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Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Divorce/separation

Custody arrangement that allows maximum contact for both parents?

128 replies

NancyIris · 18/02/2018 07:00

DH and I are in process of splitting up and working out custody. Currently he is in family home with kids full time and I still sleep over 3 nights per week (sofa bed) and when not sleeping over arrive at breakfast time in the morning. I pick kids up from school every day, bring them back to family home, clean, cook their tea and stay till after bedtime on nights when not sleeping over.

This has ensured maximum continuity for kids but has now become toxic as exDH and I see far too much of each other. I also have a new partner which of course makes things more difficult for DH.

We have had 2 Mediation sessions and are not able to reach agreement on custody etc. DH feels he should keep the house, again for continuity, but can’t afford to buy me out. He is offering me about 40% of my equity to buy somewhere. I earn less due to career choices around being available for school run etc.

I can see logic in keeping kids in family home but can’t see how it would work practically.

We both want to see them every day but I know that’s not realistic. Is there an arrangement which allows us to see as much of them as possible but doesn’t involve them shuttling constantly between houses?

DH is a teacher so could do more in school holidays ... I can do school run every day in term time.

OP posts:

Report

waterSpider · 18/02/2018 09:42

"He would never consider increasing my equity to compensate for non-cash contribution to family or for teacher’s pension."

Perhaps but, as others have said, in a legal/divorce setting he doesn't get to choose. Same for any savings.

RandomMess · 18/02/2018 09:49

Because this can drag on for years and you are likely going to lose out on contact with your DC and financially.

When the DC have to live with the reality of your marriage and you stop trying to appease everyone then the need to thrash it out and your H get legal advice that will tell him what the general rule of entitlement is things are more likely to progress.

You are being a mug, no wonder your H wants it to continue as us. Your DC don't like your flat, tough. The marriage is over you all need to move on and that means everyone has to adjust.

titchy · 18/02/2018 09:50

He would never consider increasing my equity t

You do know it isn't actually his choice - a judge will make that decision.

Can't believe you're doing the housework, cooking, doing school runs, living in a tiny flat and paying his maintenance - you've been a complete doormat. Get a kickass lawyer urgently.

RandomMess · 18/02/2018 09:56

You are setting the status quo that he will be the resident parent, you will pay maintenance and only get 3 week nights contact. Oh and a judge may rule that a meaner order is granted and the house not sold until youngest is 18 as you have proved you can afford to rent for yourself and pay maintenance...

Seriously what you have done is very dangerous!!!

waterSpider · 18/02/2018 10:25

Hi, this is the 1920s, can we have your husband back? (probably both of you).

People have affairs, you are feeling guilty, your husband is encouraging more of that (he's hurting no doubt). Moving out would be ethically admirable if it was just you two. But you are in danger of being on a path to a worse cash and child arrangements situation than you should be seeking – as has happened before to many men (and some women) taking this route.

Listen up – put the adult feelings aside and go parent.

You say your kids hate you going to the flat – so you should move back. Emotions will eventually subside, and you can achieve a settlement putting the children first AND respecting each parent’s contribution to parenting - why not 50/50 on the money and the child arrangements? That may not fit your circumstances, but it is a starting point?

Guilt may be temporary (and affairs are not always 100% on one person), children are (almost) permanent.

Also – it may be a done deal but do consider if marriage is save-able, at the same time. Clearly you still have feelings -- opposite of love is indifference not anger/hate. Seek legal advice in near future.

waterSpider · 18/02/2018 10:30

RandomMess - Mesher order (not meaner order).

GreenTulips · 18/02/2018 10:38

You are still being a mug to this man!

You need to change to 4 nights at the house AND he needs to go to the flat -

His nights - he needs to sort out tea an childcare (as hard as that maybe) I mean why have a dog and bark yourself?

RandomMess · 18/02/2018 10:54

@waterSpider fat fingers and auto correct

waterSpider · 18/02/2018 10:55

Let me put it another way.
What would you like to happen to assets and children's arrangements if he had been the one to have the affair? (and you wanted to split)
Because in legal terms the 'blame' for the divorce doesn't matter to those things.

FitBitFanClub · 18/02/2018 11:01

It sounds as though you've put yourself in a very vulnerable position.
And how come you think you'll only be eligible for 20% of your assets?

RandomMess · 18/02/2018 11:01

There was a poster who did very similar a couple of years ago, again wouldn't listen and moved out was sure the H wouldn't screw her over but he did.

She ended up with one night per week and EOW, no money enough to buy or rent a place for her DC to stay easily. It was really awful she had been the main carer and carried on after moving out but that was not recognised by the courts.

FitBitFanClub · 18/02/2018 11:04

You are enabling him to be seen as the main carer by doing all his childcare.

bullyingadvice2017 · 18/02/2018 11:10

Get some legal advice. Fast. It's not relevant what he would or wouldn't agree to when you go to court! Or really what his opinion is!

LexieLulu · 18/02/2018 11:25

You need to go down the legal route.

NancyIris · 18/02/2018 11:37

What would you like to happen to assets and children's arrangements if he had been the one to have the affair? (and you wanted to split)

In that scenario I would want to keep the house, him to pay me maintenance and have the kids 3 nights per week and EOW.

But I say that as the lower earner and main carer.

That’s what he wants too. But from the position of the higher earner who does no childcare.

Can he demand that?

OP posts:

RandomMess · 18/02/2018 11:39

At the moment you have given that, you have set the precedent that is the status quo and often the courts will formalise that...

titchy · 18/02/2018 12:12

Love he can demand what he wants. He can scream shout cry beg whatever. It's NOT his decision though. It's up to a judge. Not you. Not him. Unless you can both agree.

But right now you have put yourself in a very very weak position by moving out and being a total mug.

Move back in. Get lawyered up. Otherwise you'll lose the kids.

waterSpider · 18/02/2018 12:12

You really must separate the reasons for the break-up from the best decisions about ongoing child arrangements, maintenance etc. They are distinct, and particularly from a legal standpoint.

As others have said, if a pattern emerges now courts are often reluctant to change them. You need to get to a sustainable pattern that you can live with longer-term, that puts the children paramount.

NancyIris · 18/02/2018 12:21

This is terrifying me. How could I lose the kids when he doesn’t do the childcare?!

OP posts:

NancyIris · 18/02/2018 12:22

How can I demand to move back in when he asked me to leave and the atmosphere at home is toxic as it is?

I am locked into a 6 month tenancy on my 1 bed flat till April. If I then rent a house/bigger flat and have kids 3/4 nights a week will that be soon enough to establish a new pattern if this goes to court?

OP posts:

NancyIris · 18/02/2018 12:24

Am definitely going to get legal advice also.

OP posts:

Qvar · 18/02/2018 12:27

MOve back into your house and fucking stay there

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RandomMess · 18/02/2018 12:28

You own the house too you have every right to be there, he can move out if he doesn't like it!

You could "make" the DC stay at the flat.

Because it's overnights thAt count not who actually does all he wifework..

RandomMess · 18/02/2018 12:29

You don't ask you just move back in, share with one of the DC or whatever.

Tell him that you moving out hasn't worked you are the main carer and therefore you need to live with the DC and he is welcome to move out. Stop paying maintenance stop staying at the flat overnight.

Qvar · 18/02/2018 12:31

You could lose the kids because when you moved out, your actions said you weren't the main carer. He is now the main carer, and the fact the you are massively enabling this is irrelevant. You moved out, they live with him, and that is all the courts will see.

now they live with him, he is legally entitled to claim child benefit if he doesn't earn over the threshold for it, and legally entitled apply for a residency order, to allow you to take them for visitation on the grounds that you return them, and to reduce your contact to every other weekend.

If you don't want this to happen, you need to fuck this flat off and fuck the contract. Pay it or don't pay it, it doesn't matter, YOU NEED TO MOVE BACK IN WITH YOUR CHILDREN.

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