We're sorry about your fanny - here, have a balloon! We might use cock rings and ear needles, but we definitely don't use contraband to get us upduffed - it's Just Shagging thread 41!

[LaLaLaaaa]

Ladies, Fred title says it all; we are the ones who shag as much as our men can cope with in order to get upduffed without the stress of scientific whatnots!

Fred rules (copied and adapted from previous Fred)

1. Thou shalt shag as much as humanly possible in order to get upduffed.
2. Thou shalt not partake of OPKs, temping, or charting.
3. Thou shalt keep symptom spotting to a minimum.
4. Thou shalt share with your fredmates where needed.

JSing lingo

ERTD = Evil Red Tide of Dooooooommmmmmm. Or AF to most others. Also know as 'the witch', 'bitch witch' and 'that one with the red shiny convertible'

Viroid = This is you, dear poster. This is from the first JS thread when someone tried to type 'ladies' and it autocorrected to 'Viroids' - so there you go!

Pant snot = Egg white cervical mucus.

Doing a kitten = Getting upduffed soon after joining (warning: may induce envy in other posters).

POAS = Pee On A Stick (of the pregnancy detecting kind, not from a tree). Also known as PIAR (Pee In A Ramekin - cos we're posh birds innit). Or PIATLH (Tea light holder) PIAWG (Wine glass) or anything else you care to pee in! PONF = Pee on Nigel Farage. Self explanatory, who wouldn't?

ROC - Receptacle of Choice - what one chooses to use for the task of POAS. Optional decorations include photographs of controversial political leaders.

JIAC = Jizz in a Cup. Preferable to jizz on the carpet or jizz in the eye. This one's for the lucky men in our lives.

Shagging like Something = JSing like a teenage nymphomaniac.

Giving a hooya = Giving a much needed slap to a fellow poster in danger of slipping into ttc obsession. Warning - this may happen to you if you start trying to POAS at 5dpo. PUT. THE. PISSY. STICK. DOWN. IT'S TOO EARLY!

Contraband = Of COURSE none of us EVER partake of any silly OPKs or temp charting. They are Contraband.

Icing = ovulating. Another autocorrect development!

Getting your Cape on = planning some serious pouncing on DH/DP

SOTM = Shagger of the Month. Awarded with varying regularity to those viroids who go above and beyond EOD shagging in pursuit of that BFP

TWOT - Two Weeks of Torture. AKA Schroedingering!
TWPU - Two Week Piss Up!

Keeping your gingers = fingers crossed, yet another autocorrect development! Shortened to 'gx'

Doing A Lemon = Testing WAAAAAAAY to early!

Miroid - The male compadre of a viroid 

Cat - Compulsory 

The link to Part 40 is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2320175-Lifes-a-bitch-but-we-keep-on-shagging-Weve-stocked-up-on-gin-and-pics-of-cats-If-your-Miroid-cant-give-you-the-big-O-then-LTB-and-come-join-us-50-shades-got-nothing-on-us-Its-JSing-40?" target="_blank">Here</a>

The current Grads Fred is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_clubs/2322010-Calmly-and-regally-gestating-our-beans-in-a-land-of-obsessive-ILs-placenta-horticulture-sweary-doctors-and-naked-pancake-cravings-Its-the-JS-grads-thread-23?" target="_blank">Here</a>

The rather nobbish article in which we became a little bit notorious is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/the-dark-side-of-mumsnet-my-shocking-tour-of-the-websites-nether-regions-8905055.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Here</a>

We are the dark side of MN. Welcome.

I too find my job worthless jelly it really is the worst feeling. Sounds like the kind of jobs you are considering would be very fulfilling for you. Are you able to leave London or are you trapped there by more than your job? Life is much cheaper elsewhere :)

jelly I think we might actually be the same person. Same age, I play football too and have looked into every single one of those careers!

i live in Essex so i'm not limited to working in london, but obviously we pay the south east prices. I just hate the london work life, it's so demorilising. I really want a new career. The issue with midwife is you have to go to uni for 3 years, and you don't earn whilst you learn.

fallen maybe we are

jelly night don't limit yourselves. You can do all of those things if you want. Life is long and there to be made the most of, so do what feels right, change your mind as often as you like and don't stick with things you find unfulfilling. There endeth today's lesson .

Thanks tink definitely intend to make the change it's just working out when what with all the financial implications!

what are you considering night?

A degree in counselling/psychotherapy. Sick of watching other people help patients while I sit in an office staring at spreadsheets!

i think we should both take the plunge i am considering phoning the uni near me that does the midwife course to find out how much it is because i think it's subsedised by the NHS slightly

I think that you will be entitled to student loans jelly. Need to check if I will be!

i don't think i will be night i've already done a post grad degree with student loans, i think you only get one!

jelly its better to change now while u are young!

Gouda drink more water, take evening primrose oil and eat grapefruit for better cm and by the flimsy cheap opks off amsxin that cost pennies

pickle when I get close to ovulation I get pain during sex like dh is causing my ovary to nearly burst with the thrusting. if he goes too hard at it or can be really painful! usually a sure sign of imminent icing for me so gx I ice today so that AF has fucked off by my birthday night when we get to play with new toys!

spent the morning with pg bff who spent the whole time talking about her and didn't ask once if I was OK/about mc or anything and when I bought it up said all the wrong things. nearly thumped her one when she was saying how depressing it is that she's getting bigger and nothing fits her. bitch

I was sure the rules were different for healthcare degrees, will try and look into it at some point :)

One of my friends has recently started a midwifery course, and she is LOVING it so far. After only 6 weeks of lectures, she's straight out into practical training in the hospital.
We keep joking that she might end up delivering my kids! (...though I've got to get preg first!!) -and that might cross a boundary in our friendship, once she's seen everything down there! Somehow it's fine if it's a stranger looking and prodding, but weird if it's someone you know!

Maybe there are taster days that you can go on to get a feel for what it would involve, and see if it sounds like something you want to pursue (rather than just chuck everything in and find out down the line that you're not enjoying it).
Hope you find something that's fulfilling -nothing worse than stuck doing boring, dead-end admin!

yeah i might go to some taster days at my local uni. Thats a good idea thanks mae :)

night on the studen finance website it says you need to be doing your first degree unfortunately, although you can apply for bursery's and grants through the NHS. Don't think it's lots though sadly. I guess £9k a year for 3 years is a lot of money to find!

That's sad jelly. Shall we start playing the lottery?

ah let's start a lottery syndicate lol!

you do get burseries for NHS courses so you may be elegible for that!

Oh gosh I want a career change too! I've also thought about being a midwife, nurse, dietitian etc but don't want to go through all the expense of training and potentially hate the new job even more.

There was an article a few days ago on the guardian website about being a midwife - pretty off putting!

Roll on maternity leave and the excuse to work part time!

Oooo lil I got that last night, always wondered what that random pain was all about!

Yes ewu my sentiments exactly! I would love a part time job!

So, I originally going to be a midwife when I quit teaching. I went to a taster day and everything. I find it fascinating and I would love it. I even have the textbooks and started studying.

However... I am not healthy enough. Bad backs need not apply! Of course they can't turn you down because of disability etc, but realistically, I can't crawl on the floor between a woman's legs and crouch there for 2 minutes half an hour. I hope that my lupus becomes more manageable in the future so I can train... Its never too late, most people at the taster day were in their late 30s to 50!

The degree if fully funded by the NHS, but no salary. But because they are paying to train, they are crazy picky. (Think 50+ applicants per place) And experience is so important, you need loads of voluntary hours logged. You need to realise its about women, so don't go on about the lovely baby etc.

Lastly, you need to have completed a course of academic study in the last few years. So Lil would be fine, but even though I'm a science teacher, I would need to do an access course (like an nvq or something) lasting at least a year, before you can apply. To prove you are up to the academic standard.

So, quite tricky!

blimey, that's helpful honey :D i might phone the uni i'm looking at to find out if i'd need to do extra studying, I graduated in 2011 so 4 years ago, but obvsiouly my a-levels were in 2008 and my gcse's in 2006! i;ve read that you need a tonne of volunteer experience, which would be my concern, as I have no idea how to get that level of experience lol. Even simple things like getting in touch with a hospital to find out how to volunteer, i have no idea how to do that! what volunteer work were you looking at?

A few people there were volunteering on post natal wards or getting a job as a HCA on maternity wards whilst doing their access course. I didn't enquire... I realised I was screwed, health wise, before getting that far.

E.g. I have my legs crosses at the ankles on a foot stool at the moment and it's making my knees hurt.

jelly a friend of mine volunteers on a maternity ward via the hospital Catholic chaplaincy, just talking and praying with women going through difficult times. Obviously only works if youre religious but my point is that you could maybe think about counselling roles elsewhere as well as medical volunteering.

Aww honey I really hope it gets better soon. Sounds horrible :(

ewu thanks I'll look in to it.

DP has dashed the idea because he doesn't think we can afford for me to not work for 3 years. Dick.

LTB Jelly!

So is that all it takes? Only 3 years? I thought it's 3 years on top of med degree! I would love to be a mw too, but we can't afford me out of work for 3 years either.

I really thought I've already iced this month, but I've just been to the loo and had some quite stretchy pant snot! Not sure how I'm going to jump DP as my cough is so bad I nearly threw up twice today