Cockroach cafe - Spring to Summer 2026

[FiniteSagacity]

New thread for us all to gather and have tea, cake and something from the stronger shelf as needed.

Keeping the cockroach name in honour of those who have graduated the thread in spite of the suggested thread names!

Thank you, needed to read these comments.

3rd fall in 3 days.
she refuses to call 111, as she said when she called them the other day (if she did!) they mentioned an ambulance so she ended the call (& they, having established it was a frail 91 year old who had fallen, did…. Nothing. FFS )
So once again, from 2:30 til mid morning today she was on the floor again.
The carer who found her thinks she needs to go into hospital again as she’s probably got an infection but mil refuses. At some time between the carer leaving last night and her falling at 2:30 it seems she’s been moving furniture, which she denies. She’s seeing insects (bits of fluff on the carpet) and thinks it’s all a Machiavellian plot to get her in to a care home.

DH is beyond stressed… and I have almost constant chest pains waiting for the next crisis.

Any advice welcome!!! Do we call 111 to see if a clinician can come see her? If we try and take her to a walk in she will just lie and say everything is fine… which Tbf she’ll probably also do if we call 111. Wtaf can we do? She’s swinging between nonsense (seeing wasps), lying to the carer (“my DS has just left, he’ll be back in 10 mins” - he hadn’t been yet today, or yesterday!) and seeming lucid. Showing more and more dementia like behaviour, getting ready nasty to DH.

How can we help her?!

I’m sorry, this is such a stressful situation to be in.

The carers for my DM had a policy that meant that when they found her on the floor after a fall they had to call an ambulance, they weren’t allowed to lift her themselves, in case she was injured and they made it worse. Do your MILs carers not have the same? Mum wasn’t happy but they were able to say they had to because they’d get in trouble from the office if they didn’t. At least in A&E she’d get checked for infections and hopefully assessed further.

Its not ideal that the system, if you can call it that, relies on getting to a crisis before action can be taken, but better be admitted with an infection than a broken hip.

That sounds really tough @NoMoreFluffsToGive. I would give or get DH to give 111 a call, even to have it registered in the system. They may or may not send someone out, but at least if MIL gets worse there will be a record of your contact.

@NoMoreFluffsToGive If you don't manage to get anywhere today do you think she'd agree to go to see her GP on Monday? When Mum had a spate of similar issues her GP was very good about getting her in to see someone for urine tests and blood tests pretty much straight away to check for an infection. Would she be more willing to go there than to hospital? If I were you I'd also tell the surgery that you are concerned about whether this is a physical problem or a cognitive problem and explain what's been happening. They won't be able to tell you much without her permission but you can pass on information and it may be enough for them to call her in for a 'health check'. It was in similar circumstances that I managed to get mum to tell a nurse about seeing and hearing things, which sped up the path to a dementia diagnosis.
This could be delirium from an infection but if it's happening often I'm afraid it sounds awfully similar to things my Mum did.

This is so familiar - with my s-f he sees spiders/rain. When we started the process, my Mum and I called his GP and told them what was going on (from our perspective). I had PoA for Health already so it was easier from that perspective. If you don't, you could just call the GP practice and explain your concerns - they won't be able to discuss her with you but hopefully will do something. So hard.

@StillNiceCardigan sorry for your loss, I hope happier memories can prevail now 💐

@NDornotND I am glad for you the the funeral went okay. I hope your DF is bearing up, it is a big adjustment for you all.

@GnomeDePlume I hope that they have taken note of your DM's distress and given her something, it isn't okay they ignore her discomfort because she is suffering quietly.

@NoMoreFluffsToGive try seeing if a GP either OOH via 111 or her own GP can do a home visit. That is what I did with DAunt after she fell and the paramedics left her at home and also DF when he becomes intractable. They sometimes listen more to the authority of a doctor.

Been off the radar as lots going on, but following you all. DF is back in hospital with a severe infection of his large bowel. There is no surgical option if he gets worse as he won't manage a general anaesthetic. They are just hoping the IV antibiotics begin to work as his infection markers in his blood are still very high. The first sign that he was getting unwell was him saying that he had been having nightmares and woke up kicking the bookcase in his living room. The second sign was when DH went to put him to bed and found a large filing cabinet pulled out in the middle of the living room. He then requested DH re-order his whole cabinet late at night. DH declined, he wouldn't make a very good secretary.

Sends a large bar of chocolate 🍫 a stiff drink 🥃to everyone.

My friend's mother's first sign of dementia was seeing spiders that almost always weren't there. She'd insist that they were running across her bedroom wall. 😒

DM's slow, slow slide down life's exit ramp continues. Yesterday I would say that for 95% of the time she was awake (which itself was only a small proportion of the time I was with her) she was not aware of anyone being with her.

Calmer than the previous week but personnal care distresses her and that distress lingers on for some time afterwards. No blame on the carers, I think mum's distress is because she doesnt understand what is happening.

We are still planning to go away on Saturday for 2 weeks. So I am not going to see DM for 3 weeks. It did occur to me that I may not see DM again. That thought leaves me with a feeling of melancholy rather than huge grief. DM is already long gone.

@GnomeDePlume bless you, it’s so hard. DM died of cancer when I was a young teen, she’d been terribly ill for so long, and in the last days it really did feel like she had already gone. It was a terrible mix of grief and almost relief when she passed, terribly confusing at that age. Melancholy is a very good word for the feeling too. Such difficult times. I hope you are looking after yourself, and have a really good restful time when you go away.

@GnomeDePlume I remember that my DGM became very distressed by personal care towards the end. It sounds like you are at peace with the inevitable and that is not wrong. Deep sadness, but not being overwhelmed by grief is more common I think when death is expected. You have had time to come to terms with it and spend time with your DM. I hope that you can can enjoy some calm, reflective time away. Looking after yourself is just as important on this long road.

@NoMoreFluffsToGive that must have been so hard to go through the loss of your DM at that age. I hope you had some support to work through your feelings. So difficult when the people you would normally lean on are grieving themselves. All too often teenagers are just left to get on with it.

@Choconuttolata I think my sadness is at DM having to go through this. She was a very private woman. Now her bladder and bowel movements are the subject of routine conversation.

Waiting for an ambulance. Got to mum's and she's on the floor. No idea how long she's been there but remains of lunch are on the side table so could be all afternoon.

Is she conscious @countrygirl99? Hope the wait isn’t too long.

Hugs and handholds @GnomeDePlume and @countrygirl99 .
Tough times.

She didn't appear injured just distressed and tired. Ambulance said the wait would be about 2 hours but after about 1.5 hours she managed to haul herself up using a chair. I've put her to bed and she went straight to sleep.

@GnomeDePlume my DGM was the same, very private especially about bodily functions and was mortified at not being able to do her personal care independently at the end.

Oh dear @countrygirl99 I am glad she felt able to get up with a chair. My DF did the same with the carer after he was found on the floor. Is your DM on blood thinners? DF is on apixaban and had a bleed on the brain after his fall and he just slid off his chair onto the floor so did not fall from standing height. If she is sleepy definitely still get her checked over by the paramedics or an OOH doctor if the ambulance isn't still on the way even though she must be exhausted from being on the floor for hours it is better to be safe.

Mum isn't on blood thinners but apparently despite confirming that the ambulance was cancelled when I called they changed their minds and turned up shortly after I left and have taken her to hospital. But by the time I found out I'd had a medicinal large glass of sauvignon blanc so god knows what happens now.
This is clearly because we are going away for a week on Wednesday. Last time I went away DH had a medical crisis.

I do hope everything works out for you to get away @countrygirl99

My uncle died today. I had to go and tell DM. He was her favourite brother and the last of her brothers to die. It was expected as he'd been in hospital on end of life pathway but I feel so sorry for DM. Nobody now but her to remember their early family life. He was a lovely man.

Picked mum up very early this morning and she's back home. I said I'll stay with her until the morning carer comes 8.30/9ish. Got told she doesn't have carers. Only for the last 5½ years!

That made me giggle @countrygirl99, I have been trying to persuade my Mum to remember to take her eyedrops at bedtime for nearly two years but always get told that she doesn't have glaucoma.

@BlackAmericanoNoSugar mum has Alzheimer's but anyone who says anything is wrong because no doctor has ever said that.
Except she had a brain scan that confirmed it January 2021. She finally got to the stage where she isn't safe at home but thankfully she's going into a home in a few days. The move was already in progress before the fall. It will be a relief to know she isn't going to cause any fires or explosions let alone lie on the floor for hours.

Mum doesn't have a diagnosis, she doesn't think she needs to be diagnosed with anything and since she doesn't take any of her meds anyway DB and I can't see the point in pushing her. She's still coping reasonably well with living at home and she voluntarily gave up driving, so things are as good as they can be for the time being.

@GnomeDePlume lorazepam can be given with morphine.
I say this as a retired nurse and ex-Matron of a dementia nursing home. I'm not sure why you've been told that these meds can't be given simultaneously.