The Truth about Um Bongo, Broken Penises and Sad Fleas - it's all here, just don't talk about the Elephant in the Womb! Pee on Nigel Farage (or in a Thermos), and Join the Bonkers Bonkers for JS 30!

[ChatEnOeuf]

Ladies, Fred title says it all; we are the ones who shag as much as our men can cope with in order to get upduffed without the stress of scientific whatnots!

Fred rules (copied and adapted from previous Fred)

1. Thou shalt shag as much as humanly possible in order to get upduffed.
2. Thou shalt not partake of OPKs, temping, or charting.
3. Thou shalt keep symptom spotting to a minimum.
4. Thou shalt share with your fredmates where needed.

JSing lingo

ERTD = Evil Red Tide of Dooooooommmmmmm. Or AF to most others.

Viroid = This is you, dear poster. This is from the first JS thread when someone tried to type 'ladies' and it autocorrected to 'Viroids' - so there you go!

Pant snot = Egg white cervical mucus.

Doing a kitten = Getting upduffed soon after joining (warning: may induce envy in other posters).

POAS = Pee On A Stick (of the pregnancy detecting kind, not from a tree). Also known as PIAR (Pee In A Ramekin - cos we're posh birds innit). Or PIATLH (Tea light holder) PIAWG (Wine glass) or anything else you care to pee in!

PONF = Pee on Nigel Farage. Self explanatory, who wouldn't? 

ROC - Receptacle of Choice - what one chooses to use for the task of POAS. Option decorations include photographs of political leaders.

JIAC = Jizz in a Cup. Preferable to jizz on the carpet or jizz in the eye. This one's for the lucky men in our lives.

Shagging like something = JSing like a teenage nymphomaniac.

Giving a hooya = Giving a much needed slap to a fellow poster in danger of slipping into ttc obsession.

Contraband = Of COURSE none of us EVER partake of any silly OPKs or temp charting. They are Contraband.

Icing = ovulating. Another autocorrect development!

Getting your Cape on = planning some serious pouncing on DH/DP

TWOT - Two Weeks of Torture. AKA Schroedinging!

TWPU - Two Week Piss Up!

Keeping your gingers = fingers crossed, yet another autocorrect development!

The link to Part 29 is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/a2198677-Jizz-in-your-eyes-raining-out-of-your-arse-or-just-feeling-boggin-Come-and-join-the-JSers-for-fun-and-frolics-And-some-of-them-drooling-over-Ian-McShane-whoever-he-may-be-Its-Just-Shagging-29" target="_blank">here</a>

The current Grads Fred is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_clubs/a2202292-Just-Shagging-Grads-thread-No-13-for-upduffed-viroids" target="_blank">here</a>

The rather nobbish article in which we became a little bit notorious is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/the-dark-side-of-mumsnet-my-shocking-tour-of-the-websites-nether-regions-8905055.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">here</a>

Happy shagging, shaggers!

Sounds lush! There's a few massages you can't have so check their pregnancy policy (and make sure they can still give you a treat!). Jacuzzis etc. are fine they just don't recommend you get too hot. :)

He wants to shag 2-3 times a day? Ouch!

exactly!!! lol

Tell him some stories of broken penises. He might change his mind! Does he really think he can refill that quickly?

I mean, I know some men can, but isn't it quite rare?

This stinks of that nine-a-day app...madness!

why is there no happy medium with men? they either want it 3 times a day and csng leave themselves alone or they never want it!!

I'm actually really happy I only have to bully dh for 3 more weeks for baby making shags. then we can go back to being blissfully sexless!!!

The ewcm has arrived in the honey household, so Mr honey has been informed that his services are required every day until they are gone then eod for a week afterwards. He didn't seem to mind. Though he'll prob whinge his "balls are drained!" after a few days. Poor love.

oh you've cheered me up! I was in a right huff! I think cos my DSD's sneaked up on him he thinks it'll be the same, but he was 17 and 19 then, he's in his 30's now!! lol x

butterfly so gla mine is not the only one who goes in for a soothing wank! they are strange creatures aren't they?!

Haha classic.

Viroids can you suggest me an app for tracking periods and ovulation

Greetings from one of the most haunted pub in York - where the floors are wonky and the portions are massive. I might pop.

Last day in the north tomorrow, been good but shit all signal in a caravan so hope I'm not missing much!

Oh, and shatastic week has only contained one shag so far. Should reconsider caravan holidays when TTC unless you want to share the grunts and moans with neighbours!

Oh, jelly, I use period diary. It's basic but does the job for me. There's a forum but it's full of teenagers so I only go in to cheer myself up! Teens and their troubles!

Hi, newbie to this thread here - can I join?

MaGratgarlik 1983
Age: 31
TTC since: July 2014 (one chemical sept 2014)
No DC, one furry feline

Think I've driven myself a bit mad with the opks and temping over the last few months and am ready to chuck all that in and embrace the JSing philosophy! Although currently on CD42 with no AF so things are a bit odd!

I've been tracking on my calendar on iPhone, but it seems to delete stuff from the previous month so I might download an app too jelly

welcome magrat you do need to be a little crazy to join in here but everyone's welcome!!

Any one else been to see gone girl and come home plotting ways to do away with dh? No? Just me then.......

Welcome ma

Just into the tww and already poured a glass of red. I'm so rubbish at this, I have a very low boredom threshold..... was going to give Mr.tink a night off but have decided to don my cape.

In other news I am considering a bob! have a lovely evening viroids xx

Btw, jelly I'm on ovia but I don't like it. I've heard good reports about fertility friend?? X

A Bob to replace your chappy? Controversial...

Welcome, Ma , lovely to have you on board. don't talk to me about stupid long cycles. Sent to confuse us!

Tink, do it! You never know when the next egg's a comin'!

Just re-read, Ma. Is this your WTF cycle. Dare not predict about those...hopefully you'll be back on track soon

I know not of these fertility apps - I rely on the Fred to keep my dates for me

I use Ovia Jelly.

Ahem. I mean I don't at all. Obviously.

Welcome Ma! As they say in Alice in Wonderland, "we're all mad here!"

I use fertility friend and have used the paid version for over 12 months. love it. if anyone wants some free VIP access (the paid stuff) I think you can get it if you sign up from a recommendation sent from me so pm me if you like.

AF is going particularly easy on me here. think she'll be out by the weekend! odd

welcome new folks

Thanks for making me feel so welcome viroids!

Yep, WTF indeed. Need to step away from the hyper-expensive pregnancy tests, stop giving myself line-eye and migranes from all the squinting, and hope that things become clear at some point! Phew, definitely not obsessed at all. Ahem.

Right girls! Viroids! Ladies!

I'm now going to attempt to respond to all the millions of posts that you've all put up in the last two days. My GAWD you guys can blether!

Firstly - chat I frigging TOLD you! I KNEW it! MFBFP hoorrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! Get...In...weeeeee, I have my poms poms waving - give me a c....C!...give me a h....H!

Ok you get the idea...

Thanks for all the hugs viroids and the nice wishes - I was off with work and only able to check in now and then, but I was feeling down and really lonely and you all made me feel so much better. Thank you! Today has been a much better day.

bother I'm going to send you virtual hugs every day this October. Let's try to turn that awful October feeling around. Big hug x Have a lovely time in Lanzarote.

lil special big hugs to you and a massive rude finger up at that bloody witch. What a complete bitch she is. I know how hideously awful it is when you've got all your hopes up and your af arrives. It's shite. Hope you're ok lovey x

kate I've heard it all but your 'soothing wank' dh story made me actually nearly pee myself laughing.

jelly - love that you're so pleased af arrived! Glad for you (?), hopefully this will help with the ttc now!

Thanks for my cake and wine ness! Has baby turned yet? If not get back on that floor and get scrubbing! ;) Must be nearly due date for mini-ness? Good luck lovely!!!!

sleeping hi! How rude, I took a day to say hi. Hope you're settling in nicely and found the new Fred? We're a nice, although mad, bunch. Before long you'll be peeing in a thermos like the best of us.

Awww just read the bit where you were all worried about me :( sorry to make you worry. Thank you for looking out for me. It was really crappy yesterday and I cried lots, but today is more positive. Think it didn't help that it was infant/baby loss day and loads of people were posting stuff up about it all. Plus I seemed to just have post after post of folk putting up baby pics on facebook. I felt surrounded by it and it was suffocating. So I hid (apart from my little message to chat). I know so many of you have had such rotten times of it as well on these threads and we've gone through some seriously crappy times together - examples off top of my head include chat, purple, lil, dulcet, patiently/mountain, wiggly, bother, honey and sorry to anyone I've forgotten. Plus of course all our the upduffed lot, sitting there incubating away. I remember so many of your journeys, many of them with their own difficulties and am so excited to see your baby pics when they come.

I love all of you lovely viroids, you are all so brave and supportive x

God what a fecking Oscar's speech. I seriously promise I've not been drinking!

(OK - continuing - still on last Fred...jeez viroids, you seriously talk too much!)

tee - enjoy your Bovril! Thanks for the stats, always love a stats report following a bfp :)

Love the consideration of lil's OCD to fill up da thread. I joined in and helped! Love a good thread filling. Stuff that Fred full of nonsense shite, amazing.

lil don't think I haven't noticed your tendency to try and get the last word ;) I've foiled you a few times accidentally but I'm onto you now! Still remember when I accidentally filled before you'd posted the new link - oopsy hee hee! :)

Fecking cat keeps trying to sit on laptop. Get. Off. Cat.

Haaaaa ha ha ha haaaa! Just found tink's random Nigel Farage picture - that's SCARY!!!

Oh my god. Totally ignored advice not to google broken penises. Now regretting that.

Bye bye JS Fred 29...

Hello JS Fred 30!

(final response - caught up!)

I love that it's obvious everyone uses the same pregnancy app - Babycenter viroids? If not then you're all using scarily similar comparisons of being upduffed with fruit and veg. When I used it I made the mistake of scrolling on - the idea of incubating a melon or a pumpkin was quite offputting.

tink how are the kits bits (or lack of)?

lil does that mean you can't drink at hogmanay? (if you're being stabbed with needles just before)

Hi lurkers! Miss your faces! (throws big kisses into the laptop)

butterfly Mr La was on a quest to locate Um Bongo in the Congo. This started a conversation about the corrections required in said song. Marmosets do not come from the Congo. I shall be writing to the manufacturers.

Your dh is hilarious butterfly!

pixa loving your dhs rule - you have seven years so hopefully it'll not be needed!

jelly fertility friend is great - I have used it for a year now and it tracks everything and helps with timings etc. I keep thinking I know better than it but it always turns out to be right.

Hope you've had fun dulcet! I think I've been to that pub :)

Hi ma welcome to the gang! No temping and opks here who am I trying to kid exactly?
I have long cycles too - bane of my blooming life.

We've got our fertility clinic appointment tomorrow, the one I didn't cancel when I got my bfp. Hoping she can talk progesterone and vitamin B/luteal phase defects with me.

Temp dipped massively yesterday so I'm hoping tomorrow is big icing day. Mr La and I have been shagging like pros EOD and so I've got no idea if what I'm seeing is EWCM or jizz. Could be either... Failed at ghost jizz yesterday because buzzy friend made me go before him. Ah well, at least it was fun. Although he had coffee breath - ew.

Got to pounce tomorrow morning before clinic. Really hope she doesn't want to do an internal exam as I might be a bit loaded up there (sorry newbies - TMI warnings went out of the window 10 threads ago).

Back. In. The. Frigging. Game. My bed needs breaking.