Ex wants to reduce contact as our children no longer fit

[Threerandomword]

This is my first post on MN, long term reader however. I am genuinely looking to find people that may have gone through similar as I am so sad today and at a loss . I will try and be as brief as poss .

Divorced/separated 6 years now . Ex is a teacher. Our now 15 and 13 year old go to him one night and day every weekend and then there days a week on top in the school holidays . My set up is now a blended family with my husband who has 11 and 12 year old with us half the time. He has a toddler with his girlfriend and the have recently had another baby ((not planned). He has a 4 bedroom house and currently our two have their own rooms. My two are devastated by the second child and are already quite "others at the house . He is showing increasing disinterest in our children as they are getting less "fun" . He doesn't seem to understand that parenting at this age is all about those ten minutes where they engage with you . And then being in their rooms is ok. Yesterday I had a chat with him saying that I think it's the point where we need to reset school holidays as they can stay at mine more and dont need looking "after" even if I am working . This is in response to how the kids are feeling , they want to stay home more in the hols to be round most of their things and friends .He agreed but then said oh and when The baby is one I can no longer have them both at the same time ! As once our of their room the baby needs their own room. I said well I did assume that would be the case but for the few times our son is there couldn't the baby have a sleep over with his brother. No this is their permanent home and this is just where my kids "stay". He is now proposing either day visits only or one week they stay at his mum's and he visits the next day and the second weekend he only has one of them!.and that would be it. He then made a comment that he hadn't asked his mum and actually it would be super inconvenient for him to do that because he would get home late. I am just so sad for reference he lives about 45 minutes away and we meet half way

@Threerandomword Something similar happened to my DD, her father told her she was too old for scheduled contact around the time she started high school. I'm really sorry to say that a few years later contact is very very sporadic... No overnights, an occasional dinner once every 2-3 months, she mainly only gets invited over when extended family visit. It's really crappy. I tried to get him to engage again at the time but in retrospect it was never going to work. He lives all of about 5 minutes away.

I have been divorced for many years now, and yet, just when I think we have seen it all, and their father has already outdone himself with his selfishness and lack of regard for their feelings, out will come another stunt.

I will be temporarily surprised and then remember who he is, and why we are divorced and what a blessing that is. He also jumps to make something that is completely unconnected to me, my fault so it isn't his.

They have got you. If you are level, and constant and loving and walk the line and are able to shoulder what is not yours to carry, for them, they will be ok. It is not fair, but this is the deal we got, and you reap what you sow.

I’m so sorry OP. As others have said - he will reap what he has sown

We are a blended family. DPs kids have blending on our side and their mums side and both kids have retained their bedrooms at each house. I believe Mum has actually done a loft conversion to create space for her new SC. It’s so important for kids at any age to have their own rooms at their parents houses in this situation.

If it was me, I’d take full custody of the kids and negotiate maintenance. I’d also leave the door open that if he wants to see the kids, he makes the effort. He collects and drops back off.

If he starts that nonsense of being defensive tell him his words aren't matching his actions and how is it your fault he had a 'accidental' baby and now can't manage his time with all of them

OP - this is the confusing sentence in your post:
My set up is now a blended family with my husband who has 11 and 12 year old with us half the time. He has a toddler with his girlfriend and the have recently had another baby ((not planned)

You say “He” which reads as if it is your husband, not your ex…

Ahhh apologies !;

You honestly think if a husband runs off with another woman the abandoned wife should then be a lonely celibate nun for the rest of her life? Allow herself no joy or partnership because she’s a divorced fallen woman?

COME ON. You CANNOT believe this truly?!?! This is not victorian times!

yes it makes it sound like you have an open marriage which i think has drawn some judgement about so many parents so many kids.

Obvs from posters too thick to read the context and see its a typo

Ask the teens what they want. Tell them no-one will be offended by their choices. Do not tell them yet what dad is proposing. You may find they hate going there and would rather just see him for lunch on a Saturday or tea mid week. Having your own space is so important at that age. Once you know that you a re better equipped ofr teh conversation with dad. Be strong and keep advocating for your kids' wishes. Do not cover for him. Make sure maintenance is amended to any new pattern.

Celibate nuns are often very happy and not lonely. Probably a lot happier than a lot of women on here married to awful men or have selfish men as their exes.

And what would be better?

I mean best of all would be if the cheating scumbag hadn’t skipped off with his mistress in the first place I agree.

But given he did it seems your implication is the abandoned mother should compensate for his inability to keep his bits in his pants by staying lonely and single forever? Allowing herself to dry up like an old raisin? Maybe wearing all black forever like queen victoria? Because it’s in the ‘interests’ of the kids not to have to form new bonds with stepsiblings but instead to see their mother lonely and miserable? Really? Really???

Your kids are in the way of his new life. My dad was like this and it only got worse with time. I’m so sorry for your DC. I hope he manages to maintain a relationship somehow and make them feel loved.

Can’t believe i’m engaging on this but there we go. A person who wishes to be a nun is entitled to be happy with their choice. Someone who is forced into a path of celibacy out of social expectations and who does wish for a relationship having been dumped from their prior lifelong commitment against their wishes would likely not be happy with this life choice. That’s why choice is a good thing. And a relationship with a nice person (as the OP sounds lucky enough to have) will bring far more happiness than enforced loneliness.

Wow op , he needs to explain to the children these actions and why he has come to this decision, bloody children will feel push out anyway with the nearly two other siblings, but taking the bedroom away from his teenage child wow, that's then they need there privacy,

Let him explain his great plan, obviously with you there,

Let your children respond to his changes, when hes left you can ask them ' what they want to do going forwards '

Of course op you will map up the emotional mess he leaves behind ,

Guessing his w has had alot of input op, he's just the messenger here,
Weres he's balls op,

This is the age that kids want to be with their mates, and a rigid schedule of won't work for anyone. Can it not just be more flexible - see their dad for on an more ad hoc basis?

If you daughter is autistic- is your ex husband also ND? In which case, does this contribute to the ridged thinking and out of sight out of mind dynamic?

This is putting it politely. He’s being a selfish arse.

Your sons are old enough to decide what they want now. I’d chat to them about that and take their lead. Then make sure you adjust maintenance accordingly.

What makes you think OP doesn't put them first? Their father obviously doesn't but there is nothing to suggest OP isn't a caring and loving mother

I think this is the heart of it really. The exact arrangements aren’t the issue. It’s more the willingness to consider your children as much as his other two children. For example would he take your kids out somewhere teen appropriate or would they have to fit in doing baby/toddler appropriate activities?

It’s like he’s moved on not just from his relationship with you but to a new family and deprioritised his older children. I think it’s quite common with selfish men. It’s easier to keep his new partner happy and he also doesn’t want to think too much about the kids that are a reminder of having left them as a result of his selfish affair.

I don’t think you can cover up for an uninterested father. You can make it up to them up to a point by being an involved and caring parent yourself. But they will eventually see through their father. I would try once to ask him how he is going to make sure he’s older children feel as important as his younger two but that’s all you can do. Then just focus on your relationship with them.

Ha good question .. isn't diagnosed . He has always been very transactional with the kids even when they were tiny. For example . Kids need to get out and go to the park . No that doesn't sound fun for me and I dont want to go

This ☝️

Wow. Such a keeper. Good thing he’s another woman’s problem now and freed you up to be with someone nice (i’m hoping your husband is nice!) ❤️

He doesn’t sound ND by the way just a twat.

Yes. You have read this well .. tbh all of this is still an extension of how I was when we were together .. trying to do the work of two people on behalf of him , and protecting the kids from his true nature because he was their hero. He made me delay telling them our separation was permanent years ago and then when we did sit down with them he just wept and let me say everything .. kids sat and hugged him whilst I looked like the person breaking things up . I wanted to give him a chance to be something better and not be affected by how he was to me .They are too old now, and can see with their own eyes .

He is amazing . An actual father to his children and such a support for me and tries to do what he can for my children , but it's hard when they have a dad who just isn't stepping up .

Eh? Their mum is/has!!