Ex wants to reduce contact as our children no longer fit

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This is my first post on MN, long term reader however. I am genuinely looking to find people that may have gone through similar as I am so sad today and at a loss . I will try and be as brief as poss .

Divorced/separated 6 years now . Ex is a teacher. Our now 15 and 13 year old go to him one night and day every weekend and then there days a week on top in the school holidays . My set up is now a blended family with my husband who has 11 and 12 year old with us half the time. He has a toddler with his girlfriend and the have recently had another baby ((not planned). He has a 4 bedroom house and currently our two have their own rooms. My two are devastated by the second child and are already quite "others at the house . He is showing increasing disinterest in our children as they are getting less "fun" . He doesn't seem to understand that parenting at this age is all about those ten minutes where they engage with you . And then being in their rooms is ok. Yesterday I had a chat with him saying that I think it's the point where we need to reset school holidays as they can stay at mine more and dont need looking "after" even if I am working . This is in response to how the kids are feeling , they want to stay home more in the hols to be round most of their things and friends .He agreed but then said oh and when The baby is one I can no longer have them both at the same time ! As once our of their room the baby needs their own room. I said well I did assume that would be the case but for the few times our son is there couldn't the baby have a sleep over with his brother. No this is their permanent home and this is just where my kids "stay". He is now proposing either day visits only or one week they stay at his mum's and he visits the next day and the second weekend he only has one of them!.and that would be it. He then made a comment that he hadn't asked his mum and actually it would be super inconvenient for him to do that because he would get home late. I am just so sad for reference he lives about 45 minutes away and we meet half way

That is very sad. Unfortunately he will reap what he sows in terms of his future relationship with them.

Very sad - unfortunately shows where his priorities lie. You need to show them a stable, loving & reliable base as their father can’t provide that.

Ask him to research furniture that can divide the largest bedroom suitably for two children to have their own space and privacy.

Remind him that in four years the eldest will be off and away and that he has limited time left with his older two.

He will be tired with a baby right now. And not thinking clearly.

Poor kids.
Not one parent has put them first.

Sorry not quite sure why I haven't? Absolutely we need a reset but to go from what we have to basically nothing . This is not what the kids want/expect

Well at 15 (and maybe even 13) I think I’d be saying, let’s all talk about this together, rather than you and him talking and then telling the kids what they are doing. But sounds like the kids don’t want to be there and he doesn’t want them there so seems it will work out fine.

This sounds so complex. Can’t these two men keep their trousers on?! Really none of it is good for the kids involved is it. If he’s not interested in seeing his kids, I’d believe him and I’d reduce contact. Simplify it for the kids sake - he sounds like a crap dad anyway. He doesn’t have the resources to support all these children yet still had more- maybe he has cash but he doesn’t have enough beds for them. It doesn’t sound like the kids like him much either. I would focus on modeling them a healthy relationship with your partner and helping them feel secure in the family unit.

Sorry two men ? Not sure I understand your post X my husband has kids with his ex .

There are some added complexity. My daughter has autism (15). My ex has never managed an adult conversation around all of this. I have already said I m aware that as a family a reset on custody arrangements is needed due to their ages. It's the position now to basically minimal contact that I have the issue with and the idea his boys can t share one day a week I have the problem with.

I think the best situation is to just keep them with you full time and negotiate on the financial support. He doesn’t want them and being pushed into it will damage everyone. He’s clearly a terrible father so your kids will be better off home with you as you understand their needs.

Yes this is where I am at . I have always been quite accommodating with his various asks . But to expect them to be carted off to his mum's (missing the point) and then being alone without their sibing ... He will get very defensive and say how much he loves and cares for them if I do this .and then blame me .. I think we need a discussion with the kids . Then again least it's all in the open and he can't manipulate me

If the children no longer want to go, and you can safely accommodate their wishes to stay at yours, then don't make them. It is more harmful for them to go to an environment that doesn't make time for them, whether it's because of work, exhaustion from a baby, or an uncaring parent.

Agree with pp, your teens need to have a voice in the new arrangements.

This. However much you want your dcs to have a good relationship with their dad, you can’t force it. They don’t want to spend so much time with him. Support them in their choice, but be as flexible as possible. They need to know you put them first because their dad clearly isn’t too bothered.
Perhaps over time, things will change, but for now you are their foundations.

Hear hear. Sanctimonious nonsense.

Though in your original message it does sound like you were saying your current husband had a baby recently with a girlfriend which is probably throwing some of the more intellectually challenged amongst us (i read context and understood you were talking about ex).

Sadly this has been the fare of mothers for all time and will continue to be for many years to come and your fate is no different.

Change the schedule to adapt to what he wants, there’s no forcing it. Frame it to your kids as a positive - yay you get to spend more time in your ‘real’ home. Maybe even give the impression their dad has fought tooth and claw to see them more? So you don’t break their hearts. Then you and your husband double down on filling up all the gaps in the love they aren’t getting from their useless waster father. Double triple love. You need to be dad and mum now sadly. I know it’s hard. We’ll try and fix the world for the next generation but for now sadly it’s the only way.

If you don't want to have a joint discussion with your kids and ex then I think you should tell your kids what their dad is propsing and ask them how they feel about it. They are both old enough to decide for themselves if they want to go along with what he is proposing. It is sad that he doesn't want to be involved to any meaningful extent, and it puts even more pressure on you to be basically a perfect parent, but at least you only have a few more years of this.

Why would you assume they wouldn’t? I know plenty of very happy blended families. Especially if their dad f-d off with some floozy half his age they probably like and respect their stepfather as someone who has stepped up and cares for them almost all the time. At this point he’s more of a dad to them than the sperm donor who doesn’t want to see them

He doesn't actually sound like he particularly wants that anyway? As he said how inconvenient it would be for him. You know him and I dont, but this reads like he wants someone to tell him it's fine if they don't have much contact.

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