How to help our children/loved ones in the future when we’re old and hopefully lovely and manageable

[I8toys]

What advice or actions would you put in place (now that you have the knowledge of dealing with all aspects of elderly care) to assist your loved ones if you lose all rationality or capacity in the future

I’ll start

• Wills
• POA for health and finance
• Funeral plans and wishes
• Decluttering/ downsizing
• Spreadsheet of accounts- savings etc. this helped us so much when Fil lost capacity but we still found all sorts of accounts/ bonds

Downsize and declutter.

Be realistic about your financial needs and care needs.

Keep moving, keep independent for as long as you can - when it's gone, it's gone. Doing something slowly, or with help is better than putting that onto someone else because it's hard.

Plan and pay for your funeral.

Communicate.

Passwords.
Medication lists.
Family history and stories.
Keys labelled.
Photos labelled with who is in them.
Upgrading/refurbising house to make it safe if moving/downsizing is not an option.
List of maintenance jobs that need to be done regularly.
An agreement regarding care around various differing scenarios.

I'm live-in carer for my remaining parent. I'm happy to do this. We have an agreement though that when/if I can no longer cope (medical needs become too great or behaviour becomes a danger), then residential care will be the way forward.

My parents and I had many conversations from when they were in their seventies onwards about aging and how they saw their future. I think it is important to normalise aging and needing help. You all need to be open and honest about expectations and capability. We also talk about dying and death, and what I will do when remaining parent has died. They know that I have planned things and they don't have to worry about me.

Losing the first parent though does bring it all into sharp focus. The fact that we had already discussed a lot of things, made everything easier.

I think decluttering is very important. My mother is a hoarder. I am an only child and I absolutely dread the task of tackling it all some day. I anticipate it perhaps taking a year of weekends.

In my own old age, I will sadly have nobody to help and support me as I have no children or extended family. I am only late 30s but am already thinking about getting rid of some of my own possessions to lighten the load. I plan to move to a retirement village with different levels of care, have minimal possessions and arrange for a charity to pick up my things after I die.

You don't say how old you are but I think one thing that is important is to think about your future living arrangements and staying in your home. Assuming you are in the home you will continue to live in, every time you do improvements, do it with a mind for the future when you might be less mobile or your vision/hearing might be poorer - those things come to us all. Think about how you might use the house differently when you are less able or inclined to go out

I'm not suggesting you put in ramps, grab handles, etc, but you might think about things like a walk in shower, brighter lighting and so on. My Mum had a lot of (overdue) work done on the house when she was c80 - and still very fit. However, at that point we had the bath exchanged for a walk in shower, a higher toilet put in, bright lighting as well as lamps put in the rooms and we specifically redesigned the kitchen so she had a little dining area at the front window, so she could see out, but with a TV so she could keep up with her news addiction.

Now she is 90 and still at home (fingers crossed this continues for a long time!). One of the neighbours came to her party and was telling me she worked in adult social care and was very impressed at the small things we'd done in advance so that Mum was still comfortable in her home.

Accept when you need additional help, a cleaner, gardener, frozen meal deliveries etc, even a carer to support your social life if you don’t need personal care.
I am determined that I won’t sit in a chair and not move all day other than for the toilet as I’ve seen this happen and it’s no life for the sitter or their family.
Get comfortable with the likes of Alexa to play music, audiobooks, close the curtains, control lights, order food/gifts, set reminders for meds/birthdays/appointments. This helps to remain present and not fall into a stupor.

• What level of in home care they need to be independent and the types of places that could offer this. This has been invaluable and is now keeping dad independent at home through a home help / cleaner who now does the washing etc
• What they want as their health declines. We've had very honest convos about different types of illnesses and scenarios and what they want / don't want i.e residential home care, whether they want resus if they have a heart attack, whether they want us to continue to agree ti treatment if they're in a coma etc.
• Who their bank and solicitors are, where they keep the documents and passwords etc
• Back up / recovery of Apple ID etc; we've set this up, along with the apple new service of being nominated in the event of someone's death
• Making the house elderly friendly - i.e. walk in shower, dwonstairs loo etc
• Find out services available locally, and get their numbers - i.e. boiler, tv repairs, taxi firm etc and I started investigating disability shop helps locally for stuff like stair lifts.
• Another one for decluttering. Mum died in '23 and we've systematically gone through cupboards etc with my Dad and there's been so much stuff we've got rid of, but there is so much more!

What everyone else has said, plus downstairs bathroom and something we did when we renovated our house in our mid fifties, was to have plugs points stated at hip height rather than at skirting height. I do not understand why this is not done generally.

Ensure your children know what you want and get tax planning in place to minimise IHT as early as possible.

@unsync has it with normalise aging and needing help. @hagchic has it with communicate.

My number one is developing the habit of decluttering all the time and mindful purchasing, after clearing a hoarder’s house and knowing my own is on the same path.

Also communicate - discussing my wishes with family.

Thank you for the thread @I8toys as this is much needed and really appreciate people sharing what has gone right.

I think you know the big things, and so much covered already. Some of these are quite personal to us (FIL) so please don’t take offence.

Do not retire to the country, or to a nice village where you think the community will rally round- they get bored pretty quickly and it’s a nightmare getting transport and support.

Swedish death cleaning, and a cleaner. Have numbers for a gardener and a decorator- not your DC’s job.

Try to remember that your working DC (with children of their own perhaps) have 24 hours in a day and just because they’re not at work does not mean they’re available.

Being deliberately filthy, and weaponised incompetence, is not unavoidable with age, and your family don’t enjoy spending that time with you.

Stay active- even when it hurts- you’ll rot a lot faster and permanently lose the ability to walk/stand/climb unaided if you vegetate.

Try to retain interests and friends so you’re not calling your DC every 20 mins though boredom.

Oh and cash in the bloody ‘family home’ your DC don’t want it, they want to spend the money on care so they know you’re ok.

For me I don't want to lumber my children with the shite (no other word to describe it) we've had over the last couple of years so am trying to be pro-active and not repeat the mistakes.

Live close to a good hospital.

The things my mother did right -

• POA for finances
• updated will
• simplifying accounts, and writing down all the details
• make sure she lived on a bus route.

Plus also being a great mum.

I'm doing the thinking ahead about house renovation stuff.

Also... accepting that shit happens. Even if you do everything right, life comes at you.

My DM lives a couple of hours away. She has gone out of her way to 'build her village' - so she has a large range of people she can call on for help eg next door neighbour does her computer, man in house opposite has sublet her garden, cleaner's husband does all handyman jobs etc etc

She is due to go into hospital soon and she already has a whole network of informal carers ready to look after her when she gets home.

Basically it turns out people will do a lot for you if you are always nice to them and spontaneously give them cake.

Walk in shower in place of bath
Will in place
Book of final wises completed
Password for file on internet containing all information on my gas, electric, water account numbers and suppliers
Bank account details plus pass codes
Medical details of which medication I'm on and dosage. GP name and number.
Details of all my btl houses, names of tenants, their contact details amount of rent they pay and copies of contracts in filing cupboard along with details of gas certificate dates, EPC ratings and dates for renewal plus names of lenders and rates plus expiry of fixed term.
Details of French house, deeds in safe plus who has a spare key and key code for key box. French bank account details.
Details of my share certificates and bond accounts.
Jewellery photographed and listed against who I want to inherit each piece on my computer file.
A personal letter for each of my DC and my foster son setting out their personal attributes I love and admire and a memory I hold very dear to my heart involving them.
A personal letter for my DH.
Cash in safe so number and letter code to safe.

A personal letter for each of my DC and my foster son setting out their personal attributes I love and admire and a memory I hold very dear to my heart involving them.

@caringcarer this is so lovely, what a perfect inheritance to leave.

I think decluttering is very important. My mother is a hoarder. My father is a hoarder, or at least a “keep it, it might come in useful” person (he doesn’t keep rubbish or toenail clippings or any of the things true hoarders keep) I’d far rather have to go through all his stuff than find he has disposed of things I care about. He’s already disposed of a beautiful lace stole I made for my mother. So don’t double-guess your DC.

I’ve made a list of everything valuable for sentimental or financial reasons, so at least they can make an informed decision.

Label family photos.

Be prepared to pay for help. Say thank you to your DC - that’s made all the difference about how I feel about my father.

Oh, and write out a care manual for yourself, although personal details you wouldn’t share with DC but someone will need to know about when you can no longer care for yourself

Great advice above.

In addition:

Get rid of all assets/money so your family don't see all your hard work going on paying for care whilst those who haven't contributed much get all their care paid for by the state.

You are all aware that both care in the home and care homes have completely different charge rates for social services and private funded care I assume? Those who pay privately and have probably contributed far more in terms of taxes etc. still fund the care for others in addition to their own care. The UK system is straight out of Sherwood Forest.

Another thing based on my DM vs my MIL.

Be someone your adult DCs (and also their partners) actually want to spend time with. Without emotional manipulation.

Make sure they have somewhere habitable to stay - a double bed, a room that isn't freezing cold, a working shower. All MIL's DCs stopped seeing her for this reason and therefore she didn't see the GCs either.

MIL also made it quite clear to the partners that we were beneath her family. While my DM makes a big song and dance about my DH being her favourite SIL, makes dinners he likes, we always have a cake to take away.

Result is that DH is a lot keener on seeing my DM than his.

I'd say the opposite of the PP. you don't want to be limited to state funding for care as you/your relatives will have to fight for it and you'll probably end up sitting on your own in the same room as a commode with four short visits from carers per day. If they turn up. Far better to have enough in savings/house value to be able to choose where you live and how you live in the future.

Don't have loads of bank accounts. It just makes life difficult for the person looking after your affairs.

Don't be a cow. If you cultivate a range of relationships with a wide range of people of different ages then you will have people who care enough to visit and spend time with you. This will also help keep you engaged.

Live somewhere sensible with good public transport and access to shops, GP, dentist and community facilities.

Stay active.

You can pay the British Heart Foundation to clear the house for you. It’s what we will do when PIL go.

My Dad on the other hand has a lot less but wants help with decluttering now.

Will is sorted and appointed a lawyer as executor so it’s not left to someone else, give away most of my money in good time to my friends kids so it doesn’t all go to the tax man or a private equity care home.

I’m an only child and unlikely to have kids myself so hoping assisted dying is well sorted by then tbh

Following

I understand why people feel it unfair that those paying privately are subsidising the LA authority funded residents in care homes, but I think the idea of deliberately running assets down is not that wise. What happens if you need a lot of help, but aren't at the stage of needing a care home? People seem to think the LA will just swoop in and save you. It doesn't work like that. If you aren't assessed as needing care, it won't be provided. You will be at home reliant on relatives and perhaps putting a great deal of stress on them. Everyone needs to save money for their old age to give them the best chance of being able to choose the option which works best for them when / if that stage of life comes.

My situation is scary in that I have no relatives to help me, so maybe that's why I give this a lot of thought and consideration, but saving and preparing for old age really is a top priority for me (and I am only late 30s). I do appreciate however that with the cost of living etc, not everyone is able to save.

I am an only child without children too. Does the future scare you, may I ask? Or do you just think you will take it as it comes? Assisted dying scares me, but I can see how in many ways it's better than being left to potentially rot away alone in the social care system.