30s TTC - More Gin Than George BESH

[Scorpette]

Come on in ladies, the bar is fully stocked with Advocaat, Bailey's and novelty Xmas drinkies and the slaves are wearing Ann Summer 'Santa's Hat' posing pouches. Have also festooned the place with plenty of festive tat and lots of v un-eco and tacky Xmas lights and shit because I know we all love getting Xmassy dead early. There's a fireplace so you can send your wish list to Santa up the chimbley, platters of wooden spoons and coconuts on the mantlepiece and 'Mulled Wine' scented candles lighting up The Pit of Despair. Make yourselves at home!

Greedy slaaaahgs hoovering all the babydust (secretly v v v happy everyone is doing well)...anyway, no treatment for me this month, so I am outta tha game...not a bad thing tho' as I have been self-medicating for stress with fagz'n'booze over the last week or so.

After Xmas I will be forgoing all intoxicants, and I will be a prim young lady until updiff happens...my body will be a temple, etc. etc.

BTW When it comes to my comedy tits - the jokes on me. Only one has made a half-arsed attempt to grow. I'll start walking in circles if it gets any bigger..

oh shit, I missed an apostrophe. Joke's on me.

Phew... (awaits a lashing from the tail of scorps)

haha Curly - I'm sure that's not true - anyway, finger's crossed you'll be proudly displaying your F-cups by April!

ChoCho Bless you for being so utterly lovely and not holding it against us. But not so much thanks for the boast post about fags & booze.

Welcome Newbies! Glad to see another cradlesnatcher on here, Brassica. Personally, I'm desperate to get updiffed before my boyf has to start revising for his GCSEs next year

Why has all the text gone red? Or is it just me? Maybe my computer is just mocking my babyfail by reminding me what colour my gusset will be in a few weeks (supreme period pain day of vomitty agony due for Xmas Day, what joy). I ain't customised it weird nor nuffink - can anyone help? I hope it's not fucking festive crap - I'm severely astigmatic, fer gawd's sake; I struggle with black text as it is!

BTW, re: 'Woman On Top' - I can't believe you're all being so dense. The reason you shouldn't TTC in that position is cos the spermzz can't travel upwards, innit. Call yourself a scientist, Iggers? You should know that. But I'll let you off if I can bury my head in your comedy norks and go 'brrrrrrrrrrr'. Please? Pretty please?

Oh, it's back to black now . Ignore above red text weirdness.

But if the sperm can't travel upwards, how come they tell you to lay with your legs in the air like a big old numpty? Oh it is so confoozin.

No red text here Scorps, you must be speshul.

It is approaching the time where I ought to start doing things to actually get pregnant. But I am not feeling in the mood. Must think sexy thoughts.

Hmm. Antonio Banderas.

Because when you're laid with your legs in the air, the spermzz is falling downwards. I can't believe that people can't grasp such basic rudimentary facts...

Yeh but... how do you make the sperm go through the cervix, up the walls of the uterus, up the correct fallopian tube, around a bend and find a NEGG? It's like one of those complicated plastic-maze games where you have to roll the balls from side to side and balance them in the holes.

No wonder I have not won a baby, I'm rubbish at those games and do not know my up from my down.

Ski - sperm is magnetic and eggs attract them.

scorps you can not bury head in norks - violence would ensure - no-one allowed within 3ft of them....

Anyway - I haz proof that woman on top can = babywin - I has seen it on screen yesterday wiv heartbeat an everyfing.

virtual vodka's all round

awww that's great news iggy - how many weeks are you now?

Yey iggs how very satisfying. Well DONE

And ladies ladies, for the love of bod. Sprem have TAILS yeah? And it helps PROPEL them yeah? So they can swim UPHILL yeah? I watched Look Who's Talking last night and they showed it so I know yeah?

sprem? tsk it's a wonder I ever got A level Biology

brindead?

cunty fanks mate

looney I am 8 weeks today - so that is good - because last time i went for early scan at 7 and it was = fail - although actually babyfail was 9.5 weeks - so still got to pass dat one..

Has only taken me 14 months from start - us BESHies has to play the long game innit

loony - yes, quite

Also proof here that wrigglers can go uphill in a laydeez on top style of thing .

Annnyway. Lots of apostrofe comments here, spec the one where scorps may come on all-apostrofe-guns-blazing but I noticed a sneaky little one in the thread topic thingy, so scorps, you're a naughty apostropfe abuser .

Things OK here following scary bleed on the weekend = A&E = dildocam tomorrow, but I'm pretty chilled about it, all feels ok. Saves private scan which was booked for another 1 1/2 weeks anyway.

chocho really liked you up till the drinking comment . :-P Still, small price to pay BUT I wish there was some decent alcohol-free wine around.

Blimey! I also defied logic and did it the "wrong way up"!

I'm sorry - do you lot keep a log of which way up you do it?

I have to say that even if we're the wrong way up at some point, we most often finish the "right" way - I'm a lazy cow, innit

Is it nearly Christmas yet? I want time off. Don't finish till Christmas Eve

HI Carrots,

Fraid I can't recommend any alcohol free wine...only ever tried Waitrose, but it aint no good - although, 'tis the season to be mulling wine, so maybe alcohol free wine would work wuite well there. As for lager - the Becks Blue alcohol free lager is really quite good, so I do recommend it!

I love being on top - Hombre looks about 10 years younger when he's not looming over the top of me

carrots I had some alcohol-free Cobra beer t'other night (went for a posh ruby innit) and I have to say it was Quite Nice.

Thanks cunty - every time I see a pic of your fella on fb now I will picture him "looming over the top of me".

And I fully intend to have a glass or 5 of mulled wine over xmas. Not all at once, obviously. Actually, why the fook not? It's only the bloody GOVERNMENT telling me I can't.