Custody arrangement that allows maximum contact for both parents?

[NancyIris]

DH and I are in process of splitting up and working out custody. Currently he is in family home with kids full time and I still sleep over 3 nights per week (sofa bed) and when not sleeping over arrive at breakfast time in the morning. I pick kids up from school every day, bring them back to family home, clean, cook their tea and stay till after bedtime on nights when not sleeping over.

This has ensured maximum continuity for kids but has now become toxic as exDH and I see far too much of each other. I also have a new partner which of course makes things more difficult for DH.

We have had 2 Mediation sessions and are not able to reach agreement on custody etc. DH feels he should keep the house, again for continuity, but can’t afford to buy me out. He is offering me about 40% of my equity to buy somewhere. I earn less due to career choices around being available for school run etc.

I can see logic in keeping kids in family home but can’t see how it would work practically.

We both want to see them every day but I know that’s not realistic. Is there an arrangement which allows us to see as much of them as possible but doesn’t involve them shuttling constantly between houses?

DH is a teacher so could do more in school holidays ... I can do school run every day in term time.

[drspouse]

Spam reported, but wondering how the OP is getting on.

[Emeralda]

Morning OP, hope you're doing ok, I can only imagine that weekends are difficult. Just a thought - can you pay some of the bills directly instead of paying him? Now that you're back in the home, I see no reason to be paying him monthly but if you do, I would be changing the standing order name to "mortgage contribution" so it shows up on statements. There are lots of people in the same position as you so maybe it's worth posting on Divorce/Separation about how others organise it. How are the DC?

[InaConfusedState]

I’m glad you’ve moved back home - can slate th thread and was thinking you were sleep walking into him having ‘custody’.

Absolutely stay at home and do not move out to a flat no matter how bad the atmosphere. Talk to solicitor about grounds for unreasonable behaviour and issue the divorce proceedings yourself. If he is not happy what’s he going to do? At least you have the ball rolling.

Do not agree anything financially as you’ll be setting a precedent. This man does not sound like he will proceed amicably, how on earth is a 20% equity fair to you when you will also have children to house? A 50:50 split of total assets should be your starting point, with some extra to you for the fact you went part time and forfeited pensions etc while he carried on being able to earn more. The decisions you took as a family are absolutely relevant to how you exit the marriage - don’t believe him when he says you chose to leave and therefore those decisions are not relevant any more.

[SD1978]

If you don’t then he doesn’t/ unless you’re requested ng he divorce on the grounds of an affair, you’re both equal with being able to I’d assume.

[iamthrough]

@NancyIris unreasonable behaviour can be almost anything. You don't have to have been abused or mistreated to divorce someone. My sol said I could say the STBXH cutting his toenails on the sofa can be grounds enough if you can say that impacted on you enough! Speak to you sol about reasons for divorce and they may well be able to help you with reasons. Hope you are surviving being back at family home. Try not to over compensate for your guilt by doing everything. No reason why your STBXH can't start sharing some of the school runs or helping with other stuff with the children. Remember in the eyes of the law it does NOT matter who's initiated the split or whose "fault" it is.

[NancyIris]

I don’t really have grounds.

[SD1978]

Any reason why he has to instigate the divorce and you can’t?

[NancyIris]

It goes directly into joint savings account.

[drspouse]

Can you pay it directly to the bank instead?

[NancyIris]

Solicitor I saw said not to refer to it as maintenance as set dangerous precedent but call it contribution to family budget.

[NancyIris]

No. DH can’t afford house without it.

[blaaake]

Have you stopped paying maintenance?

[NancyIris]

Unreasonable behaviour has to be pre-separation according to solicitor I saw? Don’t have any grounds really. Just gradual breakdown in relationship over past 5 years.

[RandomMess]

Why don't you file for divorce on grounds of his unreasonable behaviour?

[NancyIris]

It’s been awful, frankly. Incredibly tense for both DH and I. Kids love it, which I almost think is a bad sign as kidding them we are back together?

DH and I are both getting legal and financial advice and have agreed to have a talk at the weekend when things are clearer.

I think I will lose OM over this as he thinks I have moved back in with DH. But I don’t care. Need to do what’s best for the kids.

Am going to press DH to file for divorce ASAP - he says he’s not ready?? Need to speed up a resolution.

[drspouse]

Hope you are doing OK Nancy and the move back hasn't been too stressful.

[NancyIris]

The first thing you need to do, if you want to be remotely fair, is to start looking for a job.

I work full time. I work compressed hours finishing at 3pm to do school run.

New partner has never stayed at flat.

[AliceWhiting]

^ what thisishard says.

[thisishard2]

In any case - affair or not, it's irrelevant. And the law upholds that.

[larrygrylls]

She said she did not leave her husband for new partner, not the same as denying an affair.

[thisishard2]

I think OP said that she had not had an affair. She met her partner after her and her husband had already split up.

I second everyone's advice OP. I am so glad you are back at home. Dig your heels in, get a good solicitor and claim what is yours. All your equity and your position as main carer.

I am currently living in the same house as stbx and though it has been and will still be unpleasant (when he kicks off massively and calls me all the names under the sun), it's amazing how much stronger I have got.

I think you need to stop trying to be accommodating. Your ex sounds like a bully. You have the law on your side. No need to try to be nice to someone who doesn't have your best interests at heart.

[larrygrylls]

Nancy,

The reality is that if you have an affair, your husband will be pissed off and maybe not entirely rational? Did you really get the flat to be fair one our husband or as a cosy love nest?

The first thing you need to do, if you want to be remotely fair, is to start looking for a job. You cannot hope to run two households on a teacher’s salary. Equally, as he is free in the school holidays, childcare will not be prohibitively expensive and nor will your children suffer.

As to the financial settlement, it will be a good and expensive argument. You both have a right to maintain your lifestyle in as much as it is possible and the children need to be adequately provided for.

The settlement will hang on your ages, your future earning capacities and your assets. Equally your husbamd’s Solicitor will almost certainly say your housing needs will at least partially be met by your new partner which, of course, you will deny, true or not,

If you could agree something it would save you both a lot of money. You both, however, will have to cross the rubicon and realise that (unless you can earn substantially) you will both be a lot poorer and have to make the sacrifices that this implies.

[Wallywobbles]

There are 2 bits to this now and the future. Be careful that would you do now does not mean that you need to go back to court in the future.

So keeping the house and adults moving in and out of the main residence completely screws their future relationships.

For the now part you need to rip the plaster off See a few solicitors. Find one that works for you. All solicitors are not equal.

What you both want seems within the bounds of reasonable in terms of 50/50. But if he really wants 50/50 he needs to pick up his own slack or decide 50/50 is not going to work for him. He won't need to do that as things currently stand.

[WhiffOfBath]

OP, if you and XH could agree, would there be any mileage at all in you keeping the family house, and have one of you move in/out, if you are willing to do a 50/50 Child Arrangement Order (the notion of "custody" doesn't exist in the UK, FWIW). The other one of you could live in the flat you've been renting, pro tem. It wouldn't have worked for my broken family, but I know it does work for some people - and the essential thing is not what works for you and XH, but what works best for the DC. I realise you have a new partner, which is an added complication, but is irrelevant in the eyes of the law.