Literally no one understands my reluctance to do personal care

[bringincrazyback]

I just want to put that there for now, really, because this board has been just about the only place where people haven't made me feel like a strange/cruel person for saying that emergencies aside I want my DM's carers to handle her personal care (she lives with me) and I can only really get involved if it's needed at times outside of carer visits. Just been through it yet again with one of the carers this afternoon, and yet again I've been met with looks of incomprehension. It makes me feel so annoyed (especially as this never happens to men) but also ashamed that this is how petty and grudging I seem to be over some things. But feeling ashamed doesn't change the way I feel, unfortunately.

Is it reasonable for me to have this boundary (taking into account that I'd never leave my mum without personal care if she needed it), or do I just need to get over myself as a lot of people seem to think?

Sorry, just a quick vent for now as I need to see to DM now the carer's gone, but just needed to put this somewhere, just as a request for some empathy I guess, as I know some on here do understand it. (The only person who understands is DH, but of course if this ever happens to him with his mum he'll never be expected to do it anyway, being a man!) I'll add context later. Thanks for reading.

My dad always said he didn't want me wiping his bum. He always looked down on people who wiped other adults bums so I'm not sure how much it was a personal thing on an intellectual snob issue.
I did, but only when he has severe dementia and was in a&e and I was his 1:1. It was easier than I expected but I have also done this professionally so I can make that separation.
He would have been uncomfortable had he known who I was... But I was uncomfortable leaving him without care.

I do understand why it is a hard boundary for some people. But as a nurse myself, I wouldn't want anyone else doing that for my mother, husband, children or even my MIL to be honest. I wouldn't want to do it ALL the time, but I geuinely would do it if needed. More than anything I have seen how some carers treat people and I would not want that for someone I love. I also think it is to do with generation and relationship too. My mother will get changed in front of me even now etc

If carers are available to do your Mum's personal care, there's no reason why you need to. I help my Dad with showering when I'm visiting; when I'm not there, he has a carer helping him. Luckily, he can still manage his other needs. It doesn't bother either of us, but every family is different. I think my DH would feel v. awkward helping his parents with personal care.

Stick to your guns @bringincrazyback, you've arranged carers and your Mum's needs are being met.

So a bit of context to answer some of the questions pps have asked. We're self-funding (for now, anyway, not sure how long for though as we are upping the care hours) We have a self-employed carer some of the time, she's by far and away the best one we have, my mum likes her and we're currently looking at increasing her hours, as the rest of the time we have carers from a care company and as well as being bloody expensive it's been very problematic logistically for a ton of reasons I wouldn't want to bore anyone with. The carers themselves are mostly fine, they seem like pleasant people etc, they do what they're briefed to do (mostly) and I have a lot of respect for them. I couldn't do their job and I'm grateful there are people out there who will do it.

But I always seem to find that when a new carer comes in (i.e. a lot, the company seems to be having major staff retention issues atm), they will often seem puzzled as to why we have carers when I'm 'right there in the house' (as it was put to me once). I work, but from home, and we all know how that gets trivialised. I have various health issues (RA and chronic fatigue being the main offenders but not the only ones) which won't be apparent to the carers, but which mean I can't do everything. Even if I didn't feel the way I do about personal care, I'd be physically unable to give it on a daily basis.

Apparently, in addition to the puzzled looks, one or two of the carers have been asking my mum things like where am I (my mum has her own part of the house, and my husband and I live and work in a different part) and why aren't I looking after her/don't I ever look after her. (To be clear, I do everything that's needed between carer visits.) Unfortunately due to my mum's Alzheimer's she can't often remember people's names or exactly when things occurred, so I can't realistically challenge the carers on anything that might have been said, but my mum is still lucid a lot of the time and I believe her. I've also noticed tasks they are supposed to do being left undone by certain carers, and rightly or wrongly I'm getting a vibe of 'she can do it herself, the lazy mare, she's right here in the house.' As I mentioned upthread, I simply cannot imagine these assumptions/expectations being placed on a man.

My mum has always been desperate not to go into a home, and I'm doing my best to see to it she doesn't have to. I've also spent the past ten years caring for one or both parents at different times, I've been in varying degrees of burnout so long I can't even remember when it started any more (I do have some support in place as well as the increased care hours), and day-in-day-out personal care is simply not something I can do on any level. I'm really grateful to those on this thread who have empathised, and tbh I'm pleasantly surprised how many people there are out there who feel the same way about this! I do feel there's a bit of a taboo around not wanting to do certain things for an elderly parent, they brought you into the world, etc etc. What doesn't help is that some people in my life tend to romanticise the fact that I'm caring for my mum at home, which makes me feel like a fraud - I don't personally feel I should get a halo or a Blue Peter badge for it, I'm just doing what's necessary and a lot of the time I'm not very good at it tbh. But I'm doing my best. Thanks again to those who've posted supportively and with understanding.

@bringincrazyback I'm a bit confused by what's happening? Is it that carers are expecting you to do personal care while they are there, or is it that they are expecting you to do it in between their visits?

They shouldn't be making snide comments. If they have concerns that your DM isn't getting enough help with personal care between visits, they should be raising that her care needs seem to have increased and asking if you need more support.

Nobody has to do personal care. I was a nurse so it's not generally a big deal to me, but it is more difficult to provide intimate care to a loved one than someone you don't know.

I’m absolutely not being a carer for my mum in any capacity . She’s been a shit mother and will have to sort herself out

Carers do it everyday so for them it's normal. I'd just respond to them well you couldn't do end of year accounts (or whatever your job is) and I can't do your job.

Perfectly understand OP. In an emergency yes as you wouldn't want somebody to be uncomfortable in case of an accident, but not every time.

Ugh, this sounds very similar to what I've experienced from certain carers. I think when we have new carers come sometimes they assume they are there to help me get my mum up/put her to bed, so I stay out of the way as much as possible - she doesn't need two people to do it anyway. I bet those carers wouldn't have acted like that if you and your daughter had been men.

they will often seem puzzled as to why we have carers when I'm 'right there in the house' (as it was put to me once).

@bringincrazyback Quite frankly, that's absolutely none of their business, you're paying for their services, and they just need to provide them.

Exactly how I felt.

It's mostly confusion as to why they're needed, I think. But there's been a couple of occasions when my mum (who's usually continent, but has IBS) has had an 'accident' and it's been assumed my mum and I would prefer me to clean her up than the carers, or my mum's refused a morning wash and I've been told never mind, I can easily coax her into the shower later on can't I... that kind of thing really.

Can I ask why to help me better understand your perspective? Isn’t it something you’d feel obliged to go out of love? Or how do you square abandoning your mother with that?

i ask as personal care is something I haven’t had to do with my parents (they both died young and thus when I was young) so not been in that situation but my thoughts are it’s something I’d loath to do but would do if needed out of love. They raised me after all

My sil ended up doing personal care for her Dad, which she really, really didn’t want to do it. And I couldn’t understand why my mil blithely just let it go on.

She’d sit and smirk while her daughter took her Dad to the bathroom.
I was baffled.

I'm glad, I tend to feel no one will understand too! Sounds like there are more of us out there who would struggle with this, than perhaps is generally realised.

It sounds like you’re doing a wonderful job and your mother and father are lucky to have you as a daughter.

Your parents looking after you when you were a baby, is the law.
Providing personal care to your parents is another matter entirely.

Aww, thank you! My dad sadly passed a good few years ago, but had a long illness and I did what I could for him too.

Unless you have been faced with actual situation it is impossible to understand how you might feel. I was faced with this with my father (not mother as she did want held from us), if we were there some of the carers assumed we would do personal care. It’s very strange because we weren’t there they would have had to have done it - or you would have hoped they would. Once we went to private care it was clearer as we were paying for this

Op you are Exactly right. You have every reason to feel the way you do. I think in coming years when these posters are tasked with this issue then by all means give advice. I will go to a nursing home before I ever have my child do personal care.

They're struggling tbh, their CQC rating has gone down and they seem to have a recruitment crisis going on so I don't know how discerning they are managing to be about who they recruit. There's v little continuity of care. I'm hoping I can find another self-employed carer or two to fit around our existing one, so we can eventually phase this company out, failing that there are other companies locally that have better ratings and reviews.

I’ve already told my mum I won’t be able to do that when it’s needed - I can’t even cut her toe nails

Ignore the law. It generally sets out the bare minimum expected of people. I mean, there’s no law requiring parents to provide a happy childhood but we’d all surely consider that what we’re should be aiming for, by example

I'm with you OP.

The aim is to ensure the elderly person has the personal care, and this be provided by carers.

Are the care agency carers predominantly from other cultures? I’ve found dealing with carers that certain cultures are confused as to why we don’t look after our elderly, even though they are employed in the industry… one person I know is leaving the uk in 2 weeks to return to South Africa to care for her mum. The idea that you are in the house but would rather have an outsider do the care rather than doing it yourself confuses some people though I completely understand! My dsd (adult with high needs sen) lives in full time carer so her parents can be parents and not carers!