Mid 30s TTC - Simply The BESH... BESHer than all the rest!

[Scorpette]

Come on in, ladies. I've had a widescreen telly installed and there's a big cupboard full of 80s teen movies if anyone's interested. New and more secure cages for our prey are being delivered soon. There's a big picture of a desert over the bar, a loudly ticking clock in the corner and bowls of raisins, currants and sultanas on every table; everything the discerning BESH could ask for...

Cheaper than EU my love. It's cheaper for me to do 2 weeks in Canada than drive to Austria - how's that for bananas? I've also seen 2 weeks in Jackson Hole for 1200 quid for 2 people!

Crikey! Can only do one week but, cos of Homme's job. Canada not viable really. Curse your eyes

Urgh. Am feeling all a bit wobbly, my loves. My last dildocam was in a soothing private hospital with a nurse holding my hand. This one was all fluorescent lights and "don't move" being barked at me. I did not like it one little bit.

After a little while of poking about my vagina with a camera, the doctor asked me if I'd ever had a fibroid and I said no. Then when I looked at the scan there was an area marked fibroid - imagine x marks the spot, but on my womb, so unlikely to be buried treasure. Have obviously immediately googled fibroid and looks like they aren't a major prob and lots of people have them, but am still a bit worried...

Results will be with the GP in 5 working days, so I have plenty of time to torture myself until then.

Well that sounds like a barrel of laughs camel. I once had a doc shining a massive torch up my lady tunnel (the sort of torch a mechanic would use) as the hospital angly-pointy light was broken... Oh the glamour.

Don't know much about fibroids (dunno much bout nuffink really) but I don't think they'd stop you getting diffed.

I sort of cheered up on way home. Mr gin very sweetly (and without me even asking) loaded my new phone with lots of my fave albums and some new stuff he knows I'll like... Listened to yeah yeah yeahs fever to tell album while walking back. Fucking great,haven't listened to it for ages and it's such angry sexy music. Am now determined to get a shag tonight. And I want to be Karen o.

'boy you're just a stupid bitch
and girl you're just a no good dick'

snaaarl

by the way camel you can have george for a bit. I also found brad in full fight club disarray wandering around outside. Between them they may just cheer you up.

My go next though (sloppy seconds erk. You may have to hose them down first)

Oh and scorperooni gah and aaaargh. Your doctor sucks.

It is actually possible that your cold virus thingy has thrown r2d2 off even if it's not that bad. Maybe. Or not. As I mentioned I know nuffink. I hope it sorts itself out pronto tho,it is not good for your head.

camel Don't worry about the fibroid. It's just a bunch of inert cells living on the uterine wall. I didn't know I had one until pg with the foal. They just monitor the size of it, and it tends to grow throughout the pregnancy. Mine grew to about 7 cm across but it was at the top end of the uterus so they didn't worry about it getting in the way of anything. The obstetrician told me it would shrink away to nothing after the birth but when I had my appendix out they told me it was still the size of a tennis ball. I use it as an excuse for why I don't have a flat tummy!

gin Aren't you supposed to be shagging right now?

ski Please tell us what heinous federal offence jailbait has committed. And I forgot to ask, what was the horsey thing you went to at the weekend. Was it Horse Trials? What level?

poneez mr gin only got in half an hour ago. Working late again. Eating pizza, watching telly and drinking wine now (otherwise known as foreplay )

Er... and that other essential element of foreplay: Mumsnet.

business time!

gin
PP actually sings that songs to me in his socks. So sexy! Grrr.

Count yourself lucky - TYF, as I've said before, sings me songs about cabbage or jelly. Or if he's feeling really romantic/amorous, about how I'm the teeniest midget in the world and I can't do anything because of my pathetic tiny limbs I'm 5 ft 4, I hasten to add, not a primordial dwarf

Camel, I'm sure you feel a bit wobbly about the fibroid, but it isn't the worst thing in the world. So sorry the experience was so grim The NHS is so overworked that they sometimes forget they're dealing with people's most private areas and most wanted dreams when doing conception-related shiz. At least the Dr wasn't wearing a miner's helmet 5 days is a long time to wait for results, nerves-wise, but hopefully it'll all be good (says the Zen Master of the Gin Palace ). Gin's experience is reassuring (another good reason to come on MN and share - you'll chat with, or at least read of, someone who's had something you're worrying about)

I'm starting to feel a bit periody now, but that could be my cold. I don't think I'm updiffed, so I hate this limbo waiting for the droid so we can start TTC again. Gin, I thought about the cold angle, but it had already been 5 days of braaahn bits before the cold struck, which was already an abnormality for me, and I've had a cold before and my droid has come on time. WHY has my cycle decided to go bonkers when I start TTC? The sick fucker is CRUEL.

Ponymum you can read the long explanation in "The Tack Room". It was bloody excellent and I'm all excited for 2010 now.

As for jailbait, he was in the army and - brace yourselves - this might shock some of you... One friday night coming home from several bars in Catterick just before going to Iraq he got in to a fight. I told you - this is shocking & nail-biting stuff. Anyway, he got 9 months in prison - for a bloody fight amongst squaddies!

Camel Don't worry too much about your fibroid. There was a lovely story on the "pregnancy" board about 4 weeks ago from a lady who'd been booked in for surgery on the Tuesday following to have her fibroids removed to aid conception and she'd got the BFP at the weekend!

Scorpette 5'4" is a perfectly acceptable height.

Crikey I feel like a giant amongst the ickle people!

scorp I know you'd thought about it,and a cold hasn't fucked up r2 before buuuut I think that a combination of factors at any one time can bugger it up (worry bout ttc,nasty cold,erm...fill any other factors in as appropriate.) but I can entirely see why it would be stressing you out. Hopefully it'll be a one off, in fact hopefully you'll be updiffed before your birthday!

It's poneez with the tennis ball in her womb not me.

Sooo on a night where Mani actually slept til 6 and then let me settle him again quickly so he stayed in his own bed til 7.30 (this is very unusual) I ended up neither shagging nor getting a very good night's sleep. Still,nice not to be woken at 3am

too late to do anything else to get pg this month I think. All seems to be over ffj wise.

Am going to try and look at the 2WOOFL as 2 weeks of shagging purely for fun.

Still have this stupid mini virus I caught off mr gin. And he is under so much pressure at work I am worried he may explode! We need someone to come and look after us...am really hoping mum n dad come up at the weekend as things are a bit tough at the mo.

By the way WHERE THE FUCK IS EXTREME? can one of you facefuckers give her a good stalk and drag her back to the palace?

And next thread can we have jacuzzis and masseurs rather than ticking clocks and raisins? Think it would be a more 'productive' environment

Ta, all, especially for George and Brad. Lovely man sandwich, excellent.

Am much less wobbly today. It's weird, I'm not exactly the most private of people and my beautician knows me intimately, yet I was really thrown last night by the whole experience. Not helped by the husband having to work late, so that I had to sit on the sofa glumly and watch awful tv. THERE WAS NOTHING ON! And Jamie Oliver has regressed from being St. Jamie, saving our kidz, to the lisping cunt that he always was.

Gin Always good to remember that sex can actually be for fun. Had forgotten in the course of the last year. All of us have hassled extreme on facefuck at different points. Maybe she doesn't like us any more?

I PIALPADASIT. (Peed into a little pottle and dipped a stick in it)

Anyhoo, it was negative. Then I waited and squinted a bit and became convinced I could see a vague pink shadow where the second line would be. I don't know if it's a line or not - more of a faint shadow. I need the red biro.

So I did another test. Same again. The second line is so faint you can hardly see it, but I am definitely not imagining it. PP can see it too.

Buut... I was totally expecting a negative today as my temp has just dropped dramatically to pre-ov levels, which is what it would do if my droid was arriving today. But no droid yet. If I was pg the temp would definitely stay high or even get higher according to the good book.

PP thinks I should go and buy an expensive test. I think I should wait and test again tomorrow if droid still hasn't arrived. I don't feel pre-periody at all, but sometimes don't anyway. Really confused.

Mornin' all. Droid appeared with aplomb in early hours of morning (went for sleepy wee to discover pant massacre). Has gone from the odd braaaah bit to full-on tide. Even though it's a babyfail, I don't care because at least I know what's going on now. Looking forward to SWI in a fortnight or so and hope that I will updiff in my birthday month. Can't help noticing that the lateness of the droid made my luteal phase 13-14 days: perhaps my body was readjusting itself to a later ov and giving me a longer cycle and that's what the braaahn bits were about. Anyhoo, it's all over.

Thanks to those who were so gripped when the thrilling Saga of Scorpette's Braaaahn Bits.

Camel - Jamie Oliver: 'lisping cunt': perfect description. Glad I'm not the only one who thinks he's an arse. He also talks exactly like an ex of mine who is only referred to as 'The Evil One', which tells you all you need to know! Sorry you were on your own - I bet Mr Camel was at work wishing he could get home to you and reassure you about stuff. PS I retrospectively recommend 'Criminal Justice'. It's superbly acted AND a barrel of laughs to boot.

gin, shagging for fun? CAN you have sex not for the purposes of bringing forth life? I can't remember.

Except for in my weird sexdream about David Mitchell

Oooh ponymum that sounds good and bad all at the same time I mean. Whomever PP might be - if not just your imaginary friend is also seeing a line which you're telling us is not biro - yet at the same time the dip in temperature could signify the droid... Too tough to call.

However, have you in the last 21 days eaten cheese, pate, smoked meats and errrr.... licquorice?

Oh Scorps that's pants - but yes, perhaps it just means your cycle has adjusted. Are you going to give yourself a wee treat today?

I like Jamie Oliver - lithp or no lithp - but I wouldn't have sex with him. Or David Mitchell.

Where is extreme? She's lufferly - I think she's just been sat on the sofa so long in her manky dressing gown that she's now glued to the seat - or maybe is buried under a half tonne weight of empty chinese containers.

Speaking of our "missing ladies" - I noticed dear iggypiggy over on "Pregnancy" yesterday asking "what did you do different this time?" and nearly all the answers she got were patronising cunting ones like:

i) Do you know when you OV? Do you know what the signs are?
ii) Have you tried not drinking?
iii) Are you putting it in the right hole?
iv) Have you read TCOYF - a book written by a woman who's never been pregnant and is quite frankly obscenely patronising.

Cunting cunts - how dare they do that to our iggy?

Pony, that sounds foaltastic to me. I say AFIAL: a faint line is a line

Yes, poor iggy, but why doesn't she come back to the Palace? She'd be welcomed back with open arms and would only get smart-arse piss-taking advice (and genuine help too, but like to pretend that doesn't happen).

Babyfail and no extreme or iggy. Waaaaaaaaaaaaah!

gin bizztime - cackle.
And for more beshamusement have you seen this?
www.youtube.com/watch?v=lj-x9ygQEGA
Check out the billy idol literal video too.

Right, work.

PS pony ooooh! OH!

Sorry scorps. But as you say, at least you know now, and it could well mean a more sensible cycle pattern now. Now slide over here and rest your pretty head on my shoulder. That's it my sweet, tilt your head up, close your eyes...

Yes ski, I have eaten gooey cheese, pate, smoked meats, AND shellfish. But no licquorice. Would that make the difference? I am definitely not convinced it really is a trustworthy line. Would one of you please just tell me what to do? Expensive test? Wait until tomorrow?

Totally agree that TCOYF is patronising. I have had to grit my teeth to see past the pathetic writing style and "I'm sure you always thought this way until now, you poor unenlightened little girl" anecdotes. And ooo, look at the big letters on the cover, she's got a Masters degree! But I have found answers to questions that stupid doctors and shrugged over when I asked them, so I have put up with it.

And in answer to your question ski, PP is Professor Pony.