Cockroach cafe - Spring to Summer 2026

[FiniteSagacity]

New thread for us all to gather and have tea, cake and something from the stronger shelf as needed.

Keeping the cockroach name in honour of those who have graduated the thread in spite of the suggested thread names!

Hi I’m a lurker, only posted once before but read a lot and it helps. My dad is back in hospital with aspiration pneumonia and just waiting to see if the antibiotics work - have before. Mums heroically caring for his puréed diet, catheter, dementia, anxiety, immobility. I’m feeling rubbish for being hours away and no support. He’s 90 tomorrow. Bless him, he worried he’d not get to 90, I fear we are in be careful what you wish for space.

Ah the joy of the late night phonecall. DF phoned half an hour ago requesting that we come to the hospital because he had soiled the bed. Not doing any worse, just said he wanted some TLC. I have been up since 6am, was working 7am-6pm and then spent two hours sitting with him after work. DH was there from 9.30am for 5 hours today too. I of course told him that we would not be coming up to the hospital to provide TLC at midnight.

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne I suspect that the lorazepam issue is becoming one of 'yesterday's problems'. DM now seems to be getting less distressed, mainly I think because she is less aware.

In case it is of any use to anyone DD’s partner (he works for the Ambulance service) told me about an app called iStumble which takes you through what to do if you find someone who has fallen, whether you should lift them or not and it will alert emergency services. Disclaimer- I haven’t tried it out.

@GnomeDePlume wishing you strength and hoping you are at least managing to eat, drink and sleep x

@Mumbles12 I’m sorry to hear about your uncle and glad people remember him fondly. It is really hard your DM is left behind 💐

Welcome @Houseplantqueen and I hope you were able to mark your Dad’s birthday in some way.

Thanks @FiniteSagacity mum took him a 90 balloon and lots of cards today. DB, DSis and I plus families are all up at the weekend. He may be home by then, with 4x carers. If not, we can see him in hospital. Dietician visited today and advised there is no more that can be done, he needs to keep trying to eat purée and thickened foods and drinks, only other option is not eating. I’ve made a photo book of his life so hopefully he’ll get some enjoyment from that.

Thank you @FiniteSagacity TBH I feel a bit of a fraud. DM's situation has just become a constant background hum in my life. She is cared for, there isnt anything to be done.

Unless something changes we are going away on Saturday.

Call me cynical but I notice that DB is being a lot more negative about DM's current condition. I know he doesnt want me to go away on holiday. In the main bexause he thinks all focus should be on DM, nothing else matters. The negativity is to try and persuade me not to go. But at the same time he insists that DM is still doing okay.

That I have a life away from DM is incomprehensible to DB because he hasnt.

I don't come by here much and probably most of the people who know me from the beginning are free by now

I've just had one of those really frustrating days. I tried to keep things to a minimum. But it does tend to be once a week because I actually find I get more annoyed if I'm not around for longer and tasks just build up

Once again, I nearly said to my mum today "how can you still be here?" by which I mean "when does this nightmare finish?"

She's actually getting healthier, I'm pleased for her but I do now just plan around her being over 100 or me going first

And sometimes the depression of it all just really gets to me

I have actually told a younger person I know not to get involved, she has a mother who is 70 and has bounced back from serious illness

She's also having a lot of resentment and worries and I've said to her "don't be me, I wasted the whole of my 40s on this and you don't get that time back".

I suppose the good news is I don't seem to be anything like my age - well I'm not sure, it's only on MN that a 50 year-old woman is in some kind of weird disaster zone! In real life, most 50-year-olds are pretty much like 40-year-olds, at least the ones I meet. Admittedly, I don't meet a lot of people.

but just... yeah, oh my god. It's mad. It seems so horribly unfair.

sorry, I didn't want to start a separate thread so I just thought I'd hop on here and rant. People who dealing with Parents with dementia and so on, I don't know how you're coping. But TBH, one of the reasons why I don't post here as I cannot cope with the stories because I just think "what the hell is next?"

Just adding because there's probably a bunch of new folk here who don't know

She's a really lovely lady.
But I feel as if this has been going on for so long, I actually can't even really remember it

And there's been lots of particular issues that have caused resentment

If I get lucky and she doesn't carry on, I'm not even going to remember that she was a good mother. I'm just going to be so relieved.

this is the only place I can say this so thank you to anyone who is listening.

@EmeraldRoulette I so understand feelings of resentment and wondering when this will end.

@EmeraldRoulette there’s a warm welcome back and an extra comfy space for you here. Plus a tall glass of very strong stuff sprinkled with boundary dust (special reserve for long serving bad daughters). There is a lot that resonates and lots of understanding here 🥃

@GnomeDePlume keeping everything crossed you get to go on holiday.

@EmeraldRoulette it just seems endless doesn’t it ? Before DPs got really unwell mentally and physically, I would have said I was a nice decent person, but now I just feel I am a disgusting excuse of a human, because honestly I just want this to be over. They’re in a care home now so a lot of the burden has been reduced but it’s still the ever present tiny stone in my shoe. I keep thinking surely it will be over by the time I am 60.

@FiniteSagacity thank you

I've got better in the sense of being better at walking away from it and forgetting about it but the resentment just eats you up

@GnomeDePlume I hope you get to go on holiday

@rookiemere I'm sure the care home is helpful, but I can totally see you'd still have a stone in your shoe.

Hugs all round if wanted.

I’ve just discovered this thread in the last few months as my lovely mum has been going through the dementia diagnosis process. She has declined mentally very quickly with confusion/delusions. I just wondered if anyone has advice as to how best to deal with our situation.
My lives over an hour away and it’s not been manageable so we have moved her in with us. Need to put her house on the market but may take a while to sell. We have found a lovely flat very near to us which I am going to remortgage our house to buy. The aim being that the mortgage will be paid off with the proceeds of my mums house. Has anyone done this and know of the best way to do it? Should I buy it in my name or my mum‘s or joint names? And how will the money she pays me back be regarded. I’m not interested in preserving inheritance or avoiding paying care home fees if the time comes but don’t want to be out of pocket.

In terms of the property and financial issues - you should really seek advice from a solicitor and probably also a financial planner.

Unfortunately, moving house will more than likely cause a sharp decline in your mum's health and accelerate her confusion. Have you thought about looking into residential care for her, or do you think she's still not at that stage yet?

@Fififerry1 unfortunately with dementia the decline doesnt 'bottom out', it continues. Hope for the best but plan for the worst.

Each move your DM makes is likely to trigger another decline. As you are now seeing, that decline can be very fast. As an example, my DM has gone from independent living to bedbound, being spoon fed pureed food in 18 months.

I am not a financial or legal adviser but in your shoes I would be looking to get your DM's assets available to pay for care.

@Fififerry1 I am sorry your DM is going through the dementia process and has declined rapidly.

At this stage buying another property is unlikely to be a sensible move. As pp point out a move may lead t9 s further decline and within a short period of time may need a care home.

My advice is to use the time to find a care home near to you which caters for her needs now but is future proofed by also offering end of life and advanced dementia care.

@Fififerry1 i'm sorry I can't see that buying another proper is a good idea in this situation

And it's such an incredibly stressful thing to do for everybody

I'm sorry things are so difficult 💐

Update for me, my mum is actually upset by what I said yesterday

I feel as if I've said worse but it usually goes straight over her head

However, I did once explain what I said to someone I know and she said "that is the most ridiculously polite way of saying you're not coping". I did think yesterday was going to be the same.

Anyway, I have held my ground and said that I'm sorry if I've upset her, but I was very angry with some of the things she was saying, and I feel she has been very inconsiderate of my needs. Again. I have reminded her that I had a nervous breakdown three years ago.

I'm not inclined to do much more about it to be honest. I think we need to keep out of each other's way. As she keeps being ridiculously healthy, one of my concerns is that she's going to dismiss the care agency and that we will have to start all over again when she's ill again - but I probably have to let go of that worry.

You just cannot predict anything about this. It's a terrible mess.

Thank you @GnomeDePlume @Kirschcherries and @EmeraldRoulette
I think you are saying what I know and can’t accept. I love my DM but she is only 18 years older than me (79) and could live a very long time. By which time I may have Alzheimer’s myself. I can’t look after her at her home it’s too far away - she needs to move but the last few months where she has lived with me have been awful. I still work full-time in a very difficult job and it is completely draining. I can’t think how much worse it will become when she needs practical care as well.
I just can’t imagine putting her into a care home and hoped there might be a halfway option.
You are all such strong and brave women on this thread and your experience is invaluable. My DS lives abroad and whilst my DB lives nearby, he is very much head in the sand, wants to help but fairly useless.
Does anyone have experience of Rivastigmine?

Sorry. And thanks @Seeingadistance

@Fififerry1 if you need to move her but can't stomach a care home at least rent not but and look at extra care flats. At least you don't saddle yourself with having a second sale to handle. Honestly you run the risk of having consecutive sales with no break or even worse overlapping sales while you are settling your mum into a care home and paying extra mortgage on your own property pending sales. Is that a stress you want to risk? Given the speed of your mum's progression it's a very real risk.
Appreciate renting may be financially dependent on selling her house so you may be stuck between a rock and a hard place. A position a lot of us will be familiar with.

@Fififerry1 I feel for you and can understand your emotions with your Mum being only 18 years older.

I have very similar thoughts watching what my Mum has and is going through.

If your Mum is fortunate to have the funds the right care home allows you to let others do the day to day caring and you get to spend quality time with your Mum.