Literally no one understands my reluctance to do personal care

[bringincrazyback]

I just want to put that there for now, really, because this board has been just about the only place where people haven't made me feel like a strange/cruel person for saying that emergencies aside I want my DM's carers to handle her personal care (she lives with me) and I can only really get involved if it's needed at times outside of carer visits. Just been through it yet again with one of the carers this afternoon, and yet again I've been met with looks of incomprehension. It makes me feel so annoyed (especially as this never happens to men) but also ashamed that this is how petty and grudging I seem to be over some things. But feeling ashamed doesn't change the way I feel, unfortunately.

Is it reasonable for me to have this boundary (taking into account that I'd never leave my mum without personal care if she needed it), or do I just need to get over myself as a lot of people seem to think?

Sorry, just a quick vent for now as I need to see to DM now the carer's gone, but just needed to put this somewhere, just as a request for some empathy I guess, as I know some on here do understand it. (The only person who understands is DH, but of course if this ever happens to him with his mum he'll never be expected to do it anyway, being a man!) I'll add context later. Thanks for reading.

Not a cat in hells chance I would do personal care. You are not strange/cruel at all op. If someone is happy to do it, then great, but I’m not so wouldn’t do it, and you feel the same way. I doubt it’s unusual - don’t feel bad.

I completely understand. My sister and I are not able to do it for my mum (fully incontinent). Hats off to people who can, but we can't. There's no more to
say, except - solidarity

I feel absolutely 100% the same as you do. Couldn't even imagine doing personal care for my parents or for anyone really. Have a ton of empathy from me. And you're right that no one would be expecting this from a man

I don’t really understand. Do you mean the carers still expect you to do personal care when they are there? That’s totally ridiculous. My Mum lived with us for 4+ years and the reason we had carers in was to give me a break from all that! I know this isn’t AIBU, but YA definitely NBU!!

I worked in care for a number of years and of course did personal care. I would feel the same as you, I wouldn't do it for my own mum. Its different

I'm also with you 100% OP. Fortunately I'm not in this situation, but my DM is 90 and there could come a day. I really would not want to do this. I was terrified I'd have to do it for DH when he was dying but fortunately it never became necessary.

I can quite easily understand Op, and I am someone who knows that it won’t bother me to be involved in personal care should the need arise.

In the same way I know that I wasn’t bothered by giving birth naked in front of a group of observing medical students, whereas some women would have found that incredibly uncomfortable.

I think that some people in general find understanding other people hard, and therefore make presumptions based on how they would feel in a certain situation.

reluctance is completely understandable and you are right to have boundaries. I feel the same - will not be practically involved in personal care for my mum, and she does not want it either. Unfortutately she’s in a twilight era at the moment where she also doesn’t want the carers to do it either. So a bit of a quandary.

My DH had carers and while I did personal care for a long time, once professional carers were in place they did it. Theres was no expectation that I would be responsible while they were here.

Btw many of the carers were male.

I totally understand !

When carers were present with my DM I didn't want to take part in personal care - that's what they were there for but I found I was expected to take the lead. So I had to be very clear that the carer was fully responsible for initiating and delivering care - EVEN if I was in the house. Didn't happen with all carers (DM had 3 possible carers on a rota) but it certainly happened with 2. I don't know whether it's becasue they were inexperienced or nervous around relatives.

If nothing else - it's what they are paid to do ! If delivering personal care requires 2 people, then 2 carers need to be provided.
Having carers to deliver any type of care is to release family to do what they need to do.

I'd make it clear to the organisation (SS or agency) that you are quite happy for the carer to deliver care by themselves, EVEN if you are there, whilst you get on with other things.

What conversations are the carers having with you about this?

If the carers are there to deliver personal care, can’t you just say-‘I’ll leave this with you’ and walk away?

To me this seems normal. Why do the carers find it so unusual, I assume that’s what they’re paid for!

I would imagine that the careers aren't thinking about it in the same way as a close relative does. It's just an anonymous dirty bottom to them, which looks similar to the other 15 bottoms they've seen that day. It's impersonal personal care.

As a son, daughter, wife, sister it's the most personal personal care. It's ok to maintain the relationship of parent and adult child without having to muddy the waters into what has remained private for all of that relationship.

I agree with this.

I have helped out with my friends dad.

I can't do my parents.

You are not weird.

I'd hazard a guess not many of those criticising OP have their elderly parents living with them, and that even fewer do personal care.

I did some personal care for my mother. My father and my grandmother both hated the idea of me doing personal care for them, so I didn't.

If we were in a country where there were no professional carers, I guess everyone would have to get over their reservations.

But there are carers available, so she's getting all the personal care she needs, to stay healthy; what's more, you're being an unusually devoted daughter by having your mother live with you. Good on you, and how dare they judge you.

I refused to have DM live with me, let alone do personal care! She is in a care home which i visit regularly. I refused to ruin my life and the life of my DH and DC by being a carer! I didn't give a toss what anyone said, and there were a few disparaging comments! You already do more than enough by having her to live with you!

I'd hazard a guess not many of those criticising OP have their elderly parents living with them, and that even fewer do personal care.

I’m not sure which thread you’ve been reading, but literally not one person has criticised the op! Most are saying they would/could not do personal care at all, whereas the op makes it clear that she does do it when the carers are not there…

My late DM lived with my brother and had carers visiting to do personal care. We were all round one evening for her birthday and the carers arrived and asked me and my daughter if we wanted to do it. We were horrified and said no and received strange looks from them, After that if we were around when they arrived we immediately left the room even going in the garden sometimes.

I understand op.

I have ended up doing it for mum (she has dementia and lives with my dad) to give him a break, that was when she had a toilet accident. I did struggle with it and wish I hadn’t had to do it. I can’t really explain why I struggle. I would not do it regularly. I think my dad struggles hugely but unless he pays for carers 24/7, sometimes it’s necessary.

My mum refuses carers and because she has capacity I can’t override that so I am involved with personal care. She has incontinence unexpected to clear up her accident. It really upsets me. I also have to go round and bath her once a week which I find so difficult. I don’t want to see my 92 year-old Mother naked . it’s really killing me.

sorry, typo mistakes above,she has accidents both bladder and bowel and she phoned me up and I’m expected to clear everything up

I think this poster is referring to where the OP says this board is the only place where she hasn't been criticised for it - i.e. whoever is criticising her face to face or on other forums are the ones who won't have any personal experience of it.

I am 67 and because of personal care I feel like I have no quality of life and it is honestly going to be the death of me. I have no help. I have told mum politely how I feel, but she says well I just don’t want carers and that’s the end of the conversation. I could weep.

You absolutely can override that!
Just refuse.
OP I am heartened by your stance and that of others on here. I will not have my mother living with me and I will not do personal care.