Cockroach cafe - Spring to Summer 2026

[FiniteSagacity]

New thread for us all to gather and have tea, cake and something from the stronger shelf as needed.

Keeping the cockroach name in honour of those who have graduated the thread in spite of the suggested thread names!

@funnelfan I know what you mean about that ad! I think as a society we need to get better at talking about the realities of cognitive decline and having proper informed conversations with our families way before it becomes a problem. My (admittedly limited) experience is that too often this is not discussed at all until there is a problem, by which time emotions are high and the older person may have already lost the ability to really think through the implications of the options. I know that Mum, even at a fairly early stage in her disease, simply does not have the executive function to process pros and cons of care options. She just can't get beyond 'this is all scary so I want my familiar home and my children with me at all times'.

Lots of people I know have their wills organised, funeral plans discussed, written down and updated every few years etc plus discussions about organ donation if it was applicable. But no discussions at all about their thoughts on care if they were not able to manage independently whilst still alive. It's something I have already started to discuss with my young adult children.

@NoMoreFluffsToGive
Leg ulcers are a BUGGER. My ER has the district nurse round every 2 or 3 days to dress them. Walking more is supposed to help them heal, but the patient often has terrible mobility issues and executive function issues (where "should" never gets to "does") so...

Oh and it's perfectly normal to dream about going to the nearest container port with a passport and all your savings and buying a place on some ship heading out, leaving no forwarding info. We all know it won't help, so we don't do it, but that impulse to turn and run is so, so common.

Funnily enough I watch a lot of travel YouTube videos where people get on a train or bus or plane and kind of just keep going!!

Long-time lurker here, but I just wondered if posters know about the RESPECT form (Recommended Summary Plan for Emergency Care & Treatment). I believe the person needs to have capacity, and it has to be created with and signed by a clinician.

I only found out about it this week because a friend's father was asked to complete one. I will be recommending it to my DM, who is fairly clear-headed but physically very frail and disabled.

ETA link: https://www.resus.org.uk/respect/respect-healthcare-professionals

Mum's GP forwarded the form for us to complete with mum. It was prepopulated with diagnostic info and (inaccurate) family contact details. I did what I could but then mum refused to sign it because it said she has Alzheimer's and she doesn't accept that she has as she forgot the memory clinic and brain scan appointments almost immediately. But mum's GP is pretty useless. Reckons she's "fit as a fiddle" despite being breathless and with swollen legs that the carers regularly raise concerns about so I wouldn't base what should be done on what they do.

@SqueakyDinosaur yes, RESPECT form completed for DM. I'm not sure how much use it actually is, this could be DM's useless GP though.

Same with LPAs. Better than nothing but not as good as they should be. Too much pussyfooting around.

I have started completing an Advanced Directive form (Alzheimers Society has a template).

Oh and it's perfectly normal to dream about going to the nearest container port with a passport and all your savings and buying a place on some ship heading out, leaving no forwarding info. We all know it won't help, so we don't do it, but that impulse to turn and run is so, so common.
Funnily enough I watch a lot of travel YouTube videos where people get on a train or bus or plane and kind of just keep going!!

@MysterOfwomanY I have always had a bit of this in me! I used to wonder if you could just turn up at an airport and to a kind of potluck, what availability of flights that we’re leaving that day. Perhaps you could do that once upon a time, but I doubt it’s the case anymore.

Obviously, I don’t travel that way. But I do some wandering on my own when my own health and commitments allow. I also do love the English weather, it’s been raining here this morning and it’s quite cool, but sometimes I crave a bit of ☀️ so more recently I’ve decided to allow myself the luxury of spontaneous (cheap) travel.

Those YouTube videos sound interesting, I have never come across anything like that. Can you post an example?

@PillowSoft Oh I love the less polished travel videos where you see the "getting lost / being late" bits.

Traveling Turtle
Planes, Trains, Everything
Steve Marsh

are some examples this sort of thing.
And I read a nonfiction account of a woman who went to Oz without flying... Container ships etc ...let me look it up ...Maria Staal, more than 1 book it seems!

Finally got DB to shift on the topic of light sedation for DM. She is getting less and less responsive to soothing techniques. Now she is either asleep or awake and distressed. Even DB can see this now.

Of course it now looks like that is another of 'yesterday's problems' solved. DM is now in some pain/discomfort from her abdomen (hugely distended). It is possible that the next step is going to be morphine.

So he has shifted a little in thought but she is still unmedicated?

I had forgotten about the distended abdomen which you mentioned what seems like 2-3 weeks ago. If she is now showing signs of pain surely the care home will get bolder at telling your DB she needs to be given the remedy to the pain which is morphine?

I have been in the background for a bit lately. FIL deteriorated quite rapidly and died today. DH had a bit of warning so was at FILs bedside with MIL and was able to say goodbye. The care home were amazing and did everything to make FIL as comfortable as possible.

Now its almost as if we can move on from the dementia and think about FIL as he used to be.

@Choux the CH are starting with paracetamol, they arent leaving the pain untreated. If paracetamol does the trick then okay. If not then the next step is morphine. Lorazepam cant be used with morphine.

The dificulty is that DM doesnt speak so it is hard to know what is causing DM pain. DB spotted that DM was getting agitated by her abdomen and got the nurse in.

There has never been an explanation of what is causing the distension. Neither DB or I have pushed for this as it would require her going to hospital and all that would entail.

DB is very caring of DM. Now it seems that DM could be in physical pain he wants it treated.

@StillNiceCardigan wishing you peace now💐

@StillNiceCardigan condolences from me too. I hope the memories from before are a blessing to you.

He was a lovely man who would do anything for other people and had endless patience as a grandad. It seems a relief to think about that aspect of him rather than how he had deteriorated.

@MysterOfwomanY - I might have to get DH to hide my passport just in case . Always loved to travel…
Apparently the nurse came to change the dressings on MiL’s legs today, and gave her a rollicking for not using the bed and so not elevating them. She promptly ordered a hospital bed which I suspect will remain pristine and unused as mil won’t allow the carers to put her to bed and put the sides up, and if they don’t she will just do what she does and wander around at night when she gets restless/confused. Dreading what will happen if she leaves the house in the night!!
Nurse also switched to daily dressing changes as the dressings are soaked through after just 2 days now .
tbf I don’t think elevating them would make a massive difference at this stage even if she could be persuaded given her heart failure, but it might help at least a little? Who knows. It’s all very sad and grim. We’re in the bleak stage where I’m pretty sure she’s in the middle stages of dementia; not well enough to keep herself as safe and well as possible, but not ill enough to trigger the lpa or the system to override her wishes as expressed during the daytime when she can still present as quite ‘with it’.

Bless him, and you… it’s good that you can hold that memory. He sounds lovely.

Sorry for your loss @StillNiceCardigan. It’s good you can already start to remember the good times with him instead of his recent deterioration. 💐

@GnomeDePlume yes it’s hard when the elderly person can’t say what hurts or what kind of pain it is and everyone is guessing. And I don’t know what care home policies are re treating unidentified or just suspected pain.

If the next planned step is morphine that suggests the end is close. I hope it’s as peaceful as it can be for all of you.

@StillNiceCardigan Im sorry for your loss. 💐

@StillNiceCardigan I’m sorry to hear your news but glad your DH and MIL were able to be there. It’s lovely you’re able to look back on some happier times 💐

@GnomeDePlume my thoughts are also with you going through these long days. I hope you are able to look after yourself through all this 💐

Oddly, I’m finding I quite miss the nurses and carers and might go back on an open day or something to thank them properly.

Condolences and I'm glad that there is now a release to memories of happier times.

@StillNiceCardigan condolences. Wishing you strength for the days ahead.

@StillNiceCardigan condolences but I k for one person. now what you mean about remembering the better times.
@GnomeDePlume I referred to your ordeal the other day. An acquaintance was told her mum is now on end of life care and she thought that meant the end was inevitably only a few days if not hours away. I told her for two of our late parents it was a couple of months and that on a forumI go on it had been several for one person. From what she told me it didn't sound imminent and she wasn't prepared for a longer wait.

@countrygirl99 something I read - possibly here - which might make a good rule of thumb for your acquaintance is ‘if you can see a decline each month, they possibly have months left, if you can see a decline each week, they possibly have weeks left, if you can see a decline each day, they possibly have days left’.

Looking back that seems to ring true for my mum although I didn’t read it till after her death. In her case, although I could see her decline accelerating, I had nothing to gauge what it meant. So the first mention of getting the anticipatory end of life drugs - they definitely used the word anticipatory with me so I took that to mean it would be soon but not imminent - was on Weds night. By Fri afternoon they had decided to start using them and she was gone 24 hours later and it was a bit of a shock how quickly the end came for her.