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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

My mum died suddenly

199 replies

Ruthie71 · 13/10/2008 14:00

I lost my mum recently. I wondered if there was anybody else going through something similar. It's been 8 weeks. I still can't believe she's gone and I miss her terribly.

OP posts:
HuwEdwards · 13/10/2008 14:01

ahh Ruthie, I'm so sorry, it's utterly devastating when a parents dies. Go easy on yourself, at 8 weeks it's all still very raw.

cravingchocolate · 13/10/2008 14:05

I am so sorry for your loss - nothing can prepare you for losing your mum. I lost mine suddenly 4 years ago and it still hurts, but it does get easier although I still have moments now when I can't quite believe she has gone.

Thinking of you and make sure that you give yourself the time that you need to grieve - 8 weeks is still very early days.

janestillhere · 13/10/2008 14:08

You're not alone in this love.
I lost mum in April and I honestly can't believe it still.
I was awake early this morning and was going over her death in my mind. It's torturous.
Keep eating, get sleep etc. Love to you.

Original poster
Ruthie71 · 13/10/2008 14:50

Keeping busy helps.

OP posts:
feedmenow · 14/10/2008 16:26

Ruthie, I haven't been through what you are going through, but read your post and was just wondering how you are feeling today?

MorticiaAnnSpookington · 14/10/2008 16:27

for you Ruthie - we lost much loved FIL nearly 8 weeks ago too - so can understand a little...

rachels103 · 17/10/2008 22:24

So sorry for your loss. My dad died suddenly in May and I still have to pinch myself sometimes to believe it.

However, it is getting easier, bit by bit. There will be many ups and downs over the next few months but it will become less raw.

Take care of yourself, talk about your mum lots and whatever you do, allow yourself time to grieve...it is still very early days.

cutekids · 17/10/2008 22:28

My Dad died in July of this year.
It wasn't sudden..but it was still a shock IYKWIM.Find it really strange.Just keep finding myself crying at the strangest of times.But,life has to go on.Just keep thinking to myself that i've (TOUCH WOOD)got x 3 healthy,happy kids and Dad would've done anything for them.I know this probably isn't much help but hope you know you're not alone in your grief.

Hassled · 17/10/2008 22:29

The mistake I made when I lost my parents was to think I would stop missing them eventually - the truth is that you never do stop missing them, but that dealing with the sense of missing them and the pain gets easier to deal with; it just becomes a part of who you are, and it doesn't stop you being happy. But at 8 weeks you're a long way from that stage, and you need to take it very slowly. Would bereavement counselling help?

Original poster
Ruthie71 · 20/10/2008 21:24

Thank you all for your lovely messages. It helps to know there are others in the same position (although I wouldn't wish this on anyone), going through similar emotions. I guess it hurts so much because we were so close. She was my best friend. I know she is with me but can't help wishing I could talk to her again. Anyone listened to Hurt by Christina Aguilera? Those words and the intensity of the song sum it all up for me.
I miss you mum x

OP posts:
ScummyMummy · 20/10/2008 21:30

Ruthie, I am so sorry. Mums are irreplaceable. She must have been a lovely person.

Cornflakemum · 20/10/2008 21:38

So sorry Ruthie.

I lost my Mum just over four years ago (it was 'expected' (breast cancer) so not a sudden shock) but it is so very very hard, even now.

Like you, I just kept going over in my mind the things I would have liked to have said to her, and in fact, although I'm not a particularly spiritual person I used to 'say' them to her anyway, and somehow it helped.

Make sure you collect together some happy memories of her. I still have a couple of pieces of Mum's jewellery, a scarf, some cards, recipes and lots of photos.
It makes me cry when I look at them sometimes, but it also helps me feel close to her too.

Look after yourself. x

MadameOvary · 21/10/2008 11:10

Ruthie I am sorry for your loss. It has been 21 years since my Mum died (I was 17) and I feel the loss especially acutely now I have my DD. She was called Ruth

Original poster
Ruthie71 · 21/10/2008 21:50

Thank you all for your messages. My thoughts are with you all who have also loved and lost x

OP posts:
buzzzybee · 22/10/2008 15:30

hugs i lost my mum 1 yr ago in nov. Sometimes i feel i'm going crazy i think so much and go over everything in my mind,especially at night. At the beginin i found a website called Gone to soon. it helped me so,so much. its a tribute site xx
You wont believe me but it does get easier with time. Be with ppl who u love x

sueresus · 29/10/2008 11:26

Ruthie I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mum 4 months ago and I still think about her every day. I don't think I've allowed myself to grieve properly as I have 2 DD's 6 and 3 and I keep strong for them. I'm finding my relationship with my dad really difficult as we didn't really talk that much when my mum was there. he was always there in the background and would chip in every so often, but I feel that I don't know what to talk to him about. my advice to you is to take each day as it comes as you will have good days and you will have bad days. i hope you're feeling better after the vomiting bug.

Bride1 · 29/10/2008 11:33

I am so sorry for your loss.

Thinking of you.

Original poster
Ruthie71 · 02/11/2008 14:55

Sueresus - I know what you mean about the relationship with father since mum has gone. My step-dad was always in tow with my mum but the conversation was always with her. Now I don't really know what to say, but I do really feel for him being on his own. It's so difficult. And I, like you, am so busy working and looking after the kids. There's no 'me' time so work out how I am feeling about the whole situation and grieve properly!

I hope you are ok.

OP posts:
fin54 · 02/11/2008 20:13

Ruthie I am so sorry for your loss, I lost my mum 19 years ago and as said before you learn to accept that she is not there but there will be many many times in the future when you will think "if only my mum was here to see this or that" Like when my son ( her first Grand Child) did his passing out parade in the army, she would have been so proud of him, also when my own Grand Children were born, I work with the elderly and my mum would have been 80 this year and I spend my time looking at women her age now and thinking and wondering what she would have been like.
There has never been a day that I don't miss her but I have learned to think of her in many different way's not just sad ways but happy times as well.
I really hope you get through this but it does take time and 8 weeks is nothing, it took me a good few years to be able to speak about my mum without crying. Don?t be hard on yourself and cry when you want or need to.

brocks · 20/11/2008 19:43

I lost my mum at the age of 30 she was 52.
This was a very big shock, i watched her in a coma for 1 month then she went no warning.
I thing about her every day even though its eight years on.
But i can talk about it now, thats taken me a long time.
I go to the grave yard and cry only there now.
one thing is it takes time, a long time.
Some one once said you can live with out a dad but a mum not.
I do miss her but i look now ahead and often look up and say what would u do mum.
RIP sandy.
Time is a healer.
something i put on my mums stone is, You held our hands for a while but our hearts for ever.
Love to you all it sucks and its heart pulling. but we still love them

brocks · 20/11/2008 19:45

Sorry forgot to say this post was by a bloke simon thanks

Original poster
Ruthie71 · 09/12/2008 14:53

Thanks for your post Simon. My brother is Simon too! My mum was 62 - I lost her at 37. I know at that age I'm supposed to be an adult, but inside I still feel like a child and wish my mum was still here for a much needed hug.
Lovely words for your mum's stone by the way and so true.

OP posts:
mulranno · 13/12/2008 18:56

I lost my wonderful 63yr/old Mum on Oct 11th. She suffered horrific ovarian cancer, it was 2 months from diagnosis to death, She never got out of hospital. We are on week 9 today. It hurts, hurts, hurts -- but not all day and all night. I just keep trying to say to myself that I was blessed to have had this fantastic beautiful person in my life. Many of my friends never had and will never have what I had. When I feel really low I try to be grateful for this and aware that I have had double the time with my mum that my 19 year old brother will never have.

petalpower · 13/12/2008 19:55

I lost my Mum last year also at the age of 63 from a heart condition. 18 months on things are easier but unexpectedly I get bad days. She was a lovely Grandma and my children miss her terribly. As you say mulranno I feel blessed too for having had such a close relationship with my Mum. Counselling through CRUSE really helped me for the first year. My heart goes out to all of you who have suffered this terrible loss.

dizzyjingles · 16/12/2008 00:55

ruthie am so sorry for your loss I too lost my mum 21wks ago and its still all to raw to begin to comprehend. I am only 32, I was 40wks pregnant and she was only 68 - its just not right, I thought I'd have my mum forever and my kids would have a Granny

please be kind to yourself and remember there are no rules or time limits for feeling better

we put 'always on our mind forever in our hearts' on her stone so people would know that she may be gone but she's very definately not forgotten