Waiting for the crisis team - support needed.

[Fluffydressinggown]

I have posted on the sertraline thread but wanted to post elsewhere.

I have been feeling increasingly unwell over the past few weeks and my self harm has increased. In the past week I have started to see signs from God that I should kill myself. I know that these are irrational thoughts but I am finding it hard not to believe them.

I saw my psychologist today and I was very upset because I feel so confused. I know what the signs are telling me but I am so scared. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

After I saw him I sat in my car for an hour outside the CMHT office, I couldn't move or do anything I just felt so stuck. The songs on the radio were giving me signs and I know that I have to hurt myself properly but I am so scared.

I went back inside and spoke to him again. He rang the crisis team and said that he had told them that while I am normally very high risk at the most they felt I was at a significant risk of harm that could only be managed in hospital.

They are coming out at 8pm to assess me for an admission.

I am so scared. I have been IP twice in the past six months. I feel like such a failure. I know I am seeing connections that aren't there, and my psychologist said that I am delusional but I can't shake it.

I am scared of an admission, scared of being at home and killing myself tonight. Scared. :(

I am not a bad person but all of these signs are showing me that I am.

Hi Fluffy, I'm away in a different country and still thinking of you all the time. I'll be checking in on you all the time, please keep posting!

Sorry for short messages at the moment, I am very very low. Feel like this is just endless and I am without hope for the future. So hard.

I know everyone is fed up with cutting me down, I am running out of clothes.

I feel shocking, really sick, my eyes hurt, my face is a mess, my neck is a mess. I just cannot imagine feeling any worse.

Howeever I will try to be positive. Nice staff on tonight. I have got a card for DH for Valentine's Day from Funky Pigeon and we are having a chinese here.

Many hugs for you lovely. xxx

I hope you and your DH have a lovely Chinese tomorrow.

Fluffy another rocking around your shoulders hug from me also.
So sorry to hear you are feeling so despairing . It must seem endless and awful.
Hold on dear lady please . Light after dark .dawn after night .

Your husband will be so pleased with your card . The love you both have is very evident from your mails . Stay safe tonight and sleep well . x

dear fluffy, sorry you are so unwell and suffering. i hope the staff are patient and caring with you today. i send my kindest thoughts to you.

Sending you big hugs, fluffy. I'm sorry things are so bad for you at the moment :(

I'm sorry too that things are so bad for you at the moment. Hope you feel better soon Fluffy xx

I hope you start to turn a corner soon fluffy

Hi fluffy,

I'm a lurker and have read your thread from the beginning as it reminds me a lot of what my mum went through when she was very ill. She believed people (god / Russian spies ) were sending her messages through the tv and adverts in newspapers.

She would see a advert with a woman dancing and think someone had been spying on her dancing and that's why they put it in the newspaper.

Things like that.

She was convinced the nurses were conspiring against her and I remember going to visit her at hospital as a child and having to "hide" from the nurses in the gardens of the hospital.

I am telling you all this because she got better. Yes it took a while and she had some very very dark times but gradually and with the help of a good psychologist she got so well she eventually (and I do mean eventually, not suddenly) was able to stop taking anti psychotic medications and has been medication free apart from antI depressants for the last 25 years. (She was ill for about 5 years).

I know it must be hard for you when you feel the nurses do not believe you with the signs from god but you are seeing these signs because you are not well. Put your faith in your dh and the nurses. Let them be your logic when everything is clouded. What is the worst that could happen? Because it seems to me you couldn't feel any worse. So trust others for you.

I won't be offended if you delete my post or find what I've said unhelpful.

I've suffered from social anxiety and severe pnd so I do understand to some extent how difficult it is competing with the inner voice. But you have to try and let the good things sing louder - your lovely dh, your colouring is amazing I'm sure you can do something when you get out, maybe even design knitwear or whatever you like... you are an intelligent, caring woman.

No one wants you to leave this place when you have so much to offer.

I hope you are okay tonight, look after yourself.

Had another crappy day, they found me twice this morning and ended up in seclusion which is basically a locked room with a bed, like a prison cell. The nurse sits on the outside and watches you and you are not allowed anything. I had tissues, a pillow, a sheet and a duvet and my lipbalm. They said I was too risky to be on the ward because I tried 7 times in 24 hours. Saw the Dr who took me out of seclusion after three hours. Said if I do anything else I will go straight back in.

I was so so upset. Just sobbed.

I am on constants for tonight then 15 minute Obs from tomorrow, but if they find me again I will go to seclusion again and maybe PICU.

Oh Fluffy, I am so sorry that you are struggling so much. I hope that you manage to get some rest tonight. Stay safe.

Oh lovely fluffy no-one wants you to die, no-one wants you to kill yourself, whatever the messages from God, and it must be just as awful for them as for you, having to cut you down please double-check the signs by seeing whether they are still the same when the meds have made you better, don't act on them for the time being.

Hello Fluffy

I agree with what Silvery has said. No-one wants you to die - everyone on this thread is willing you to live.

Please try and trust that the meds will work and things will get better. Please don't act on the impulses to kill yourself, your neck will begin to heal and you might start to feel better.

Big hugs to you lovely. We want you to live xxx

Hi Fluffy, I never post, always lurk. I have been following your thread and I just wanted to offer you any support, good vibes and virtual hugs that I can. Hang in there. You sound like such a lovely person, who is going through an unbearably rotten time. Let the meds do their thing, and hopefully soon, these overwhelming feelings will pass.

Hi fluffy I'm sorry things are so awful for you at the moment :( Big hugs, you can keep going.

Hi Fluffy, I've been reading this thread over the last few days and I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and I hope you are ok. If you can manage it perhaps a little post so we know you are doing alright?
Things will get better for you. Sending you lots of hugs.

Hey there - this is the worst bit, things will get better. You just keep on keeping on, we are all rooting for you.

I am so sorry you are feeling grim - improvements are round the corner, even tho you don't believe it.

Lots of hugs and all the very best for a quiet evening.

Quick post, my DH visited today and I saw my solicitor and my CPN. I am back on constants because I felt so unsafe. They have referred me to PICU today, hmm.

DH brought me a Chinese and some beautiful flowers last night.

Thanks for your kind thoughts :)

dear fluffy please trust that they are doing their best for you.

What was in the Chinese (am overly interested in food )? have a hug from me and give a hug to your lovely DH from me as well.

Hi fluffy I hope that people are helping today, take care.

Hi Fluffy, another lurker here. Do you have children or pets you can tell us about? We are getting a puppy soon. Never had a dog before. I suffer from depression and social anxiety which isnt touched by my meds and can be a real pain but I have read that getting a pet that needs me can really help with my feelings.

Hi.

I am waiting for my DH and his brother and his wife. I get on really well with my sil. We are having lunch here and a chat.

Still on con$tants.

I had sweet and sour pork with fried rice and prawn toast. I think dh has bought me a ham and cheese sandwich. My sil said she is bringing lots of chocolate!

I don't have children, which is a blessing I guess. I hope nobody minds me posting here without being a mum. I have been married for 4 years and we werethinking of ttc then I got poorly and it all went messy.

Ok dh us here will.post later x

Sweet and sour pork - my fave :) (the 'proper' deep fried sort, not the truly authentic stir fried thing) And also love cheese and ham, especially as a toastie.