Literally no one understands my reluctance to do personal care

[bringincrazyback]

I just want to put that there for now, really, because this board has been just about the only place where people haven't made me feel like a strange/cruel person for saying that emergencies aside I want my DM's carers to handle her personal care (she lives with me) and I can only really get involved if it's needed at times outside of carer visits. Just been through it yet again with one of the carers this afternoon, and yet again I've been met with looks of incomprehension. It makes me feel so annoyed (especially as this never happens to men) but also ashamed that this is how petty and grudging I seem to be over some things. But feeling ashamed doesn't change the way I feel, unfortunately.

Is it reasonable for me to have this boundary (taking into account that I'd never leave my mum without personal care if she needed it), or do I just need to get over myself as a lot of people seem to think?

Sorry, just a quick vent for now as I need to see to DM now the carer's gone, but just needed to put this somewhere, just as a request for some empathy I guess, as I know some on here do understand it. (The only person who understands is DH, but of course if this ever happens to him with his mum he'll never be expected to do it anyway, being a man!) I'll add context later. Thanks for reading.

I totally get what you are saying, OP.

My parents had paid carers three or four times a day for the last few years of both of their lives and personal care was part of their job.. My sister and I did not get involved in it - only in the odd real emergency when the carers were not due for another few hours. We wouldn't have wanted to have been involved, it's just not the image either of us would want to have of our parents. Nor do either of us want our own children to be involved in our own personal care if that need ever arises.

My parents would have been utterly mortified at the idea of us regularly cleaning up their shit and wiping their arses. Just no. It's the type of thing they were paying for the carers to do, and so are you, OP. So your mother's carers have no business making snide comments about you and implying criticism like that.

I think you should complain to the care company managers about this. It's totally unprofessional of them and isn't their place to comment at all.

Not wanting to be involved in the personal care of a parent or other very close family member isn't snobbery. Not at all. Also, it doesn't compare even remotely to changing a baby's nappy. The dickhead who drew that comparison is clearly clueless and has never even tried to clean a grown adult after a toileting accident. Though of course, if they come back again they are now likely to try and tell us how they did it regularly and how it was absolutely no problem at all.

It’s only the end of the conversation if you let it be. I’ve made it very clear I’m not doing personal care for MIL if it comes to it. I did help my DGM get out of the bath once and we both laughed about it, but I’m not wiping my MIL’s bottom.