How to help our children/loved ones in the future when we’re old and hopefully lovely and manageable

[I8toys]

What advice or actions would you put in place (now that you have the knowledge of dealing with all aspects of elderly care) to assist your loved ones if you lose all rationality or capacity in the future

I’ll start

• Wills
• POA for health and finance
• Funeral plans and wishes
• Decluttering/ downsizing
• Spreadsheet of accounts- savings etc. this helped us so much when Fil lost capacity but we still found all sorts of accounts/ bonds

Sorry I didn't mean to cause upset. I think I'm terrified of my children hating me by becoming this inflexible and demanding person who is so far removed from the parent they know when I'm older.

I've seen dementia and what it does to what was a wonderful loving caring mum. Old age, fear and illness changes a person. My DH has had to buy his own birthday card from his parents this year which really upset me. His mum never asks how he is - he has advanced prostate cancer - and is more concerned about money. I know its the illness but if they had put in place some of things mentioned in this thread our lives could have been easier and with less resentment.

So sorry AuntieMarys.

Thank you. It's making it all very final, taking his name off everything. A difficult time

All losses of loved ones are dreadful, but that of a son or daughter even more so. So sorry @AuntieMarys

@AuntieMarys i am so very sorry for your loss

@I8toys Don't worry, no upset caused!

he has advanced prostate cancer My DH too. Rubbish, isn't it?

I'm lucky that my DF, although with severe cognitive impairment (he lives in a different world from the rest of us) doesn't have dementia, and hasn't lost his manners. He was a bit ratty with me yesterday, but still managed to thank me, and he's unfailingly polite to the carers and nurses, who therefore all love him. Scary that your experience in a care home/nursing home will depend on a personality characteristic that you will have no control over.

It is awful. DH is now retired at 54 so we are setting up a peer support group for younger men affected by prostate cancer as he was getting fed up with all the groups being for older men who are retired and whose children have flown the nest. Their main concern was it affecting their golf swing. It is something positive to come out of this rubbish situation.

It is awful. DH is now retired at 54 so we are setting up a peer support group for younger men affected by prostate cancer as he was getting fed up with all the groups being for older men who are retired and whose children have flown the nest. Their main concern was it affecting their golf swing. It is something positive to come out of this rubbish situation.

That is bad luck. No amount of insisting on precautionary PSA tests could have seen that coming. Do you get fed up of all the well-meaning people who say “my father/uncle/neighbour had prostate cancer, one set of treatment and it has gone completely “?

@AuntieMarys so sorry for your loss. What an awful thing to happen.

I wish!

I was thrilled to read this, went to the website, typed in my postcode and was told they didn't do it in my area. (South Oxfordshire).

Oh yes. My -insert relative here - was 84 when he got prostate cancer and is watching and waiting. Its really not the same thing at all. We find more support with other cancer sufferers (not sure that's the right word but you know what I mean) who are DH's age. Its not the same when you are retired, no mortgage and very few responsibilities. We have children and parents to sort out whilst dealing with cancer.

Such a good question.

As a childfree retired woman, spending my last £15,000 on a one way ticket to Dignitas is currently part of my plan. It would be nice if the UK made some progress in this area, but hey. Some other European countries seem to be moving in that direction too, albeit slowly.

Yeah, I'd forgotten about the "watching and waiting". My DH is that age group, but the only watching and waiting we do is the three monthly PSA test to see if the cancer has produced the inevitable mutation to allow it to feed on something other than testosterone. No quick radiotherapy when you already have secondaries in spine and lymph glands.

Though I understand doing all this while still the mother of young rather than adult DC is a whole different ball game.

Do you have a Maggies centre near you?

Is that because you don't feel you will get good care without children to watch out for you? That is my fear.

Not especially.

I've watched my father and my mother die in the care of an NHS hospital and an expensive care home, respectively. I'm one of four children. We did our best. I wouldn't want either of their deaths.

Good luck, especially with the chosing where to retire to. Rent before you buy if you can - I did and think I've made the right decision.

As for scattered friends, me too. The real problem is that so many of my younger friends have died, compared to the much-older-than-me ones. How can that happen?

Yes we do the 3 monthly tests. And yes we use Maggie's - it's been brilliant for my husband.

@I8toys you have my sympathy!

Agree, the inference (as they are savvy enough not to outright lie) that this will somehow save your next of kin money shouldn’t be allowed in my view. It’s just scaremongering. What do people think happens to those who have no family, they just don’t get buried, bodies piling up in the street? Granted it’s a basic cremation but that’s what a lot of these funeral plans are touting.

Granted it’s a basic cremation but that’s what a lot of these funeral plans are touting.. A council funeral can also be a burial. The one I attended had a celebrant and a half hour ceremony which mourners attended.

I’m going to say not just do your wills as in ‘make sure you have a will’, make sure there is full transparency with everyone who stands to inherit especially if you have a blended family or there’s any kind of room for tension. Have that conversation with them all and in your lifetime deal with any of the issues that your will choices create- don’t leave it for people to be upset about after you’re dead.

Ditto in your house. Have that conversation, put anything that people want to have of yours listed in a spreadsheet and put stickers on the object itself so they know it’s for whoever. Make the list known so that it’s easy to separate things out. So many people I know a well meaning relative has done the wrong thing with precious sentimental items.

So many people I know a well meaning relative has done the wrong thing with precious sentimental items.

My mum and aunt did this and I know my mum still feels bad about it. They helped Grandma to clear many of her possessions so she could sell her home and move into residential care (she had dementia).

DM and Auntie had no idea that a couple of items were handmade by a lovely relative who had died decades earlier, and that Grandma wanted them passed down as family heirlooms. Grandma never told them and they only found out after her death, from her will.

Unfortunately, the items had been sold years earlier at a car boot sale, so were untraceable.

So many people I know a well meaning relative has done the wrong thing with precious sentimental items.
Then they were not precious sentimental items to the remaining family. In that case isn’t it best they’re bought by someone who likes them rather than stuffed away in a cupboard by someone who feels obliged to keep them?

In this context though I mean, an item was left by the deceased to A (who did want it) but B had unknowingly already done something else with it. Sometimes in a not reversible situation.

We ended up taking most things to the tip. We had no clue of their relevance to the past. When you are under pressure and a deadline there is no time to sort through things. We obviously salvaged things which we knew belonged to certain family members but to be honest when it comes to hoarding you just want to be rid of it. There is no need for multiple amounts of everything - saved just in case.