Whisky-drinking Silk-cut smoking foul-mouthed 30-something hitherto unsuccessful TTCer seeks like-minded companions. Babydusters need not apply.

[BlooferLady]

Now then you lot. I've got a 40 pack of menthol fags from my mate that just got back from Croatia, a slightly dusty bottle of Bison Grass vodka I'm not sure what to do with, and a carrier bag full of cheap eBay pregnancy tests.

Obviously it's a bit lonely in here at the moment so I'd be glad to see anyone, but please be assured that given I've been pissing on my own fingers trying to aim it onto the bloody eBay tests for a year now to no avail, those in the first month of trying for their fourth child might be met with a) a stony stare followed by b) convulsive bouts of weeping .

Disclaimer: you don't actually need to be a smoker. I'm not some kind of maniac.

I haven't drunk for a while. Based on the descriptions above, I feel I ought to start again.

Where is the thread starter?

:(

Nasty and unnecessary.

I've been trying for a year, but I already have a child so obviously should stick to the other thread which was yours in the first place.

what's up princessboo?

I may have grabbed hold of the wrong end of a POAS, Fulesno - just ignore me. I don't like silk cut anyway, much prefer cheapo menthols.

Who says alcohol consumption and urinating on one's own hands have to be mutually exclusive?

'S'up PrincessBoo?

You all right Princess old thing? Would like to see you here, child or no child. I ain't go no interest in turning away people who I might be able to steal menthol fags from occasionally . TTCing for a long time when you already know how ace it is to have a bairn must be very hard. Am sorry, pal.

Hello to all others! I have to go and do some emergency last-minute cooking. I am a martyr to the appetites of my friends. However when I am supposed to be WORKING tomorrow I shall be here with overly intrusive questions as to the states of your respective gussets

Ah.

Indeed Hilly. One might almost say the two things are natural companions.

Well, I don't want to brag...

Yes but you DO though don't you Hilly? Hmmmm?

And how else does a lady of few talents join the circus in these cash-strapped economic times?

MORNING YOU 'ORRIBLE LOT!

Hilly I rather thought your trick involved something to do with your flange and a ping-pong ball ? My mistake

In tedious TTC news, my tits hurt something chronic bang on the time for The Monthly Fury. Fucking awesome.

Shouldn't be too long before the Rage appears then Bloofs. Boooo :(

I's still waiting for Hilly to perform her Thai circus tricks.

Boo, Boo are you there? Are you feeling better this morning?

We just had a snowplough go past the house. There hasn't really been enough to warrant such a thing - it's kind of squashing the snow flat rather that whooshing it satisfyingly out either side. This new Ice Age is terribly exciting.

Yeah, I'm kind of resigned I suppose. At least I can have a boozy Christmas. Look! That cloud has a lovely shiny silver lining!

I spoke to lovely Boo last night. I think she is OK. And she is welcome to our Bison Grass vokda any time.

Morning Bloofer and friends,

I won't be joining this thread as I am in the very blessed position of having scaled the Cliffs of Despair and Insanity, to reach the dizzying heights of the Mount of Fecundity.

But I was in a similar position to you not so long ago and found an amazing bunch of supportive, hilarious and ribald ladies who helped me deal with the craziness that is extended TTC, for which I will be eternally thankful. They feel like something of a talisman to me as it wasn't long after finding them that I attained the blessed goal. I hope very much that you get the same support here and have some fun in the mean time.

Perhaps if you come across them you will give them these?

May the BFPS come thick and fast and above all quickly.

"The Cliffs of Insanity" Did you have a fencing battle at the top? Did you leap on a giant's back and strangle him? Did you engage in a battle of wits over two glasses of iocane powder? Do you know what I'm on about? Do you?

Thanks Rocket old bean. I am stalking your progress and cheering it on.

Now then. How is our GetDown this chilly morning? Does she need another thump on the shoulder? And have we persuaded AnyFule to get TTC her partner's brains out, lard or no lard?

I absolutely know what you are talking about Hester it is one of my favourite films. In fact it is quite possible that if this progeny turns out to be male it will end up named after the farm boy.

M'ok ta. Wondering how on earth I'm going to find time to look after aforementioned child if I'm going to spend time drinking gin and vodka all over mumsnet...

Oh, and by the way Leaf and Shaw, I know something you don't know. I am not right handed.

Didn't they used to burn left-handed people as witches or something?

What? WHAT?! I have encroaching PMT OK?

No no Boo, you need to pronounce it "Right Chanded" (with the Scots/Welsh pronunciation of "ch" OBV)

Neither am I!

I don't belong on this thread at all as The Evil Red Tide of Doom will ne'er wash these shores again. Besides, I don't smoke and barely drink. But I make wicked wild-food liqueurs and just wanted to drop in and leave you a jar to cheer you on. I never could be doing with all the babydusting and lists, either.

So, now, if you feel I should leave, all I can do is bowl head-first down the hillside, calling out "Aaaaaas youuuu wiiiiiiish!"

Ah fuck it. I'm going to shed this completely unconvincing disguise. It was never intended to fool anyone - in which case it's a roaring success I quite like the name HesterShaw, mind.

Still no ov signs for me. I may be having a barren month. Not that I'm TTC this month - but I'd like to know I could if I wanted to.