Literally no one understands my reluctance to do personal care

[bringincrazyback]

I just want to put that there for now, really, because this board has been just about the only place where people haven't made me feel like a strange/cruel person for saying that emergencies aside I want my DM's carers to handle her personal care (she lives with me) and I can only really get involved if it's needed at times outside of carer visits. Just been through it yet again with one of the carers this afternoon, and yet again I've been met with looks of incomprehension. It makes me feel so annoyed (especially as this never happens to men) but also ashamed that this is how petty and grudging I seem to be over some things. But feeling ashamed doesn't change the way I feel, unfortunately.

Is it reasonable for me to have this boundary (taking into account that I'd never leave my mum without personal care if she needed it), or do I just need to get over myself as a lot of people seem to think?

Sorry, just a quick vent for now as I need to see to DM now the carer's gone, but just needed to put this somewhere, just as a request for some empathy I guess, as I know some on here do understand it. (The only person who understands is DH, but of course if this ever happens to him with his mum he'll never be expected to do it anyway, being a man!) I'll add context later. Thanks for reading.

@ArcangelaTarabotti we had a bit of a stand-off where I said I wasn’t happy bathing her so she just wasn’t getting washed or cleaned and then said well I’ll just have to use the shower then. The occupational therapist told her the shower wasn’t safe so she was blackmailing me and I just gave in.
When she is having a flareup of her IBS, she phones me up and says I’m shitting come and clean me up

So if I’m passing on any message to anyone please have stronger boundaries than me and don’t get involved in personal care because once you start, it’s just expected of you

Im a home carer.
I've never asked a relative to help.
Im quite shocked that some would

I’m sorry, but that is so manipulative of your Mum, especially as she has capacity, so knows what she is doing. You must find a way to get your boundaries back in place. Any way you can take a trip away so you aren’t there to be bullied into doing it? I feel really sorry for you. 💐💝

@IDreamtOfManderley This sounds incredibly hard. I really feel for you. You must be exhausted. 💐

I have made it very clear to my family that I don’t want anyone in the family to give me personal care …it’s called dignity!

YANBU OP.

I’ve been a doctor for 35 years so I’ve seen everything. I’ve been sprayed with wee, poo, blood, vomit, phlegm, and examined people who’ve not washed for weeks. I’ve even had to examine a patient who’d had a stroke and whose body had become covered with maggots. And I’ve taken all that in my stride.

But I would really really struggle to do personal care for my Mum if/when the time comes. I could do it for my partner I think, because seeing him naked is normal for me. But parents are different.

I was forced to do this for my parents. It nearly destroyed me. You have every right to feel this way.

I have made it very clear to my children that if I need care in the future, I don’t want them to get involved in it. I would hate to see them going through what I’m going through.

You can't override her but you can - and should - refuse to do the care instead. please don't ruin your life like this. Tell her you will not be doing it. If she has capacity then she can make and live with the decision. Ask someone to help you stand firm. Your life matters every bit as much as your mother's does.

My dad does it all for my mum. They are far from lacking dignity

So what would happen if you, say, "hurt your back" and couldn't do personal care or bathing of your mum. She wouldnt be able to refuse carers then would she?

Im sorry either your mum is very unfeeling and selfish (to expect you to do it and not see why you are uncomfortable with it) or the idea she has capacity is misplaced. I see this in my own partner, going to help his mum all the time, for example, monday gp appt, tue exercise class, wed cleaner coming has to be there, going to make her sunday lunch every week. He has to make up the time with his work at the other end of the day or at the weekend. She thinks she has capacity (she does for some decisions) but in this one, no, she doesnt because she is simply unable to see past her own needs, consider his time, his lost income, his inconvenience, the impact on us as a couple.

Your mum sounds very similar. Her desire for you to step in does not mean you have to do it.

Thanks so much everybody for such kind and supportive replies, and I'm sorry to hear what others are going through. 💐 I'm with DM atm but will reply properly when I get a moment. It really does help to hear it's not just me who feels this way.

This.
I hope I don’t do it to my children. Put me in a home and live your lives.

I used to think that but when it's your own or people you care about, it's different.

Your post is confusing. So, you do provide personal care when the carers are not in.. just not when they are. That's part of their job description so that's fine, but why are you saying that's your boundary, when you actually do it anyway when you have to?

Or do you secretly not ever do it and just don't want to be attacked on here for that.

I don't believe people when they say it's because it's a parent and it's too weird / a boundary - I'm not saying they're lying, they may well think that's the reason.. but no one bats an eyelid at changing a baby's nappy or even picking up dog poo. It's snobbery. You think you're above wiping someone's bum. Plain and simple. You're focusing on the wrong thing. Focus on your family member and being able to hold your head high knowing you helped them when they needed it. If they deserve it. I wouldn't do it for just anyone.

Yes I didn’t want to do and didn’t do any personal care for my dad and wouldn’t for my mum - it’s enough be her support person in other ways

I could not agree more. Over my dead body would I want my child to care for me. I tell mine find the best home my money can pay for without leaving you with nothing from my estate. Call and visit when you can but do not stop your life for me.

I wonder why the carers you employ think these kinds of conversations are appropriate? Are they agency carers? It doesn’t sound like very unprofessional.

I’ve never had a carer who questioned me on my choices for my parents. It’s none of their business.

Are you kidding me?? What is your actual problem??

Regarding your second paragraph, for example re personal care I've never yet had to wipe my mother's bottom but I have had to clean the toilet/wash her clothes after an accident. She is currently not too bad at dressing/undressing herself and washing, so although I help her where needed if the carers can't make it, having to see her naked (which I'd prefer not to, my prerogative) when the carers aren't here hasn't come up yet. But, obviously, these things are likely to come up in the future. What I was trying to convey was that I am here to do what's needed in the absence of the carers, and will do what is needed, but that not wanting to commit to being the default person to do my mother's personal care is my boundary. Surely my post explained it clearly enough?

And as for calling me a snob and accusing me of thinking I'm above doing personal care, who the hell do you think you are?? You seem to have found my post triggering for whatever reasons of your own, but I'll be damned if I'll let you make me feel bad about myself after that little tirade. Enjoy your evening.

My mum would absolutely hate me doing this, she'd much prefer a professional carer if it came to that.

And incidentally @Awkwardisfunny as for 'no one bats an eyelid at changing a baby's nappy or even picking up dog poo' - speak for yourself. Plenty of people find those things unpleasant.

She has no right to pressure you into doing this and at 92 this is only going to get worse and more demanding of you.
You need to sort this out ,put your foot down and spell it out , either she accepts help from professionals or sits stinking.
Don't let her do this to you , it is very unfair of her .

Totally with you OP

Wouldn't in a million years do this for a parent, and wouldn't in a million years have my kids doing this in the future

The carers do understand you but they are deliberately misunderstanding you because they are lazy cows or it means they might have to be replaced with carers who can deliver personal care. They will have an agenda and your best interests and those of your parents, will not be coming into it. Don’t let anyone shame you or emotionally blackmail you.

Not at all weird @bringincrazyback I wouldnt want to do it and fortunately didn't have to with my parents. As an Early Years teacher I have cleaned up many small children but doing it for your parents is quite different.

If it came to it I would rather have paid carers attend to my personal care than my daughter.