30s TTC - Our BESH GussetWatch Ever, With Guest Star Joe Mangel!

[Scorpette]

Come on in, you raddled old caaaaahs, whotchoo waitin' for?

I've gone for a groovy 60s psychedelic theme, so get your fat upper arms comfy in the hanging globe chairs and hide your mememe shame in the glow of the lava lamps!

Russell Howard is our new bartender, although I don't think he's happy at the flares 'n' kipper tie outfit I've forced him to wear. And of course, Mitchell is in the pit, nervously awaiting his first guest.

Let's make this one diffalicious!

Didn't someone have a dream that it worked that way Lyra? Sounds like an excellent invention and you'd make a fortune. Sadly I can't help with the R+D costs, but there must be a charity out there that funds such research, surely.

Holy macaroni - several times a day. That must have been bloody difficult. The TTC thing does take its toll on the old sex life methinks. For me anyway.

Plus, i have put on around 2 stone since the MC (impressive, non?) so that doesn't help. Need to do summat about that pronto as feeling like a whale on steroids does not a sexual goddess make. My DH is such a lucky, lucky man, huh...?

Hmmm...there is a 'wrong' orifice?? Must google...

HAS LYRA STILL GOT HER RAT OUT??? Oh. Bugger.

Talking of healthy livin', my Needles Lady has told me I'm her 'Star Pupil' because I already don't booze or smerk tabs and I eat sensibly, yadda yadda (I must say, I can really tell a difference in my health since starting seeing her). And yet I too have a distinct lack of baybee in tumtum. I have complained to TYF about this too - he apparently thinks it's connected to us not being able to have sex this month, but I told him that that's irrelevant and he's just not trying hard enough.

Am about to ring to book dildocam only am psyching self up to not say dildocam.

Lyra, my FSH was 9.2 and was told that that's a perfectly average score for a crone of my advanced years. So long as it's under 12, it's counted as okay and if you need AC then fertility clinics will help anyone with FSH 12 and under. I think FSH works like the mind of a fashion designer - the closer to 0 you get, the better BADUM-TSSSSHHH!

I hear your pain over worrying about NHS fuckwittery - I've had to wait 4 months to get a bloody lap from the date it was proposed.

Gah, dildocam hotline is on answerphone. Surely no-one's rat is as important as mine!

wot's FHS levels? And wot do they signify?

Good luck with not saying dildocam.

I had that dream! You got little sperms inside seed pods and had to stuff them up your chuff. I was being naughty and doing it even though I knew I wasn't allowed to get diffed yet.

Could not SWI enough be why I had two fails? Maybe the egg and sperm were so elderly that once fertilisation occurred they had no oompf left? Or is that crazy talk>

Have I stolen someone else's dream and passed it off as my own brainwave?

For you, Scorpetta, my rat is always out.

In other news, dad is on his way home today - hurrah. The not so good news - and reason I was quiet for last week or so - they think there is "something" on his liver. May be scars from all the surgery, may be new secondaries: the marks are too small for them to be able to tell at the moment. He has to go back for a scan in a month or so - if it's more tumours, they will know by then. He hasn't got any liver left for them to take, so we would be approaching the end. Anyway, cross that bridge when we come to it etc. Will let you know what happens.

Other less momentous news - I had an interview on Friday, but I didn't get the job. How rude. How could anyone be better than me? At anything?

Acksherly, Petula, they've become a bit less definite about FSH levels recently, thank the FSM. Otherwise I would be Barren Forever . Last test was 13ish.

Dildocam, Dildocam, Dildocam, Dildocam, Dildocam, Dildocam. Say it! You know you want to...

Aries FSH is Follicle Stimulating Hormone - the one that makes ovulation happen. The first fertility test that gets done is Day 3 bloods, when they check FSH, Lutenizing Hormone (not quite sure what that does, lutenizes, I suspect) and oestradiol.

Muse I am at nicking your dream!

I think not SWI enough = sperm and egg never have chance to meet, not meet but then go "meh, I can't be arsed to merge and divide"!

Muser No. You are being crazy. I'm slapping you around the head with a comedy inflatable mallet until you see sense. Or pass out. Whichever comes first.

Lyra As always, PapaLyra is in my thoughts. As are you, petal. Hope that the marks are only scars.

Or meet, merge and divide and then say "fuckit, can't be bothered to move anywhere, let's just implant here on the ovary. S'comfy".

Glad to hear LyraDad is coming home. Seriously hoping there is no more badness found in the months to come.

Lyra, loving fishlaps to you with a frozen halibut (a very classy, expensive fish). Praying it's just scarring. How old is your pops? (not that that's at all relevant).

Um right, Humpy. Was wondering about the numbers aspect. Is it a generally case of low = good, high = bad? Just idle curiosity.

Fanks Camelina. I like being called petal . (And personally I don't mind 'hon' at all, if person saying it means it).

Is FSM Flying Spaghetti Monster?

Thanks Aries. He's 64 now, 60 when diagnosed, he feels lucky to have had as long as he has but I want MORE.

Re: FSH - yes indeed, low=good high=bad.

Thanks Muse - comfy but fucking terrifying, eh.

Fingers crossed that you get many years more Lyra, so hope that what they're seeing is scars.

Lyra, am sending PapaLyra a jeroboam of lucozade to keep his recovery speedy and am crossing everything that the 'something' they can see turns out to be nothing, or, at worst, something easy to get rid of/fix. That man is a blimmin' trooper and no mistake! Good job he's got such a lovely daughter to be support and love him

BTW, no-one is better than you. You are a Scorp, ergo it is impossible. People just do things like jip us on jobs purely out of jealousy and pique. You know it's true

Humpback, am glad they're being a bit more lenient with the old FSH levels nowadays. A certain lovely new-PESH passed on a certain book that originated from you and I see that the author got pg despite having FSH levels of 900056 or whatever. Top read, btw. You rock!

Aries, FSH is Follicle-Stimulating Hormone and basically decides how eggalicious you are (or not). FSH is what makes your body cough up the good eggs for to making baybees and therefore ovulation. It can be affected by lifestyle, which is both good and bad news, IYSWIM (oooh, that's the first time I've used that!).

Well, DILDOCAM is booked for 19th May, which will be 4 weeks and a day since the cryo. Somehow, I didn't imagine that the thing that got me 'back into the saddle', so to speak, would be some sort of metal probe

Laydeez wot have had dildocams, come tell me what it is like. How humiliating it is or not, does it hurt, do you get flowers and chocolates beforehand, that sort of thing

just dropping by for BESH stalkage...

scorps I haz had dildocam twice and it's ok... disconcerting that they cover it with a condom tho like some kind of 'safe' sex toy... Anyway - does not hurt - honist.

nipple pinches all round

Please to grope mine

Fanks all for rulez. I fort it was a year under 35; just a couple of people seemed to be doing stuff sooner and I wondered if I was being underactive when actually I should have done summink. I shall carry on as I am for a few more months then. We fell really quickly with DS (2nd month!) so I just never anticipated it taking longer 2nd time around (nor did any of the farking busybodies who keep asking when I'm going to pop out another, it seems)

Decaff I'm 3/4 days late. And just no farking sign of R2D2, either. I shall clasp your friend's story to my ample bosom as permission to continue the menkul another couple of days then.

Lycra I'm glad your pops is coming home. So sorry though about the question marks. I really really really hope it's "just" scarring. Please keep us posted.

Shag every other day all MONTH, are you people perverted or summink? Blimey. We currently do it every day (or very nearly) sort of days 14-20 and that's bad enough. OK. If droid finds me then next month is designated Have A Lot Of Sex Month. I might start a national campaign. Lie back and think of Scorps...

I am thinking of getting some signs erected inside my fanjo to help the sperms find the old eggo. Perhaps a one way system, maybe some signs "10 mins to The Big Egg" like you get in queues at Alton Towers. Maybe I'll emply some students to stand around in there in yellow jackets directing traffic.

Big bottle of wine and another thousand twirls down to Lolly and Decaff . Oops, sorry, 999 Twirls

OH Scollops! Ackershally I HAVE had dildocam; it was such an underwhelming experience that I didn't even remember. I was hospitalised for a bit when updiffelled with DS and they clearly decided my day wasn't bad enough already and warranted a bit of internal action.

It was just like a cold dildo to be honest. I don't think mine had a condom though!!!! It must have done < wanders off disconcerted at implications > . Anyway, it was a bit humiliating for the initial spreading, but what part of this isn't?!? But after that, ok. Not painful or scary at all.

Why is everybody eating grapefruit???

cass you mean you had unprotected dildocam action

you might be diffed with a baby scanner or somesuch...

Well this is what I'm now wondering iggypop!

Or I might have a DCTD!

lyra big big smooches and echo the hopes that it is just scarring. It must be so hard for you at the moment.

muse I have same madness. My ectopic was from one shag that was,I think,quite a long time before ov...so the 'ah fekkit let's just stay here...' thing has absolutely crossed my mind too. So yes you're probably mad as a fish but at least you have company

scorps I am Queen of Dildocam,second only to chuggachocho who has been dildoed approx 17 billion times. I've had,erm...8 or 9 I think. It doesn't hurt at all,they properly lube it up It's not exactly dignified and is generally a bit cold at first....but your lower body has a sheet over it,and once they have inserted no one is actually looking at your rat,just at your innards on the screen. And it won't get you updiffed cos it wears a condom innit.

(please note that by 'it doesn't hurt' I really mean that,not 'it hurts a wee bit but I'm a double-hard bastard'. They are very gentle. I absolutely promise that your ladybits will have experienced much more action in the past... )

bloody hell Mani,Boy Genius is desperate to play with my phone. He is better than most grown ups on the iPhone and is currently really into playing with an app that lets you 'cook' 'decorate' and 'eat' cupcakes.

So now I have to surrender my phone. If anyone spots a nonsensical post from me in the next hour or so it'll be a 2 year old,not a pissed and bleary gin (well not this time...)

sorry haven't caught up properly will try n get back later.

Smooches,bitches

Oh oh hang on while I remember...am working in That London on 25th n 25th of this very month!!! am gonna be in islington. BESH-up,anyone?

sorry x posts with cass re dildocam,condoms etc,hadn't refreshed page...

I have 'dildocam' to the tune of 'spiderman' stuck in my head. I blame Humperdinck....

I have had dildocam twice. It was fine. Mine was quite uncomfy, but not hurty. Think it was only uncomfy as she was prodding a lot to try and figure out where the pregnancy was. In other dildocam action there might be less maneouvreing.

The bellycam actually hurt much more, man they push that down.