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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Custody arrangement that allows maximum contact for both parents?

128 replies

NancyIris · 18/02/2018 07:00

DH and I are in process of splitting up and working out custody. Currently he is in family home with kids full time and I still sleep over 3 nights per week (sofa bed) and when not sleeping over arrive at breakfast time in the morning. I pick kids up from school every day, bring them back to family home, clean, cook their tea and stay till after bedtime on nights when not sleeping over.

This has ensured maximum continuity for kids but has now become toxic as exDH and I see far too much of each other. I also have a new partner which of course makes things more difficult for DH.

We have had 2 Mediation sessions and are not able to reach agreement on custody etc. DH feels he should keep the house, again for continuity, but can’t afford to buy me out. He is offering me about 40% of my equity to buy somewhere. I earn less due to career choices around being available for school run etc.

I can see logic in keeping kids in family home but can’t see how it would work practically.

We both want to see them every day but I know that’s not realistic. Is there an arrangement which allows us to see as much of them as possible but doesn’t involve them shuttling constantly between houses?

DH is a teacher so could do more in school holidays ... I can do school run every day in term time.

OP posts:
Phillipa12 · 18/02/2018 07:17

So you are still enabling his career by doing all the school runs! Please see a solicitor, this arrangement does not work, kids adapt very easily and having two homes will not be a problem for them.

LizTaylorsFabulousTurban · 18/02/2018 07:25

Why are you still cleaning the house?!

cansu · 18/02/2018 07:28

Of course he would prefer this arrangement especially as you are doing all the childcare and housework as before. You need to stop feeling guilty and start building a life and a home where you can have your children. See a solicitor.

Original poster
NancyIris · 18/02/2018 07:38

I do the childcare because I want to, and the housework because it’s still my house - well half anyway - and DH doesn’t have the time to do it. I can understand the importance of keeping the kids in the family home. If DH could buy me out completely I would take the money and set up a new household. He can’t seem to understand though why I won’t accept the little he can offer.

He says my career choices etc were made during a time when we were a family and I have chosen to end that so they are not relevant now.

OP posts:
LizTaylorsFabulousTurban · 18/02/2018 07:41

Please get some legal advice. The current situation had you acting like a live out housekeeper/nanny. The choices you made as a family are absolutely relevant now.

cod · 18/02/2018 07:43

He’s going to have to sell
I would have a live with dad order and you work out the dates yourself. Carving up half terms in courts is never seemly

Farahilda · 18/02/2018 07:52

"He says my career choices etc were made during a time when we were a family and I have chosen to end that so they are not relevant now."

Actually, the career choices you made to support the family usually lead to a higher share of equity (to reflect your non-cash contribution) or to spousal maintenance for a transitional period (usually very short these days, unless your DC are very young and it covers the whole period until the ypungest starts school and perhaps some retraining time, or you are long married, probably over 50 and have been a SAHM for decades in which case it might last until pensions (and sharing arrangements) kick in.

So he would say they're nit relevant, because it is in his interests to bamboozle you into thinking that he gets to keep mire cash and assets accrued during the marriage simply because his contribution was income based.

I think you need to get proper legal/financial advice. This situation is untenable as it is, and you don't seem to be making much headway by personal negotiation.

waterSpider · 18/02/2018 08:07

Just a quick note that a teacher could have reasonable value in a pension scheme which could also be included in financial calculations (either to increase your share of housing equity to compensate, or to give you a share of that pension). Certainly should not be ignored if in a marriage of some length.
Should also be thinking about child maintenance - which could be you paying him, if they mostly resided with him (or of course the reverse if you had more care, which tends to be measured in terms of nights not day-time).

Original poster
NancyIris · 18/02/2018 08:11

Married 12 years, DC 6 and 10. He would never consider increasing my equity to compensate for non-cash contribution to family or for teacher’s pension. His view is all that the separation was my choice and he owes me nothing. He really genuinely thinks the equity he can offer me is enough. He says I am entitled and need to give up my ‘obsession’ with equality and fairness and he won’t accept that i’m the main carer.

ATM I pay him maintenance as I am non resident officially. I also pay for kids’ breakfast club at school.

OP posts:
Farahilda · 18/02/2018 08:14

"His view is all that the separation was my choice and he owes me nothing."

As his view is at odds with the legal position, this is another reason to bring in proper legal advice. When he gets a solicitor, he should find out that concepts of 'fault' and who left whom are completely irrelevant in the financial negotiation.

Wallywobbles · 18/02/2018 08:17

Just get legal advice. You've gone as far as you can with the current arrangements.

TheVeryThing · 18/02/2018 08:17

Did you get legal advice before you moved out? If you were primary carer then you should have stayed with the children.

SD1978 · 18/02/2018 08:21

He currently does have higher custody percentage than you, regardless of what you do. It’s the overnight stays that count- he has 4, you have 3, but even that could be argued as he has 100% because you come to visit whilst he children and him stay there full time as their primary residence. If he gets primary residence, he may apply, as many women do, to not have to sell the family home until after the children are older. As you’re now living with your new partner, I’m assuming you have a new residence- is it suitable for the kids to stay with you? I’d say a lawyer is needed as custody is a bit murky really with this arrangement. Could you accept 40% now and the other 10% after the children leave home or the house is sold?

RockPaperCut · 18/02/2018 08:24

It sounds like you’ve been the primary carer. You should not have moved out. Get some legal advice pronto.

sashh · 18/02/2018 08:43

Echo the advice of get legal advice.

One of my friends had an option of staying int he family home until youngest was 16, but she would not be allowed to bring a partner in to the house.

How is he offering you 40%? Is that 'his' money?

If he is offering 40% then is he going to pay you rent on the equity you still have in the house?

Fairest thing for the kids, but would be a minefield would be for you both to have your own places, keep the kids in the house and what is currently 'his' bedroom becomes the bedroom the parent staying over uses.

SD1978 · 18/02/2018 08:54

Reading between the lines- did you leave your DH for your now partner? Is that why husband and children have remained in the house? If you were the primary carer- do you plan on going back to being that, or have EXDH as primary carer? If he has the children 4 nights on his own, he needs to learn to actually run a house. If not then you guys need to talk about who is better to take care of them on the more full time basis. If you’re still running the house out of a sense of guilt, I can’t imagine that is going to help long term for either of you. It’s u fortunate but many kids have separated and divorced parents, house hopping is seen as normal now- there really isn’t a stigma to it. If you’re still in the area can they come and stay at yours, or is it too soon to meet your partner?

Emeralda · 18/02/2018 09:11

Don't let guilt cloud your judgement and don't let this situation go on too long, to avoid it becoming the status quo. Sounds like there's a lot of emotion involved, on both sides, which is understandable, but that is not going to help you come out of this with enough to go forward with. I would stop negotiating with him directly just now, say you need time to think and just keep repeating that when he presses you. Post on Legal Matters here to get some background and then find a local solicitor.
In the meantime, do continue to do lots for the kids but not for him. He's going to have to find time for housework in future or get a cleaner. It would be better to move back in but I guess that's not an option.
Good luck.

Upsidedownandinsideout · 18/02/2018 09:19

I agree with SD1978 - it sounds like you might be feeling guilty? The good thing is that his behaviour since has been demanding enough that I can see why leaving was a good option. Is your new partner not keen on having kids around or vice versa? Because that might also change things.

You were the primary carer. You are now a mostly live out housekeeper / nanny, who is owed quite a lot of money. Mediation is not working here, I think you need good legal advice and someone to fight for your side here.

TheOrigRightsofwomen · 18/02/2018 09:26

Get legal advice.
It's not about who did what, who is right or wrong.
It's what is best FOR THE CHILDREN.

Original poster
NancyIris · 18/02/2018 09:29

I did not leave DH for new partner, and am not living with new partner. I am renting a small flat locally. The kids hate going there. They want to be in their main home.

Yes I feel massively guilty. Yes I know DH has more rights as he has kids every night. That’s why I pay maintenance and have made a point of staying over 3 nights a week to keep a foothold with the kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
NancyIris · 18/02/2018 09:32

To be clear it’s not 40% equity he’s offering, it’s 40% of my share, so 20% overall.

What’s the deal with him paying me rent on the rest of my share? How does that work?

OP posts:
Tinseltower · 18/02/2018 09:32

Why did you move out? Can you not keep the family home and be the main carer as you’re the one doing school runs, and I presume working whilst they are at school? You’ve made a career sacrifice for he benefit of the children, so that should be taken into account.

RandomMess · 18/02/2018 09:35

Seriously move back in!

Tinseltower · 18/02/2018 09:35

It seems like what would be best for the children is you keeping the house and being the main carer as that is what they are used to. Their dad could step up during the holidays and spend more time with them then.

An arrangement could be, you in the main home, alternate weekends, he sees the kids in the week wherever possible but they sleep in the main home. In the holidays their dad has them alternate weeks so 1 week with him, one with you?

Original poster
NancyIris · 18/02/2018 09:37

How can I move back in?! The atmosphere is toxic as it is!! I don’t want the kids watching us fight all the time over this.

I got the flat out of guilt and to accommodate his need for space post separation. He asked me to leave totally when I told him about new partner but I refused.

Hence being here 3 nights and doing school runs back to here etc.

He sees it as his house.

OP posts: