Cockroach cafe - Spring to Summer 2026

[FiniteSagacity]

New thread for us all to gather and have tea, cake and something from the stronger shelf as needed.

Keeping the cockroach name in honour of those who have graduated the thread in spite of the suggested thread names!

Had a cry in the bath, had a glass of wine.

rang mum, her mobile did the ‘this mobile isn’t connected’ or whatever android does. Rang her landline. No answer. Message the brothers the idiots “have you heard from mum?” That was some hours ago. No bluetick. Strongly suspect they have put the hysterical older sister on mute.

mum rings an hour later. Can’t find her phone. She’s agreed to wear her phone in a pouch around the (lethal) house. She was out when I rang the landline as she was walking to the postbox in the middle of nowhere to post my birthday card.

Arranged to go over on Thursday to take her out for dinner and stay over. Memory nurse is coming on Friday to check her over as arranged by GP.

She’s always been a bit vague and scatty but at the same time held down a high powered job.

I don’t think memory is an issue at 80, although her interest in stuff has decreased. Is that a sign?

I can’t be ARSED to sort out a gift from my brothers, update them that she hasn’t broken her neck today and that she’s getting a dementia check.

obviously, should there be a problem with her memory there are no prizes for guessing who will be dealing with this. if it is the first signs of dementia which her older sister has, I’m not looking forward to that journey as seen by the hell many of forum members are experiencing.

And no signs of a family conference as promised by Corporate Golden Boy - which he will chair 😂 - to discuss mum’s options. WITH HER.

He was planning to come over this July with his kids from Europe but no sign of that. He’s avoiding a discussion as he knows I will put him on the spot and make him accountable.

They are Fucking dicks.

Updated siblings that mum texted me at 2am to say she’s found her phone. She has always been nocturnal so not particularly worried.

I also updated them about the memory nurse appointment. This was read by one of the morons at 7.47am. No reply.

Corporate Golden Boy did update me - kindly - yesterday that he’d emailed mum and she’s ok as she was watching the World Cup. Oh, that’s ok then. He’s hiding behind email. Also, do you get a full picture of what’s going on via email.

I’m around on Friday for the memory nurse. However, I am not updating the idiots. They can follow that up with OUR mother.

This AM, I had an amazing session with my counsellor. He affirmed I was right to be very angry, they are shrugging off responsibility and it isn’t fair.

I can so relate to all of this. DM spent whole weekend wanting to go ‘home’. Up at 4:30 am fully packed with her coat on. So I thought I would drop her off today before a late start at work and then go back and get her (2 x 2 hour round trip). Of course she didn’t mean her actual home she meant her childhood home where she was sure there were people who would look after her.
She has now locked herself out despite us having hidden keys all over the place. She has left keys on the inside of every door. My DH has therefore gone over to sort that out but she’s refusing to come back with him. I know that the minute he arrives home, she will be calling me asking why nobody has been to collect her. It’s just so exhausting. I think I need to get better at stonewalling requests and putting up with her upset and distress.
Three of our DPs died quite quickly after short illnesses but we always thought my DM was so fit and healthy she would be capable for a long time yet. My DGM got cancer shortly after her dementia diagnosis, but after it had become quite bad and we were actually relieved. I can feel myself wishing for this to happen to my DM which just feels so absolutely awful. Alzheimer’s ruins everybody’s lives.

Sympathy and 🍷to all. I think I too need to drink wine and cry in the bath. I am so tired today and my legs and feet are in a lot of pain.

DF still in hospital, in the last week it has been touch and go with a bowel infection and then pneumonia caused by them having to give him so much fluid to keep him going. He is doing better, but very garbled spent my entire two hour visit after work last night either sleeping or waking up every ten minutes and then asking if he should go to the toilet over and over again.

Apparently the doctors have told him he can go home tomorrow, but no-one from the ward has called me. I am working 0730-8pm tomorrow so that won't happen unless they actually communicate with the person who makes it all happen. I messaged my brother the other day to tell him when my DF was getting worse and I got back a one word reply of "ok". So of course he won't be any help as per usual. Might turn my phone off at work tomorrow seeing as I can't take calls anyway, so that they have to phone NSDB instead.

@Fififerry1 i am so sorry. This is clearly a nightmare for you. I’ve found it quite exhausting with my mum and no way it as bad as what you are describing and enduring. Because I hope for the best and plan for the worst I can see that these things could - but not necessarily - come to pass. Huge hugs to you.

@Choconuttolata I feel furious with your brother on your behalf. “OK” WTAF.

You have SO much on your plate. I’m so sorry.

The system of discharge from hospital…well, it isn’t a system.

We went through it with Mr monkey’s utterly toxic mother where I think the hospital thought she would come to us and she CERTAINLY she could come to us and cause more toxic drama. I barricaded the house to prevent this.

In some ways, hospitals are kind of laboring under the illusion that daughters - usually daughters - can pick all of this up. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. My mum did remark in a waiting room “it’s all daughters with their parents, isn’t it?”

One brother has done TWO hospital appointments and I think he thinks it’s OBE territory.

I’ve done numerous plus 6 weeks living there which was a huge strain after she’d had a series of falls.

What the MUPPETS don’t understand - or care not - is there is only one direction for our mother’s wellbeing and healthy and it ain’t upwards.

anyway, huge hugs to you and I hope the hospital helps you.

Quite a lot has happened today.

The Social worker came and spoke to Mum and I for an hour - I told her the story (long term emotional and psychological abuse, inability to manage him with his Lewy Body, verbal aggression and high care needs.) I told her that we could not and would not look after him any more. She took 5 pages of notes and has arranged a Capacity assessment on Wednesday. I have to tell him about it because I don't want this to be the one day he decided to take himself to the shops. I will probably tell him it is an assessment for extra help due to all of his recent falls as I think telling him the whole truth will make Mum unsafe.

Then the Dementia helpline who put in the safeguarding called us to check in. Then I took him for his Scan so that Mum didn't have to do it. He tried to give me the silent treatment which was fine because I didn't want to talk to him. Then we went home and he decided to mow the law - I think this was some sort of pass-ag gesture. We ignored it.

This evening I have (for the second time) removed all the rubbish he put in the recycling bin as it is all stuff that can't be recycled. It's now in a bag in the boot of my car for the tip.

My boss has authorised today as compassionate leave. I spoke to my GP too - he offered a few weeks off but I'd get so behind at work that it isn't worth it.

Thanks to all of you and the wonderful wider Mumsnet, I bought Mum "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft. She started it yesterday and said "Oh."

This is definitely an elephant to eat in chunks. Adult social care have said they are looking for placement, not respite and not carers. They've moved pretty fast which was very validating for mum. I have said that there are no geographical restrictions.

I think I'm going to have a glass of wine tonight.

Love Lynn

Thank you @ManchesterMonkey and everyone. I am hoping that the Rivastigmine at least addresses some of the paranoia/delusions which is apparently what it is being aimed at (off licence). Though nearly 2 weeks since ECG and still no prescribing appointment in sight though I’ve been told the consultant has approved it. Everything moves so slowly yet her Alzheimers seems to be progressing so quickly and I worry we are wasting a window of opportunity.
There are some funny moments. Today when my mum did not realise I was her daughter (who are your mum and dad then?) she told me that my long dead aunt (who I think she also thought I was) was very conceited and used to try and show her knickers as she swished her skirts when sitting down.
Sending love to everyone who is battling at this coal face.

The paranoia is so hard to deal with... "compassionate" empathising is all well and good but blooming exhausting

Mum has had a few days of being frailer and more tired than normal, which both the care home and I think is due to the Covid jab she had last week - vaccinations in general seem to knock her out for an increasing length of time. Anyway, the GP called today and of course mum was perkier and feeding herself. Got the ok from the doc.

However, the care home did say they discussed with the GP whether it’s time to get in the End of Life medication pack in. She is so frail the slightest thing tips her over the edge and I think they like to be prepared. GP thought not yet but will keep her on weekly review.

Both DB and I are ok with medicating mum up to the eyeballs if it means she is not in pain or distress (not that she is at the moment). Our dad had a younger brother who died in his teens of leukaemia, and by all accounts it was a very upsetting last few weeks as nothing touched the pain. His memories of it made a deep impression on all of us - along with an aversion to unnecessary suffering.

@FiniteSagacity we’re approaching the end of this thread. Are you wanting to do the honours for a new one? I’m happy to do it if not.

I have started a new thread.

Cockroach Cafe - summer

Sorry, on my phone so I dont know how to do a link

@LynnThese4reSEXPEOPLE I'm pleased to hear that things are changing for the better for you, even though I'm sure it's not been at all easy.
@Fififerry1 I know what you mean about the pace of assessment/treatment for dementia. Everything I have read suggests that early treatment gives the best outcome, since the medication can only slow down the progress, but every stage seems to take months. Mum was waiting nearly a year from first GP appointment to discuss this to eventual diagnosis, with long gaps between medical tests/assessments etc and we are now also awaiting an appointment to discuss medication. Compared to when she has been to the GP with symptoms of physical illness and there have been multiple tests at the same time and pretty speedy hospital appointments due to her age. I know the reality is there are limited resources/appointments etc and too many people with suspected dementia.
@ManchesterMonkey My observation when Dad spent a month on an elderly care ward was that daughters of patients generally visited regularly and tended to be also taking care of all the boring, time consuming yet necessary things for their fathers (looking after an elderly mum and taking her to visit, making sure they had clean clothes, helping with some personal care, quiet discussions with staff about care etc). Sons generally visited rarely and but with drama and fuss- bringing food/books/gadgets that were left on the side of the bed as the patient couldn't use them, trying to insist on seeing a consultant, challenging why x.y, and z (which had been tried and failed) were not being done etc. Obviously there were exceptions but I can see why hospital staff make the assumption that a daughter will be the one actually doing useful things.

Sorry- failed to see post re new thread!

Here’s the new thread
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5543019-cockroach-cafe-summer?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

@Choux thank you for the link.