Whisky-drinking Silk-cut smoking foul-mouthed 30-something hitherto unsuccessful TTCer seeks like-minded companions. Babydusters need not apply.

[BlooferLady]

Now then you lot. I've got a 40 pack of menthol fags from my mate that just got back from Croatia, a slightly dusty bottle of Bison Grass vodka I'm not sure what to do with, and a carrier bag full of cheap eBay pregnancy tests.

Obviously it's a bit lonely in here at the moment so I'd be glad to see anyone, but please be assured that given I've been pissing on my own fingers trying to aim it onto the bloody eBay tests for a year now to no avail, those in the first month of trying for their fourth child might be met with a) a stony stare followed by b) convulsive bouts of weeping .

Disclaimer: you don't actually need to be a smoker. I'm not some kind of maniac.

PrettyCandles I cannae speak for any of the others but I likes the cut of your jib, and you may hang around here as much as you please ESPECIALLY as you have just poured a bottle of blackberry whisky all over my head

What the ... Aries!!! What ARE you doing here?!

Don't presume that lack of flange-water suggests no ovulation old thing. One never knows for sure, unless you are enlisting the assistance of baby computers etc. etc. etc.

Someone has offered to send me their piss sticks. I may take them up on the offer. Just as an experiment you understand.

PrettyCandles, please stay. Anyone who understands fencing and giants is a pretty good egg In My Book. Just stand and cheer and swap stories of misspent youths and stuff...

Inconceeeeeeivable!! Oh that may not be such a tactful thing to say round these parts. :o

Pisses self laughing. I haff been hoodwinked - all this time I haff been trying to work out who is HesterShaw you double bluffing master of disguise. Please to bring out hester for Christmas, birthdays and when people on other threads need an incognito kick up the bum bum.

Anyway Who are you? I must know?

(although I do know don't I).

Pisses self again at 'inconcevable'. So Salad, 'Buttercup' hey? Pisses self yet again, at that forename surname combo.

Crying last night, laughing today. You lot will drive me to the nuthouse.

flange-water. That's nasty......

I am not TTC but am forced to comment on your OP, which I feel is in very bad taste

..... MENTHOL fags?????

eeeeeeeeeeewwwwwww

I am quite proud of flange-water, I must say

Ooh SHJ you are VERY kind. I sort of want to smoke Marlboro Red owing to their having been mentioned in any Amy Winehouse song and if I could just point out if I could just point out I was into her long before she got all famous and manky

ooh, you mean like before Back to Black, and Ronson and that, when she was always on the Robert Elms Show and did sort of housewife-jazz type stuff?

What is 'Robert Elms'?

I saw her at the Koko club. She was pretty and slightly plump and sat lauging with her family during the support act then went onstage and was unspeakably filthy and funny

Anyway get off that spin dryer when you talk to me

Pour me a double, no no NO... make it a triple

oh and dahhling, no menthol fags PUHleaaz, Something a little stronger for moi please :o

Anyone ever had that post-coital fag after SWI while standing on your head, obv. cus they swim better that way!... It is an experience to be had.
THE latest craze!

Flange water hmmmm weirdos nope you sound like ym sort of ladies!

Nice to meet you Innocent, although I am inclined to think your are not very accurately named

Kindly cheer me up. I am midway through my eleventh failure to create the miracle of life.

Are you absolutely sure now? Please don't hit me. There won't be anything to cheer you up, my sweet, for the moment. Distractions work - perhaps a spell in the gym? No? Don't hit the cake though :( I'm very sorry, old thing Put on some music, fill a hot water bottle and play with any pets you may have around the place. Or if you're at work, just fill the time until you can reasonably slope off and do the above.

I'm not helping so I'll shut up and stroke your hair.

PS Hello hello hello to SH Jack and Innocent. Anyone got any tales they'd like to share?

PS I used to like Cat Deeley and find her reasonably entertaining. Now she's "swishing" I just want to kill her.

I feel I got off on the wrong foot before, I'm not very good at this sort of thing.

Anyone for a ?

Hello Hilly (that phrase was in Red Dwarf once. Anyone remember the episode?)

How are you this fine snowy afternoon?

I'm fine, thanks Aries, just staying indoors pretending to work. The snow is up to my knees here. How about you?

Oh it's really, really deep - at least up to the tops of the soles of my wellies :) And now it's melting. I think that's our lot for the winter.

I'm not even pretending to work.

. How's about this instead?

I am a total fraud and shouldn't be here- I was vortexed in by the thread title

[shame]

I am forty something and manifestly not TTC. NTTC, if you will

but when I was a foulmouthed thirtysomething fag toting boozer I did manage to conceive. Quite unintentionally. And would like to say it worked for me, and everything the so-called experts tell you is bollocks, so carry on

you all sound like a lovely lot, and the best of luck to you all

I said a brief hello last night, but you all seem straight-talking and I think I need someone straight-talking.

I've got my period at the moment, but a day or two earlier and lighter than usual. Last month was the same. The little voice in my head tells me that maybe I'm one of those people who carries on having her period throughout pregnancy. The bigger, less insane voice tells me that I'm mad. There are no other symptoms so please just tell me that I'm being stupid without judging me too much....

You asked for it Belu - you are being stupid. There. I don't judge you though

Or you could always test?