Ex wants to reduce contact as our children no longer fit

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This is my first post on MN, long term reader however. I am genuinely looking to find people that may have gone through similar as I am so sad today and at a loss . I will try and be as brief as poss .

Divorced/separated 6 years now . Ex is a teacher. Our now 15 and 13 year old go to him one night and day every weekend and then there days a week on top in the school holidays . My set up is now a blended family with my husband who has 11 and 12 year old with us half the time. He has a toddler with his girlfriend and the have recently had another baby ((not planned). He has a 4 bedroom house and currently our two have their own rooms. My two are devastated by the second child and are already quite "others at the house . He is showing increasing disinterest in our children as they are getting less "fun" . He doesn't seem to understand that parenting at this age is all about those ten minutes where they engage with you . And then being in their rooms is ok. Yesterday I had a chat with him saying that I think it's the point where we need to reset school holidays as they can stay at mine more and dont need looking "after" even if I am working . This is in response to how the kids are feeling , they want to stay home more in the hols to be round most of their things and friends .He agreed but then said oh and when The baby is one I can no longer have them both at the same time ! As once our of their room the baby needs their own room. I said well I did assume that would be the case but for the few times our son is there couldn't the baby have a sleep over with his brother. No this is their permanent home and this is just where my kids "stay". He is now proposing either day visits only or one week they stay at his mum's and he visits the next day and the second weekend he only has one of them!.and that would be it. He then made a comment that he hadn't asked his mum and actually it would be super inconvenient for him to do that because he would get home late. I am just so sad for reference he lives about 45 minutes away and we meet half way

So you know how he works. Don’t do this anymore. Don’t intercede, explain, or try to help him figure it out. In the long run it will hurt the children more to have unrealistic or, lets face it, delusional ideas of who he is.

Just accept what he does—you really have no choice—and deal honestly with the children’s sadness.

”All right, I think its a bad idea and the children will be very hurt but you do you. You can explain to them how the plans have changed.”

” Yes darlings your father has changed the visits. I don’t really understand why. I can’t make him do things differently so kets make the best of it. Shall we go to a film/the park/decorate your space?”

Yet another deadbeat Dad who has gone on to procreate and now ignores the older kids. Honestly mumsnet is full of them.

Two things.
If your Daughter is autistic uncertainty and feeling out of control will be difficult for her so any decisions now they are older should be made with their agreement whether it is them being split up and carted off to GPs or only going alternate weeks. Personally I would stop the access and make him come and visit them. Make sure the finances are fair if you are having them all the time. Sorry but your ex is an awful father and having two more babies when he isn’t parenting the first two is horrible.

Let him be the one to tell them, they can question him. It’s not your decision and make that clear to the DCs.

A lot of what you wrote resonated with me about your feelings about your ex and the father he is.
Mine were teenagers when we split up and I used to go all out trying to arrange them to stay over with him (he made no effort to do any actual parenting or shared care). I think they stayed with him less than 8 times over those few years and now don’t see much of him. I used to really try and force contact because I felt he was missing out and I was sad for them.
But…. I had to accept eventually that it wasn’t my business to do that and really it was up to him and the risk he took on the future adult relationships with them. I’d really recommend speaking with your kids and seeing what they think and want to do out of the options he’s given. If they don’t want any of that then they choose not to go. It’s not up to you to solve.
I also have a new husband now and my kids think the absolute world of him. So he was the guy they invited to graduation etc and they only see their Dad now and again these days.
Bedt advice - just make sure they have good male role models, grandad, uncles, stepdad etc and let their own dad do what he wants.
good luck

I get that because I’ve been the ‘dad’ too despite only recently separating. I did discipline, teaching them to ride their bikes and swim, giving advice, doing fun things, taking them to football as well as all the practical care, nurturing, taking them to the doctors/dentist etc. I am also the baddie asking for the divorce (where did THAT one come from…).

But while I used to facilitate their relationship with him I no longer do that. They’re adults now so it’s much easier for him to spend time with them as they require no input, so he’s more keen to spend time with them. Mine don’t have a rival family to deal with though which makes it much harder for you and them.

I suppose I’m kind of saying it’s okay to drop the rope. You can’t protect them from his lack of involvement any more. You’re doing a wonderful job and having one brilliant parent is better than two inadequate ones!

Oh and PS he’s still the hero a bit - he has main character syndrome so he loves that but I just swallow that and try and get my validation from other things. It’s part of what I swallow to be a good parent. But I certainly don’t go out of my way to big him up any more or make excuses for him.

Oh my word that escalated quickly. I wouldn't mention what dad wants at all. Id say to the kids - after this holiday I have realised we need to just have a look at what time you spend where and what time you want with your dad. Have a think come up with some ideas of days / evenings and we will talk it through. I would also base this around exam prep too and have that time with you. I'd only mention dad if it doesn't align with their wishes but it sounds like it will. They are competent to decide what they want independent of you or their dad and you both need to accommodate support and respect that. (And then if he torpedoes his relationship with his kids that's his problem!). I would not accept either his mum's or one at a time. if would be better for him to have them during he day every Saturday for example. And if then it naturally tapers off that's fine.

This place just gets better and better 😂😂

I think these days I’m just here for the comedy value, brilliant 😂😂

Have you spoken to your child at all about their feelings and what they actually want?

Just at the point of processing .. also this isn't "now" it's a few months .he dropped it into conversation with me yesterday. I dont want to say anything to them as really this needs to come from him. I am currently talking to them about holidays though..

I’m a secondary school safeguarding lead and I have a lot of teenagers speak to me about how decisions are made for them now with them and this comes up time and time again about adults not communicating. I understand why you say it needs to come from their Dad but you’re their safe person by the sounds of it. It’s just my opinion but it’s not a time for point scoring.

This is a really good counter .. I think I have a few things in mind at the moment .

1. finding out definitely where they are at with current level of seeing dad, weekends and holiday arrangements. I am active chatting with them both independently and am going to talk to them together as well , talking in an adult way as to how things have changed and they dont need supervision in the same way so we want them to be where they want to be .
2. I think I need to give things a couple of weeks with my ex. They have just had the second baby , emotions will be high. And then I need to have another talk with him confirming what he is actually saying , possibly backed up by email afterwards . I am undecided as to how much I say to him about my concerns for his relatnship with his kids, he is likely to fly off the handle and indeed not change what he is doing . I do think I need to say about them going to his mum's as that's missing the point and that I am not happy they are not going to be together so I think just confirming his position .confirming his time line.

This is where it gets tricky .. do I leave it to him , but I know the kids aren't honest with him or Do I tell him I will talk to the kids , or do we try and do it together which in the past has been tough or do I give the kids a heads up.. kids have been constantly me how the house is going to work. My daughter assumed she would be asked to sleep downstairs ( that seems to be their worst case scenario not that they won't be there together )
I know no one can make that decision for me ... This is just the mess I have in my head

Your ex is a shit parent who doesn't know how to be a proper dad. It's not right for your kids to be made to feel so unwelcome and inconvenient and they are old enough to choose what level of contact they have. They don't have to go at all any more, or may choose to go occasionally if they want to, but make sure you put in a proper CMS claim to reflect how little he bothers with them.

Thank you

It did didn't it !

I am past bigging him up . They out right ask me at times what do you think of dad's behaviour and I have to say I dont agree

Definitely do not defend the indefensible.
My friend defended her useless husband for years because she thought that was the right thing to do.

It actually silenced her children and when they became adults they refused to see their useless, selfish father and they were very angry with her for defending him.

Far far better to just do as you do, and not defend it and say "No, I think he is wrong."

Her children chose universities that are hours away and barely come home.

She has apologised but it is as if something has broken and she just can't fix it.

It's very painful. Honesty is best.

There is a huge distance between defending him and bad mouthing him.

Respectfully saying "Nope I don't agree with him, you have every right to be hurt, upset etc". is so much better in the long run.

The alternative is them upset, feeling guilty for how they feel, and doubting themselves.
Disaster stuff.

100% and I do not do this . Horrendous example my daughter is a typical teenager girl not always mindful of hygiene. One week to the next she left some used sanitary pads in her bin in her room, their dog got in and tore them up on her floor . He decided to leave the mess on her floor till she arrived back days later to teach her a lesson . You can imagine the smell she came back to. She is very sensitive to smell (as part of her ASD) and was embarrassed and felt sick for the whole weekend . She asked me out right if what dad did was ok and of course I said no .

As someone who has a father who is brutally frank about the fact he did not want me and who has spent my life never once prioritising me, this post of yours and the love for your kids in it really touched me.
I’ve read scandalous things to you on this post that twisted, unthinking people have no right to say.
I wish you and your children all the best.

How disappointing for the children. I wouldn't be encouraging him to change his mind. Seems like he's had a hard think about it and coming out with excuses to be honest. It will be his loss in the end and no way I'd want anyone looking after my children for any longer than they want to. Children aren't silly either - they will always love their Dad, but they'll also know who prioritised them too.

Let's be fair too, they're not the easiest ages, all they want to do is sit in their rooms on their ipads/iphones etc which is frustrating, but he chose to have his children so he should be working to involve them, not exclude them and split them up for convenience.

Nope they aren't "fun" are they .. but it's those short conversations you have over lunch or that five minute laugh you have in the car .. parenting is in those snatched moments X they didn't ask to be born but they ask do be loved .

You possibly almost made me cry .. thank you .. I've processed a lot in therapy and can mainly cope with other people's insecurities ( and that's actually where a lot of the negative comes from ) mum guilt is the gift that keeps giving though ..

I feel you OP and it’s tough. I have a just 16 yo AuDHD Ds with my ex partner. He was in a relationship for ten years and they’ve recently separated. It turns out that the ex gf would stay home looking after Ds EOW whilst ex went off galavanting doing whatever he felt like. Understandably she had enough of being a glorified babysitter and left. Now he is being forced to parent and I highly suspect has met someone else he’s planting the seed about DS becoming too old to want to see him and that maybe we shouldn’t encourage him to visit him anymore even though he only lives 4 miles down the road.

It’s very sad but these men will need to live with their decisions when they don’t have a relationship with their children and they won’t be bothered to make the effort to see them.

Struggling to see how OP isn't putting the kids first by validating their feelings and wishes for where they choose to spend their time.

As someone who went through a relationship breakdown with their father around the same age, this is his doing and OP can only do so much. If he doesn't want to continue having a strong connection with his children, that's on him.

I would ask him to sit down with the kids and ask them how they feel, and have an open and honest conversation about the new baby and the impact on the situation currently. He may just be struggling to juggle it all in his mind, and can't find the balance for staying in the same routine with his older children while raising another family in a different dynamic.

My concern would be with him only wanting one of them at a time. OP, is he likely to only want to see your son and deem your daughter as 'difficult' due to her ND?
PS. His behaviour over the sanitary pads was awful.