Ex wants to reduce contact as our children no longer fit

[Threerandomword]

This is my first post on MN, long term reader however. I am genuinely looking to find people that may have gone through similar as I am so sad today and at a loss . I will try and be as brief as poss .

Divorced/separated 6 years now . Ex is a teacher. Our now 15 and 13 year old go to him one night and day every weekend and then there days a week on top in the school holidays . My set up is now a blended family with my husband who has 11 and 12 year old with us half the time. He has a toddler with his girlfriend and the have recently had another baby ((not planned). He has a 4 bedroom house and currently our two have their own rooms. My two are devastated by the second child and are already quite "others at the house . He is showing increasing disinterest in our children as they are getting less "fun" . He doesn't seem to understand that parenting at this age is all about those ten minutes where they engage with you . And then being in their rooms is ok. Yesterday I had a chat with him saying that I think it's the point where we need to reset school holidays as they can stay at mine more and dont need looking "after" even if I am working . This is in response to how the kids are feeling , they want to stay home more in the hols to be round most of their things and friends .He agreed but then said oh and when The baby is one I can no longer have them both at the same time ! As once our of their room the baby needs their own room. I said well I did assume that would be the case but for the few times our son is there couldn't the baby have a sleep over with his brother. No this is their permanent home and this is just where my kids "stay". He is now proposing either day visits only or one week they stay at his mum's and he visits the next day and the second weekend he only has one of them!.and that would be it. He then made a comment that he hadn't asked his mum and actually it would be super inconvenient for him to do that because he would get home late. I am just so sad for reference he lives about 45 minutes away and we meet half way

Reducing contact so dramatically at this stage may be something your kids go along with, and see the benefits of (more time at home and close to friends), but they’ll remember it sadly as the point at which they lost a relationship with their dad. The fact they’re troubled by the second child demonstrates they don’t want this.

Your ex is downplaying the consequences as he thinks they spend a lot of time in their rooms when they visit anyway. He needs to put more thought into this.

Well not exactly this scenario but my ex is now refusing to see our children for his own selfish reasons. They are younger than yours and it's genuinely awful. All you can do is create a stable loving environment for them at yours and he makes the choices he's going to make - accept they will probably need extensive therapy as adults.

I’d involve the kids in the decision. Although I don’t think you should make any set decisions too far in advance. It might be better to see how things go. The kids might like a more flexible arrangement.
I also wouldn’t rule out the suggestion of the kids staying with their grandmother. My kids would have loved that.

Thank you for actually understanding my situation and the man I am dealing with and your sage advice .. I have a few months . I dont want to knee jerk this. Tbh I think there are two stages .. conversation on reducing time at his in holidays, with the kids as I think they want to stay home more and then the other bit when the room thing is more imminent .. ( maybe in a few months ) .. it was just so much in one go to process. My kids are desperate for a relationship with their dad .. it's not they dont want to go at all .

Babies can share rooms, they don't need their own room when they are 1.

Your ex. sounds like a complete arsehole.

Ask the kids what they want first before deciding then a conversation with him around how he's going to deal with the situation. Let him come to the conclusion - have conversations in the open though so he can't blame anyone else for decisions made.

I qgree with you, except it is a very bad idea to pretend he wanted to see them. They know that's not true. They need neutrality surrounding it,.and space to explore their own feelings, not a false narrative that will damage them further. And why make him look better:l, when he is shit? Far better to let him fade away.l, with support for their emotions.

Listen to them, fuck what their dad says, he doesn't know them.or love them enough to have equal say.

I would do as @thisandthats says, double triple love and support for them at home, end contact, and contact school to hopefully put in place some counselloring or similar to help them with any upset. They truly don't need him in their life. He's literally replacing them, taking up the minimal space they used to inhabit with his fresh shiny kids, he's a foul and selfish idiot. Put yours first and detach detach detach form him.

Sorry typos I have bad eyesight

It's off topic of what the OP is posting about and it was phrased unsupportively. Why do you need to know? She doesn't have to account for the whole of her life to you.

I agree, discuss it openly with the kids and he can tell them himself what his plan is. Don’t do the work for him as they might think these ideas came from you! Ask the kids what they want! Remember for your older kid this is coming up for exam time and the stress will not help, they might just prefer to stay home all the time.

I'm so sorry - this sounds really hard for you and I completely get why you're sad. My children are also 13 and 15 and we have noticed a marked difference in their dad's attitude since he moved in his new GF and her very young child into the new house he's just bought, which he'd been telling our kids would be their amazing new forever home - but it ended up being just a place where they stay and the new partner and her kid actually see it as their home, not my kids (who are there just half the time).

It's a difficult dynamic and I really feel for you. Kids at that age need their father, for sure, but also they have different needs to a few years ago and sometimes the fathers just don't see that. For example, my kids' dad just expects them to fit around the activities that are suitable for the new young child in his life - if it's film night, they'll watch Frozen, if it's day out, they're going to a local bird centre. My DC tell me all the conversation at dad's house is always aimed at the GF and at making her 5-year old DD laugh at silly jokes. My kids feel quite invisible and definitely second rate now in his interest and attention.

I don't know what you do. I'm pretty straight up when it comes to the children and felt I had a right to say something, so one day I sat my ex-DH down and gave him the verse and chapter. To be honest, it's achieved little. He was very different for about a month, then reverted back, but it's definitely damaged my relationship with him because now he tells me I just don't want him and his GF to be happy. He's so wrong - I actually couldn't give a ** about what he does or doesn't do or feel with her, if I didn't share two beautiful children with him. They love their dad and are very loyal and this is all hard on them, as I'm sure it's very hard on yours too.

How did you come to that conclusion? Im genuinely interested, as I see nothing in the OP that suggests the mother didnt put her kids first?

I disagree, do not lie to them or try to cover up the father’s lack of desire to see them. They need to be able to trust their Mum especially with such a useless father. Do not lie to your kids! It’ll only disappoint them further down the line when they realise in fact that he actually doesn’t care about seeing them and lets them down in other ways too.

I wouldn’t have my 1 year old and 3 year old share either, it would be really disruptive to their routine which is especially important at this age, and no doubt they’d be a nightmare to get to sleep.

That said, I’d sleep on the sofa once a week and give one teen my bed.

This is the second thread I've read this morning where posters are just having a pile on. Haven't people got anything better to do?!
I think I would actually speak to ex husband and have a go at him about not treating his older children as well as his younger children. Of course they should visit together and just share a room. My children share a room due to lack of space and it is fine. He might not have thought through his actions properly which I think will lead to him having a worse relationship with his children. Maybe suggest some teenage friendly activities they could do together. After that a family meeting might be a good idea and after that you can be there to hold everything together at your end. Which often seems to be the default for the Mother.

Nonsense. Ignore this @Threerandomword

She sounds like a very loving Mum who cares about her children’s wellbeing. Absolutely nothing she has said makes her sound like she doesn’t put her children first.

Her Husband cheated on her, left her. Further down the line she started a new relationship with a man who has two children. Absolutely nothing about this suggests that she doesn’t love her children and doesn’t prioritise them.

I suspect your ex’s current partner has been in his ear about new baby ( who he didn’t plan but we can’t be sure nobody did…) needing their own room and he just added that in as in his mind it was relevant.
Agree no rush decisions now but at least you have a heads up. Really good idea to include the teens in the discussions so there is transparency and no manipulation and make all the options sound positive. Tell ex he must not make his older children feel pushed out by the younger ones (even though that sadly seems to be the case). If you think Grandma might be a good option , leave it a few weeks and then ask if ex has discussed that.
You’ve got this and are very attuned to your children - just don’t let ex off the tricky bits by leaving you to explain any changes by yourself.

Poor children, so hurtful.
I wouldn't be lying to them though and pretending dad is anything other than he is.
A complete loser.

Definitely make it clear that his loss is your great win.
Revisit CMS so this new arrangement is clear.
Inform their school to gain supports and definitly be very focused on them as they transition.

What a complete loser.
Definitely let any mutual friends know what an utter waster he has turned out to be.

I sincerely hope he reaps what he sowes.

So I do agree that that sounds sensible.. however I am afraid due to our past relationship I tend to be very "small" with him . Not sure how any of you this makes sense with .. 😔

I think you have misunderstood.

The poster was married and had two children. Her husband had an affair and left her.

Her ex husband had two more children with his affair partner, now his girlfriend.

The OP now has a partner who happens to have two children from his previous relationship, before they met.

Should she never date again? If a husband cheats and leaves, do you think a woman should just stay alone forever? Or only allowed to date men who don’t have any of their own children? Nonsense. Such misogyny.

Ex husband - yes he’s clearly a twat. But @Threerandomword and her new partner have done nothing wrong.

As you’ve got a few months, this could be a good time to introduce the idea of them being of an age where they have a choice so not forcing contact if they don’t want it. This may/hopefully naturally reduce the amount of contact they have Especially if there’s a new baby at Dad’s house. Sorry they’ve got such a shit father.

I apologise if this has already been said but only have a few minutes and want to react.

As a teacher he should understand how your children will feel by his rejection/demotion of them, because that is what it is! They are all his children and your two should be made to feel equal to his new family, for the time they are there.
This makes me so sad.

Well it’s a thinly veiled swipe at the fact she got divorced and remarried therefore apparently not putting her kids first.

Sometimes on mumsnet i feel we’re in 1956 not 2026. And women get blamed when their cheating partners up and leave them, yikes.

Unfortunately you can’t make someone care, it’s outrageous he won’t make his younger children share, babies are meant to be in parents room until 6 months old anyway…
Whilst it’s totally unfair it’s better that they don’t go somewhere they aren’t really wanted.
I would sit down with your children and ask them what they want to do. My guess is that they will choose to stop overnight visits and just do adhoc days.
They will know their Dad has chosen a new family over them, it’s best the inequality is nipped in the bud now with them having a say on things going forward.

Try your best to take a step back and be objective and direct in your communications with him. I understand it's hard when you've been in a relationship which has diminished your sense of worth. So think of this as being an intermediary acting on behalf of your children's needs.

A good starter to begin with is to directly ask, preferably via text, how he visualises his relationship as a father developing during the children's teen years? This brings things to the critical point needing to be discussed, and pushes him to reflect further than he is doing at the moment.

I think as long as you are happy for the children to be with you 24/7 then do that. Your ex husband is being very unreasonable. They're not second hand cars that need replacing!
Do your current husband's child get on with yours?
My own concern is how your children will feel if they realise their father doesn't want them. Please don't tell them.
I have a half brother seven years older. He always said he felt an outsider as his dad stopped seeing him at 7. He never got over it. At my dad's funeral he said that was his dad not his plonker of a biological father.
You do indeed reap what you sow.