Living with Bipolar

[TopsyTurvyDays]

Named changed and starting a thread just to reach for some understanding I think.

In my 50s, diagnosed a couple of years ago with bipolar when had episode of hympomania. Got back in touch with consultant yesterday as could feel mood lifting (I get more mania than depression). I don’t get euphoria- just angst and misery. Consultant is trying to help me find something more constant I can take to help get enough sleep, as sleeping tablets are addictive and stop working.

I’m just tired and worried and constantly monitoring. Worried I’ll be too much for my friends one day. Worried that I’ve passed on troublesome genes to my kids. Not too worried about my DH as he seems to take it in his stride… looking back I was disguising mild mania with being drunk when we met back in our uni days - so when I fell over the edge, it was all behaviour he’d seen before. We had a worrying couple of days while they ruled out brain tumours etc.

The only people who were mean to me (shouted and screamed) when I slid down the slope into needing an ambulance were my family - siblings and parents. That’s hurt.

I thought I’d imploded my life but actually it’s all gone back to being the same 99%.

I worry for the future. I had an adverse reaction to diazepam and I couldn’t get them to believe me because they thought my behaviour was all the mania. My DH believed me and he got them to believe him.

I worry I won’t be able to drive in the future as we live rurally. But living where we live is part of the reason I held on so long as it’s so peaceful and I love it. Doesn’t work if can’t drive though (lockdown was a taster of what being stuck in house 24/7 was like and it was unbearable for me).

@TopsyTurvyDays I'm glad you were able to sleep - it makes such a difference.

I'm still struggling today - I've just left work early because I needed to meet my imaginary social worker. I spoke to my manager today (he's brilliant) and he tried to reassure me that there's no reason for social services to be involved and reminded me that he's been in my house a couple of times and he's never thought it needed reporting. I just wish I could believe it. I'm just waiting for them to knock and then I know everything will change and my DC will go to live with their granny.

I have the psychiatrist on Friday but not convinced anything will change.

Sending you the biggest hugs. They do sound really difficult intrusive thoughts. When my manic episode was reaching critical point of hospitalisation, I really thought I was dying and all I could think about was my kids and how to keep them safe as possible. Sounds like you’re doing something similar to me with these really challenging difficult intrusive thoughts you’re having.

I really, really hope Friday’s appointment brings some help for you.

@TopsyTurvyDays yes there can be a few issues. I'm on 650mg and had to switch to 2 x 300mg as they struggled to get the 600mg tablets. They sometimes have issues with 50mg too. My pharmacist is pretty good and sorting it out though. I have to drive to the next town to see him as the pharmacist where I am kept letting me and my daughter run out of meds.

You can take higher doses in the evening with the modified release compared to the standard as you need to take that as a split dose half in the morning and half in the evening.

I am glad you got a good night's sleep, I hope you get another couple of good nights sleep this week.

I'm sorry you are struggling @KurtCobainLover is there anyone you can talk today? Do you have any prn to soothe some of these thoughts down.

I'm struggling too today. I've not slept well for over a week as my youngest has had back to back viral illnesses. My moods pretty awful, I had my venlafaxine increased last week but it feels like working a losing battle right now.

My key worker called me this morning and told me to go for another walk but I was at work and wanted to stay around people.

I think I’ll feel safe when both the DC are home from school / college and it’s past 5pm when I know they don’t like doing home visits

I have a psychiatrist appointment on Friday which I’m hoping will help - I feel like I’m losing my mind. Normally my key worker would be there but she’s on leave so it will be someone else who doesn’t know me so I know it will be rehashing old ground which I hate.

@Superscientist I hope your DC gets better soon.

@KurtCobainLover just to say you aren't the only one who gets weird thoughts. One of mine is that I'll be arrested for not paying my taxes correctly, and in general dreading letters on the postbox in case I'm in trouble for something. It's not at all rational but the minute I'm not well, that tends to.be the thought that comes back.

I’ve had a dodgy few days as well - my work have decided to let me back starting Monday. I don’t have to see patients for the first 2 weeks so I’m doing admin and it’s just a few hours a day 3 days a week. My local pharmacy offered me a job and I said I’d take it as it was going to be relatively stress free but it would mean going from nearly £17.00 an hour to £13.00 and as I’m on my own it was leaving me about £400 ish to live off after my bills are paid, was drop of over £600 a month (as he couldn’t offer full time either). So I’ve decided not to take it as I’d be swapping the stress of nursing for the stress of being really skint. I hope Ive made the right decision 🤦‍♀️I’ve been off for 4 months so my confidence is at zero and it’s meant my sleep has been disrupted last few nights and as we all know, when sleep gets dodgy the mood tanks. I prob will take a diazepam in the middle of the night if I’m restless again just to try get some decent kip. Been putting it off but this will be fourth crappy night and my mood is shite. X

You’ve had so much going on. Well done for keeping putting one foot in front of the other. I hope the return to work goes well. See how it goes and you can always see if other pharmacies having full time roles if that’s a route you want to explore.

I agree getting sleep tonight is really important. Could you consider taking one at bedtime rather than waiting to see if you wake up - to maximise your chances of a better night.

Yeah I could take it at bedtime I suppose but the trazodone and quetiapine do a good job of knocking me out initially. I see what you mean - it should last a fair few hours hopefully x

in my last past I mentioned that I had a psych appointment tomorrow but phoned to ask if it could be a telephone consultation as I had 16 on a training session, psychiatrists secretary said she'd get back to me this week but hasn't, so I don't know what's happening.

mums in hospital still, and I still haven't visited. I've literally just been in work and home. Work is so full on at the minute. Between work, my bipolar, my moods, renovations, mum, trying to sort out legal stuff for dad. I feel like I mm spinning so many plates and I'm just waiting for them to crash.

talking of dreams, I'm only only risperidone, promethazine and propanolol (won't give me antidepressants as they make me manic and lithium was taken off me when I had trouble breathing urn my thyroid). But last night I dreamt that something had got through my bed room door and was lying behind me in bed. I was terrified of rolling over onto my back incase a demon was there. Scared the beeejeezes out of me!!

Hi how's everyone doing this weekend?

Still pretty shit. I was at church leaders away day today and left DD17 at home and last nights dishes all over the kitchen so I was worried all day that a social worker would come whilst I was out and see that DD was left home alone in an unsafe environment.

On the plus side I actually made it to the away day and whilst they are never fun I did enjoy being there. Everyone there knows about my bipolar and autism and knows me well enough to know when I want to be left alone.

@KurtCobainLoverWell done for going! It couldn't have been easy on you.

How did your psychiatrist appointment go after?

I’m going back to work tomorrow so that’s kind of a bit of a big deal as I’ve been off so long. It’s only for a few hours and they are giving me admin work and a chance to catch up on various changes that have happened since I’ve been off so I don’t feel too daunted, just hope it goes ok x

Sorry it’s been such a long time since I last posted…quick update is that I’m waiting on an appointment with the Psychiatrist at the end of this month. Got there eventually having first rang in July!

Am hopeful he can change my meds up and I don’t feel so flat all the time.

On a sad note, my Counsellor died - we had been seeing each other on and off for 20 years and she was the most wonderful woman I’ve ever met. I’m lost without her but I have been asking myself “what would she say/do” which is comforting.

Anyway, am off to catch up on this thread. Hope everyone’s had a bearable weekend xx

I went to see mum in hospital and she didn't know who I was.

Oh that's tough @mindyourhead78

Sorry, I missed why she was in hospital, how does this compare to before she was in hospital?

We found with my gran that her dementia got worse with physical health. She had a long admission following a hip replacement and sepsis and it was noticeable decline by the time she got home again..

She's been found on the floor twice at home, both times she ended up in hospital. She was completely with it, had the first fall then deteriorated rapidly over a matter of weeks. Not a UTI, not delirium so they're thinking dementia now unfortunately.

Could either of the falls been mini strokes (TIAs)?

My gran went into hospital slightly dotty and it was clearly dementia when she left. I think she was probably doing a lot of masking and coping through familiarity of routine when at home. The illness, strange place and not doing much set her back quite quickly. She did improve some what once home and more engaged with life.

it's so hard, do you have much support?

A brain scan revealed a TiA but it was old, so they've put her on meds to try and prevent another. This was a lady that was doing the Times crossword, devouring 8 books a week and independent up until a little while ago. It's so sad to see.
The hospital phoned earlier, they are moving her to a different hospital. They were really abrupt on the phone. I said I was concerned as she didn't recognise me yesterday and they replied 'she's fine, we're transferring her, bye' and hung up the phone 🤨

How did your first day back go @MarmadukeM? I was thinking about you today when I was in work. I know how hard I find it if I've taken a week or two off. It's not easy, especially when there has been changes.

Previous TIAs put you at risk of vascular dementia, it does put you at risk of further TIAs. They can be easily missed as well as symptoms resolve within an hour. It could explain her confusion here too. My dad had a TIA and it took weeks for him to get back to himself.

It could be also linked to her being unwell even though it's not clearly linked.

My sister had sepsis as a teenager and it took quite a while for her to get back cognitively. She stopped talking to me as she didn't remember visiting her in hospital or seeing her once she came home when I did.

I really hope that it's something temporary and not something more. It is so hard to see the people we love being less themselves. I'm sorry that they were abrupt on the phone, are you able to get in touch with the new ward and flag the potential problem and ask for a memory assessment?

The perinatal mh team I'm under runs coffee and cake mornings once a month and I went to one today. It was nice talking to other mums in similar circumstances but came away feeling quite raw. The moment I sat in the car I got really intense suicidal thoughts. They passed and I am and was safe but it's unnerved me a bit. I've got a video appointment with my cpn tomorrow so I'll speak to her but yeah I'm feeling a bit wobbly today.

It went well thanks, I didn’t do much to be fair lol. Mostly trying sort out IT issues as I lost my ID card and was locked out of everything etc etc 😂had the weekly meeting that went on for ages so was good so see everyone. Fingers crossed it’s going to work out this time round 🤞

That's good to hear ☺️ the first day is always the hardest!