Donor Egg for 2nd child

[aaaarti]

Hi all - I have a 4 year old daughter but after 2 miscarriages, I found out I have POI. So now after 3 failed IVF cycles, we are looking into donor eggs. Just wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation as I'd love to have a chat! X

Hello, sorry to read about your situation. I am in a similar situation so know how hard it is. I had my first child (almost 4) and then when I tried for my second i then had two mc and found out I have a really low amh. We are going to try IVF but I've been told I am aiming for one egg and it might not work. I am thinking of donor eggs as it gives me hope I will be able to have a second.

Hi @Mac425

So glad you replied and can't believe we are in similar situations. I was very reluctant to have a second child through donor egg but now I feel as if I can't wait. I still do get emotional thinking about it but more emotional over my POI diagnosis and love hate relationship with my body. How are you feeling?

I'm quite open to it but worried about family reaction and I do worry about the future too. I've started to talk to my mum about it and I think she knows how difficult the last year has been so is being supportive.
So we are having IVF in the summer and then if it doesn't work I think donor eggs will be our next step as our odds are so so low.
I imagine three rounds of IVF has been really hard for you. Is your clinic going to help you with donor eggs or you going elsewhere? Have you spoken to family?

@aaaarti forgot to tag you

I have a 5 month old child born from a donor egg. My eldest is 6. I have had 8 rounds of IVF in total. My first time ended in miscarriage, my second is my eldest. Then the path to my baby was rocky, but so worth it.

@Mac425 I have spoke about my infertility to work friends but not with family. As much as I want to, I feel it may be too much for my mum to handle and coming from an Indian background, egg donor is seemed 'unnatural' for the older generation. I get what you mean about the future - I've heard you should talk to the child and be honest but I don't think I'd want to tell them.
Wishing you all the luck in your IVF journey! 3 rounds was tough, more mentally draining than physically for me.
I have contacted a few clinics as price varies so much but I feel comfortable going with my previous clinic as I know the place and nurses (Create St Pauls). How are you feeling about IVF?

@Snugglemonkey Hiya! Did you ever fear the connection? Will you be telling your child the truth about their conception? Sorry for so many questions!

I had some counselling before proceeding with it and it helped to work through my feelings. I did sometimes worry about the connection, but I love her so much. The second she was born I knew I would never have that worry again. The bond between the children is wonderful.

I will tell her when she is still tiny, so it is just part of our family story. My older child is fully aware of being an IVF baby etc. so we will handle it the same. Part of me does not want to share the egg donation bit ,but I believe secrets breed shame. I grew her from my body, she is part of me just like her sibling and I want her to know that. She is also the result of a precious gift from an altruistic donor, so I don't think it is right to hide that.

I do worry that she might feel different, but I see it as our job to bolster her self esteem and make it so strong that she is very secure in herself and her place in our family.

@Snugglemonkey thank you for sharing your story. And it's great to hear it's going well.

@aaaarti I'm dreading the IVF especially when it's unlikely to be successful.
I'm glad you have someone to talk to as it's difficult. I know what you mean about the older generation.

Hi everyone, @aaaarti @Snugglemonkey @Mac425 I just want to share that I'm in the same boat, and it's really reassuring to hear from other people who have been through this before, or are considering it now. We have a 3 year old who was conceived quickly (though after two miscarriages), but we've been trying for almost 2.5 years for a second and nothing has happened. We did IVF for the better part of 2022 but it didn't work - my ovarian reserve was clearly declining rapidly, and my husband has sperm issues too. So we're now moving ahead with an egg donor. I'm happy we're moving ahead, but also have a lot of mixed feelings about it, and we still retain hope that somehow, miraculously, I'll get pregnant naturally in the next few months. But after trying for so long I know it's so unliekly. And I'm happy to have this option, and feel so grateful for the donor. One thing I really struggle with is how open we should be (beyond the child and close friends and family, who of course we would tell). It just seems different somehow if you have a non-donor child as well - I would never want the donor-conceived to feel less-than or different.

Also I think the older your child gets, the farther away that newborn phase is - I'm desperate for a baby, but I do think it's harder in some ways with the lengths that you go to with a donor, the time it takes, and I worry about the widening age gap... though I know it's so silly and will make it easier too. So anyway really reassuring to hear from some of you on the other side of this! Did anyone here go through altrui?

I have a 4 year old conceived naturally. But then when trying for a second found I had a really low ovarian reserve and did not respond well to egg stimulation at all. So we went down the donor egg route. We are lucky enough to now have 10 month old identical twins (1 embryo split in 2) through the donor egg. I honestly can say the twins feel completely like my daughters and I actually forget they came from a donor egg. My family and close friends all know they are donor egg but to be honest they also forget this most the time. For example family members often say "they have your exact eyes" forgetting that genetically they are not my eyes! But I honestly feel exactly the same to the twins as my 4 year old and so do all the family. My family is so complete now and I am so unbelievably grateful for someone's generous gift of my 2 amazing girls.

Also to let you know it didn't take me very long with the donor route. I can't remember exactly. But I think we were matched with a suitable donor within a couple of weeks of signing up with a UK clinic. We then had to match cycles and work around the donors wish for dates. So from being matched to having the embryos implanted was about 3-4 months. Basically in less than a year from contacting a clinic I had had the twins!

@Donimo thank you for sharing.

@Mac425 Wishing you all the best and always here if you need to talk! X

@Lola245 I completely understand the bit where you still have hope that you will just fall pregnant. I have this every month even though I am so done with ovulation sex! We have decided that we won't tell our families about our donor egg child if we are successful as we already believe that child is ours (if that makes sense). I haven't been through Altrui but I have come across them on my search on the HFEA website. How are you feeling about it all?

HI @Donimo ..Thank you for sharing your story, it has definitely made me feel more positive. Which clinic did you go ahead with? I'm so glad it was a quick process for you - I hope I find a donor quickly!

Yes @Donimo thank you so much for sharing your story - it has made me feel more hopeful about this journey as well! And it's great to hear how quickly it moved for you. Yes, which clinic did you use, and how did you find the donor?

We signed up with Altrui in March, and were matched within a week! Which was a bit of a shock, and it's a strange decision to make. The donor wasn't a hair colour/height match for me, but we just had a nice feeling from her responses and went with it. And my son has different colour hair to me anyway. But then it's taken 6 weeks or so for her to have her initial appointments/screenings done, which then take 4-6 weeks to wait for results. So I doubt the egg collection would even happen until late June/July at the very earliest. But maybe it's good to have the delay to mentally prepare...

@aaaarti I do think working out what to tell people is complicated. I like the idea of a middle ground, only telling family and close friends, but I wonder if it would get confusing, remembering who knows and who doesn't, and strange having an element of secrecy around it. I think if this actually works and I get pregnant (which seems hard to imagine right now), then we'd have some counselling sessions to work out what to do. BAsically, cross that bridge if we actually get there!

@aaaarti and @Lola245 we used nurture fertility in Nottingham.

Also @Lola245 my donors hair colour was different to mine but it doesn't bother me and I have blonde girls but my husband was blonde as a baby and is now dark. And my older daughter was born with black hair which has gradually lightened to light brown now.... so who knows!

You do have to tell your child. They will find out at some point and it will be really traumatic if they don’t already know.
So many people have dna tests done on ancestry etc, or need testing for health reasons, that it is impossible now for this to remain a lifelong secret, and very wrong I feel to deprive a child of the knowledge of their origins.

Considering donor eggs myself.

Have a 19 month old from a round of IVF done before removing my right ovary, the left one had been removed several years before that. We got two embryos, one FET didn't take and the second one is my DD.

I keep telling myself to be happy with one as it's a miracle she's here at all.

The cost aswell is giving me pause, would I spend all that money, put me and my DH through the stress and potential heartbreak for nothing? Or in 10 years will I look back and wish I'd tried before it was too late?

@SirVixofVixHall I fully intend to be honest with my children and I am honest with anyone I am close to. I just don't see the need to over share with everyone. It's not a secret at all. And will share information in an age appropriate manner as my girls grow up

Sorry donimo if there was confusion, my post was in response to the OP saying she didn’t want to tell any child she may have.

@SirVixofVixHall I would tell my child once they are older and emotionally ready to understand everything. I don't see how telling a child would help - I understand that some people prefer this and that's fine as every family is different.

@aaaarti i rally feel your pain I have a beautiful daughter naturally conceived and tomorrow I leave for Spain to have the FET of my second donor egg attempt (first unsuccessful)

the clinic we used was recommended to us by guy’s hospital as we couldn’t afford the uk fee but had been fully vetted by guys to meet their exacting standards

we did the guys hospital fertility tests and went from their

although this time I’ve partnered my Spanish treatment with kings in south london as it’s much closer to home

it has been such a long journey for us and thank you for posting because it really helps open this conversation out to make it feel more normal

I found I had a lot of great support from the donor conception network, brilliant online and in person sessions to help me navigate the myriad of questions, also they pair you with a person in similar circumstances so I’ve had great 1 to 1 support from a woman with the same age gap between her genetic child and her donor child. Cant recommend them enough

wishing you all the best on your own journey I’m sure that whatever decision you make will be the right one and once the decision is made (whatever it may be) you will feel a huge relief!

We are hoping to go with London Egg Bank but need to have our consultation first. We are of Indian background and therefore would prefer a child of that background or mixed. Has anyone got any experience of London Egg Bank? I really don't want to go abroad as I would like the child to find information about the donor if they ever wanted to.

@capermum I am wishing you all the best in your journey!

Could I please get some more info on the donor conception network? I think this would really help me xx

@TTC79 We have decided to go ahead with the same clinic. Probably for the same reasons as you - more donors so more likely to find an Indian donor. Have you booked in your consultation?

@aaaarti here it is: https://dcnetwork.org/membership-benefits

its £70 for a year which seems a lot, but for my thinking process it was really important it gave me access to lots of live discussions and great support I’m sure I’ll rejoin if I achieve a successful pregnancy

Yes will be going for a consultation, am also thinking of joining the donor conception network too

Really glad I found this page with people further down the donor egg route. I’ve been tested recently and have low ovarian reserve 1.4, follicle count of 2. In 34. I am not sure if it’s really worth me going down the traditional IVF route as I tend to read about more disappointments from each cycle than pregnancies so I’m really considering not even trying with my own eggs first and going straight to donor eggs. It didn’t seem like there was a huge difference in price either so I just want to give myself the best chance and not throw money down the drain