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Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Divorce/separation

Custody arrangement that allows maximum contact for both parents?

128 replies

NancyIris · 18/02/2018 07:00

DH and I are in process of splitting up and working out custody. Currently he is in family home with kids full time and I still sleep over 3 nights per week (sofa bed) and when not sleeping over arrive at breakfast time in the morning. I pick kids up from school every day, bring them back to family home, clean, cook their tea and stay till after bedtime on nights when not sleeping over.

This has ensured maximum continuity for kids but has now become toxic as exDH and I see far too much of each other. I also have a new partner which of course makes things more difficult for DH.

We have had 2 Mediation sessions and are not able to reach agreement on custody etc. DH feels he should keep the house, again for continuity, but can’t afford to buy me out. He is offering me about 40% of my equity to buy somewhere. I earn less due to career choices around being available for school run etc.

I can see logic in keeping kids in family home but can’t see how it would work practically.

We both want to see them every day but I know that’s not realistic. Is there an arrangement which allows us to see as much of them as possible but doesn’t involve them shuttling constantly between houses?

DH is a teacher so could do more in school holidays ... I can do school run every day in term time.

OP posts:

Report

titchy · 18/02/2018 12:32

Who does the childcare is irrelevant - childminders don't get residency. Who is the primary carer (determined by number of overnight) is what counts - and that's not you right now.

NancyIris · 18/02/2018 12:32

I am there 3 nights per week and do childcare every single day.

How could they reduce that to EOW?

I thought the courts were meant to do what was best for the children?

OP posts:

Rainboho · 18/02/2018 12:32

You pay him maintainence and do the childcare? What time are you there until each night?

He is screwing you over.....

However. It is so hard when you are the one who finally ended the marriage, no matter the reasons. You do feel guilty. I certainly let agreed to things that in retrospect whereas a result of manipulation by ex. You’re still in the process of emotionally separating, never mind financially. Even if you hate him. That’s still emotion.

I disagree that you should try to move back in. I think you need to have the DC at your house. Slowly, slowly, they need to get used to this change. And stop cleaning the old house you loon!

NancyIris · 18/02/2018 12:33

The child benefit is in my name but goes into joint acct for children.

OP posts:

titchy · 18/02/2018 12:36

He's there 7 nights a week...

NancyIris · 18/02/2018 12:37

I am there each day 7am to 7:30 - 8:00 pm.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 18/02/2018 12:38

They LIVE with him, even when you stay over he is there as "resident" parent.

The fact the childcare is in his home means he needs to keep the home and you can carry on in your one bed flat that you have proved you can afford without equity...

Qvar · 18/02/2018 12:38

YOU AREN'T LISTENING

The courts decide that the children staying with their main carer is what is best for them

Your actions have not been the actions of the main carer

The main carer does not move out and leave the children behind

You have rented another home. Your children do not live there.

Your children literally live with your husband and not you

If you don't want him to be considered the main carer, you need to live with your children 24/7. Be registered at the same address as your children.

If you are fine with him being the main carer, stop doing it for him but accept that he is now in charge of when and if you see them.

The child benefit is very easily put into the name of the adult who can prove they live with their children, and that's your husband.

ABANDON THE FLAT AND LIVE WITH YOUR CHILDREN

RandomMess · 18/02/2018 12:39

You can be replaced with childcare because they LIVE with him and not you. Once you formalise he can get an occupation order barring you from the house.

Qvar · 18/02/2018 12:40

I am there each day 7am to 7:30 - 8:00 pm.

MEANS FUCK ALL.

You don't live there. You don't live with them and are therefore not their main carer.

move back in with your children if you want to keep them

Nervous1234 · 18/02/2018 13:15

I am going through a separation at the moment. Court hearing set for next week. I have 4 kids and have been living in a toxic atmosphere for the last 2 years. It is hell and at times I have come close to breaking point but please you need to listen to what the other posters are saying. You need to move back into the family home immediately. DO NOT wait until April. Move in this week. You are not helping your case if it comes to court as he is seen as the resident parent at the moment.Not you .He is the one that is there night after night not you, Seriously you need to stop burying your head in the sand and do something constructive. Move back into the family home. Yes it will be hell on earth but one day at a time. You can do this.

NancyIris · 18/02/2018 13:23

How can you say I have moved out and left the children behind?

I am there every day, all day, and 3 nights per week.

Regardless of what DH is doing I have not left them behind.

OP posts:

NancyIris · 18/02/2018 13:23

I will try and speak to a solicitor tomorrow.

OP posts:

Qvar · 18/02/2018 13:24

YOU. HAVE. MOVED. OUT.

What you do with the children beyond that point is completely irrelevant for court purposes.

NancyIris · 18/02/2018 13:25

What if we go back to the mediator and I accept his offer of 20% equity and 50% custody and then rent somewhere bigger? Am I safe then?

OP posts:

RandomMess · 18/02/2018 13:31

You are being incredibly naive. Where will you be in 20 years time? No pension, no home??

Move back in now and establish the previous and future status quo. 60% care, and the share you need to accommodate your DC. Do not shaft yourself to get it over with or because you can't bear your Ex unpleasantness. You need to secure yours and the DC future. You've given up your career and that needs to be recognised.

titchy · 18/02/2018 13:33

If you can both agree something both of you are happy with in terms of both finances and child arrangements, and the order is seen as sufficiently fair and signed by a judge, then yes safe. But it does need a court to sign it, not a mediator.

Right now, not safe. You have acknowledged you are not the primary carer by paying maintenance. You are renting elsewhere. He has responsibility for the children every single night. You can be replaced with a childminder. You have been silly enough to mean he doesn't actually have to enact any responsibility for the kids,financial or emotional but you are still legally the one who left and is no longer the main carer. You've played right into his book - legally giving his responsibility 7 days a week, but not having to actually do anything.

StinkPickle · 18/02/2018 13:46

nancyiris you need to believe the women on this thread.

It might not seem fair but it's REALITY.

you. have. moved. out. Qvar has summed it up well with her post at 12:38

Ginger1982 · 18/02/2018 13:46

You had an affair and left your family. You have left the kids with their dad. You are no longer the resident parent. You need to speak to a solicitor if you want to move this forward and hope that your husband will agree to a shared care situation otherwise you will probably have to do mediation and go to court. You left because of your guilt? Then you have created this whole situation.

NancyIris · 18/02/2018 13:56

We are doing Mediation. Latest appt last Friday. Now I am thinking we should see Mediator again ASAP and agree to sell house and do 50/50 shared custody.

This is one of the options on the table.

OP posts:

Onlyoldontheoutside · 18/02/2018 14:04

You need to move back,rent a house in April and share custody 50:50and when your children are with him do not do school runs,or cooking,or house work.While you are doing all that you are not able to work and earn more.It may be toxic but only for a few months and the alternative is terrifying.
Use that time to getting your children used to the move.How old are they?

RandomMess · 18/02/2018 14:05

I think a complete 50:50 of assets, debts, pensions and children is the way forward and easiest to argue you for. You could push that you sacrificed your career to enable his so his future earnings are higher than those so should get a greater share in the assets to compensate for this. Hopefully you can get him to accept that he is "winning" financially to get it resolved quickly.

However until it is signed off by court you are in a very vulnerable position. Can you email him stating that you have reflected on points made and recognise that a clean break is the only way forward with the marital home being sold?

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Amatree · 18/02/2018 14:13

She decided to end the marriage and has very rapidly found a new 'partner'. Why should this man have to move out of his home and away from his children when this was not his doing? I agree the current situation is crazy but why should this man have his children taken from him or be forced to leave. If the genders were reversed there would be outcry.

NancyIris · 18/02/2018 14:19

I do work full time. I do compressed hours 8-3.

I used to work part time but have taken on full time hours to pay for flat and maintenance.

OP posts:

Qvar · 18/02/2018 14:31

How are you doing the school run if you have to be at work for 8?

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