We're sorry about your fanny - here, have a balloon! We might use cock rings and ear needles, but we definitely don't use contraband to get us upduffed - it's Just Shagging thread 41!

[LaLaLaaaa]

Ladies, Fred title says it all; we are the ones who shag as much as our men can cope with in order to get upduffed without the stress of scientific whatnots!

Fred rules (copied and adapted from previous Fred)

1. Thou shalt shag as much as humanly possible in order to get upduffed.
2. Thou shalt not partake of OPKs, temping, or charting.
3. Thou shalt keep symptom spotting to a minimum.
4. Thou shalt share with your fredmates where needed.

JSing lingo

ERTD = Evil Red Tide of Dooooooommmmmmm. Or AF to most others. Also know as 'the witch', 'bitch witch' and 'that one with the red shiny convertible'

Viroid = This is you, dear poster. This is from the first JS thread when someone tried to type 'ladies' and it autocorrected to 'Viroids' - so there you go!

Pant snot = Egg white cervical mucus.

Doing a kitten = Getting upduffed soon after joining (warning: may induce envy in other posters).

POAS = Pee On A Stick (of the pregnancy detecting kind, not from a tree). Also known as PIAR (Pee In A Ramekin - cos we're posh birds innit). Or PIATLH (Tea light holder) PIAWG (Wine glass) or anything else you care to pee in! PONF = Pee on Nigel Farage. Self explanatory, who wouldn't?

ROC - Receptacle of Choice - what one chooses to use for the task of POAS. Optional decorations include photographs of controversial political leaders.

JIAC = Jizz in a Cup. Preferable to jizz on the carpet or jizz in the eye. This one's for the lucky men in our lives.

Shagging like Something = JSing like a teenage nymphomaniac.

Giving a hooya = Giving a much needed slap to a fellow poster in danger of slipping into ttc obsession. Warning - this may happen to you if you start trying to POAS at 5dpo. PUT. THE. PISSY. STICK. DOWN. IT'S TOO EARLY!

Contraband = Of COURSE none of us EVER partake of any silly OPKs or temp charting. They are Contraband.

Icing = ovulating. Another autocorrect development!

Getting your Cape on = planning some serious pouncing on DH/DP

SOTM = Shagger of the Month. Awarded with varying regularity to those viroids who go above and beyond EOD shagging in pursuit of that BFP

TWOT - Two Weeks of Torture. AKA Schroedingering!
TWPU - Two Week Piss Up!

Keeping your gingers = fingers crossed, yet another autocorrect development! Shortened to 'gx'

Doing A Lemon = Testing WAAAAAAAY to early!

Miroid - The male compadre of a viroid 

Cat - Compulsory 

The link to Part 40 is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2320175-Lifes-a-bitch-but-we-keep-on-shagging-Weve-stocked-up-on-gin-and-pics-of-cats-If-your-Miroid-cant-give-you-the-big-O-then-LTB-and-come-join-us-50-shades-got-nothing-on-us-Its-JSing-40?" target="_blank">Here</a>

The current Grads Fred is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_clubs/2322010-Calmly-and-regally-gestating-our-beans-in-a-land-of-obsessive-ILs-placenta-horticulture-sweary-doctors-and-naked-pancake-cravings-Its-the-JS-grads-thread-23?" target="_blank">Here</a>

The rather nobbish article in which we became a little bit notorious is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/the-dark-side-of-mumsnet-my-shocking-tour-of-the-websites-nether-regions-8905055.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Here</a>

We are the dark side of MN. Welcome.

Morning!
Is it just me or is the Mumsnet app really annoying to use??!
I can't see a way of jumping down to the latest page, you just have to keep scrolling and scrolling through days worth of posts.
How does anyone have time for that??! :-/

I just use the mobile site. Much better and you can see pictures.

Ah, scrap that previous message, have just found the "flip the thread" feature!!
...I did say I was a newbie to all this!!

Mae menu top right to flip thread...

tink missed ur post last night. lmao ur a good friend

sunshine giving it back sucks but yay for being paid twice.

jelly that sucks. unless its another symptom. then it rocks. not fuelling the crazy, no!

What a lot of chat...

Lil hoorah for DH seeing sense and for great shags. Hope you enjoyed the online shopping

Honey the blanket is great, almost makes me want to take up crafting. However I never finish crafty projects I just make a mess... I grub around in the dirt outside and grow stuff for my creative outlet, did some serious digging this w/e.

Everyone else don't pee yet! as a general rule it's sound... Tink, Jelly, gx, you're not out til you're out...

Interminable bloody mc seems to be over here so psyching myself up again for TTC. Managed 2 shags over the weekend. First was a bit of a grit your teeth and hope it gets better affair, second much better. Probably just had to get the first over with...

I've also stocked up on paraphernalia (no, not the kind lil favours I already have quite a bit of that). Clearblue dual sticks and a BBT are on their way to me. This is all getting mighty complex...

On WTF cycle what do I count as CD1? At the hospital yesterday they said I'd probably get AF 4-6 weeks after MC. Is that after it started or ended?

Oooh, and hello to the newbies! Welcome to the fun!

Thanks viroids, still feeling dizzy :( I'm gonna scoff a croissant at work to see if that helps.

pickle I'll probably POAS Friday 3rd because that will be 14DPO. Although if I make it past Monday I'm going to be sorely tempted because my LP has never been more than 9 days.

niff sorry I can't be of more help with the MC but others know better!!

lil stop fuelling the crazy! I'm 5DPO!! Don't think it was AF because temp was up again today thankfully.

Niff I've counted the day of mc as CD1. I also didn't ovulate in my wtf cycle, just got AF after still getting BFPs. My wtf cycle was only several days longer than my usual one if it helps. But then everyone is different.

Jelly I hope you're feeling better. I suggest you eat something salty (like a teaspoon of marmite). I also think it's a promising symptom

No shag list night I'm just waiting for this stupid cold to pass. I always get lurgi around the time of icing, maybe my body is against another baby???

Shagging every 3 days is not completely hopeless, is it?

Thanks carrot. I got a bfn last week so I hope the hormones are out of the system. I can pinpoint exactly the day they started dropping - 8 days before mc - because I told DH on the way home from work that I wasn't feeling so pregnant and could therefore manage to cook dinner...!

I feel like I'm getting back to normal but we'll see...

carrot jizz survives 5 days in u so every 3days is fine.

niff im on CD 35? of wtf cycle. first post mc shag I burst into tears at the end. very sexy! I think dh expected it though so was OK. must be so hard for the miroids too.

jelly I'll stop. after I say this. I got symptoms quite early after the ivf. like it must have been literally from the second it/they implanted. and to answer ur earlier qn which I forgot, hogtie cuffs, remote control clit stimulator and a schoolgirl outfit! how's the toys Mr jelly ordered going?

its so refreshing to know I'm not the only one with such things in my bedroom!

And I often feel snotty around AF too... Cruelly I also get the most horrendously noxious farts in my fertile window. It's just not seductive! It does feel like some evil conspiracy to stop me conceiving...

Resounding bfn this morning. damn that dodgy test for having an indent. I'm not testing anymore. There would be a squinter at least by now; cd31 and around 13dpo (possibly). Right, buying cake for tonight

Ooh thanks for the link lil. DH is terrified of tying me up as he sees it as abusive and disrespectful so hopefully that can help explain it to him :) To be fair to him most of the time I love his attitude, especially when he walks out of the cinema if there is a scene where a woman is being abused!

Tink (proper posh m&s ones btw, not poo biscuits). But no yet, you're not out til the witch arrives.

What does a faint line on an opk mean? I know not peak, but in wtf cycle I can't help but feel that's got to be a good sign?

sorry tink. please stop testing. what will be will be.

niff faint opk means nowt. u have LH in your system all the time, its the surge that is important.

night if it worked for my dh hopefully it will work for yours!

anyone else wonder if we're in danger of being the focus of another knobbish article with all this talk of liking to be tied up? lol

Thanks lil. The people who write these articles are just jealous of our sex lives

Balls. Lil, you are the oracle so I defer to your greater wisdom.

i hope so lil, it would be the crowning glory of our time on this fred (aside from BFP) to get famous!!

Your toys sound fun! I must say the new buzzy friend My Jelly bought is amazing, it's get me going in seconds! The handcuffs he got weren't so great, they really hurt my wrists (and I have really small wrists). The blindfold was ok, but we normally DTD in the dark so didn't add much. Not tried the rope yet, but my ginger cat ran off with it yesterday....

DP's pubes are growing back after his shaving experiment. Our shag the other night was really uncomfortable because they were rubbing against me lol! But I don't want him to shave again unless he wants to!

I'll try something salty for this dizziness. Croissant and two glasses of water haven't helped :( Although I detest marmite!

ahh tink sorry for the BFN :( that's just shyte, but you're not out yet until the witch arrives. Some people don't get BFP's until 15+ DPO. I think you should stop testing so it doesn't ramp your stress up!

Anyone heard from stoat at all?

Yay lil for the shagging resurrection! Also what is ovulation sex pain??!

Niff I loved your noxious farts in fertile week revelation! Ahahaha!!!

I have crazy back ache. Not sure if it's due to all the sex we've been having, or if I'm ovulating, or if I just have terrible posture. Or maybe all three.

We took a break from sex yesterday, although DH did offer - what a stud .

I feel like I may never know when I ovulate. I can't be arsed with temping - I just can't. The ovulation sticks seem expensive, and the cm method doesn't seem to work on me? I do have a few days where I get a tiny bit more cm than usual, but it's nothing remarkable. Likewise, it might come and go a few times during the month. So unless I am some sort of scientific marvel that ovulates constantly throughout the month, I have no clue what that fuckery is about.

Welcome to all the newbies!!

Wow, so chatty today!

Thanks Niff!

Lil, Jelly your collections sound great! and similar to mine

lol honey clearly we all have issues

So those of you who remember (probably only 3 or 4 of you by now) remember I applied to the police then turned down the job. Then I decided I wanted to be a teacher. Well i've now decided i don't want to be a teacher.

But now.......I kind of want to be a midwife. Don't ask why, it's very random, but i've been looking at midwifery degrees near me.

Do I have a problem? I just really, REALLY fucking hate my job.

If you have a problem jelly then so do I! I applied to be a teacher. Pulled out last minute. Went into healthcare management, now want to be a counsellor. What do you do now?

I'm in insurance at the moment night and I find it so boring and worthless. I also hate working in London.