Ex wants to reduce contact as our children no longer fit

[Threerandomword]

This is my first post on MN, long term reader however. I am genuinely looking to find people that may have gone through similar as I am so sad today and at a loss . I will try and be as brief as poss .

Divorced/separated 6 years now . Ex is a teacher. Our now 15 and 13 year old go to him one night and day every weekend and then there days a week on top in the school holidays . My set up is now a blended family with my husband who has 11 and 12 year old with us half the time. He has a toddler with his girlfriend and the have recently had another baby ((not planned). He has a 4 bedroom house and currently our two have their own rooms. My two are devastated by the second child and are already quite "others at the house . He is showing increasing disinterest in our children as they are getting less "fun" . He doesn't seem to understand that parenting at this age is all about those ten minutes where they engage with you . And then being in their rooms is ok. Yesterday I had a chat with him saying that I think it's the point where we need to reset school holidays as they can stay at mine more and dont need looking "after" even if I am working . This is in response to how the kids are feeling , they want to stay home more in the hols to be round most of their things and friends .He agreed but then said oh and when The baby is one I can no longer have them both at the same time ! As once our of their room the baby needs their own room. I said well I did assume that would be the case but for the few times our son is there couldn't the baby have a sleep over with his brother. No this is their permanent home and this is just where my kids "stay". He is now proposing either day visits only or one week they stay at his mum's and he visits the next day and the second weekend he only has one of them!.and that would be it. He then made a comment that he hadn't asked his mum and actually it would be super inconvenient for him to do that because he would get home late. I am just so sad for reference he lives about 45 minutes away and we meet half way

Surely the obvious solution is just that your 2 share for one day a week? 15 and 13 is sensible enough to understand each other's privacy and getting changed in the bathroom isn't that hard. I can understand not wanted to disrupt a baby and toddlers routine with moving rooms once a week. But as a teen I was probably at a sleepover once a week and between my parents homes. Not a big deal for them.

Plenty of families holiday in one room for 4 of them. Seems to be the most common hotel room set up at the mo. So can't be that weird to suggest.

This whole blended families thing is often not good for kids. The adults in this case have moved on and built their new lives and the kids no longer fit in. So the whole situation is brought on by adult decisions and there will be no pleasing everybody with kids shuttled backwards and forwards and expected to fit in to different households and routines. Half a week there a day here. It's not good.

With all due respect ( I.e none) kindly f off with this comment. I am trying to manage a difficult situation .. life has not gone as I have planned and I am trying my best ..

Don't think your kids will be particularly happy sharing with your new husband's children either. Even though they don't live there full time.

Parents only really consider themselves when they blend families.

They have their own rooms at present . This is a girl and a boy .. not appropriate at their dads house. The two younger children are same sex. I am not proposing that they dont have their own rooms at their own house . I am simply confused as to why the 1 year old can't have a room that is dual purpose for my ex's existing child (male) for when he stays at his house . There are many ways this could work. But clearly my ex is not interested in making our children feel welcome . This is a culmination of other things..

And you're telling people to f* off. Proving you don't care.

Life has gone exactly as you planned.You didn't need to marry another man and move in with him and make your children live with his children either. Lots of parents have relationships where they don't move in together because they have children.

Really not true .. wind your neck in. My husband and I have put a lot of thought into our family home .. some people dont ...

You are so defensive and rude that you don't like anyone criticising that you might not have done right by your children, either.

The lady doth protest too much methinks.

I dont cafe about what ? My kids or people making off hand judgy comments ? Because if you mean the latter damn straight..

They're old enough for you to step back and let him manage his own time with them . Tell them what he proposing and see what they want to do. Mine are a similar age and have not stayed overnight with their dad because they just don't want to. You can't make them go and they will see what he's like soon enough if they haven't already.

Nope really not .. happy to take constructive critique . Of course how things are is not ideal . I am not stupid.

He will get very defensive and say how much he loves and cares for them if I do this .and then blame me

I would try to get very comfortable with this, what he thinks of you is none of your business. He's telling himself a story, which backs up his selfish behaviour. He won't prioritise his children, not ever. He's a prick, he's never going to take accountability for his actions or his choices, he's not ever going to change, and he would like to make this your fault, so he doesn't have to feel the discomfort of accepting his behaviour is shit.

Tell your DC that because they're teenagers now and have their own thing going on and friends and whatnot that you and their dad have agreed that things need a bit of a change up from when they were little, and they'll be with you most of the time, which you're delighted about.

It's not unheard of for DC to want to spend more time with resident parent around this age anyway, due to social commitments and changing wishes.

I'd go back to the drawing board with him, and renegotiate the care schedule, before you involve your children in the decision process. And no, this does not involve granny. He's either go them, or you have.

Yes thank you . I always knew this time would come and have been comfortable with that .. just not this way and now .. I wanted it to come from them and on their terms (the children ) .

Do you have a 5 bedroom house for the 4 kids at yours half/most of the time? Wondering if you might have a practical solution that isn't on the list yet.

I suppose for me, if I had an ex that was showing this level of disregard for my almost-grown children I would start with them and see what they actually wanted to do. Do they want to stay with their grandma sometimes? Are they happier with you? They're very much old enough to have the first vote (with the understanding that you can't 'make' their dad care about them). But I really think they won't want to spend too much time with a toddler and baby anyway!

Agree! Seems like @PastorG is a bit of a sanctimonious prick, I hope she lives a ‘perfect’ life with no nuances 😇

@Threerandomword I feel for you, and your poor children. Been in a similar situation myself. As a few posters have mentioned, you should sit down with your children, and find out what they want. And 100% support them in their decision. I would also make this clear to ex, they are your priority, I would send an email so its all in writing stating the conversation you’ve had with the children and will be supporting them. The children will vote with their feet and he will spend the rest of his life regretting his decision.

My ex tried to get back into the lives of my now grown children recently. They just weren’t interested and he asked me to speak with them. I resent the email I wrote him 7 years ago, and re-iterated that my support extends to my children only.

They are both well rounded individuals with good jobs and nice lives, while ex is still doing the school run and wiping bums in his 50s. Poetic justice.

Yes we do. We moved to an area where we could afford to do this. We wanted all 4 to feel like it was their home no matter how often they were here ( as there is a disparity )

I think I meant more that you need to get comfortable with him blaming you.

Fine, water off a ducks back. Your priority is the DC and getting them through this as intact as possible, because it is a rejection, and the way you handle it will make all the difference. Don't give what he will say or think about you a seconds thought, in how you approach this.

Who gives a shit who he blames. He's a fool.

Wtf is wrong with some men? And wtf is wrong with some of the posters on this thread?! Shame on you.

@Threerandomword None of us want this for our life, nor our children, but sadly it's where lots of us end up...looking at your ex and thinking "where did the man I fell in love with go?"

He's made his choices. It sucks for your kids. Go along with his plans as much as is practical and doesn't impact your children.

All you can do is continue to wrap your kids up in your love and let them see how they will always be welcome with you. They'll figure it out soon enough.

All the best as you navigate this life change.

This is written in a very confusing way.

You are being ridiculous.

What is it with MN at the moment. Full of pious, sanctimonious bitchy women who just like to pile on for the fun of it

Leave the Op alone and get back to your 'perfect' little world

Thank you . Tbh with my daughter's autism and how he can be ( no neglect but they are not prioritised) she can be quite disregulated when she comes home .. I think my totally honest and hard thing to admit is that they may be better off just with me.. but that breaks my heart for them because they are desperate to be something to him that they just aren't .. I have been trying to protect a relationship with their father that doesn't exist ..

Sorry .. tbh it's a complex mess .. was hard to know how to write it.

I think I would say you can have them both, you can’t pick and choose. If you don’t want to see your children because there are two of them then don’t. And if they don’t want to go to your mums I won’t make them. They know you don’t want them, if you won’t have them at yours it will be smacking them in the face with it and I won’t make them just accept that.

Makes sense. It just feels a lot of pressure on me .. carrying everything.. it was this way when we were married to a less of a degree but I think I need to go through a second stage of grief on this .. he is even less of a father than I thought ..

Yup . Agreed .