Literally no one understands my reluctance to do personal care

[bringincrazyback]

I just want to put that there for now, really, because this board has been just about the only place where people haven't made me feel like a strange/cruel person for saying that emergencies aside I want my DM's carers to handle her personal care (she lives with me) and I can only really get involved if it's needed at times outside of carer visits. Just been through it yet again with one of the carers this afternoon, and yet again I've been met with looks of incomprehension. It makes me feel so annoyed (especially as this never happens to men) but also ashamed that this is how petty and grudging I seem to be over some things. But feeling ashamed doesn't change the way I feel, unfortunately.

Is it reasonable for me to have this boundary (taking into account that I'd never leave my mum without personal care if she needed it), or do I just need to get over myself as a lot of people seem to think?

Sorry, just a quick vent for now as I need to see to DM now the carer's gone, but just needed to put this somewhere, just as a request for some empathy I guess, as I know some on here do understand it. (The only person who understands is DH, but of course if this ever happens to him with his mum he'll never be expected to do it anyway, being a man!) I'll add context later. Thanks for reading.

I thought it was only me who felt like this. I cannot tell you how much better this makes me feel.Thank you for your post and for all who have shared their views.

I will not do personal care for my mother. Just no. 100% not. It’s non negotiable . You are not strange or mean ; just normal!

I won’t do it either though my sister and I feel like we’ve had to bleach our eyeballs (not literally) with the things we’ve seen with our parents when they’ve been in hospital etc. Never in a million years would they have expected we’d be like this and they don’t expect it under regular circumstances. I was in a&e with my mum recently and she had to remove her bra for a scan and the porter asked if I could help and just from the look on my face he fetched a nurse. It wasn’t a big deal and I’m sorry OP that you get that reaction. It’s just not something I'm prepared to do.

Mhmm.. is that.. sexism?? What on earth is that about?!

Sexism? In what part of my post do you see sexism?

Sorry, just a guess on my part - trying really hard to understand the logic of this. Ultimately, I don't have to understand. If you feel it's right for you and you have reasons, that's your business.

I think people are so weird about personal care.

What do you want the carers to say??

Same here.

My mother would absolutely loathe me or my sister doing that. She doesnt really like my father doing it to be honest. If it was a choice between me and a carer, she would choose the carer every day of the week.

And I would hate it purely because I would hate it! Doesnt mean I wouldnt do it.

I think of being a carer, especially personal care, is something you can either do or not. There should be no judgement from those who are happy to do it on those who are not.

I remember phoning one of my brothers in panicky tears after our dad came out of hospital one time- the medical staff had told me he'd need personal care and I just couldn't do it. Fortunately my brother was horrified to hear they'd asked it of me and was on his way to dad's place within an hour of the phone call.

My mother expected it of me, but I drew the line at personal care and limited myself to emptying her commode, helping her undress and so on. And that was bad enough-especially given the general air of expectation.

I would never, ever expect or want my children to do it for me.

I suspect that she doesnt want the carers to say anything, rather than implying judgement as they currently are.

OP - I totally get it!
Lots of others do too.
That's why you pay carers.
I also hated changing my kids nappies - some of just have other skills I guess! Xx

Erm... nothing? I just wish one or two of them would be a bit more open-minded and understand that not everyone in the world does things the way they would do. (This isn't paranoia, incidentally - there have been things actually said from time to time, as well as the funny looks.)

When you say you think people are weird for not wanting to do personal care, do you mean weird for not wanting to do it? It's difficult to tell from your post.

What a dickish comment!

Care staff need to ask if unsure when you’re around, and make sure it is in the notes that staff do personal care as scheduled, regardless of which family members are present at the time.

It’s honestly fine to have boundaries. We got on well but my mother would have hated me to have done her personal care.

I would literally leave them to get on with it, then crack of with work, dinner, TV or whatever you are meant to be doing. What are you paying then for otherwise?! Or is it classic sexism that as a female you need to be heavily involved?

@IDreamtOfManderley ‘ i just don’t want carers’. So you have to tell her ‘I just don’t want to do this’. End it. What kind of mother insists her daughter HAS to do this??

I think it’s normal to feel like that op.

I had a panic attack in the middle of a demonstration from a nurse brought in to show us how to change my elderly DM’s intimate dressings. Ugh. No way. I left it to my DB who is a bit more pragmatic and willing to (literally) get his hands dirty.

The carers you spoke to clearly haven’t had much experience with reluctant family members. Everyone I’ve spoken to in the elderly parents club has balked at intimate care, even if they rolled up their sleeves and did it, no one I spoke to did it cheerfully.

I absolutely do not want my sons ever to get involved with my personal care -or would if they were daughters!
So I won’t with my mother.
Pay professionals.
I would though absolutely do the personal care if needed for my partner.

Totally understand OP , we have had a similar situation. It’s difficult, my mother ‘s situation was very clear it she did not want us to do any personal care and preferred help from the carer for the short time until she passed away.

But she doesn’t get to tell you what you will do!

Thinking about it, I would contact the care company and make it crystal clear that carers should be carrying out your mum’s personal care on every visit, regardless of whether a family member is present.

They absolutely should not be questioning your boundaries or making you feel guilty. The fact that you’ve had this conversation repeatedly suggests the message isn’t being communicated to staff. A reminder from management might prevent you from having to justify yourself over and over again.

@bringincrazyback , I hear you. I understand you.
After my mum died (and that is an awful saga) my dad who had been operated on for a brain tumour and had lost his ability to walk and function independently came to live with me and my husband. Initially he was minimally independent but he didn’t want what little independence he had. He lent on me very heavily, he was broken both physically and especially emotionally. I feel in the three years he lived with us I lost my place as his daughter and became his carer. I regret that. I do not at all regret looking after him but I wish it could have been in such a way that it didn’t so radically change our dynamic.
I believe it is possible and ideal to care for someone without crossing that line which alters the fundamental principle of your relationship. That’s not possible however without sufficient input from professional carers (in our circumstances). I hope you find a way to remain a daughter. I wish you well x.

It didn't arise but my sister and I both decided we couldn't and wouldn't do personal care for our mother.
We were greeted with, "Oh but when the time comes you'll do it because she's your mum" etc.

We didn't love her and she'd been horrible to us so we didn't owe her anything.

I love my mother but I won’t do the personal care.
I will pay for professional carers to do that.
I would though willingly and lovingly do personal care for my partner if he needed it.

I think this is different. I couldn’t do it for my mum, and wouldn’t want her to do it for me if anything happened to me first.
But I would 100% do it for my husband and I’d let him do it for me.
That’s still dignity, as it’s a choice