Custody arrangement that allows maximum contact for both parents?

[NancyIris]

DH and I are in process of splitting up and working out custody. Currently he is in family home with kids full time and I still sleep over 3 nights per week (sofa bed) and when not sleeping over arrive at breakfast time in the morning. I pick kids up from school every day, bring them back to family home, clean, cook their tea and stay till after bedtime on nights when not sleeping over.

This has ensured maximum continuity for kids but has now become toxic as exDH and I see far too much of each other. I also have a new partner which of course makes things more difficult for DH.

We have had 2 Mediation sessions and are not able to reach agreement on custody etc. DH feels he should keep the house, again for continuity, but can’t afford to buy me out. He is offering me about 40% of my equity to buy somewhere. I earn less due to career choices around being available for school run etc.

I can see logic in keeping kids in family home but can’t see how it would work practically.

We both want to see them every day but I know that’s not realistic. Is there an arrangement which allows us to see as much of them as possible but doesn’t involve them shuttling constantly between houses?

DH is a teacher so could do more in school holidays ... I can do school run every day in term time.

[RandomMess]

Because she's actually the one raising them day to day whilst he works and climbs the career ladder...

There are no winners when a marriage ends, no one should stay in a miserable marriage because one spouse doesn't want it to end.

[GreenTulips]

why should this man have his children taken from him or be forced to leave

OP has left
The children remain

The issue is the % of funding when OP is still doing all the 'wife work' enabling him to continue his career AND he's not sharing the asserts

[cod]

I am not so sure about a pattern that won't be changed.
this is obviously unsustainable. They need to sell the house

[NancyIris]

why should this man have his children taken from him or be forced to leave?

That’s not what I want at all. I want to sell the house and start 2 households and have 50/50 custody.

This thread has terrified me that someone could decide I can’t see my kids when I currently see them every day and collect them from school every day.

[drspouse]

I know nothing about any of this but it sounds like you should be terrified, frankly.

[RandomMess]

I think your H will use contact with the DC to force you into an awful financial agreement. Absolutely just push the 50:50 finances and residency option especially as it's already on the table.

Sounds like him having a chunk of school hols whilst you do bulk of term time could work well.

[NancyIris]

Absolutely just push the 50:50 finances and residency option especially as it's already on the table.

Yes I will.

But in the meantime should I be full time at family home? Abandon flat?

What should I tell DH about why I am doing this?

[RandomMess]

Yes I would move back in! The harsh reality of sharing space may help him face up to reality more quickly hopefully.

[RandomMess]

Tell him that you wish to live the children not be the unpaid nanny!

[GreenTulips]

Yes! Tell him you miss the kids and it's not working for you - as you have a joint home it's yours to live in.

It won't be for long

IF you accept a lower % and the kids remain in the house - then he willkeep the house - if he's forced to sell then you both share finances and childcare on an equal footing with him paying childcare for the days he needs too - or doing more of the holidays in return for you doing 3:30 - 6:30 on 'his' days - he gets 8/13 weeks holidays - day time - you get the evenings - or 3/4 out of 7 nights

[Qvar]

I don't know how to make this any clearer.

You cannot claim to live with your children if you don't live in the same house as them.

If you want the court to recognise that you live with your children, you have to actually live with your children.

yes, abandon flat.

Yes, move back in with your children.

Turn up and simply do not leave again. He is not ALLOWED to change the locks to keep you out and if he does you can call the police to gain entry.

[GreenTulips]

And stop paying maintenance

[fusspot66]

It is "overnights" that count as living with the children Nancy.

[WhiffOfBath]

What Farahilda says is spot on.

[Emeralda]

Abandon the flat immediately. Keep a copy of the notice you give to end the lease and change everything back to your marital home address. You don't owe him an explanation. You can say that it wasn't working out for you or tbe kids and you hope you can both behave like responsible parents to minimise the toxic atmosphere for the kids. Repeat repeat repeat.
Don't negotiate directly with him. Google grey rock technique and practise. The kids witnessing tension between you for a short time is a small price to pay for having a good relationship with them later.
Overnights count when courts decide who DC live with - only overnights. That's why he has you over a barrel just now. Look at it this way - he needs you to do childcare and housework just now. What if in a year's time he moves in a new partner? He won't be so happy to have you round quite so much then, whatever you or the kids want.
I'm all for co-parenting, amicable separation and working together for the kids. It doesn't sound like he is though.
You need to rewind anything that results in you spending less time with the kids.

[Frouby]

Tell him you are moving back in. Say you know how uncomfortable it will be for all of you. Offer to let him stay in the flat 4 nights a week as it's easier for him for work etc. You will do the childcare at the family home. And he can have the weekends with the dcs.

Then start the divorce process. Make sure school know that you are in the home 4 nights a week.

Get a solicitor and get some advice.

[NancyIris]

Have told DH as of tonight I am sleeping at home.

He took it as an accusation that I didn’t trust him. We were both in tears. DH left the house ‘for a walk’ over an hour ago and hasn’t come back.

[blaaake]

Make sure you stay in your fucking house. It is at least half yours if not more, not just his. You have the right to live there as it is your marital home. And Jesus Christ, stop paying fucking maintenance. See a solicitor once you have abandoned the flat.

[WhiffOfBath]

^^ What Blaaake says. It's your house as much as his. XH and I had to live together for a year after we split up, which was not fun - but there was no option while we sorted finances/accommodation out (we had to sell our beautiful, big home and both buy tiny, less lovely ones - but that's divorce for you).

[Emeralda]

Well done! Yes, cancel maintenance, hand in notice on flat, and see a solicitor. I wonder what he thinks you don't trust him to do but I wouldn't engage with him on the subject. I'm sure the DC will be delighted you're there.

[Qvar]

He's probably quite cross, Nancy, that you've finally twigged to his plan of edging out of the family!

there's going to be a shit atmosphere. Give him the keys to your flat and tell him he's welcome to it, but you are NOT leaving your home again

[WhiffOfBath]

(BTW, I know the idea of kids shuttling between houses seems bad now. But it's not as bad as you think. Honestly. I wouldn't have believed it if anyone had said it 10 years ago, but it's true.)

[RockPaperCut]

Well done Op. Get yourself some legal advice tomorrow and do not agree to anything, without running it by your solicitor.