Donor Egg for 2nd child

[aaaarti]

Hi all - I have a 4 year old daughter but after 2 miscarriages, I found out I have POI. So now after 3 failed IVF cycles, we are looking into donor eggs. Just wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation as I'd love to have a chat! X

Any thoughts on the ethics of that?

**ADVISORY - a non political but real life story of donor babies, now teenagers.

My sil did this and decided not to tell the twins (boys).
They are teens now and going through the usual process of "who am I /what will I be" for that period in a life.
But - they are living something extra. They have an added layer somehow. SIL is very nervous about telling them at this point and I really understand why. The situation is so tense it could be a total relief to them or could wind them up even more.

It would be wise for anyone going down this route to read testimonies, both good and bad, from donor kids. It will give really good insight on how to proceed with telling or not telling, when and how, and what to look out for, as they mature intellectually and emotionally.

@yesmen hi, thank you for sharing your story.
Only when I started researching DE my inclination was not to tell anyone driven mostly by fear. But after listening to podcasts and reading books, we would not only tell the child from beginning but also friends and family.
So far most likely we are not moving with DE for health reasons

I think you have to tell the child for the reasons people have already said. It will come out at some point and feels like a dirty secret if you have a big reveal down the line.
I have a son born through gestational surrogacy. We had a photo of her up in the wall right from the start. And before he could even talk we would intermittently mention her photo with the messaging that we had so wanted our son but just couldn’t have him, and then wonderful Sally offered to help and looked after him all through pregnancy for me. We would tell it as the wonderful story it is, then drift on to a photo of granny and say something about her.
Kids take these things far more factually than we expect. We think it is a big deal. But they just take it in their stride if it presented in a chilled way before they even know what it is.
Good luck with your journey.

It's genuinely appalling that anyone would consider having a child and keeping their genetic provenance from them and seemingly because they are too embarrassed to tell their family. Appalling.

I have DE twins and all of my family and close friends knew from the start that they are DE. No-one has been strange with me. Some people are genuinely interested and intrigued. My twins are now 2 and no-one even thinks about it. To the degree I have many people who know they are DE telling me how they have my eyes etc. My cousin was even saying the other day how their allergies are from our side of the family!
I will tell my girls as soon as they are old enough.

@Donimo That's wonderful thanks for sharing. I wondered when you would plan to tell them? I have heard there are baby/toddler books like Pea that was Me, I had in mind to read those types of materials to my DE baby from very early on so it is always "there" and there is no moment of reveal and also I suppose so I myself get used to talking to them about it and develop the language/narrative I find best to use with them. If you feel like sharing it would be great to hear your thoughts/experience.

Hello everyone.

Thank God I find this conversation. I am really dealing with something similar.

I am Portuguese with indian background and my husband has also the same roots. We have one son (7 years now) that was conceived by IVF (after 2 complete cicles). After years trying to conceive we really went to the process of egg donation with the same questions that most of you.

They told us that in Portugal they dont have indian donors so we decided to go to a non indian background donor but with same features than myself. They said she was also brown.

We decided not to tell anyone and keep it for us.
I have now a baby with 7 months, I really love him but I am exhausted and very frustrated with my current situation: everyone asks how it is possible to have a white son and so different from the previous. His hair is also very light when ours is black.

Hey @PortIndi what do you reply to people asking? I have two donor children and I have been honest with everyone about their origins as I don't think it's a big deal at all. But get that some families wouldn't be so accepting. I'm Indian and yes there are hardly any Indian donors. We did our treatment in Greece. My husband is white, we have two older kids of our own making and they looked incredibly southern European. I was often mistaken for the Nanny with them. But I suspect that your second child is lighter than your first so people are asking. Is it close family asking? Would they understand you having a donor baby if you explained it to them? I read in your post you don't want to tell people but Indians are relentless (say this as grown up the same) and questioning will also be obvious to your child as they grow up I would guess donor isn't on the radar of the people questioning but I wonder what they suspect? Would they suspect an affair that has resulted in a light skin baby? Swapped at the hospital etc? Sometimes the stories can be wilder than the truth. What do you think they think happened to result in a baby that looks different than your eldest?

@Anonemouse1 thank you for replying. So, from the beginning was told us by the clinic that they will secure that the child from egg donation would it be possible to be from our genetics. So, for the ones who see it from outside, they will never know. The doctor who told us that is now not working anymore there and during my pregnancy the other doctors changed a bit this message about possibilities.

What we said from the beginning to people is that we did treatments but we didnt talk about this specific part of it. Also, when they ask we receive different kind of comments : 'oh he is so different from the brother!', 'its so white like not indian', 'he is almost blond', 'he is very big when comparing with brother at same age', 'this boy needs to be swapped at the hospital'. Friends and also family saying this kind of things like surprised or joking.

We usually answer saying 'yes. So different from the brother, but also my husband' s granmother was a bit lighter than us' or 'yes, see how they are different', or 'our oldest son also changed so much from baby to now'. But its difficult because I go home crying.

The thing is that we dont know how it will be in the future after some summer living. But we believe people can compare a lot or even distinguish between them, specially my family. So, we believe we are protecting them doing this.

That's a lot of comments to have to deal with. Are they warm and loving to the baby? That's the most important thing. Im so sorry you have to deal with these comments. Could you speak to these people and let them know the comments are hurtful after trying for a baby for so long? Would the comments calm down if they knew how much they hurt? Your baby sounds very light and the doctors should have been more clear on what a mixed race child looks like, I'm assuming your husband sperm was used. There is no guarantee on skin tone at all. I'm sorry you can't be open with friends and family, and feel like you need to keep the donor aspect of your child's story hidden. I can only give you sympathy, it will be hard to navigate. Hopefully your children don't hear these comments and they subside. It's awful

Thank you for your simpathy and understanding. Its a lot, really but despite of everything people really shows love to him, also because they just dont know.

We cannot see in Portugal our donor picture or select but they said she was colombian and brown. My husband sperm was used also.

Also, we have a small religious community but we deal with everyone (sometimes at the same time) and not just close family or friends in peaces.

Im having therapy and also learning a lot. My oldest son doesnt like to listen also this kind of comments.

I'm sorry it's affecting your oldest son too. I'm glad people show the baby love. Maybe just speak to them and say the comments are upsetting yourself and older child. Hopefully they will stop.