and winter and sad.

I'd really like a cave

@Mousse1990Travelling is part of my job as I cover Wales so it's a fair distance from top to bottom! I have an elder brother but he's 4 hours away and is in the police so combination of days afternoons and nights, so he finds it hard to get down. I have 2 dc, one lives at home after graduating and the other is away at uni. I just feel like I'm slowly losing my grip on reality. I don't know if I should call my mental health team tomorrow and see if I can have an appointment with my psychiatrist or the home treatment team? Individually I could cope with it all, but it all happening at the same time is so bloody difficult. The one thing I am grateful for is work. They are fab I will admit. Anytime I've needed to take time off, when I'm on the up they tell me to take as much time as I need and my manager just checks in with me. So I know don't have to worry about that thankfully. I just feel like I need someone to sit down with me and walk me through every step I need to make. Because right now I'm just spinning in circles.

@mindyourhead78 , yes, do make the phone call. Ask for the crisis team if any other appt is going to take too long. Better to catch this episode now, before it slides any further and you can't advocate for yourself or lose insight.