Cockroach cafe - Spring to Summer 2026

[FiniteSagacity]

New thread for us all to gather and have tea, cake and something from the stronger shelf as needed.

Keeping the cockroach name in honour of those who have graduated the thread in spite of the suggested thread names!

Please try and reframe your thinking around “putting her in” a care home. When/if the time comes, she will receive much better care from trained staff than she possibly could from you struggling to do everything on your own, especially when also working in a demanding job.

Many of us have experienced the relief of being able to go back to having a parent-child relationship again, rather than carer/fixer/PA. As a pp said, you can then concentrate on having quality time with your mum. My mums care home does trips out with the more mobile residents and relatives are welcome to join, especially if it’s to the pub or coffee shop where you can meet them there. I would honestly skip the idea of her living independently and start researching care homes. Good ones often have waiting lists at this time of year especially. (There can be higher turnover in winter.)

if you strongly feel that you do want to try her living independently, then I agree with pp that it will be far better to rent than buy somewhere. Do have a look at what the “extra care” housing options are in your area.

Oh and yes my mum tried rivastigamine, but she didn’t do well on it so I took her off. She has vascular dementia rather than Alzheimer’s though so not sure her experience would be applicable to your situation.

@Fififerry1 my DM is in a carehome. It has been a godsend as DM has declined. Each stage has required more/different equipment and it has been provided instantly.

If you do decide to go down the carehome route then I recommend looking for somewhere with different levels of care. My DM started in residential care and is now in nursing care. These are just different floors in the same building. DM wasnt aware of the change.

It is difficult and also frightening to think this may be one's own fate.

DM was on Rivastigmine patches but was allergic to them. Donezapil tablets made her sick so she is on Memantine. I can’t say one way or the other whether it has made a difference. Her short term memory is non existent but her long term memory isn’t too bad. She has Alzheimer’s diagnosed 5 years ago but also has normal pressure hydrocephalus which impacts short term memory so it’s hard to say.

Burst into tears at work today as everything just became too much.

Adult Social Care coming on Monday. Please tell me how to tell them he has emotionally abused my Mum for years and she can't deal with him any more.

I am scared.

@Fififerry1
We tried the 'halfway option' when my mum moved into Assisted Living whilst at about Stage 4 dementia and it wasn't very successful. She was very disorientated and clearly not happy although it was a great place, lots of activities and support. It increased her sundowning tendency, she was up at night a lot and almost inevitably took a bad fall and had to be discharged from hospital straight into a care home. There comes a point when it's not about where the person wants to be, but where they will be safest. You could try it I suppose, ask her what she thinks. The irony in our case was that AL was meant to be safer!
(Edited to say that some AL placements will provide extra care (continence care etc) as the service user's condition worsens, so another move isn't inevitable in the short term. Of course, we chose the wrong one.😒)

Hi there, just wanted to reply and tell you to hang on in there. I usually just lurk here, but checked in after a very late night at work and had to read a few pages back to get a rough idea of your situation. Sounds really stressful having your mum and stepdad living with you. Given his recent significant decline in mental health, I think it’s perfectly reasonable to tell adult social care the truth. Does your mum have capacity? Sorry, there are gaps in my understanding about your situation. It’s sounds like both you and your mother would be better off if her husband were in residential care. Please try to let go of any guilt on your part (I know, easier said than done). Being ND myself, I totally understand the need for a quiet and safe home in which to decompress. There’s zero chance of you being there for either your mum or stepdad without that haven. Be honest and tell them you can’t cope. Find out what the options are and let us know how you get on

@LynnThese4reSEXPEOPLE sometimes it's easier to put this stuff in an email. Takes away the fear of a dramatic reaction from a parent and you can take time to write down examples in a controlled manner.we had to do this when mum,who had Alzheimer's, was insisting she could look after very frail dad but was not recognising his needs. He was backing her up in front of anyone who wasn't family but complaining to.us.

Aaaaagh. Mum phoned me yesterday to tell me that she has a garden trip and she needed to be dropped off at the coach at location A at 8am today. Then later yesterday she phoned to say that she needed to be dropped off at location B for a different garden trip with a different garden club, also at 8am. When questioned, she decided that it was in fact location A. Anyway I got up early this morning and went to collect her and she was still in bed and she got annoyed with me because the trip is NEXT week and that's definitely what she told me.

Fortunately she had written it up on her calendar, it is today and it's location B. She dressed quickly and I dropped her off but she hasn't had breakfast or even a cup of tea and she is in a shockingly grumpy mood, so I hope the day goes ok. She finds day trips quite tiring these days, especially getting on and off the coach. The location A trip was on her calendar for the 27th, when I will be away so I will have to ask DH if he can do it and he is always running late which will stress her out. DB would normally take his turn for this sort of thing but he has a detached retina so won't be driving anywhere for a few months.

She said several times in the car that she won't sign up for anymore trips because it's all too confusing, so hopefully this will be the last of it.

Do NOT feel guilty about the care home option.
It's the best thing once care at home becomes impossible.
Care homes and nursing homes are the best places for patients with worsening dementia.

Oh god this sounds so familiar, especially the last minute discovery of imminent plans, hazy details and grumpiness.

My mum doesn’t do much planned social stuff anymore, for us it’s doctors’ appointments, so all day on the phone to find out when and where the appointment is and often in between my visits she will just cancel or reschedule rather than figure it out.

It was the main driver behind sharing a family calendar app.

Of course she only uses the app sometimes and then struggles to use it (because she doesn’t use it enough to get used to it and remember the steps) but we haven’t found a better solution. In my defense my mother has five pages of games apps on her phone that she spends hours learning and playing, she’s comfortable with this level of tech.

I asked multiple times yesterday if she wanted to add anything to the shopping list before I went to the supermarket (at the end of a very long and tiring day) and today discovered that she’s been out of loo roll and using boxes of tissues instead. Yay, going to the shops for a second time in 24hrs on a Saturday afternoon to get one item.

I don’t think I would mind if she said Oops, forgot to add toilet roll to the list but she gets so grumpy and it seems so much like teenage laziness to me, down to the hours spent staring at her phone and getting cross about being asked to do anything else. I know logically that her planning skills are deteriorating, I wish I could get ahead of feeling so annoyed at her attitude.

I think both teen laziness and oldie haplessness both have a neurological component to them, but there's also an social/environmental component, which is why we humans do nag and shout at people - to some degree it does work sometimes! Only a bit though! and best utilized minimally, I suspect.

Welp, I thought things were going too well. Perfectly ok visit yesterday, kept the plates spinning, bought her a cookie, had a chat.

Today however - phone call from the carers. Upset, not eating, not taking meds, not answering phone(s).

They've called 111 but not sure that's going to help unless they can get a GP out to actually SEE her.

Looks like I'll be Groundhog Day-ing yesterday's drive. Right! (Calls again - and she's still not answering either phone). Time to turf my long-suffering DH out of his bath and head down I guess. I am VERY grateful for his moral and practical support.

@GnomeDePlume hope you manage your holiday OK.

Thank you and thanks @Awfuldaughter (great name, its what my S-father thinks of me too). So today my mum can over and used my land line to call the Dementia support line (think it was the Alzheimer's society). The lady on the phone took it really seriously and then raised a safeguarding request about Mum and her being emotionally/psychologically abused. She gave us a lot of good advice. Mum still v wobbly but I think it was really validating for her to hear that his behaviour is abuse and not acceptable.

I'm taking the day off work on Monday and will be there with my Mum. To answer any questions, Mum is much younger than him and is physically disabled but not hugely limited and very capable.

Have been reading this thread for a while and have got some good tips and advice for dealing with my situation. Mum diagnosed 6 years ago with mixed dementia and being cared for at home by Dad with one care visit in the morning. The dementia has progressed to a stage that my Dad is lurching from one crisis to the next. In the last week Mum has had a fall and not been able to get up and had to wait 4 hours for an ambulance, messed and smeared all over the house twice and had 2 horrendous nose bleed episodes one of which led to a 6 hour wait in A&E. My Dad is a broken man, but will not consider increasing care or a home. I try to help where I can and say the right things, but I cannot do the one thing I think he wants me to do and that is sweep in and look after her. I don't live close enough to help more than once a week and have other caring responsibilities. I just needed to vent and get this out. Waiting for the next thing to kick off.

I am being driven back. Luckily we have a pile of leftovers which can just be microwaved when we get home (at half past nine).

I made her a meal and said, look, I get the leg ulcers are absolutely wretched, but it makes no sense for me (who lives well over an hour's drive away) to play Chinese Whispers with you and the GP or the care company or whoever - the best thing is for you to TALK TO THEM and if you are unsatisfied, TALK TO THEM AGAIN.

Also, do some actual walking. As apparently it is supposed to help with leg ulcers.

She was muttering about getting a live in carer. I did say it might be easier to find someone just as an all-day carer. She gets on better with the older, local, carers and they all have lives; they're not going to want to live in her spare room (pleasant and ensuite as it is). Whereas doing a single all-day visit, so not fighting the horrific local traffic throughout the day, might be quite attractive!
It might cheer her up so I am all for it.

I may have done all this with an obvious air of exasperation on top of the sympathy, but hey, I also cleaned up the large hairball the cat had deposited on the carpet. So.

Bad daughters bench? I'm not even a bloody daughter!

@MysterOfwomanY we have a space for you in the comfy chairs and an extra reserve cocktail of strength and patience 🍸(boundary dust encrusted around the rim). There are so many of us who need to share our stories here, thank you all for sharing. We are not alone and we feel what we feel. Do help yourselves to the strong stuff or tea or whatever you need to fortify you to keep going through these times.

If I get lucky and she doesn't carry on, I'm not even going to remember that she was a good mother. I'm just going to be so relieved. @EmeraldRoulette

Ah can't tell you how much this resonates. I am so sick of the groundhog days of seeing DPs, sitting with DM and being asked 'how are the kids?' 8 times in the space of 5 minutes 😭, listening to her moan about never seeing anyone, how she cries when I've left... the memories of her being a supportive and great mum have all but disappeared and I feel so sad about that but it's difficult to remember anything good about her, or my DF now.

A good friend of mine recently lost her DM, very suddenly with no warning. She's sat there, distraught and all I can do is fight with feelings of envy and jealousy that she's not going to have to go through what I have.

It's just turning me into such a horrible, ugly person. 😪

@Sortingmyself I think a lot of here will recognise that envy. We had 4 between us at the height of COVID, all an hour away and in opposite directions. My boss was going through similar. One day I hesitantly ventured that I must be horrible because I sometimes envied orphans. He just replied "that's two of us then".

Yes to dead parent envy. To having all positive memories of a person blurred. To relief when it’s over. We feel what we feel. Someone wise on here described the little griefs all along the way and that was the last few years for me.

Yes, my late MIL took 6 weeks to go from persistent stomach upset to dying of cancer. She had a full, active life up to then, was in perfect health (or so we thought). While it was a horrible 6 weeks, I still think it was a preferable end to the slow decline my mum is enduring.

I very definitely have "dead parent envy" - I remember seeing that term used on here a while back now and it continues to resonate. My work brings me into regular contact with people of a similar age to me whose parents/elderly relatives have been diagnosed or have recently died of an aggressive cancer or similar - often well advanced before detected. It takes all I have not to say, "Hurray! How lucky!"

It's one of the reasons I've decided to retire early - I do worry that one of these days I'll speak my thoughts out loud, and also it just adds to my own growing despondency of watching a parent linger endlessly with far less quality of life than the cancer patients who're dying within a few short weeks or months.

It's awful on so many levels.

Well I’m at the DPs. But boundaries - am staying at nearby Premier inn.
DM looks a bit brighter - radiotherapy is in the past by a couple of weeks and she is moving better. Still quite tearful. Her face looks better too.
DF is still v depressed and self centered. Everything thing is 99% about him.
I also have a sibling who I do care about but drives me crazy. I’m hiding away as the tall endlessly about a pet topic.
Realized DF (for some unknown reason) has no paperwork for one of th POA. So that’s tomorrow’s job. I suspect he hasn’t done it.
I feel awful to say I can’t wait to leave.
DF is so so relentlessly down, doesn’t really help DM at all and so self centered. Not 1 once of joy. And medication on max for his depression.
I will go for a walk later instead of eating biscuits.

Treat yourself , eat biscuits ( nice ones ) whilst walking !

Rhetorical question.

Does anyone get the feeling that some people are absolute Fucking pisstakers?

My Mum’s birthday is this week.

On 3 June I asked siblings ‘did they have any idea on a present?”

Arrogant brother responds with Restaurant voucher that requires a car to get to the nearest branch - I don’t drive and I’m assuming he’s assuming I’ll be taking my mum as he lives on another country.

I think he also assumed I would be sorting this.

I haven’t. Totally overcome by guilt - WHY?!? - as I haven’t sorted it.

And actually fuck it. I’m not fucking sorting it.

also, totally overwhelmed by work events at weekends and two social events planned for wonderful supportive friend’s 60th at weekends so no time to go over to mum’s to actually see her, unless I do it during the (working) week.

Logged in to care portal - I bet I’m the only sibling who’s been doing this - and there was a day in early June when I reminded the flake to check mum had rearranged a care call to facilitate a medical appointment he was taking her to. He didn’t. I also had to remind him to order hydration tablets from Amazon. Three times.

He is a Fucking moron.

Mum texted me “thanks for sorting the hydration tablets out”.

So, this is how I know he’s actually done something.

i despair. Even what should be good things are fucked.

Rhetorical question.

Does anyone get the feeling that some people are absolute Fucking pisstakers?

My Mum’s birthday is this week.

On 3 June I asked siblings ‘did they have any idea on a present?”

Arrogant brother responds with Restaurant voucher that requires a car to get to the nearest branch - I don’t drive and I’m assuming he’s assuming I’ll be taking my mum as he lives on another country.

I think he also assumed I would be sorting this.

I haven’t. Totally overcome by guilt - WHY?!? - as I haven’t sorted it.

And actually fuck it. I’m not fucking sorting it.

also, totally overwhelmed by work events at weekends and two social events planned for wonderful supportive friend’s 60th at weekends so no time to go over to mum’s to actually see her, unless I do it during the (working) week.

Logged in to care portal - I bet I’m the only sibling who’s been doing this - and there was a day in early June when I reminded the flake to check mum had rearranged a care call to facilitate a medical appointment he was taking her to. He didn’t. I also had to remind him to order hydration tablets from Amazon. Three times.

He is a Fucking moron.

Mum texted me “thanks for sorting the hydration tablets out”.

So, this is how I know he’s actually done something.

i despair. Even what should be good things are fucked.