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Elderly parents

How to help our children/loved ones in the future when we’re old and hopefully lovely and manageable

181 replies

I8toys · 05/01/2025 11:56

What advice or actions would you put in place (now that you have the knowledge of dealing with all aspects of elderly care) to assist your loved ones if you lose all rationality or capacity in the future

I’ll start

  • Wills
  • POA for health and finance
  • Funeral plans and wishes
  • Decluttering/ downsizing
  • Spreadsheet of accounts- savings etc. this helped us so much when Fil lost capacity but we still found all sorts of accounts/ bonds
OP posts:
Sittingontheporch · 17/01/2025 14:57

Same - we pretty much chucked everything out, to the extent that the book guy who'd come round kept ringing me up to tell me what the house clearance guy was doing and were we sure. My mother was obsessed with possessions as she got a lot of sense of status from having inherited so many of them. As a consequence they spent tens of thousands on a storage unit when they downsized (to a four-bedroomed, very spacious house).

My brother and I got sort of giddy when trying to make decisions about what to save, egging each other on to greater heights of ruthlessness. Sometimes I feel a cold sweat when I think about how incredibly careless and cavalier we were. But every time I dithered, I just imagined my children coming across endless musty boxes as we were and going 'wtf is this? Why did they keep this?' and then I found it easier. As for the antiques, oh my goodness, they sold for buttons.

It's really changed my attitude towards stuff. I really think you want to give as much away, money and valuables, in your lifetime and then let house clearers do the rest. Oh and acquire less to begin with.

hagchic · 17/01/2025 21:38

I'm planning a Granny Weatherwax.

I want my house swept clean, my affairs all in order before I head out the door to play cards with death.

It probably won't happen that way but I can hope.

Ohgodthisishard · 17/01/2025 21:56

Sittingontheporch · 17/01/2025 14:57

Same - we pretty much chucked everything out, to the extent that the book guy who'd come round kept ringing me up to tell me what the house clearance guy was doing and were we sure. My mother was obsessed with possessions as she got a lot of sense of status from having inherited so many of them. As a consequence they spent tens of thousands on a storage unit when they downsized (to a four-bedroomed, very spacious house).

My brother and I got sort of giddy when trying to make decisions about what to save, egging each other on to greater heights of ruthlessness. Sometimes I feel a cold sweat when I think about how incredibly careless and cavalier we were. But every time I dithered, I just imagined my children coming across endless musty boxes as we were and going 'wtf is this? Why did they keep this?' and then I found it easier. As for the antiques, oh my goodness, they sold for buttons.

It's really changed my attitude towards stuff. I really think you want to give as much away, money and valuables, in your lifetime and then let house clearers do the rest. Oh and acquire less to begin with.

Totally agree 💯 👍

FiniteSagacity · 17/01/2025 23:46

@Sittingontheporch thank you for sharing - I need to hold onto that ‘wtf did DF keep this for’ and apply to my own stuff so my DC don’t have the same to deal with that we did. Exactly like you and @I8toys we had to just make a lot of decisions to move forward.

countrygirl99 · 18/01/2025 05:44

Getting rid of your assets is the last thing you should do if you want to make your DC lives easier when you are old. How else are you going to pay for a cleaner/gardener/house maintenance/ someone to get you to appointments/docial activities, because the local authorities won't. If you can't pay who do you think will get lumbered with this stuff? Yep, your kids or it won't happen.

Bejinxed · 18/01/2025 11:48

SockFluffInTheBath · 17/01/2025 11:59

So many people I know a well meaning relative has done the wrong thing with precious sentimental items.
Then they were not precious sentimental items to the remaining family. In that case isn’t it best they’re bought by someone who likes them rather than stuffed away in a cupboard by someone who feels obliged to keep them?

My grandmother had hard back copies of every Chalet School book which she had promised to me as I would read them voraciously when I went to stay with her. Unfortunately she didn't tell my aunts who tipped them.

It was slightly satisfying to point out how much second hand value they'd missed out on - but granny really should have said clearly in her will!

It is a lesson not just to do the basics - at the moment DH and I have wills which divide everything straight down the middle between our two DC but as we get older and have more things that do have some value or some sentiment attached (mostly jewellery or pictures) we probably need to specify what should happen to them and that everything else can be cleared.

Bejinxed · 18/01/2025 11:50

Sittingontheporch · 17/01/2025 14:57

Same - we pretty much chucked everything out, to the extent that the book guy who'd come round kept ringing me up to tell me what the house clearance guy was doing and were we sure. My mother was obsessed with possessions as she got a lot of sense of status from having inherited so many of them. As a consequence they spent tens of thousands on a storage unit when they downsized (to a four-bedroomed, very spacious house).

My brother and I got sort of giddy when trying to make decisions about what to save, egging each other on to greater heights of ruthlessness. Sometimes I feel a cold sweat when I think about how incredibly careless and cavalier we were. But every time I dithered, I just imagined my children coming across endless musty boxes as we were and going 'wtf is this? Why did they keep this?' and then I found it easier. As for the antiques, oh my goodness, they sold for buttons.

It's really changed my attitude towards stuff. I really think you want to give as much away, money and valuables, in your lifetime and then let house clearers do the rest. Oh and acquire less to begin with.

I agree - and actually if you clear out a lot of the dross beforehand , it is much easier for those dealing with it all to have time and space to find homes for anything good.

caramac04 · 18/01/2025 12:45

My eldest DD is executor and we agree that all DC can choose anything they want whether it be a photo or a washing machine - they won’t argue over stuff - then get house clearance in. Probably a local charity who collect furniture will get most of that stuff.

Sittingontheporch · 18/01/2025 16:23

@Bejinxed I really don't blame your aunts here, it is such a nightmare clearing stuff out and the vast, vast majority is worthless. I don't think your grandmother should have been clearer in her will, I think she should have given them to you while she was still alive - that way she'd have saved aunts bother, she'd have saved on will complication and she'd have got to see you enjoy the gift. What possible reason did she have to keep them? That's the lesson I'd take from it.

@countrygirl99 I'm not suggesting you get rid of all your assets but there are sensible calculations you can do. I'm going to live likely x amount of years, if I need care that will cost x amount per year, add on 50% to be on the safe side and then see if you've anything left over and give it away. My father was really tight with his money, none of it actually earned or inherited by him, and it would have given so much more joy and security to others to have given some of it away during his lifetime. Like my brother needed a bridging loan for a very short amount of time when he was buying his house and Dad wouldn't help out, when now that we have full oversight of the finances we realise he could have so easily done.

billysboy · 18/01/2025 17:02

My Fil took out an equity release about 10 years ago which he spent on cruises etc
both now in their eighties in an unsuitable isolated house and half acre garden with only state pension
i tried to persuade them to downsize 10 years ago and use that as a way of buying a more suitable house in a community as well as giving them some cash

ime people do not downsize soon enough

caramac04 · 19/01/2025 14:42

@billysboy I take your point re downsizing but to be completely honest the costs involved ie stamp duty, legal fees, estate agents plus movers puts me right off. We have insulated our home as much as possible, are on a planned programme of maintenance and refurbishment. We both accept that at some point we will probably need a gardener and a cleaner - possibly carers. We know we can fit a stairlift if needed.
Meanwhile we are ‘blocking’ the market but not prepared to downsize if all the equity released goes on the smaller house and fees as above.
We are also decluttering. DH is less good at this than I but I’m putting a bit of pressure on as I don’t want to leave a load of useless clutter around after we die.

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 19/01/2025 15:52

If people give their assets away then they have no control.

HoraceGoesBonkers · 22/01/2025 16:12

I guess another one is discussing end of life care and communicating it clearly, as well as funeral plans.

My DF told us over and over he didn't want to end up in a care home and we were to euthanise him if this was the case (I'm not sure how we were meant to organise this but, he definitely didn't want to be kept alive).

I only saw his "end of life" wishes document after he'd had a possible EOL situation where my mum shouted over me when I tried to tell the consultant he didn't have the best quality of life.

The blimmin' form was a shitty template provided by a charity that had a tick box chart about in what circumstances that he didn't want to stay alive that he'd changed part of (it was about being kept alive when he couldn't walk) and initialled, and I very strongly suspect he wouldn't have been in sound mind at the point the change was made.

There was also a written bit where he said that he followed the beliefs of his religious group on euthanasia. But he didn't explicitly say what these were and his particular denomination get together to decide on big issues so did he mean what they had agreed now or what the policy was at any point in the future?

There seemed to be more thought about who was going to turn up to his big bedside death scene.

He also bizarrely wrote in it that he wasn't sure if he believed in an afterlife anyway, which was something of a surprise after being dragged to church for years.

It all read like it was something cooked up by my Mum that really, really should have been talked through with... I don't know. A lawyer or doctor probably. Or at least someone familiar with decisions over end of life care. It was contradictory and of very little practical use; nothing about continuing treatment or vaccinations or any other medical interventions.

I know these documents don't always count for a lot but it left me feeling very confused and angry. They knew he had a degenerative disease and going into a home was a distinct possibility but the whole thing was completely garbled, not least because there was no explanation at any point, in writing or verbally about why his position had changed and what he did actually want to happen.

He's still alive after 2.5 years in a pretty much vegetative state in a nursing home.

Strawberriesandpears · 22/01/2025 17:59

The thread is so worrying for those of us without children or any other relatives. I worry myself sick about how I am going to navigate old age alone. Sometimes I just hope I die young.

funnelfan · 22/01/2025 18:11

Strawberriesandpears · 22/01/2025 17:59

The thread is so worrying for those of us without children or any other relatives. I worry myself sick about how I am going to navigate old age alone. Sometimes I just hope I die young.

As you’ve been told on other threads, you need to focus on living life now, as you are still young. Worrying to the point it impacts your life now is not healthy.

Orangesandlemons77 · 22/01/2025 18:12

Strawberriesandpears · 22/01/2025 17:59

The thread is so worrying for those of us without children or any other relatives. I worry myself sick about how I am going to navigate old age alone. Sometimes I just hope I die young.

Your thoughts and feelings are valid.

Strawberriesandpears · 22/01/2025 18:20

funnelfan · 22/01/2025 18:11

As you’ve been told on other threads, you need to focus on living life now, as you are still young. Worrying to the point it impacts your life now is not healthy.

I know. It's just I wish it was a problem I could 'solve'.

SockFluffInTheBath · 22/01/2025 18:23

Strawberriesandpears · 22/01/2025 17:59

The thread is so worrying for those of us without children or any other relatives. I worry myself sick about how I am going to navigate old age alone. Sometimes I just hope I die young.

Take from it to bring in help before you need it, same as those of us who don’t want to burden family. It’s good to have the heads-up rather than sleepwalking into being unable to cope.

Strawberriesandpears · 22/01/2025 18:34

SockFluffInTheBath · 22/01/2025 18:23

Take from it to bring in help before you need it, same as those of us who don’t want to burden family. It’s good to have the heads-up rather than sleepwalking into being unable to cope.

Agreed. I plan to move to a retirement village with step care. I just wish I could guarantee myself a place there to put my mind at rest!

Boffle · 22/01/2025 18:55

Sittingontheporch · 17/01/2025 14:57

Same - we pretty much chucked everything out, to the extent that the book guy who'd come round kept ringing me up to tell me what the house clearance guy was doing and were we sure. My mother was obsessed with possessions as she got a lot of sense of status from having inherited so many of them. As a consequence they spent tens of thousands on a storage unit when they downsized (to a four-bedroomed, very spacious house).

My brother and I got sort of giddy when trying to make decisions about what to save, egging each other on to greater heights of ruthlessness. Sometimes I feel a cold sweat when I think about how incredibly careless and cavalier we were. But every time I dithered, I just imagined my children coming across endless musty boxes as we were and going 'wtf is this? Why did they keep this?' and then I found it easier. As for the antiques, oh my goodness, they sold for buttons.

It's really changed my attitude towards stuff. I really think you want to give as much away, money and valuables, in your lifetime and then let house clearers do the rest. Oh and acquire less to begin with.

What struck me when clearing my mother's house was that the things that had huge sentimental value for her meant nothing to me.
My first shoes, a 61 year old pair of worn out baby shoes. Photos of dogs going back 80 years.
Sis and I were ruthless. A local charity got everything except for two boxes of papers.

I am making the getting rid of stuff a continuous process.

CrotchetyQuaver · 22/01/2025 19:10

A downstairs shower room if planning on staying put plus a room that can become a bedroom if it's needed
Declutter declutter declutter.
Don't go into denial rather than deal with an issue - for example driving or incontinence.

Don't try and bully your adult kids into doing what you want.
Show your appreciation when it's going well

Badbadbunny · 22/01/2025 19:23

Not much to add really, but I'd say to give full details of all the things that are online these days, such as utilities, bank accounts, etc., so that your nearest and dearest can quickly see what bank accounts/investments you have, who your utilities are provided by, references for council tax and water rates, etc. In the past, it may have been a ballache, but usually all this could be found by wading through the paperwork in the house, but now things are online, there's often nothing "physical" to tell those left behind about such practical matters.

I'd also say not only to declutter, but to downsize whilst you're still able, i.e. move to a smaller, more suitable home, or assisted living or over 55 flat, etc., which will make mobility easier (i.e. lifts or all on ground floor), walk in shower rather than a bath, also move closer to local amenities such as shops, chemist, GP surgery, etc. The more you can do yourself, the less you're reliant on friends/family to do the drudgery and what time they spend with you can be quality time. There's also the aspect of "use it or lose it" both physically and mentally, so by moving and downsizing, you should be able to keep independent longer and do more for yourself for longer.

As others have said, wills, POA, letter of wishes for funeral (or better still a pre-paid, pre-planned funeral).

Do as much as you can in terms of modern technology, i.e. smart phones, laptop, apps, "smart" meters, Ring door bell, etc., and a brilliant idea above to say use Alexa or similar to get accustomed to voice recognition and what it can do, i.e. play music, listen to radio, turn on "smart" devices, etc. Tech is only going one way and the older you are, before you try to embrace it, the harder it will be- if you try to embrace it whilst you've got your faculties, you'll be able to use it for longer and can use it for your benefit rather than because you have to!

Badbadbunny · 22/01/2025 19:31

Strawberriesandpears · 22/01/2025 17:59

The thread is so worrying for those of us without children or any other relatives. I worry myself sick about how I am going to navigate old age alone. Sometimes I just hope I die young.

In that scenario, I'd be looking at moving myself into sheltered accommodation/assisted living or over 55 complex as soon as I reached the age criteria. Plenty of them are pretty good for "active" people. You have the benefit of being somewhere designed for older people, i.e. lifts, flats all on one floor, walk in showers, etc., so you're pretty much future proofed against at least the earlier stages of physical issues. You can pick one with a "community" feel that suits you, i.e. avoid the ones where the communal areas are more like care homes with people sat around asleep! You get benefits of things like a communal laundry if you don't want to do your own.

I used to have a relative who moved into one when she was around 60 and she absolutely loved it - didn't do the "communal" thing at first as she was still working full time, so it was basically just a flat for her and she was only on "nodding" terms with people living there who she'd meet in the corridor. But as the years passed, and certainly once she gave up work, she got more involved with the community, joined in the "clubs and societies" they did, and if I remember rightly, she stayed living there until her mid 80s, when dementia set in and she needed "proper" care.

I know some of them are pretty grim, especially the older ones where residents have been living for a few decades since opening as they'll obviously have an older demographic, but the more newly built ones tend to have a younger cohort and more dynamic.

Orangesandlemons77 · 22/01/2025 19:33

Strawberriesandpears · 22/01/2025 18:34

Agreed. I plan to move to a retirement village with step care. I just wish I could guarantee myself a place there to put my mind at rest!

If you because vulnerable with no family around you could self refer to social services and have a social worker? Maybe that would put your mind at rest a bit.

Do you have any siblings / friends you could give power of attorney too?

Strawberriesandpears · 22/01/2025 19:55

Badbadbunny · 22/01/2025 19:31

In that scenario, I'd be looking at moving myself into sheltered accommodation/assisted living or over 55 complex as soon as I reached the age criteria. Plenty of them are pretty good for "active" people. You have the benefit of being somewhere designed for older people, i.e. lifts, flats all on one floor, walk in showers, etc., so you're pretty much future proofed against at least the earlier stages of physical issues. You can pick one with a "community" feel that suits you, i.e. avoid the ones where the communal areas are more like care homes with people sat around asleep! You get benefits of things like a communal laundry if you don't want to do your own.

I used to have a relative who moved into one when she was around 60 and she absolutely loved it - didn't do the "communal" thing at first as she was still working full time, so it was basically just a flat for her and she was only on "nodding" terms with people living there who she'd meet in the corridor. But as the years passed, and certainly once she gave up work, she got more involved with the community, joined in the "clubs and societies" they did, and if I remember rightly, she stayed living there until her mid 80s, when dementia set in and she needed "proper" care.

I know some of them are pretty grim, especially the older ones where residents have been living for a few decades since opening as they'll obviously have an older demographic, but the more newly built ones tend to have a younger cohort and more dynamic.

I have thought about this as a solution to my problem. I have found an amazing place locally that I would actually be very happy to live in, I think. You can live there from age 55 (in the independent living part) and then there are levels of care you can move through, right up to dementia care. I think the people who have lived in the independent section get priority for the other services if their needs change.

I just hope it's still available when I am old enough! It's 17 years until I am 55!

Thank you for sharing your relative's story. 😊

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