Cockroach cafe - Spring to Summer 2026

[FiniteSagacity]

New thread for us all to gather and have tea, cake and something from the stronger shelf as needed.

Keeping the cockroach name in honour of those who have graduated the thread in spite of the suggested thread names!

@Choux looking back that fits both ILs and my dad. MIL and dad both handling slow declines and w/3 months on end of life. FIL had a more rapid decline and it was 3 days. Acquaintances mum is a long slow decline so sadly I think she'll be on edge for a while.

@Choux the months, weeks, days thing makes sense to me. I have been seeing a week by week decline in DM for some time now. DB sees her daily, for a while too close to see her decline but I think he sees it now.

We are due to go on holiday in just over a week's time. I have warned DH that it is highly likely we wont be going.

@StillNiceCardigan condolences.

And thinking of you @GnomeDePlume .

@StillNiceCardigan Condolences. It's good to hear that the happy memories are bringing you some comfort.
@Choux I hadn't heard the months/weeks/days thing before but with the benefit of hindsight that rings true for my DF. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately?) we didn't realise at the time as he had been living with a chronic condition for years and fully recovered from bouts of similar illness before. Looking back, the last time was very different and if we'd known there were many signs that he was coming to the end. The end was actually mercifully quick, but I fear that with Mum we'll face a slower and more distressing situation.

@StillNiceCardigan Condolences on the loss of your FIL, sounds like he was a blessing in your life.

@GnomeDePlume Really sorry to hear what your mum is going through. It reminds me of how things were for my mum. It was so difficult to her in distress and not be able to alleviate it.

DM's funeral was yesterday. I think we gave her a good send off and it was nice to catch up with the wider family. Now feeling apprehensive of what's to come with DF (90). DB has been staying with him since mum's death, but plans to go home (a 3.5h drive away) at the weekend, which will leave DF living alone with carers twice a day, and me 10 min up the road to sort out shopping/appointments/admin/emergencies etc. He is increasingly doddery and I don't know if it's going to be feasible. We'll just have to see how it goes. DB has done more than his fair share, but I think DF is hoping he's just going home for a break and will come back, but that's not the plan...

@GnomeDePlumeI’m so sorry about your mum… it’s horrible to see someone you love in distress like that, and the helpless feeling is difficult to deal with. Family dynamics on top giving another layer of grief and complexity! Thinking of you

The months/weeks/days thing is interesting. Being AuDHD I find the sheer unpredictability of everything going on incredibly stressful right now, I mean chest pains level of stressful. Maybe I can think on her condition to infer some kind of possibility of a timescale?? Feels horrible even writing that, but I need to stay sane enough to support DH, my teens as well as mil.

@NDornotNDI’m glad the send off went well.

@StillNiceCardigan gentle thoughts for your loss. Those memories will be a comfort to you.
@GnomeDePlume this is being a long painful goodbye for you. Thinking of you.
@NDornotND am glad the send off was peaceful, and hope your DF will be ok.

Hi everyone, thanks as always for the online support. We've moved on again (stepdad has Lewy Body Disease), or should that be "down" as each new thing is a step down rather than a step forward. After the 7th fall, we went off to Falls Clinic which confirmed Parkinsonism (often comorbid with LB dementia). So we got a 4 wheeled walker and a stick and I have now air tagged both of them as he doesn't reliably carry his phone. We got a Falls Alarm from Age UK. They are so nice, such lovely people, and we're really helpful in setting it up.

Since then, in the last month we've had issues with continence. I bought one of those Hygge sheets which my mum says is very good. He is struggling to process things like menus and keeps messing up his phone. I did try to get him a very simple smart phone last year, but no dice.

I feel like everything is moving so quickly - we are less than a year from diagnosis and already things have deteriorated so much. It is a very cruel disease.

Condolences @StillNiceCardigan.

Sorry for your loss @StillNiceCardigan.

@LynnThese4reSEXPEOPLE 💐it is frightening how quickly things can progress. You are always being wrong footed. Always solving yesterday's problems.

I have found this forum an enormous source of strength and support. So many of us are going through this in different ways.

100% agree. The Dementia Nurse commented to my Mum how swept up she was in arranging everything. This is in no small part due to Mumsnet. Even little things like the "Entitled To" website and the WhatsApp ask silver thing - we wouldn't have known about them were it not for MN. So I am very grateful for that. And also for somewhere to vent

In fairness it's actually very hard to imagine a realistic depiction being watchable. There are several films and tv dramas about caring for a dementia patient, and dozens of books, but none of them actually plumb the "Trainspotting" depths.

Hi everyone, it's me, staggering in from a lengthy crisis. Which way is up? Where is the whiskey? Okay no, don't let me drink. I'm going out for a run try to melt the chocolate off my hips.
Hugs to you all.

Oof. Mil out of hospital less than a week and she fell again last night, or rather slipped out of the chair she uses instead of the bed and landed on the floor at 2:30am. Sat on the floor without using her fall alarm or mobile, until she texted DH at ten to 6 to ask him to come around and pick her up. We’re not sleeping well (at least I’m not), waking up at all hours wondering if she’s ok or not. Aaargh.

I'm so sorry @StillNiceCardigan

Mil had Another fall last night… but because DH had said to her yesterday that this is not sustainable she didn’t use her fall alarm, and didn’t use her mobile so didn’t message or call anyone, just waited on the floor til the carers arrived this morning and then insisted that they mustn’t tell anyone. Luckily it’s against their policies to not tell…but she’s lucky they picked her up as technically I don’t think they are supposed to. I just hope they didn’t hurt themselves doing so…

I honestly don’t know if she is making these daft decisions to not call 111 for the falls team, or not call us, or a neighbour, because she genuinely “doesn’t want to be a bother”, or if she actually is dementing so hard overnight she is too confused to remember what to do, or if this is part of some weird guilt trip for us not being there all.the.time.
Not sure what we can do?!

@ThunderFog the ‘Trainspotting’ depths is right - and yes, very unlikely to get that depicted in film or tv!

You have my sympathies. DM did the same for a while, wouldn't take the fall alarm or her phone to bed and then would lie on the floor til the carer arrived. She could get up with help, so they didn't have to lift her thankfully. Its very frustrating. She now takes a chair to bed to help lever herself up....

@NoMoreFluffsToGive I think when our Dad was falling it was as simple a hoping no one would notice or tell on him. When he fell outside once, he refused the ambulance suggested by a good Samaritan who helped him up. He only told me the next day and when I went to patch him up, there was a lot of dried blood and gravel. I tried very hard not to make him feel told off or that he couldn’t ask for help but looking back he should have gone to hospital that time.

There was a lot of downplaying of how bad things were. It is hard for fiercely independent people to come to terms with their own frailty or ask for help and it’s all wrapped up in shame that they can no longer manage like they used to.

I’m reading everyone’s updates and very grateful we have this space to vent and share information. Putting fresh flowers and cake out in the cafe and re-stocking the strong stuff and the magical boundary dust

All gone to shit here. Step-D made my mother cry again, this time accusing her of trying to steal his money (he has a state pension and a lot of the rest of his money was cheerfully handed over to a scammer). I completely lost my temper, said (screamed) a lot of things I frankly don't regret. I would have so much more empathy if he wasn't a nasty, paranoid b*stard before he got LBD but it's just made him worse. The drugs were helping but today Mr Nasty has surfaced.

I am so done. I spent this afternoon baking to try and help with his poor appetite. He is just awful.

@LynnThese4reSEXPEOPLE no reason why you SHOULD regret. I’m sure your mother is your priority rather than him and that makes it more upsetting, having to care for someone you don’t like because someone you love loves them (wow, that turned out a bit more convoluted than I thought!). Is there no way you can leave him to his own devices (ish…you know what I mean) while focusing on your mum? Hand hold.

Thanks. They both live with me (well in attached cottage). Which is the least worst situation given that otherwise I would be feeling all the same issues but then having to drive however many miles to sort things out. Mum and I are going to have dinner together and watch a film in my house.

He has no appreciation of what we do. Just to name a few things;

Arranged a fall clinic appointment
Arranged continence clinic referral
Ordered all the continence supplies on line and researched adult nappy inserts as he's had multiple wee accidents.
Cooked additional dinner every weekend so that he gets something he really enjoys.
Sorted out his phone on the multiple occasions he downloads viruses or malware.
Bought elastic laces and rethreaded all of his shoes
Baked multiple cakes/puddings/milk puddings for his poor appetite
Taken him to the GP
Sorted out his medication
Driven him to A&E and sat with him for multiple hours whilst he had CT scans and sutures after multiple falls (usually because he was doing something bloody stupid).

The list goes on. My Mum, obviously, has done far more as she is retired, whereas I work fulltime.

Every week there is drama and I am so damn sick of it. I'm autistic and I really need my home to be calm (as it can be with 2 smalls). But I'm the bad guy and my waste of skin Stepsister who lives in Portugal is a blooming saint, obviously.

@LynnThese4reSEXPEOPLE I’m at the very start of the journey. Issues have been happening since January
My DF is in the queue for memory clinic. But can’t progress because local hospital isn’t doing CT scans for adults.
My DM and DF are together in their house. DF has depression and I believe dementia of some kind. DM has a head and neck cancer. I have adhd. I don’t live nearby. I come and stay for a week or so.
I have really started putting in boundaries recently eg I only make soup in the soup maker now and all items have to be pre chopped eg frozen chopped veg and chopped chicken pieces. I used to cook DF meals. And freeze them. Now we go get ready meals. 1 because he wasn’t eating them because he doesn’t like to use the oven and 2 because he wants my DM to cook.
I am also scaling back the cleaning when I visit.
I’ve realized it’s ok not to do all the things. It’s ok just to sit with DM.
I said to friends recently I kind of hope that DF does have dementia because if he doesn’t he is basically a selfish narcissistic based on his behavior and they way he is treating DM.
It’s really ok to do less. That way the crisis comes sooner I think.
I had it put into perspective this weekend when DSis came to see parents for the day. She said it was so difficult and awful and she was relieved to leave. And I realized what I am expecting of myself isn’t reasonable and I will make myself ill if I continue.
It’s ok to step back a bit, to decline requests or to no do certain things.

Boundaries are good.

I strongly believe that we do not owe parents longterm care simply because they are our parents. We pay it forward. I love my DCs, care for them, will do what I can to make their lives easier and better.

That obligation does not stretch backwards to DM. TBH, I think she would agree. She did not provide care for her own DM. Her assets are now being used to pay for her care.

It is DB who thinks we should all be rallying round and providing her with daily entertainment. This is probably because he doesnt have DCs of his own, DM has become his child.