Literally no one understands my reluctance to do personal care

[bringincrazyback]

I just want to put that there for now, really, because this board has been just about the only place where people haven't made me feel like a strange/cruel person for saying that emergencies aside I want my DM's carers to handle her personal care (she lives with me) and I can only really get involved if it's needed at times outside of carer visits. Just been through it yet again with one of the carers this afternoon, and yet again I've been met with looks of incomprehension. It makes me feel so annoyed (especially as this never happens to men) but also ashamed that this is how petty and grudging I seem to be over some things. But feeling ashamed doesn't change the way I feel, unfortunately.

Is it reasonable for me to have this boundary (taking into account that I'd never leave my mum without personal care if she needed it), or do I just need to get over myself as a lot of people seem to think?

Sorry, just a quick vent for now as I need to see to DM now the carer's gone, but just needed to put this somewhere, just as a request for some empathy I guess, as I know some on here do understand it. (The only person who understands is DH, but of course if this ever happens to him with his mum he'll never be expected to do it anyway, being a man!) I'll add context later. Thanks for reading.

@bringincrazyback I couldn't clean anyone's bottom tbh so yanbu. Have worked with young children and while it's never pleasant to change diapers it's not awful either whereas I just couldn't do it for an adult without vomiting. And I fully intend to end my life should I ever be in the situation that I would need that kind of help.

Ah yes, you’re right, I misunderstood. Thought it was a strange thing to say! Thanks for setting me straight. 🙂

Absolutely no way would I do personal care for my mum. Makes me feel nauseous just thinking of it. Quite apart from not liking her, I am also squeamish and very very aware of how I would feel if it were me.

OP i am totally on your side and everyone else's who feel the same.
I can't describe the horror i feel at the thought of doing personal care for my mother, it makes my skin crawl.
I absolutely dread being the only person there should she need any personal care.
I could (i think ) and would help my adult children, possibly my husband and a couple of close friends but that's it.
I have always been squeamish with this kind of thing, no way would i want to make my children feel like this either, i do not want them ever helping me.
Any one putting pressure on you OP tell them to bugger off.

Absolutely not unreasonable, my mum knows we’re putting her in the nursing home down the road if she ever reaches that stage!

I wouldn’t want to do it at all. Isn’t that what the carers are meant to do.

You could say no though?

I'm fortunate that DM is in a care home. I totally get what you are saying.

My DM has vascular dementia and is doubly incontinent. When her pad needs changing I make myself scarce.

IMO maintaining this distance is important for her and me. My DM was very private about these matters. Before dementia claimed her she would have been mortified by her current situation.

I’ve been a nurse for 19 years and assisting people with personal care is part and parcel of my day to day work.
I couldn’t imagine assisting my parents with personal care! For their own privacy and dignity. I would never expect a family member to do this!
Ive assisted my grandmother to the loo at the end of her life and assisted with a shower to wash her back and feet. But private areas were her ‘job’.
I remember a nurse being surprised I wouldn’t assist my grandad with using a urine bottle. I took her aside and explained that until the day prior he was able to go to the toilet himself and he would be mortified if I had seen his genitals and that’s not the kind of a relationship I have as a grandchild! She swiftly went in to assist!

100% with you, no way could I do it for my parents.
I can and would do it for mu husband.

I would assist my husband, but that it’s it!

How about just not doing it?

I hear you OP, I loved the bones of my husband but I did as little personal care for him as I could. Yes, in an emergency I did but I also knew it was something he hated me having to do for him, he was much more comfortable with the carers doing it. It has nothing to do with being too much of a 'snob' to do personal care, I have done it for lots of adults when I worked in care but I didn't have the same relationship or level of intimacy with those adults as I had with him.

The carer is a judging you?

I really feel for you. I thought you were going to say something else. When my mum was very ill, I had three people in my life who did a lot of personal care for parents - 2 of them men by the way, who were doing it on the way to work on the way back from work and then ultimately had their parents live with them.

They all just did not get it. And they really family friends so the fact that their mum’s friends made it harder. One of them had his mum she was 103!

Some of us just aren’t cut out for it. I don’t think that should make either of us feel like a bad person.

Now I’m wondering what agenda the carer has. The agency do seem to be overwhelmed with work, which can sometimes be an issue for us because mum’s health is up and down. When it’s up, you can see them wondering why they’re there.

are these carers provided by the state by any chance? Because I can imagine they’re desperate to get someone off their list.

mum has a cleaner now who absolutely judges me. She doesn’t understand why I don’t live there. I just have to ignore it. She thinks as I’m single and childfree, I should live there. She finds it ridiculous that mum lives in a house and I live in a tiny flat.

Funnily enough, I bumped into her this week and she kept asking me how I like living where I live. It’s very nice. It’s a new development, people are lovely and it is so much better for me to be living here than with someone in their late 80s. I mean, even my mum knows that!

Of course you aren’t being unreasonable. And massive respect to you for being so hands on generally with care for your loved ones. It’s a huge personal sacrifice on your part and one that many people in this modern world struggle with the concept of or can possibly understand.

I did some of my late husband personal care when he was in his last months (but he had a stoma, which made things much easier, as changing a bag doesn't involve the more awkward and undignified element of toileting) and bless them, my DDs, in their very early twenties, did likewise.

But no way could I have done any element of my mum's personal care. Fortunately she went straight into a care home after her disabling stroke. Had she needed care at home, neither my brother nor I could have done it.

Definitely not unreasonable. I'm a TA and do toileting with a couple of my students in wheelchairs but I wouldn't feel comfortable doing personal care for my parents.

I’m with you 100% Op. I do my DMS shopping , washing, life admin and taxi service. I am not doing personal care. As I don’t want to and I’d be terrible at it anyway

It's snobbery. You think you're above wiping someone's bum. Plain and simple.

WTAF @Awkwardisfunny ?

I've needed to wipe the bums/change the nappies of disabled children up to 13 years old throughout my career. And as above, I dealt with my late husband's toileting.

I would never have been able to wipe my mum's.

I sympathise. I cannot imagine for one moment doing personal care for my mum.. And she has explicitly told me she would absolutely hate me to. She's not at that point yet and I get in some situations needs must. But you are not wrong to feel how you do. And yes no man would be expected to do it.. How does your mother feel about it all?

Are you certain it is a look of incomprehension from the carer? Since they are involved with personal care day in day out, they probably don't fully appreciate the problem (although of course they should be trained to be sensitive about it).

Just try not to take it personally from the carer towards you. Re-assert your boundaries in a brisk and pleasant manner. 99.5% of the population would and do understand your pov.

Oh and for what it's worth my munhsd her own mother live with her for her final years and she felt exactly the same. The carers did most but inevitably there was the odd time my mum stepped in, in an emergency. Both of them hated it!

Yup likewise, but I am 'only' 64.

I would absolutely not want to do regular personal care for a family member (same as you, emergencies only) and I am an HCP.

I also strongly believe that family shold avoid providing care wherever possible.

You're all good darling and I'm sure you provide for your mum in other ways.

Nobody should be made to do person care if they don't want to do it

I say that as someone that has done it myself out of choice

Sure most people would in a one of emergency situation just crack on with it but outside of that it needs to be your own choice